Husband left to live with another woman. Will he come back?

[husbandleft]

A little while ago my husband of 22 years announced that he had been having an affair with a work colleague for just over 2 years and he was leaving. We have a DD aged 14.

It's true to say that our marriage had got into a rut and he has found someone who pays him great attention and he has decided that they will be together for ever. My DD is very upset and does not want to talk to her father and has not done so since he left.

I do believe that this is his first affair.

What are the odds of winning him back. I miss him so much.

It may be partly her fault for neglecting her marriage, but not her fault he chose cheating as a way of dealing with it. Many people have problematic marriages and all marriages go through patches which are not as great as others. But not everybody in these marriages cheats. There is no excuse for cheating and the blame for that is all his.

@Claaaaay

You seem to have very low standards for what is expected of a spouse - or perhaps just what you would expect from a husband?

Ok so OP tuned out, not ideal, but her spouse had a duty to tell her and attempt to fix it. Not sod off without a backward glance.

The husband, and only the husband, in this scenario is completely to blame for the affair.

@Claaaaay

why do all women neglect their partners and stop giving them any attention like you for 5 years !! , then when their partners leave they say it's out of the blue and it's not our fault , LOL , ofc it's your fault , who want to be in a relationship where their partner neglect them

You are wrong that she is responsible for his cheating.

I'll agree that she has fault in the marriage deteriorating if she feels she 'neglected' him, but HE CHOSE TO CHEAT instead of doing the right and responsible thing. He should have either communicated his dissatisfaction or, if it was too late for that, he should have left the marriage before taking up with another woman. He is 100% responsible for his cheating.

@allIllstartexercisingtomorrow
Absoluetly wrong , if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship then you need to value this relationship and pay attention to your partner needs , you cant say I want a monogamous relationship and then neglect your partner for 5 years , the husband left for a woman because he want to be happy and nothing wrong with that , the wife didn't give any attention and now want him back why ?
she now want to give him attention or what ?
and no the husband is not the only one to be blamed for the affair , every one has to know what he did wrong and the wife her did so wrong

@AcrossthePond55
He choose to be happy and nothing wrong with that , the wife didn't pay any attention for 5 years , why would it matter if he cheated before he left , she obviously didn't see it because she neglected him , he left to be with someone who made him feel loved and payed attention to him , I don't say its 100% the wife fault but she also to be blamed

Aaaanyway OP, I think you should be entirely focused on you and your daughter's future right now. Get the ball rolling, can you have a girl's weekend away?
Try and make sure you get as equitable a deal as possible. Your DD has to be allowed her own way of dealing with the situation. She may well come round to wanting to see her Dad in time but really their relationship is not your responsibility anymore.
Deep breaths, you can do this, try and create some happy memories for the two of you.

[quote Claaaaay]@AcrossthePond55
He choose to be happy and nothing wrong with that , the wife didn't pay any attention for 5 years , why would it matter if he cheated before he left , she obviously didn't see it because she neglected him , he left to be with someone who made him feel loved and payed attention to him , I don't say its 100% the wife fault but she also to be blamed[/quote]
My point is that if he was that unhappy he should have left before he cheated. That would have been the right thing to do.

There is no excuse for cheating. None whatsoever. If someone is that unhappy, then leave so you can be free to pursue whomever you choose.

the husband is not the only one to be blamed for the affair
The only people to be blamed in affairs are the people having them. To blame a spouse is just an excuse, not a reason.

I get that in the early days you will feel like you need him back, but I'd encourage you to put your time and energy and emotions into healing yourself instead. You don't need a man who treats you so thoughtlessly back in your life.

Lots of people confidently told me "he'll come crawling back with his tail between his legs" when my ex husband did this. Apart from the briefest of moments in the depths of my despair, I chose not to listen to them, and I was right not to as he very swiftly moved in with the OW, shortly followed by marrying and having a baby!

I have built a new life for myself and my children and am very happily single by choice, all that time that has past I have spent on healing myself, whereas he has distracted himself from the real issues and reasons behind his behaviour. So what I'm saying is, please don't waste this opportunity of time to spend recovering and moving on from the terrible experience you've been through by trying to win him back.

My DH left 9 months ago and I felt like you. I’m feeling much stronger. However, as I haven’t been able to cut my feelings completely I now hope he doesn’t ask, in case I agree in a moment of weakness.

Wanting him back when he’s treated you so badly may baffle some people. It’s actually a normal response. Someone leaving you unexpectedly can make you want them more. I actually thought about my DH more intensely than I had in years and found him more attractive too.

Your brain hasn’t caught up yet to the reality of who your DH is (selfish lying adulterer) versus who you thought he was. The way you’re blaming yourself could be you trying to exonerate him so you could forgive him if he asked.

Someone mentioned the grief curve and you will work your way through it. Progression is not linear and you bounce around it. I’m glad I’m no longer at the bargaining stage where I would have compromised myself & my values to get him back.

Like I said I’m still up and down but I now feel a bit repulsed by my DH, he’s no longer attractive and I feel contempt for him.

As for the affair apologists on this thread, you disgust me. If a marriage isn’t working, speak up, try and fix it together. If it can’t be fixed then leave but do it in the kindest way. This wasn’t just a marriage, it was a family and there is a daughter who’s hurting too. What decent father & man would do this to his daughter? Sometimes things aren’t black and white but often they are. People will often try and use the ‘kids are resilient’ tack to justify & excuse themselves.

