Husband left to live with another woman. Will he come back?

[husbandleft]

A little while ago my husband of 22 years announced that he had been having an affair with a work colleague for just over 2 years and he was leaving. We have a DD aged 14.

It's true to say that our marriage had got into a rut and he has found someone who pays him great attention and he has decided that they will be together for ever. My DD is very upset and does not want to talk to her father and has not done so since he left.

I do believe that this is his first affair.

What are the odds of winning him back. I miss him so much.

Sorry OP. There’s no going back from a 2 year affair. Stop torturing yourself.

It doesn’t sound shit but he’s already gone.

OP I think it’s very unlikely that he will come back and you absolutely shouldn’t wait around in the hope that he might come back at some point. You’re worth more than that.

He has most likely been having an affair for months/years and planned his exit for a while.

Even if he does come back, and I do think it’a unlikely, would you want to be his safety net? When the spark or novelty has ran out of his affair? You’re worth more than that.

Taking him back won't undo what's happened. Nothing will.

I think these feelings and wishing you could turn back time, etc are part of grieving the end of the relationship.

Sorry just re read your OP saying the affair was for 2 years, either way this affair wasn’t accident, it was decision

Well I don’t think anyone can win anyone back, if he wanted to come back he would - be honestly, once the dust had settled would you want him to? It would never be the same, the trust and friendship would be gone.

Honestly the best thing you can do for you and your daughter is to focus on moving forward with your life. I know that is a crazy hard thing to imagine but can you think of one thing you’d like to do eg an extended holiday for you and your daughter next year?

Your daughter will most likely adapt, if you encourage contact as much as you can.

Try not to blame yourself or re-imagine scenarios. This very possibly would have happened regardless of your job.

You’re in shock, which is totally understandable. The key thing right now is to look after yourself. The rest of the story will unfold in time, there is nothing you need to do but care for yourself and your DD. Keep yourself afloat; eat well, get some sleep, safeguard your finances, get your friends around you for support, do something nice with your DD-spa day maybe, whatever you feel. In time it will all make sense (I.e you’ll see him more clearly for what he is!) but right now steady yourself.

My DD is adamant she doesn't want to see him. I've said she mustn't refuse to see him to protect me but she says she doesn't want to. She hasn't said much else although our relationship has improved so that it an upside to all this.

he should have absolutely told me he was not happy (since 2017 apparently
He's only saying it now because he's looking for a reason why he had an affair. The answer that he really fancied having sex with another woman despite your marriage being fine makes him sound (and feel) bad, whereas the explanation that he must have felt reallly sad and needed comforting makes it more your fault, and is much easier for him to live with his conscience.

After a couple of years of the affair, he reckoned their relationship was strong enough that he could move out safely straight into a new family. However, as it turned out, she did not want to do the same thing. Her husband will most likely not yet know a) that he and his wife are estranged or b) that she's having an affair.

My husband did not come back when his OW dumped him as he knew he was absolutely not welcome. But if you are willing to let him do what he fancies while swallowing all your own needs and wants, and then constantly being on edge for him to cheat again, I guess it's a possibility. I've known it happen once.

OP, it also sounds like you are quite understandably and naturally cycling through the stages of grief. Have a look at this and see if it resonates.

www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief

I'm pretty sure her husband will know by now - we live in a fairly small community. I've also had someone who happens to know them well, when I told them who my husband had left for say to me 'her long-suffering husband will be relieved'

You cannot ever put it back to the way it was before.

Pull yourself together, support your DD and file for divorce. And actually, take a good look at your brilliant daughter, who has decided at 14 that NO man gets to shit all over her life without taking the consequences. You could learn a lot from her.

He's betrayed the pair of you for the past two years. You would be foolish and weak to ever want him back. He's certainly no prize to win.

I would focus on doing new things for you. Both alone and with your daughter and friends. There is a whole world out there and so many adventures to be had.

I can't understand why you'd want him back?

I'd be gathering all the information you need, change the locks and serve the divorce papers.

