Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left to live with another woman. Will he come back?

146 replies

husbandleft · 06/06/2021 20:29

A little while ago my husband of 22 years announced that he had been having an affair with a work colleague for just over 2 years and he was leaving. We have a DD aged 14.

It's true to say that our marriage had got into a rut and he has found someone who pays him great attention and he has decided that they will be together for ever. My DD is very upset and does not want to talk to her father and has not done so since he left.

I do believe that this is his first affair.

What are the odds of winning him back. I miss him so much.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2021 20:32

Is he living with her now?

I think the more important question is why you’d want someone back who lied to you for two years, who left you, who your daughter isn’t speaking to.

It sounds like he’s gone and that obviously hurts but you acknowledge the relationship was suffering so maybe it’s for the best.

Raindropumbrella · 06/06/2021 20:32

Don’t try and win him back. You and your DD deserve so much better. He’s scum.

RubyGoat · 06/06/2021 20:33

Please don't do the "pick me dance". He's not a prize that you can win back. He certainly doesn't sound like a prize.

If you did manage to "win him back", or he randomly decided to return, do you think you could truly trust him again, ever?

Bessiebigpants · 06/06/2021 20:35

My darling you don’t need him back, you will never be able to forgive him, you will never trust him again and honestly in all likelihood he will come crawling back in a couple of months. Use the time to figure out what you want for yourself get some legal advice talk to friends and family,read some books,but do not do the pick me dance! it’s not worth it. Trust yourself you will be so much stronger once you are over the shock.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 06/06/2021 20:35

Why do you want him back? I don’t mean that in a snidey way but in a genuine what will he bring to your life seeing that he was quite happy to lie to you & cheat on you?

Original poster
husbandleft · 06/06/2021 20:36

He has rented a flat. She has a husband who she was apparently estranged from but still living with and a 15yo DD who she plans to leave to go and move in with my husband but she hasn't done so yet. She has told her husband and daughter who are apparently fine with that.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 06/06/2021 20:38

Oh I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. There are no odds, this is not a game of chance.

Of course there are winners and losers but I fear at the moment you think you have lost. You have not, you have just found out that your husband had different rules to this game.

Your rules were truthful and honest, his were not they involved deception and disloyalty, but you now know the real him, he has shown his hand. I know you are in shock and wish him back but you may not feel like that in the future.

What you know now cannot be unkown and that will change things.

Again I'm so sorry , look after one another, keep eating, drinking and be very kind to yourself. and keep posting.

Sending hugs
Flowers

theleafandnotthetree · 06/06/2021 20:38

@Bessiebigpants

My darling you don’t need him back, you will never be able to forgive him, you will never trust him again and honestly in all likelihood he will come crawling back in a couple of months. Use the time to figure out what you want for yourself get some legal advice talk to friends and family,read some books,but do not do the pick me dance! it’s not worth it. Trust yourself you will be so much stronger once you are over the shock.
From the OP's description, I think it very unlikely he will 'come crawling back'. I've known quite a few people to have affairs, leave etc and none of them have done so either. I'm not sure why this is always trotted out as an inevitability
Vetyveriohohoh · 06/06/2021 20:39

I reckon it’s pretty likely that her husband knows nothing about her plan to shack up with your ex. If they are all so cool with it why isn’t she there already?

Aside from this, please don’t do the pick me dance, you are worth so much more than that. Think about the example you’re setting for your daughter and be kind to yourself Flowers

Original poster
husbandleft · 06/06/2021 20:39

Believe me I know how it sounds and before this happened i would have been saying the same.

And he should have absolutely told me he was not happy (since 2017 apparently). But then in 2019 she came to work at his office and a few months later it began.

I think it was the attention that was so beguiling and that sometimes gets lost in the humdrum of teenage parenting life.

OP posts:
Objectiveman · 06/06/2021 20:40

If someone is stupid enough to walk out on you. let them go.
If he's been doing it for 2 years, you will not win him back. He is resolute in what he is doing.
You say it's his first affair. - OK let him come back - what happens when he has his second, or third.
Do not live in hope - it is corrossive. You must move on.
Stop thinking of what if.
You say your marriage was in a Rut - Well both parties have to work on a marriage, he was busy working something elsewhere.
Be strong. Say YOU CAN do this.
Live for the present, plan for the future.
Do not reflect on the past - it's too late ...move on.
Do not look back, look forward.
It will be tough to start with. It gets easier SLOWLY.
Get medical help with the anxiety.
I've through it twice now.
I'm resolved - I will not take her back.
You can do this.
DD's are stronger than you think. They will adjust.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2021 20:42

Let her have the shitbag. Why on earth would you ever want this twat of a man back?

