Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

@saraclara

none of my family or friends like him.

Listen to them. NONE of your family or friends, not one of them, like him. What does that say?

he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot.

You say your family is important to you, and yet you let this foul man treat your sister appallingly, and STAY with him?

Bringing a child into this relationship would be disastrous. For you and for the child. You're better off leaving him and having a baby on your own by donor sperm.

It's a red flag if no one likes him. Treating your sister badly is a massive red flag.

@BlueTriskel true, I may have been overplaying the cultural differences. And I didn’t mean women ‘arent’ allowed’ to the pub or to drink, however in my experience that if the Irish man comes from a family where they don’t drink very much, then it’s very difficult to accept a woman who does. And also if she doing it in a way that isn’t within families or close circles would be seen as more risky and slightly shameful behaviour - in my experience. So drinking at a wedding, fine, going out mid week with acquaintances and drinking, really not fine.

he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a ct, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating

He is ABUSIVE. If you have a child with him it will only get a million times worse.

I'm not one of the instant LTB brigade at ALL but you NEED to leave this man for your mental health, self respect and sanity. Being single (and able to mingle with no nasty comebacks) sounds MUCH healthier than this horrible toxic incompatible mess you're in now.

With all due respect, he doesn't want to spend time with you, and you are not his world. Because it's not really you that he wants. He wants this made-up person who stays home with him and lives life his way. All of the things he may have loved about you when you first met are awful and threatening to him now. He's abusive and controlling. Keeping your home and trying for a baby are not worth a lifetime of this crap. Get out as fast as you can. Be yourself again and enjoy life.

A real man doesn't talk to women that way. A real man doesn't video his partner whilst they are asleep so they can use it as a weapon against them. A real man looks after his partner, and this includes when their partner gets shitfaced. They may not do it themselves, they may not approve, but they don't try and control what a grown woman does with her time and her body. I'm sure your husband thinks he's a real man, but he isn't. Sorry.

Gosh I'm so sorry, OP. You didn't marry "the school principal, or the fun police" -- you married an utter arsehole.

Sad to say, but losing your home, and not having kids, are actually much better options than staying with him, unfortunately.

On the other hand, being single at 40 will be great. I had the time of my life in my 40s after divorce!

@GammyLeg

He rips the bedclothes off and calls you a cunt and a whore?

That is abusive and his other behaviour is controlling. How do you think bringing a baby into this will improve the situation?

and films her at her most vulnerable and manipulates the contact she has with friends.

A truly nasty piece of work 😖

OP I think you accidentally created a thread when you meant to post on this one:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4262784-Worst-Human-being-youve-ever-known

You'd be much better off going down the donor sperm route because a man like this shouldn't be a husband, never mind a father. He is abusing you and your child is going to be negatively affected by that.
What do you think he'd do if your child wanted to try alcohol (as many do) never mind get drunk for the first time?
The problem is not that you have opposite ideas of fun so aren't compatible. He is abusing with the filming, ripping off bed clothes etc and would be an appalling parent. It would be much easier to be a parent using donor speed than single with his child as you'll be stuck with him abusing you and the child for 18+ years

He’s cruel, abusive and not for you. You will never be happy with him.

I think you know deep down what you need to do. FYI I met my other half at 42 and had my first baby at 44 (no IVF, seems to be the first thing people ask me) . I was with a guy for years previously but it was alway “ the Tom Show”, it was all about him and I knew I wasn’t being treated with respect. I was gutted when I ditched him - I didn’t love him, but was angry that I’d wasted years with him and might end up childless. You need to brutally honest with yourself. What do you want? And how will you get it? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being called names?

The thing is, if you have a baby with him, he'll become more controlling and he'll be a terrible father. And then if you pluck up the courage to leave him, he'll get access to that child without you.

There is absolutely no good outcome to having a baby with this man. Every aspect of your life will be worse, and you'll be condemning your child to a life with a father who'll doubtless be just as abusive to him/her.

You need to leave and you know it - this is awful, it is abusive and controlling and it will get worse with kids. Do you want a man who calls you a cunt and a whore to be the father of your kids? You are clearly a happy, cheerful person so get out and be that. I don’t see any reason you won’t meet someone else pretty quickly if that’s what you want. Who knows re kids, but you could say that now.

I’d find a solicitor to call on Monday and get the ball rolling. Don’t talk to him until you have plans in place.

this is an extrovert/introvert clash - WTF?

err - if he is pulling off the bedclothes, calling OP a cunt and a whore, it sounds a whole lot more than that. He is trying to prevent OP socialising, seeing family, having social drinks, or even a glass of wine. Sounds a lot more like coercive control to me.
Getting very drunk at a Christmas party three and a half years ago, and the occasional 'one too many' doesn't really sound as if OP has a drink problem.

Agree with PPs that best to abandon the IVF and get out - do you really want 40 more years of this?