You're worth more than this.

Yes we have both been betrayed. My DD I think feels betrayed

I do have one set of friends where the wife had an affair and left for a year but they worked it through and are stronger than ever.

Change is hard. And when it has been forced upon you it is even harder.

You are In Fight mode and that is understandable. It is easy for those on the outside asking why would you want him back.

Just take it day by day. Focus on you and your dd. Try to not engage with him. He isn't the man you loved. He is someone completely. Different. And don't be taking all the blame. He made a choice. Did you ever look at someone else or start an emotional or physical relationship outside your marriage? No because you are committed to him.

You know you deserve better. You know you should let him shove off. Right now you can't imagine a life that he isn't in. Don't think too far a head.

Show him you have got this. Pack his stuff up. Sort things out at home. Lock the doors when he comes to see dd. He is a guest. He doesnt get to walk in and out.

Money through child support

Legal advice.

Gather good people around you. Seek the support of counsellor. Off load to them. Do not reach out to him. Write journals. Keep notes. Do not reply to anything immediately. Or with emotion. It is a business like relationship now.

Remember to eat and drink. And know this will pass. And you are stronger than you think you are.

Some couples can survive affairs. But I'm sure they are always trust issues after that. Cross those bridges if and when they happen. Right now don't pin your hopes on it.

To anyone who I spoke to about my ex and ow. I said I wished them well. I actually hoped they crashed and burned. But it took effort and energy to be angry. And I couldn't be bothered with that. Just focus on you right now. This will pass

Oh I hope they crash and burn and I think they might when reality instead of secret assignations take hold.

But I'm not prepared to give him a divorce for at least two years.

He is paying maintenance and the mortgage.

Learn to love your freedom and you'll be thinking good bloody riddance.
Draw the line, be glad of the good times , and know that you've got new opportunities. He's made his bed, let him get on with it. Rebuild a better way of life, it's possible with the right attitude. We get addicted to the familiar, whether good or bad, get out of your comfort zone, Life is for living.

Comments from others like "Are you so downtrodden" are not helpfull.
Ignore responses like that.
You are hurt, Trying to find a solution.
Honestly - there is only one.
Accept it and move on.
Stand back and look at it from the outside - Who is the better and moretrustworthy person. You or Him.
How could you ever trust him again ?
Ask yourself - next time he's home late, or on the phone in another room, ortexting that you cannot see.
You couldn't trust him again.
( The same if it's a male or female betrayal )
scaredsand... is right in what they sent.
Concentrate on a better more fulfilled life without him.
Small steps. Treat yourself.
It's early days. You might not fully understand that.
Time is a great healer - but it moves at it's own pace.
You cannot speed time up.
Get help. GP first. Then referral to a therapist if you need it.
Or go private through work if you have a health policy with them.
I repeat - do not live in hope. 2 years affair is too late.

I'm a pretty kick-ass person (despite being late fifties) and have lots of interests, hobbies l, friends and an interesting job. But I still miss him like hell

@husbandleft

Yes we have both been betrayed. My DD I think feels betrayed

I do have one set of friends where the wife had an affair and left for a year but they worked it through and are stronger than ever.

I would say that friend whose wife had an affair and they are stronger than ever after it are the exception not the rule.

It also requires both parties wanting to make the relationship work, not one moving out and moving on with another person.

You didn’t deserve any of this to happen and I’m so sorry for you and your DD, you have both been betrayed.

Do you think some counselling would benefit you both, just to talk through your feelings?

Your dd is very wise at her age. Don’t force her to see him. She’s made her decision. Don’t inflict him in her.
I’d be going over to the ow’s husband’s house to find out what’s really going on.

I'm definitely not going to her husband's house. What would I do with that information even if I could get it. I do have some self respect left and that's where I draw the line.

My husband doesn't seem bothered thats she hadn't moved in because she is there a lot. They apparently plan to get a bigger place and then she will move in

Going over to the OW's house will achieve nothing.
It will change nothing.
It's not helpfull - suggesting that.