Husband left to live with another woman. Will he come back?

[husbandleft]

A little while ago my husband of 22 years announced that he had been having an affair with a work colleague for just over 2 years and he was leaving. We have a DD aged 14.

It's true to say that our marriage had got into a rut and he has found someone who pays him great attention and he has decided that they will be together for ever. My DD is very upset and does not want to talk to her father and has not done so since he left.

I do believe that this is his first affair.

What are the odds of winning him back. I miss him so much.

My husband did this. I took him back. He did it again. Don’t be me.

Ultimatecougar... Your so right.
Doesn't matter if it happens to a Husband or Wife.
Your answer is correct.

Maybe you should look for therapy and productive activities for you and/or your daughter could do to help you both heal? Maybe take up a team sport or class or get a cat or a new hobby or go axe throwing or anything just to keep you busy and distracted.

I would sort out the financial side before his guilt wears off. Delaying the divorce for two years may not be in your best interests. See a solicitor and start thinking about how to move on.

If he is paying for a rental and a mortgage and maintenance but she wants a bigger place to move into I’d start getting your ducks in a row as they say on here … he’s proved he’s not decent already by this affair don’t let him put your DDs home in jeopardy

@husbandleft

Yes we have both been betrayed. My DD I think feels betrayed

I do have one set of friends where the wife had an affair and left for a year but they worked it through and are stronger than ever.

Very few (if any) such couples are stronger than ever. Indeed, many are weak as kittens.

There is a Japanese concept of truth in personal matters, Honne and Tatemae, which fits here, public truth vs personal truth. "Stronger than ever" is merely the public truth. The personal truth will be somewhat more grim.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honne_and_tatemae

Thank you all

I have more hobbies etc than I can manage already - indeed I have had to cut back to make more time for my DD now I'm single parenting.

I do trust him not to rip the home from under us but the moment I see anything to make me think otherwise I will be at the lawyers.

If it gets to the separation stage.
Only you can decide if it does, based on the information given to you on this site, friends, family etc:.
I believe first step woud be a separation agreement.
See your solicitor, If your sure it's going that way, asap.
Establishing that there will be no financial dependancy on each other except for DD.
Stops your, what will be EX, making you responsible for some of what could be his debt.
Separate your bank accounts and create new ones if you have to.
That protects you and protects him.
But it all has to be fair and equitable in the eyes of the law, come divorce.

So sorry that this has happened to you.
Nobody can answer your question, sadly. He might decide he wants to come back, but at present he seems to believe that planning a new life with OW is his future.

What is important now is you, your life and your DD. You have to decide if you want to wait sadly for something that may never happen and is probably not worth waiting for, or whether the best thing to do is to leave him to it and concentrate on your life and your daughter.
Of course you miss him like hell. He’s your husband of many years who has hurt you to the core. It doesn’t matter how badly they have behaved, love doesn’t turn on and off like a tap. Your lives have been lived together for a long time, it is very hard now to see a life without him. These things don’t change because of infidelity and separation. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way. It would be hard not to.
I have a friend whose husband did this and did want to come back a month later. She made him live on his own for six months to prove OW was the past, and to prove that his family came first. During that time she concentrated on her own life and arranged it so that going forward she could manage with or without him.
Fifteen years later they are still married and very happy, but she was certainly not waiting around for him to come back and had seen a solicitor and got all her ducks in a row before she would even consider his return. When she did eventually allow him to come home, it was all on her terms. It is, however, a rare thing.

You need to take time to heal and be extra kind to yourself and your daughter. Move forward one day or even one single step at a time, as if he is not coming back. Build yourself a life for you and your DD.

If or when he asks to come back, then the decision is still yours. However, you just might find that by then, your opinion of him and his treatment of you has changed. By then, your life might be so good without him that you won’t remember why you wanted him to come home.
He is not putting you first at the moment. So you have to. He doesn’t deserve you, concentrate on those who have your best interests at heart now. Then you will find the strength to cope, and time will let you know whether or not you even want him back. XX

Thank you wookie . That's helpful. Yes I had it in mind that if he did ask to come back he would have to stay in the flat he has rented for a while while we undertook counselling. Tbh I don't want it going back to how it has been over the last three or four years either. There's an issue with the fact that he would still be working with her as I don't see either of them leaving their jobs.

You miss who you thought he was, not who he actually is. I think I could take my husband back if he had a quick fling but your husband has been lying to you every single day for 2 years. None of what you thought you had in the last 2 years has really been real. He's lied and he's prioritised himself (and he's put you at risk sexually)

Grieve for him, miss him, break your heart for him. But don't take him back, you deserve so much better

I know it's hard because it makes it real but please please start moving on the legal stuff. Take control. YOU file for divorce, on your terms. Knowledge is key here. My ex (who also fucked off with OW) is terrible at details.. Far less interesting than playing Romeo and Juliet 🙄, promised all sorts financially and was pretty shocked and angry when he realised he couldn't just bimble off and pay what he thought was right. It got nasty pretty quick. Please do not trust that he will do anything at all that is in the best interests if you or his dd. If the ow is pulling him in the other direction, that's where he'll go cos that's the bed he's made and has to lie in. Get to a solicitir ASAP. Gather as much financial info as possible and under no circumstances take anything he tells you about the legal or financial side. The hardest thing is realising they are no longer on your side. This awful train wreck thing has happened and the person you would normally have turned to to get you through it has caused it. It's incredibly hard. Of course you want to turn the clock back, but it's big girl pants time. Get angry. Stay angry and use it to achieve a secure future. As for him. Cool, detached, businesslike is the only way. Good luck

I will repeat what I was told: guilt has a short shelf life, so whilst he is on some level feeling bad, see a lawyer and get the financials worked out. If he wants to come back and you want that too, any agreement can be torn up later.

