Husband left to live with another woman. Will he come back?

[husbandleft]

A little while ago my husband of 22 years announced that he had been having an affair with a work colleague for just over 2 years and he was leaving. We have a DD aged 14.

It's true to say that our marriage had got into a rut and he has found someone who pays him great attention and he has decided that they will be together for ever. My DD is very upset and does not want to talk to her father and has not done so since he left.

I do believe that this is his first affair.

What are the odds of winning him back. I miss him so much.

Of course you miss him- if I had toothache every day for 22 years, and it suddenly disappeared, I might well miss it!

It's easier to blame yourself at the moment because that gives you the illusion that you can stop this from happening again (should you get back together). Even if you were totally obsessed with your job, you didn't force him to have sex with someone else. She didn't force herself on him, he put his penis inside her all by himself. Repeatedly. He has made a series of bad choices, so maybe choosing isn't his strong point. It's time for you to decide some stuff now!

I can relate to your wish to delay a divorce (I wouldn't want him to be able to remarry quickly either). However, not wanting a divorce right now doesn't mean that you should rely on his guilt and goodwill. He could decide to become really nasty at any time (if OW dumps him, he will probably get quite spiteful and blame you for everything). I'm not saying you have to divorce him, but please get some legal advice to protact yourself and your daughter.

Let him go you deserve better.

He has lied and deceived you and your Daughter for two years.

They deserve each other, the trust is gone.

@Canigooutyet

You say you won't give him a divorce for 2 years, why? He can apply for one well before then.

You say you trust him to not screw you financially, when he couldn't be trusted to not betray you.

He is trying to lay the guilt with you by saying what he's saying and turning the blame onto you. All of this is his own doing. No one else's.

Take control of your and your daughters life and get the divorce started. Whoever is feeding you this info tell them your not interested, let them crack on. If this is coming from him - you're telling me because? Why should I care? I'm not interested. It's not relevant to our dd's needs. Bore off etc.

Also sounds like your dd had issues with him before all of this.

Yes this.

Get your ducks in a row and sort out a divorce. If he is truly repentant and you want him back, you can always get married again.

However, in 2 years, your DD will be 16 so nearly leaving home, he will be desperate to claw back as much money as he can to finance his new life and will have no shits to give for what he has left behind. He already seems to have let go of his daughter. He won't care about anything you have done to encourage him to come back and you will not have sorted out your future.

Make a new beginning.

@husbandleft

Thank you all

I have more hobbies etc than I can manage already - indeed I have had to cut back to make more time for my DD now I'm single parenting.

I do trust him not to rip the home from under us but the moment I see anything to make me think otherwise I will be at the lawyers.

Please don't wait until you 'see anything', see a solicitor NOW. By the time you see something it will be too late and you'll be playing defense.

Seeking legal advice doesn't mean you're going to file for a divorce. It just means you're educating yourself as to your legal position with regards to finances, property, and child access. As well as how the courts 'work' in your area.

And leave your DD be. She entitled to decide what level of contact she wants with her dad, even if it's none at all.

I understand you want your life back. But your life will have changed irretrievably even if he does come back. You can glue a broken plate back together but it's still a broken plate; weaker and with visible cracks.

Come what may, just behave with dignity. In the long run you will be so glad you did.

[quote Claaaaay]@DoingItMyself
how his going off with a woman had nothing to do with anything missing from his life with her?
she said she didn't give him any attention for 5 years !!!! , like ofc he left because of this, nobody would like to stay in a relationship without any attention for 5 years[/quote]
Because people's decisions are their own.
He didn't have to go to another woman, he chose to.

No he won't come back.
Even if he did physically he wouldn't be back to the life you had.
That's gone now.
I'm so sorry.

@LegoCaltrops

Please don't do the "pick me dance". He's not a prize that you can win back. He certainly doesn't sound like a prize.

If you did manage to "win him back", or he randomly decided to return, do you think you could truly trust him again, ever?

This^ Set an example for your daughter. Be a strong woman who can be a reliable parent and role model. She needs you now more than ever.

He is long gone OP and isn't coming back but your priority should be to get the best financial settlement you can.

@husbandleft

Thank you all

I have more hobbies etc than I can manage already - indeed I have had to cut back to make more time for my DD now I'm single parenting.

I do trust him not to rip the home from under us but the moment I see anything to make me think otherwise I will be at the lawyers.

