Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

I've had some shit relationships, but no-one has ever called me a c* or a whore. That is an appalling way to speak to your wife, unforgivable. I would seriously start making plans to leave. He is not a good man to have a child with, he really isn't.

I’m not generally a LTBer but what’s to stay here for other than potential parenthood, which would be a shitshow with this guy anyway- he thinks he’s knackered now? He doesn’t know what knackered looks like.

I do understand that being 40 with fertility issues and single would be daunting but you’ve got options. Egg freezing is just one. Things can turn around very quickly in life.... you could meet someone else that you’re much more suited for this year and be pregnant within just a couple of years. I was with someone I wasn’t happy with- made the decision to leave.... less than four years on from deciding to leave I was married to my now husband and had a baby. If there had been a rush to have a child that turnaround could have been much faster. It’s not impossible.

Please don’t let this absuive, useless man destroy your life.

IVF, pregnancy and motherhood don't mix with alcohol. Full stop.
I think you are incompatible but I think you are also overreliant on alcohol. Go out, see friends but try it teetotal. That will tell you a lot about whether you have a drinking problem or not.

When you have a baby, every night is a "school" night. And when your kids get older, alcohol can seriously damage family relationships.

And of course he hasn’t cheated! That would require a bit of get up and go from him, as well as attributes that others would be attracted to...

Nettleskeins missing the point much?!

I think it would be really irresponsible knowingly bringing a baby into his life. He is an abusive person. Not safe to be a father.

Not to mention you're generally incompatible. It isn't the dream for many I understand, but I would seriously look into donor insemination.

@Nettleskeins

IVF, pregnancy and motherhood don't mix with alcohol. Full stop. I think you are incompatible but I think you are also overreliant on alcohol. Go out, see friends but try it teetotal. That will tell you a lot about whether you have a drinking problem or not.

When you have a baby, every night is a "school" night. And when your kids get older, alcohol can seriously damage family relationships.

For goodness sake. Are you so hung up on drinking you can’t see the issue she’s posting about. She’s not an alkie nor is she asking if she’s one. Get a grip of yourself. A woman’s being abused and all you can focus on is god she occasional drinks?

you are completely incompatible and have outgrown each other. Please dont have IVF. You are wasting your life

He doesn’t sound like a very nice person. I would personally get him out of your life ASAP. Sell house get what you can from it and if you really want a child and are in a rush just do so with a sperm donor. You sound like a lovely person and can find another partner in time- he on the other hand - good luck to him!

Firstly, STOP ttc with him, right this second! Stop all IVF. Immediately. This piece of vile shit is NOT fatherhood material, and I think you know that. You can always go it alone with donor sperm or a ONS if being a mother is that important to you. Being a single mum is far better than being with an ABUSIVE prick.

You are, in an abusive situation. It is Domestic Violence. DV is emotional and verbal abuse, not just physical. Him calling you a 'whore' - his own wife? With no justification? That is abuse. Him removing all sheets, leaving you cold? That is manipulative control, as well as abusive.

You are in an abusive relationship. You do not want to breed with that bit of shit, if he is the last man or maggot alive. Get out of the relationship. You are married so you should be entitled to something. But even if you're not, renting or returning to Ireland is better than staying another night with this creep.

He is controlling, he is manipulative, he is verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. He is trying to cut you off from your friends. He is an abuser.

Consider yourself truly lucky that you have no children to tie you for life to this maggot. You dodged a bullet. Now get out of there because no real man would ever treat a woman he loves like this. He is not husband material, let alone father material. The irony is he is a loser stoner who 'plays' on his playstation like a 16 year old, and he is questioning your life choices? Wtf, does he not own a mirror? You are worth so much more than him. Your life is only just beginning. You have no ties, you can leave and never see him again. Your life is just starting, go and recover your life that he stole from you.

How do you feel about donor sperm and becoming a single mum? And is that an option where you live?

I don't think you should stay with him.

Do not have a baby with him, he will ruin the kids life as much as yours.

Hes a boring horrible cunt, get rid.

He's abusive and controlling. Imagine if you had a daughter with him - would he be calling her a whore too if he didn't like what she was doing or wearing?

Ignore the posters judging your life, if he's still harking back to an incident in 2017, your drinking is hardly out of control - most of us have had the odd (or a couple of) night(s) where we've been worse for wear.

What do you think he would say if it was you who expected him to change would he put up with mane calling and being cruel because he wouldn't have a drink with you.
What would he say if you was an utter shit to his family.
I've got a feeling he would not tolorate being treated in the way he treats you.

If he wouldn’t accept that behaviour from you why in earth would you put up with it.

@Nettleskeins

IVF, pregnancy and motherhood don't mix with alcohol. Full stop. I think you are incompatible but I think you are also overreliant on alcohol. Go out, see friends but try it teetotal. That will tell you a lot about whether you have a drinking problem or not.

When you have a baby, every night is a "school" night. And when your kids get older, alcohol can seriously damage family relationships.