In my case, H left, finally admitted to OW. I grieved, I would have had him back, I told him so. At the same time a little voice asked me about trust…. But I used to fantasise about him turning up with roses and apologies. 5 years later I hope he doesn’t turn up, the fantasy has gone. And I wish him no ill but I wouldn’t have him back. I have my life now, I couldn’t see this would happen but now it has……. Take your time, work on yourself and your self-esteem, have counselling if that helps (it did me) and trust that things will change. You won’t always feel this way.

To be blunt he chose her and he isn’t coming back. Sorry I’m not saying it to be mean but he checked out Of your marriage a long time ago. You really need to accept you have no chance of winning him back and concentrate on your daughter

She has told her husband and daughter who are apparently fine with that. If he (or you) believe that, you will believe anything.

@FaceyRomford

She has told her husband and daughter who are apparently fine with that. If he (or you) believe that, you will believe anything.

agreed 🌸

@Objectiveman

If someone is stupid enough to walk out on you. let them go. If he's been doing it for 2 years, you will not win him back. He is resolute in what he is doing. You say it's his first affair. - OK let him come back - what happens when he has his second, or third. Do not live in hope - it is corrossive. You must move on. Stop thinking of what if. You say your marriage was in a Rut - Well both parties have to work on a marriage, he was busy working something elsewhere. Be strong. Say YOU CAN do this. Live for the present, plan for the future. Do not reflect on the past - it's too late ...move on. Do not look back, look forward. It will be tough to start with. It gets easier SLOWLY. Get medical help with the anxiety. I've through it twice now. I'm resolved - I will not take her back. You can do this. DD's are stronger than you think. They will adjust.

Excellent post! 👍

Oh OP!

You are clearly planning on your head for ‘when’ he comes back. Please, find your anger. This man lied to you for at least 2 years. To assuage his guilt, he’s told you he was unhappy for years. This is most likely a lie. If not, why didn’t he talk to you or try to do something about it?

He’s moved out and loves someone else.

This is the end of your marriage.

Your comment about not divorcing cor two years is again, you hoping he’ll come back; he’ll still be ‘your’ husband. You’ll think there’s a chance it’ll all go away.

I agree with PP. guilt has a very short shelf life. By being passive in your divorce, you are giving him all the time in the world to screw you over. And he will.

Please, think of yourself and your daughter. Find a solicitor. Protect both of your futures.

I took my exh back after an affair and that was after a year of him apologising/doing everything he could. I put it down to the same reasons as you and also that he'd had a couple of close bereavements/stress and met the ow through work just at the wrong time (she was also going through similar).

4 years later he did it again at a time when things were genuinely good, we didn't argue, had more time for each other, good sex life, romantic trip away together. This time he actively sought somebody out from his past.

People who cheat especially so callously as your husband will absolutely do it again.
It will be so hard but I promise your life gets better and you deserve so much more than this.

One's own judgment can be unreliable at a time like this. Your instincts tell you to bring the partner home.

It's bollocks.

What's gone is gone. He's not your man any more.

His going off with a woman had nothing to do with anything missing from his life with you. What happened was that he got hard for some woman and she made herself available.

My experience and observations suggest that he will come crawling back, possibly tentatively, possibly insincerely. He'll try to get back into your bed, even if not into your life. So many do. He won't be genuine. If he actually comes back to live with you, he's playing for time, possibly protecting financial assets.

Today, make an appointment with a solicitor and find out where you stand. Don't be directed into 'legal separation' with hope of reconciliation - it's not in your best interests. Get what you can out of this relationship, which he, of his own choosing, has destroyed.

The amount of posters on here who say that they can’t believe how quickly the maintenance payments go from very generous to minimal is so large that I wouldn’t risk it.

Once he starts realising how much his new life is going to cost and when he and OW want to go on holidays and eat out and public dates, he will know he needs more cash and they may end up wanting a big house so each of their dc have their own room.

Currently the children might not want to stay over, but that might not stop wanting the big house as things change.

Protect your finances at all costs

why do you want him back ?
you said you didnt care about him and didn't give him any attention for 5 years !!! ,what did you expect from him?
if he cheated you would say " why didn't he leave before cheating ? "
he did the right thing for him , he left for someone who love him and gave him the attention he need , nothing changed for you now , you didnt care about him before and you should let him live happy with her now

@DoingItMyself
how his going off with a woman had nothing to do with anything missing from his life with her?
she said she didn't give him any attention for 5 years !!!! , like ofc he left because of this, nobody would like to stay in a relationship without any attention for 5 years

I read somewhere recently that you never truly know someone unless you go through a divorce. In my experience this is true.
I am sorry this has happened to you but of course no one can predict on here whether he will come back. You seem to know a lot about his current living circumstances etc, you really need to go no contact now for your own benefit.
Personally I hope he does not try to come back, you sound financially self sufficient, get the finances sorted and this could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. But please do not think any of this is your fault through neglecting him.
Time to look after number one now and your daughter.

You're a fool to think he's going to keep paying the mortgage for 2 years...you need to protect yourself financially. I give it 6 months tops. She will want him to invest more in their life together. Solicitor now OP.

Don't try to win him back.
As devastating as it is, you can't control if your husband has an affair. You can control your life going forward now, though.