Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

I dont think I would be encouraging op to rush to have kids anyway. Even single. Not until she is out and has learned how to spot abusers and perhaps had some professional help (or at least took time and did self work) to ensure that she would not let a man like this back into her life again. Otherwise what's to stop her dating another abuser a few years down the line when she has kids?

Atm she is in an unhealthy place and a child should not be brought into that. Even if it means she runs out of time to have kids. Children do not belong with abusers OR with parents who may have codependeny issues or similar still to address. And that shit takes time.

IVF is free on the NHS but a donor is £6000. Perhaps the op can't afford to pay for donor IVF. For me personally I would stay until baby arrives and see if the dynamic improves because it might. If not I'd be a lone parent. As long as I go in with eyes wide open

That's some seriously bad advice. Ivf could take yrs and may not ever work. I wouldn't inflict him on a child, he sounds like he'd be an awful father.

The introvert/extrovert thing is a red herring, a distraction. My DH and I are opposites in these terms, but we both allow each other to live as we please and we have a great relationship. The real problem you have here is that he is abusive, controlling and he doesn't respect you. Can you really live the rest of your life like this? Do you really, honestly think that it's worth having a baby with him when your child will grow up seeing THAT relationship as their blueprint for their own adult relationships? It sounds like you're both really unhappy, but there's only one person being abusive. You really should leave him and do it sooner rather than later. I'm so sorry.

@RedBonnet

IVF is free on the NHS but a donor is £6000. Perhaps the op can't afford to pay for donor IVF. For me personally I would stay until baby arrives and see if the dynamic improves because it might. If not I'd be a lone parent. As long as I go in with eyes wide open.

I hate the way women have only a 10 ish year window to have babies

Terrible advice.

Best case scenario for OP is that her ex loses interest and abandons the child but most likely scenario is that she's trapped into sending a child who is probably going to hear horrible things about their mother. Alienation usually can't be proven and is not going to result in the dad losing contact.

One day this child might want to go in a sleepover or the pub and they are going to probably be face abuse over that too.

You want this man as the father of your children? Why exactly? Do you want him treating them this way too? He’s abusive, controlling and unpleasant. He’s ruining your life . Get out now.

IVF is free on the NHS but a donor is £6000. Perhaps the op can't afford to pay for donor IVF. For me personally I would stay until baby arrives and see if the dynamic improves because it might. If not I'd be a lone parent. As long as I go in with eyes wide open.

Don't do this OP. Abusive men often become even more abusive and controlling when their partners are pregnant, and this continues after the child is born. They don't get better, they get worse. 20% of women needing support from Refuge are pregnant or have recently had a baby. It might be a lovely fantasy that he will suddenly become a lovely husband and great father, but this is a man who calls you a cunt and films you to humiliate you, a man who regularly makes you sleep without sheets and blankets. In 20 years of marriage my husband has never called me a name. He's never tried to humiliate me. It's not normal for your husband to do this. It's honestly not. A baby isn't going to bring out the best in a man like that, but it will give him another way to hurt and control you.

If you leave him while you are pregnant or after a baby is born, you're not getting a clean break from him. You'll be sharing custody of your child with an abuser and the chances are your child won't come out unscathed. He would likely use your baby to get at you in every way he can.

@RedBonnet

IVF is free on the NHS but a donor is £6000. Perhaps the op can't afford to pay for donor IVF. For me personally I would stay until baby arrives and see if the dynamic improves because it might. If not I'd be a lone parent. As long as I go in with eyes wide open.

I hate the way women have only a 10 ish year window to have babies

IVF is not free for single women on the NHS England.

Please please please do not have a child with this man. He will use your child to get you to stay. Leave him. He is abusive. Please get out while you can. You and your future child deserve better.

The cost of 6k to get a donor would be a lot cheaper than the divorce lawyers and custody battles.

Do you plan to change your drinking and social life after you have a baby ? I think a few glasses of wine is fine but drunk regularly is different.

The name calling is rough and whilst we all say things we don't mean it's very unkind. I would consider his behaviour very controlling and often men show their true selves once women get pregnant.

If you need the IVF due to female factor then maybe go ahead and be prepared to spilt up. As in prepare everything you need, 🦆 🦆 🦆

Mummyoflittledragon

The cost of 6k to get a donor would be a lot cheaper than the divorce lawyers and custody battles

This

£6k is a credit card and even with high interest would still be cheaper than a divorce and subsequent child custody battle both on your finances and your own and your child’s well being.
Consider it a cost to keep your mental health and get what you want.

Just to be clear, during the past year (so during the pandemic) I have drank less than a handsful of times so it's not about alcohol for me, it's about socialising. If I were an alcoholic I would have drank my way through lockdown as I lost my job unfortunately. (Of course my husband and I got on so well during lockdown, as I wasn't able to go anywhere!!) I like to enjoy a bottle of wine and a chat with friends at least once a week, I don't think there is anything wrong with that, even if it is a "school night"! And yes, I might get carried away at a Christmas party or big night out twice a year, but I don't think that is crazy excessive either. I know people that get smashed every weekend and take cocaine, I never do drugs!

I just turned 40 and I had a few parties, where I was drinking but not wasted just merry and I could see the judgement in his face. I turned 40 on a Tuesday and my 2 best friends wanted to call around with a gift and to have a glass of champagne to celebrate but my husband was really annoyed as it was a "school night" and he had work in the morning, so we argued about that! IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!! No one in my life, family or friends have ever expressed worry about my drinking. My husband doesn't express concern, just rage!