Oh for goodness sake, get real @Nettleskeins. She isn't drinking to excess often at all. I don't know any parent that is a teetotal. 99.479% of parents drink every now and then with no problems. Your attitude is not normal at all.

IVF, pregnancy and motherhood don't mix with alcohol. Full stop
I think you are incompatible but I think you are also overreliant on alcohol. Go out, see friends but try it teetotal. That will tell you a lot about whether you have a drinking problem or not

When you have a baby, every night is a "school" night. And when your kids get older, alcohol can seriously damage family relationships.
An absolutely disgusting post that completely misses the point.

• Dont think op and dh is compatible!😂😂 Jesus wept.

@Topseyt

I suspect you are just incompatible really, and it didn't show until after your marriage. So frustration and some abuse are now creeping in.

I must admit that I am very uncomfortable around drunk people. Getting so drunk you fell asleep on the stairs is unimpressive and very silly. I would have been angry with you too, though wouldn't have called you a cunt and a whore.

You probably do need to watch your drinking. It does sound rather too much.

You still just don't seem compatible anyway.

@Topseyt She was waiting for him to fall asleep so she wouldn't disturb him. Clearly if she wasn't so fearful of himself she would have been in bed, not on the stairs.

It’s ok to like different things but he is horrible and controlling. My Bf doesn’t drink much and I do, when I got a bit too drunk on my birthday he looked after me all night and was so caring. I think telling someone you care about you worry for them is one thing but he just doesn’t like you very much - you do need to leave him. He is unpleasant

I would immediately leave if my partner called me a cunt or a whore. Name calling is just a gateway to other abuse.

Run, run for the hills! He's insufferably boring but more importantly he is a nasty bully and he will only get more controlling if you have kids together. As heartbreaking as fertility problems are, he is not the man to have babies with - he would suck any joy out of their lives too.

Don't fear the future, you can be so much happier on your own right now and there are other much, much better potential partners out there! Honestly, we only have the one life and he's not worthy of your energy and happiness.

I used to be married to a man from Ireland, and it isn’t that unusual to be ‘traditional’ in the way that you’ve described. Courtship is different from marriage. Drinking it quite divided, many respectable families have low drinking because of past alcoholics, so getting very drunk is seen as a bit shameful. Well that was my experience anyway, it’s only over the water but there are very different histories and cultural norms.

I think that you are an average English woman who is used to being able to have more freedom, more of a wild side at times, more choices. And he doesn’t like it, and will continue not to like it. If you have children he will be even more ‘traditional’.

The above, understanding cultural differences, might be workable, but there are two reasons that stand out for me that it’s never going to work:

• he’s now become abusive. Low level abusive but it just doesn’t go away once it’s there.
• you both don’t really love each other anymore, there is little joy. You are just hanging around to have a baby.

There isn’t any future here.

none of my family or friends like him.

Listen to them. NONE of your family or friends, not one of them, like him. What does that say?

he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot.

You say your family is important to you, and yet you let this foul man treat your sister appallingly, and STAY with him?

Bringing a child into this relationship would be disastrous. For you and for the child. You're better off leaving him and having a baby on your own by donor sperm.

@WalkthisWayUK

I used to be married to a man from Ireland, and it isn’t that unusual to be ‘traditional’ in the way that you’ve described. Courtship is different from marriage. Drinking it quite divided, many respectable families have low drinking because of past alcoholics, so getting very drunk is seen as a bit shameful. Well that was my experience anyway, it’s only over the water but there are very different histories and cultural norms.

I think that you are an average English woman who is used to being able to have more freedom, more of a wild side at times, more choices. And he doesn’t like it, and will continue not to like it. If you have children he will be even more ‘traditional’.

The above, understanding cultural differences, might be workable, but there are two reasons that stand out for me that it’s never going to work:

• he’s now become abusive. Low level abusive but it just doesn’t go away once it’s there.
• you both don’t really love each other anymore, there is little joy. You are just hanging around to have a baby.

There isn’t any future here.

I honestly don't think there are any significant cultural differences at all around drinking between England and Ireland I'm Irish, but lived in England for 25 years assuming you're talking about the 30somethings the OP and her husband seem to be, and there certainly aren't any around women's 'freedom' to drink or go out before or after marriage.

My parents' generation is probably, in my experience, somewhat more likely to be teetotal (Pioneers) than their English equivalents, but that's about it.

@Notanotheruser111

I would worry that if you do have a child his “judgement” will extend to other things. Parenting is hard enough without someone actively trying to make you feel shit about it

This. He sounds like he has a nasty side with the name calling. It is very likely that it will get worse if you have a baby (abuse often begins in pregnancy), and having a baby leaves you vulnerable in the first few months and tied to the home. Will he ever let you go out again once a baby arrives? He will tell you that you are a bad mother if you want any kind of life outside the family unit and he could refuse to look after the baby so you cannot go out. You will needs friends and family if you have a baby, you do not want to be isolated with only your husband. Honestly, I think you would be better off to leave and have a baby with a sperm donor instead.