Final point: some people on here and, in real life, think you have no right to blame the OW for her role. You do have that right. Your DH is 100% responsible for his actions but she is responsible for hers too. In time you will see them both for the cheating piece of shits they are.

Two book recommendations when you’re ready. At the moment you’re probably googling books on affair recovery if you’re like me.

When you move on from that look at these books:

How to heal a broken heart by Rosie Green & Runaway Husbands by Vicki Stark.

You don’t believe it now but you will come out stronger.

I wouldn't want him back in your shoes

OP do yourself a favour and read chumplady.com, her blog covers what you need to make sense of what has been done to you.

Right now all that's in your head is him coming back and how you can get him to come back.

So here's the thing. Men don't come back to begging women. They come back to the woman who knows her own worth, who does not need him, and is doing just fine without him. They don't come back to the woman doing the pick-me dance, the one sitting around waiting for him to throw her a scrap of affection.

So you can't get him back unless he wants to come back. And in order to make that happen, you need to not need him. Right now you probably don't feel that way so you fake it until you make it. You go get the separation legally sorted, CMS sorted, the divorce papers underway. You assertively get everything you are entitled to.

And somewhere along the way it will stop hurting as much. You'll remind yourself how much nicer the house is without his stinky runners that you always tripped over, no matter how many times you asked him to put them on the shoe rack. The towels are no longer in a festering pile. You enjoy the meal you never got to make because it's got something in it that he hated. You can watch that movie with DD that you wanted to see without him eyerolling at what shite it is. Or choose a new wallpaper YOU like for the room.

You get stronger day by day and you slowly come to realise you aren't faking your worth any more, you know your worth, and he, the sad pillock, falls far short of your standards now. And maybe you do take him back down the line, but now it's on your terms and only because you know that he's in your life because you want him there and you aren't afraid to go it alone.

[quote Claaaaay]@allIllstartexercisingtomorrow
Absoluetly wrong , if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship then you need to value this relationship and pay attention to your partner needs , you cant say I want a monogamous relationship and then neglect your partner for 5 years , the husband left for a woman because he want to be happy and nothing wrong with that , the wife didn't give any attention and now want him back why ?
she now want to give him attention or what ?
and no the husband is not the only one to be blamed for the affair , every one has to know what he did wrong and the wife her did so wrong[/quote]
This is not just tripe you have written but illiterate tripe. Not helpful in the least.

Oh thank you so much to all those continuing to post on this thread.

Yes those who say I was blaming myself to make it easier to win him back were right.

I'm not at fault here. I checked in frequently and asked him if he was happy with us and he always said yes.

I am getting myself together and sorting things out.

Claaaay - are you the OW? And no need to dm me to tell me what you think of me.

The OW is welcome to him and he is welcome to her. I doubt it will survive contact with reality when she moves in but frankly I don't care.

When he tires with her - as he will unless she is prepared to mould her entire life around him - he will stick round while scouting around for the next sucker. And history will repeat itself.

Hope she doesn't mind doing all the cleaning and housework either.

Bloody hell OP a nasty dm like that? Don’t listen to it. You can ask a partner how they are and if they are OK a hundred times and if they are hell bent on an OW you might as well never have said anything. They are not listening. You have owned your part in the marriage. That is all you are responsible for. His behaviour is down to him, not you. No excuses for cheating ever. Take care. X

@husbandleft

Oh thank you so much to all those continuing to post on this thread.

Yes those who say I was blaming myself to make it easier to win him back were right.

I'm not at fault here. I checked in frequently and asked him if he was happy with us and he always said yes.

I am getting myself together and sorting things out.

Claaaay - are you the OW? And no need to dm me to tell me what you think of me.

The OW is welcome to him and he is welcome to her. I doubt it will survive contact with reality when she moves in but frankly I don't care.

When he tires with her - as he will unless she is prepared to mould her entire life around him - he will stick round while scouting around for the next sucker. And history will repeat itself.

Hope she doesn't mind doing all the cleaning and housework either.

It's good to see your eyes are opening. Life moves ahead and you will move with it.

Good for you OP, now focus on getting the best settlement.

@husbandleft

Oh thank you so much to all those continuing to post on this thread.

Yes those who say I was blaming myself to make it easier to win him back were right.

I'm not at fault here. I checked in frequently and asked him if he was happy with us and he always said yes.

I am getting myself together and sorting things out.

Claaaay - are you the OW? And no need to dm me to tell me what you think of me.

The OW is welcome to him and he is welcome to her. I doubt it will survive contact with reality when she moves in but frankly I don't care.

When he tires with her - as he will unless she is prepared to mould her entire life around him - he will stick round while scouting around for the next sucker. And history will repeat itself.

Hope she doesn't mind doing all the cleaning and housework either.

What??

@Claaaaay has been sending you DM’s to abuse you? Not fucking on at all!!

As others have said. People CHOOSE to cheat.

If you’re that unhappy in a relationship, you leave. Cheating is purely a cop out.

@husbandleft

He has rented a flat. She has a husband who she was apparently estranged from but still living with and a 15yo DD who she plans to leave to go and move in with my husband but she hasn't done so yet. She has told her husband and daughter who are apparently fine with that.

Her 15 yr old daughter is fine with it...

Your stbx hasn't got a clue what he is letting himself in for.

Let him carry on and watch from the sidelines from a much better space.