Onthedunes · 06/06/2021 20:42

@husbandleft

He has rented a flat. She has a husband who she was apparently estranged from but still living with and a 15yo DD who she plans to leave to go and move in with my husband but she hasn't done so yet. She has told her husband and daughter who are apparently fine with that.
Did your husband tell you this, because I don't believe him.

Could he be saying this so you don't contact her husband.
He's a manipulator.

RubyGoat · 06/06/2021 20:42

Have you had an STD check?

DogsSausages · 06/06/2021 20:43

He is having an affair with a married woman
Tbey are both prepared to leave their children behind. They sound like they deserve each other. Do you really want him in your life. Its not about winning him back. He is not a prize worth fighting for.

omgthepain · 06/06/2021 20:45

@husbandleft

PixieDust28 · 06/06/2021 20:45

Please don't take him back. In time you'll see you're worth so so much more.

Aww bless, living by himself in his rented place just waiting for her to leave her husband. Of course she isn't going to leave her husband otherwise she would've moved into his flat. She has no intentions and when she sacks him off he'll run back. Slam the door on his face.

SmokeyDevil · 06/06/2021 20:46

Why would you want him back? He's an asshole.

I'd tell her husband. If he knows already and is actually done with it, then fair enough. But I doubt he does actually know, probably a lie your husbands ow has told him. Will be funny if she then ditches your husband and he is left with nothing. His own nasty fault then.

LividBlabber · 06/06/2021 20:46

Let him go.

You wouldn’t want to be reminded of this, and being second choice, every time you looked at him.

omgthepain · 06/06/2021 20:47

@husbandleft
Firstly I am so sorry you've found yourself in this situation

However I wouldn't have someone back who'd had an affair and moved out, rented a house with them and you don't really have an idea how long this was in the pipeline

You need to be proactive and serve him divorce papers and show him you don't need him and you can do better

Don't waste your time once a cheater always a cheater and if you have him back he'll take his as "oh I can cheat again because she had me back last time"
And although very sad for your daughter she needs to know this isn't appropriate behaviour and it's not normal in an adult relationship either

Be the bigger person be kind to yourself and get rid x

Spied · 06/06/2021 20:47

Are you really so downtrodden that you'd accept him back?
C'mon. You deserve so much more. Be the strong role-model your dd deserves and move on up.

PicsInRed · 06/06/2021 20:49

@husbandleft

He has rented a flat. She has a husband who she was apparently estranged from but still living with and a 15yo DD who she plans to leave to go and move in with my husband but she hasn't done so yet. She has told her husband and daughter who are apparently fine with that.
They're both fairly revolting aren't they. Hmm

I would keep clear of both of them, say nothing about it to your daughter other than to comfort her (the support circle of "comfort in, complain out"), do also seek a support system of your own, and work towards healing and moving forward.

The man you thought you knew is gone and is replaced now by a total stranger. This is the true him, the man you thought you knew didn't really ever exist, except as a conjured facade. You must find a way forward for yourself and your daughter.

In time, you will feel little but tempered pity for him and will have zero interest in being with him again. Time will bring you to that peace. Flowers

Original poster
husbandleft · 06/06/2021 20:49

I think she spends a great deal of time there. Just hasn't moved her stuff in yet.

I was friends with him for 10 years before we got together and at least the first three quarters of our marriage was good. But I became very wrapped up in my job the last 5 years and didn't give the marriage any attention. He should have said he was not happy but I think in reality he just got on with his own life and was vulnerable when she came along.

I want to put it back to how it was before that.

I know how shit this sounds.

OP posts:
scaredsadandstuck · 06/06/2021 20:50

Instead of focusing on how you can win him back, start searching for a therapist right now. Email 2 or 3 this evening. Commit to speaking with one in the next week. Don't make any decisions about your husband until you have done this and had 2 or 3 sessions with them.

I honestly believe you have a wonderful, fulfilling future ahead of you, without a man who would betray you in your life. You deserve so much more. Flowers

PicsInRed · 06/06/2021 20:51

This lady's awfully good.

www.chumplady.com/2012/05/what-not-to-do/