You can't trust him to do anything my love, least of all what is right by you and your daughter. I ALMOST made this same fatal error when I was getting divorced. I had been with him since my teens. I thought 'oh he would never do that to me' UNTIL I guessed what his secret email password was and discovered a whole other side to him, plotting to leave me with nothing or offer me less that a quarter of what our property was worth etc. My blood ran cold when I read it and I panicked and felt too heartsick to do anything. That was until a friend of mine who had been around the block told 'Gather every little last thing. Emails, Financial information. Payslips. Letters..EVERYTHING and post them to me!'. Thank God she did. I was so naive up until that point. I assumed he would be as honourable as me but it was only when we had to take out a joint loan in a jointly held bank account for maintenance work on common areas of the flats we lived in that I really saw what he could do. Silly, naive me didn't know he could withdraw money from a joint bank account but by the time I found out, he had taken half. Next day I went and took whatever was left out and left it with a trusted person. If I hadn't, he would have continued siphoning it off. PLEASE DO NOT make this mistake. Men become something else when divorce is up and running. he will become a total stranger, utterly ruthless, utterly untrustworthy. They say women can be vengeful bitches and ruthless but we have absolutely nothing on how men behave in that situation. It sounds like you haven't let it fully sink in on a few fronts but myself and others here have trod this path and we know how it turns out. Please listen to us because we actually care about you not getting screwed over. He doesn't!

@DoingItMyself

One's own judgment can be unreliable at a time like this. Your instincts tell you to bring the partner home.

It's bollocks.

What's gone is gone. He's not your man any more.

His going off with a woman had nothing to do with anything missing from his life with you. What happened was that he got hard for some woman and she made herself available.

My experience and observations suggest that he will come crawling back, possibly tentatively, possibly insincerely. He'll try to get back into your bed, even if not into your life. So many do. He won't be genuine. If he actually comes back to live with you, he's playing for time, possibly protecting financial assets.

Today, make an appointment with a solicitor and find out where you stand. Don't be directed into 'legal separation' with hope of reconciliation - it's not in your best interests. Get what you can out of this relationship, which he, of his own choosing, has destroyed.

Yes, the moment your daughter turns 18!

@DoingItMyself
yes he chose to be happy , what's wrong about that ?
why would he stay if she herself said she didn't pay any attention for 5 years !

You do realise that a divorce on the basis of two years separation requires his consent? What wait that long on the offchance he doesn’t agree. Much better to issue now yourself before he beats you to it.

I don’t think he sounds like the sort of person I’d want back in my life. Someone who has deceived, and lied not only to you but your DD.. .who was apparently too cowardly to tell you he was unhappy. And now tries to make out this is all on you, that he was somehow defenceless against the wiles of another woman blah blah. No, he is just following his dick, if you will excuse my bluntness.

It’s hard, but in your shoes I would be instigating divorce (he can pay), and doing all the things that need to be done to ensure he pays his dues for your DD etc.

Yes, it is very hard to contemplate legal proceedings when you are so emotionally affected.

However, as others have said it needs to be done.

And it is so true what one poster said about men in particular becoming vindictive swines once there is mention of divorce. Some but not all only care about the money and will try to destroy your self esteem as it means that they have a better chance of getting more.
Don't let him do this.

You sound like an organised person.

Surviving and thriving after divorce is a lot about being organised (what people mean when they say get all your ducks in a row)

You can start researching this evening. Think the last time I looked there was a lawyer female giving advice on you tube (she had written a book about the family court).

Helps to remember the rough timetable

Application for divorce
Children's matters are dealt with i.e. if child is younger where they will live and contact etc

Then there is the financial matters.

I'm not sure how far courts will be dealing with cases online at the moment.

He might. If she doesn't leave her husband, or if it doesn't work out and he doesn't want to be alone. And if his life with you was comfortable without unpleasantness or arguments and met his domestic needs. But if he does, please remember it will likely be for one of these reasons, and you can do so much better.

It doesnt justify his affair but you said yourself you checked out of your own marriage to focus on your job. And that he should have "told" you he was unhappy . What a weird statement devoid of empathy. Why would he need to tell you he's unhappy, isn't it obvious when both of you are meant to be in a committed relationship yet you decided to neglect and deprioritise it and send him clear messages that your job is more importantthan him!

If you wanted to win him back I would think the only way to do so would be to sincerely apologise for your behaviour during those years of the relationship , the hurt that you caused, and show you won't do it again.

@SarahDarah

It doesnt justify his affair but you said yourself you checked out of your own marriage to focus on your job. And that he should have "told" you he was unhappy . What a weird statement devoid of empathy. Why would he need to tell you he's unhappy, isn't it obvious when both of you are meant to be in a committed relationship yet you decided to neglect and deprioritise it and send him clear messages that your job is more importantthan him!

If you wanted to win him back I would think the only way to do so would be to sincerely apologise for your behaviour during those years of the relationship , the hurt that you caused, and show you won't do it again.

Are you a 'surrendered wife'?

@husbandleft

Believe me I know how it sounds and before this happened i would have been saying the same.

And he should have absolutely told me he was not happy (since 2017 apparently). But then in 2019 she came to work at his office and a few months later it began.

