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Original poster

Husband left to live with another woman. Will he come back?

146 replies

husbandleft · 06/06/2021 20:29

A little while ago my husband of 22 years announced that he had been having an affair with a work colleague for just over 2 years and he was leaving. We have a DD aged 14.

It's true to say that our marriage had got into a rut and he has found someone who pays him great attention and he has decided that they will be together for ever. My DD is very upset and does not want to talk to her father and has not done so since he left.

I do believe that this is his first affair.

What are the odds of winning him back. I miss him so much.

OP posts:
Blankspace101 · 27/06/2021 16:11

It’s a bit late now to win him back.

Happymum12345 · 27/06/2021 16:16

I ‘forgave’ my dh’s affair years & years & we’re still together. We had two very young dc at the time. I’m still heartbroken all these years later. I don’t think it’s worth it. I doubt you would ever trust him again. I certainly don’t trust my dh or anyone for that matter.

Wearywithteens · 27/06/2021 16:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

grapewine · 27/06/2021 16:29

in all likelihood he will come crawling back in a couple of months.

That's fairly unlikely, given that he's been at it for years. OP shouldn't want him back anyway. He's no prize. I know it hurts, OP, but he's not worth the headspace.

Standrewsschool · 27/06/2021 16:31

He’s not a prize that needs to be won.

grapewine · 27/06/2021 16:31

Tbh, after reading this

But I became very wrapped up in my job the last 5 years and didn't give the marriage any attention.

why would you want him back? Five years is a long time, OP.

quizqueen · 27/06/2021 16:33

Never give a cheater a second chance...............EVER

Walkaround · 27/06/2021 16:38

Don’t try to win him back. And he likely will try to screw you over when you divorce - he’s got a new woman to think about now and has already justified his behaviour in his own mind by telling himself he was unhappy with you, despite being too bloody lazy to mention this to you.

Kokosrieksts · 27/06/2021 16:47

After 2 years of cheating? Just why, why would would you want him back.

SuperstoreFan · 27/06/2021 16:49

Why would you want him back? Let him be with someone who makes him happy.

HelenHywater · 27/06/2021 16:54

From your post you've taken all responsibility for this - YOU got wrapped up in your job and YOU didn't give him the attention, and HE was vulnerable. Like some weak little creature that had no choice but to put his penis into someone else because you drove him to it?

He's made his own choices OP. Now you make yours - stop waiting for him to come back. You sound as though you're pretty well sorted.

I would say however, that, ime, however reasonable he's being now about money and mortgage, this changes. Be prepared for him to start all sorts of tricks. Get a lawyer and protect yourself.

Lilyargin · 27/06/2021 16:56

If you were to get him back, you would effectively be saying to him that it’s ok to treat you as did. So he would do it again.
You deserve better.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/06/2021 17:00

however reasonable he's being now about money and mortgage, this changes. Be prepared for him to start all sorts of tricks. Get a lawyer and protect yourself.

Please do this, OP. You may be amazed how quickly his currently reasonable attitude wears off.

Ladylokidoki · 27/06/2021 17:06

No one can you tell if he will come back.

But he will only come back if she doesn't want him. And if she wanted him back he would leave you again.

You will always feel second best if he comes back. That you know when he had a choice, he chose her. You won't ever be happy with him again.

You didn't cause this with your career or hobbies or anything else

This happened because he is a cheating twat.

Roselilly36 · 27/06/2021 17:10

@Ultimatecougar

My husband did this. I took him back. He did it again. Don’t be me.
This ^^. How could you ever trust him again? Friends of mine who’s husbands have cheated, always do it again. Move on with your life OP Flowers
Lovemusic33 · 27/06/2021 17:17

Why would you want him back, what will this teach your dd? That it’s ok for a husband to cheat on his wife and return when he gets fed up with his bit on the side?

beigebrownblue · 27/06/2021 17:18

when I was going through the awful mess that was my divorce, some kind person said to me

'he did you a favour', meaning he exposed his own lies and gaslighting etc.

I dread to think how my wellbeing would have suffered if I had had to stay in that relationship. Although I didn't see it at the time.

When I think about it, even the hardest of things I've chosen to deal with as a single parent are way better than anything when i was married to him.

And perish the thought I would have had to look after him in his old age, after all that...

you have got this

Canigooutyet · 27/06/2021 17:22

You say you won't give him a divorce for 2 years, why?
He can apply for one well before then.

You say you trust him to not screw you financially, when he couldn't be trusted to not betray you.

He is trying to lay the guilt with you by saying what he's saying and turning the blame onto you. All of this is his own doing. No one else's.

Take control of your and your daughters life and get the divorce started. Whoever is feeding you this info tell them your not interested, let them crack on. If this is coming from him - you're telling me because? Why should I care? I'm not interested. It's not relevant to our dd's needs. Bore off etc.

Also sounds like your dd had issues with him before all of this.

Slythermum · 27/06/2021 17:23

He sounds like Matt Hancock. Time to show him the door.

pinkpapaya · 27/06/2021 17:29

Pack all his clothes and personal effects in a suitcase and dump them at the flat door if you haven't already. Change the locks - easy to do yourself. Do NOT give him the 'option' of choosing you, Make him feel he has run out of road. At the moment, he knows you want him back and that gives him a delicious sense of power and using you as an escape route if it doesn't work out with the mistress. Don't bend over being nice. Be polite but vague on the phone. Don't talk. Get out there and get fabulous - gym, haircut, clothes. Don't be available when he calls. tell the kids not to tell him anything about you if he calls them. Visiting times outside the house. Get legal advice and also get everything financial logged and evidence stowed - at a friend's house or anywhere safe. If you have house insurance or are a union member, there is normally free legal advice available. Don't let on you are doing any of this until you are ready and armed. You may not have to use it but good to have if you do. Tell his mum and dad and his friends you have split and give your side of the story in a calm way refraining from using condemnation for him and the mistress - that gives you control of the narrative. If SHE calls or turns up, DO NOT engage.

diamondpony80 · 27/06/2021 17:31

He moved on 2 years ago and has made a new life for himself. It's time for you to do the same. Why would you blame yourself? He's the one who walked out on the marriage without trying to fix things.

gillysSong · 27/06/2021 17:32

Dear God, this must be so hard for you and your dd.
Why on earth would you want the booby prize of an adulterer.
Please let OW be the one to be looking over her shoulder whilst they're together.
Just be ready for him trying to minimise it all when ow doesn't leave her child for him.

BlueMongoose · 27/06/2021 17:35

Please do get legal advice as soon as you can, as in, as soon as you can get an appointment with a solicitor (if you can get a recommendation so much the better, but don't hang around too long looking for one). Whatever you decide to do, you need to know exactly where you stand legally and financially.

category12 · 27/06/2021 17:39

You might he find he decides to file for divorce himself and takes that sense of power away from you.

Your best shot at getting him back is actually pretty counter-intuitive - do the 180: beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ There's nothing less attractive than appearing desperate and making yourself a doormat - it devalues you to him as well as ruining what's left of your self-esteem. Act like you are confident about moving on and about handling what's happened. If you fake enough you might start believing it yourself too, and if he does come crawling back you might not want him, but either way, begging never got anyone anything but contempt. So act like you value yourself, even if you don't feel it. Channel a strong woman you admire.

unim · 27/06/2021 17:58

He doesn't sound worth winning back.

You deserve better. There is a better relationship out there for you with somebody who will value you and be honest with you. No amount of your being distracted by work or family life justifies your partner's lies and cheating.