You were clearly never suited at all. It sounds like he’s minimised how social you are and you’ve minimised how dull he is, in order to be together.

The only issue you should be looking at, and the one which is worrying and will escalate if you have children, is his abusive behaviour towards you. Do you really think putting up with this, is preferable to being single at 40.

You have no idea whether leaving him means you will never have a baby. You could meet someone else and have a child. It would be crazy to stay with him just to have a child. Just think how much more controlling he will be come, and how isolated your life will be.

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible

The life you are living sounds horrible. How could it be worse.

Couldn’t you have IVF on your own? The last thing you want is to bring a child into this relationship. You might comply to this BS but a child won’t

Being single at 40 will not be horrible.

Being called a whore and a cunt in your own home by the person who supposedly loves you is horrible.

Sorry, but I think having a baby with this man will probably be a disaster for you.

I had a 6 year relationship JUST like this- I grew to resent him so much!!! I left him and haven’t looked back! I was 39 and all I can say is the only thing scarier than being single at 40 is spending the rest of your life with this miserable (and quite nasty) bastard 💐

he calls me a ct, whore and all the nasty words you can think of

Nope. No thanks. I’m done.

The only thing scarier than being single at 40 is spending the rest of your life with this miserable (and quite nasty) bastard

This.

My friend was in a similar situation to you OP and at a similar age. She did something quite ruthless but which has sort of worked out for everyone. She waited until she got pregnant by him, then left him. He has always thought that she found out she was pregnant after they split.

That was 8 years ago and they now both live with other partners and share childcare amicably.

Good luck

He doesn't deserve to be a husband or a dad. Don't be the one to give him that privilege. Would you want him to speak to a daughter that way? Or encourage a son to speak that way?

He will,without a doubt, become even more controlling and abusive once you have a baby. If not before.

@JanuaryJonez

The only thing scarier than being single at 40 is spending the rest of your life with this miserable (and quite nasty) bastard

This.

My friend was in a similar situation to you OP and at a similar age. She did something quite ruthless but which has sort of worked out for everyone. She waited until she got pregnant by him, then left him. He has always thought that she found out she was pregnant after they split.

That was 8 years ago and they now both live with other partners and share childcare amicably.

Good luck

Why did she want to get pregnant to him?

Your husband behaviour to you is horrible and very controlling. You are 2 very different people but his behaviour and abusive to you is totally separate to his being an introvert.
I'm also from Ireland and know of a couple of people who would view others in their circle who drink alcohol frequently (in social settings) as being alcoholics. The drinker may only be having a couple of drinks and I definitely would not call them even heavy drinkers.
This perception is due to being raised with parents who drank heavily. I dont know if this is more common in Ireland due to the types of drinking cultures we have in Ireland or if it's similar in the UK. They are proud of their pioneer pledge and I would not be able to live up to their values.
The difference between them & your husband is while they can be a bit overbearing about alcohol, they aren't abusive or mean.
Your husband videoing you, calling you terrible names and taking blankets from you is disgraceful.
Please do not have children with his man. His control and possession of them would be terrible whether you stayed living with him or not.
Confide in your friends and family and concentrate on yourself. Don't waste your headspace worrying about him. He is only using his to manipulate and hurt you.

IVF is free on the NHS but a donor is £6000. Perhaps the op can't afford to pay for donor IVF. For me personally I would stay until baby arrives and see if the dynamic improves because it might. If not I'd be a lone parent. As long as I go in with eyes wide open.

I hate the way women have only a 10 ish year window to have babies

@RedBonnet

IVF is free on the NHS but a donor is £6000. Perhaps the op can't afford to pay for donor IVF. For me personally I would stay until baby arrives and see if the dynamic improves because it might. If not I'd be a lone parent. As long as I go in with eyes wide open.

I hate the way women have only a 10 ish year window to have babies

@RedBonnet The dynamic never, NEVER, EVER improves. It only gets worse. Pregnancy is the most common starting time when male partners become abusive. If you think a baby could " improve " a dynamic where the husband is selfish, controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, you're deeply delusional I'm afraid. Never has there EVER been a case where that's happened. The abuser gets WORSE and can even at times abuse/hurt/kill the baby: former SS worker and seen it all. It NEVER EVER EVER EVER gets better. The last thing you should do is stay in a Domestic Violence situation because it's volatile without adding a screaming baby and sleepless nights and nappies etc to it. So that's bad advice.

The OP is in a DV situation. She is being abused. The last thing anyone should do is advise her to have a baby and with the abuser. If SS get wind that he was abusive before baby was planned, SS can take the baby. The OP needs to leave BEFORE getting pregnant.

There are friends who can donate sperm, One Night Stands etc. Turkey basters still have a place (half joking). I am not recommending any of those personally, just saying IVF and expensive donor sperm aren't the only options.