I think it was the attention that was so beguiling and that sometimes gets lost in the humdrum of teenage parenting life.

OP Your last sentence made me very sad.

You are a special person and he has let you down massively.

Don't let him come back. This is his mess and for him to deal with. You can now start to live a happier and stress free life once the finances are sorted out.

He has done the ultimate wrong and he's just not good enough. Think about it - he has wasted your time while he has had an affair. You don't get that time back. You can and you will emerge stronger from this. You are the better person

He had an affair because he wanted to. He is not the same man you married. He has changed and his main priority is himself and the other woman. Listen to the advice regarding getting your ducks in a row, it will be to your benefit. If thinking about divorce is to much to deal with right now, just concentrate on addressing the financials through mediation/ courts.
Don’t count on him returning to you, begging for another chance, whether that happens or not, you won’t feel the same as you did before the affair.
Good luck.

@SarahDarah

It doesnt justify his affair but you said yourself you checked out of your own marriage to focus on your job. And that he should have "told" you he was unhappy . What a weird statement devoid of empathy. Why would he need to tell you he's unhappy, isn't it obvious when both of you are meant to be in a committed relationship yet you decided to neglect and deprioritise it and send him clear messages that your job is more importantthan him!

If you wanted to win him back I would think the only way to do so would be to sincerely apologise for your behaviour during those years of the relationship , the hurt that you caused, and show you won't do it again.

Honestly, this made me throw up in my mouth a little. ^^

There is NO excuse for infidelity. I don't care if the cheating spouse was ignored to the point of invisibility. The morally correct thing to do for anyone who is unhappy is to exit the relationship if one is not happy for any reason. And for a cheater to blame their spouse for their cheating is bullshit. You leave, you do not cheat.

And of course he should have told her he was feeling neglected or ignored. IF he really was. Sounds to me like more of an excuse to cheat.

Life in a marriage ebbs and flows, attention gets redirected, we forget priorities and the OP is not a mind reader! Part of a good relationship is communication. Not sitting quietly building up resentment because your spouse isn't reading your mind.

OP stop beating yourself up, stop blaming yourself. He chose to cheat. Don't let him offload this on you.

I don't think it does any good to say the OP has had ZERO role in the scenario she finds herself in, in admitting that she tuned out for a good length of time she is accepting that she has played A part in things. She doesn't need to be talked out of it and in a way I find attempts to do so quite condescending, as if she were a victim of some terrible man rather than having agency of her own. I think when a marriage ends for whatever reason, it behoves the parties to really look at how they acted, where they went wrong, what they would do differently in the future. Of course there are people who are genuinely 100% blameless but they are rare, in most cases there's plenty of fault to go around or maybe it's that it's run its course. Of course the OP's ex shouldn't have had an affair, that's a given, of course he should have left if he was unhappy. But it can also simultaneously be true that OP was not paying any attention to her relationship and appeared to her husband to not care one way or another.

OP is absolutely responsible for 50% of the state of her marriage, her husband is responsible for the other 50%.
Her husband is 100% to blame for choosing to cheat as a way of dealing with whatever issues may or may not have been present in the marriage. The OP is not responsible at all for his personal choice in response to circumstances she had agency in. Nobody held a gun to his head, nobody ‘made’ him cheat or ‘drove’ him to cheat. He chose to. Nobody’s marriage is perfect. Some are great, middling or downright awful. Cheating is never, ever an acceptable way of dealing with things. The choice to cheat as a way of dealing with marital issues is the cheater’s alone.
If you don’t earn enough money to buy your child a phone, is it therefore your fault if they decide to steal one? You may be instrumental in any set of circumstances, but you can have no control whatsoever over the way others choose to deal with them.
You are not to blame for his affair, OP.

why do all women neglect their partners and stop giving them any attention like you for 5 years !! , then when their partners leave they say it's out of the blue and it's not our fault , LOL , ofc it's your fault , who want to be in a relationship where their partner neglect them

@husbandleft

I think she spends a great deal of time there. Just hasn't moved her stuff in yet.

I was friends with him for 10 years before we got together and at least the first three quarters of our marriage was good. But I became very wrapped up in my job the last 5 years and didn't give the marriage any attention. He should have said he was not happy but I think in reality he just got on with his own life and was vulnerable when she came along.

I want to put it back to how it was before that.

I know how shit this sounds.

wow you're really taking on all the blame here OP for something that your husband has done. I'm sure that makes life nice and easy for him. It isn't your fault and you should work on your self esteem until you realise that, maybe then you will realise that you don't want the cheating scumbag back at all

@Maze76
I'm sorry , are you blind ?
she said she didn't give any attention to their relationship for 5 years , she is the one who changed , she is not the same person he married , it's absolutely her fault , he deserves to be with someone who value the relationship and make him feel loved .