When things are good between us, we are great. He is a sweet, funny, loyal guy and we do have a good life together. He does love me and is my rock most of the time. I have been ill with endometriosis and adenomyosis these past few years and I could not have gone through all the operations without him. However, people here are right in their comments, we are incompatible and that won't change, he is too strict and stern and I am too carefree and adventurous. It is zapping me of any happiness as I feel I am walking constantly on eggshells when it comes to socialising.

Many of you asked about my sister and how he treats her. He just hates her, no real reason given only that he said she is self-centred. (she is my baby sis and a bit spolit) but the way he talks about her it hurts me and he knows that. She lives on Oz so I don't get to see her often and she is my only sibling so she is very important to me, if i ever mention about going on holiday to Oz to see her he says "no f*king way I am spending 2 weeks with that b**h. It's so hurtful.

Thank you for all the advice, I really appreciate it x

Please do not have a child with this man, it will make it 100 times harder !

He gets worse with every update

He's not 'sweet and funny' he's abusing you.
If you had a baby you'd never be allowed out again.

Leave.

Your drinking isn't the issue.
Just being called a cunt and a whore would make me question everything about my marriage.
In the early years I still went clubbing with friends and get in at the very early hours. Not once did dh do anything like your dh has done. He would put a pint of water next to the bedside cabinet for me and made sure I was ok.
He would ask if I had a good night with my friends. In other words he was happy that I was happy. I can't say he was always thrilled with me waking him up when I was trying to be super quiet.
In over 30 years I he has not citizen my family, called my sister a bitch.
Your husband is nasty and cruel.
You would be making a huge mistake by having a child with this man and condemning a child to a life of misery. Why would you do that?

He sounds absolutely awful and he's sucking the life out of you. You can either allow that to continue, or leave him and reclaim your life back.
Why don't you go for a holiday to see your sister by yourself and get some breathing space?

His vicious behaviour, when you are most vulnerable, is a huge red flag. He is trying to control you. I hear you when you worry about being single or losing the chance to have children but please ask yourself what kind of father he would be? When your teenager won't do as he commands? Can you imagine how you will feel when he is calling your daughter a whore? Why do you want to raise a child with a man like that?

He’s lovely when it suits HIM, when you behave like HE wants you to. He is also trying slowly but surely to divide you from your friends and family. I am very sad to see you tolerate him talking about your sister like that, I mean - what did you say to that comment re the potential holiday? Hope you said, ‘oh well, I’ll just go on my own then’ closely followed by something along the lines of never talk about my sister like that EVER....Bring a baby into this? Please god no. Run to the nearest good lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Your friends and family hate him - he seems to hate them, is deliberately rude and seriously horrible to you. Can you imagine he was your father? You would actively choose a man like this to be the father of your child? This is who he is - he will NOT magically transform into a gentle, patient KIND person.

It will only get worse if you have children with this man.

He's emotionally abusive op, also verbally abusive! He is not a nice man and it's a toxic relationship, you can't bring dc into this, it isn't fair on them

@Kerrik

When things are good between us, we are great. He is a sweet, funny, loyal guy

Yes, when he's happy and everything is going his way, and you are not doing anything he doesn't like............., then I'm quite sure this is true.

But when you are socialising or wanting to see your family or friends, even when you have a big occasion such as a 'milestone' birthday, then things are not so 'rosy', are they ??

You're going to have to decide when (not if) you are going to leave him, because you already know you're never, ever going to be 'compatible'.

Please, please listen to everyone advising you against having a baby with him. You know already what his idea of the 'proper wife' is (and it's not you !), so do you really think you could ever pretend to be his ideal of the 'proper Mother' ??

It would only force you to endure a lifetime being 'connected' to this control freak/abuser, and would mean your poor child having to endure a lifetime with him as their 'father' (who would certainly be just as controlling/ abusive to them, because there is no child who is 'perfect', but he'll expect them to be !)

@Nettleskeins

IVF, pregnancy and motherhood don't mix with alcohol. Full stop. I think you are incompatible but I think you are also overreliant on alcohol. Go out, see friends but try it teetotal. That will tell you a lot about whether you have a drinking problem or not.

When you have a baby, every night is a "school" night. And when your kids get older, alcohol can seriously damage family relationships.

I agree with this. To be honest neither OP or her husband sound ready to be responsible parents or for the sacrifices it entails, especially at the baby stage.

Her husband is certainly wrong to call her those names but he also sounds worn down by the OP's alcohol dependency which the OP has subtly downplayed.

"Go out, see friends but try it teetotal. That will tell you a lot about whether you have a drinking problem or not."

She doesn't have a drinking problem, she likes a drink. I can go out tee total with my friends, but I'd rather not, just like I'd rather not give up cheese.

"When you have a baby, every night is a "school" night."

Yes, but she doesn't have one now does she?

Ah just seen OP's update. To be honest I'll be very surprised if her husband's beliefs around alcohol weren't apparent before. He may not have been as strict as he is now but there would have been signs. My experience of extroverts is that they can be great fun but don't have much skill in seeing anything more subtle in terms of behaviours.
Also for your birthday had the plan been you were all meant to celebrate outside of the home originally? His behaviour seems a bit strange on the face of it. Could his cannabis use be fuelling some of his behaviours?

OP, have you directly relayed to him how much his behaviour is affecting you and that you want to reach a compromise since you both have different personalities? I would suggest going for couples counselling.

"To be honest I'll be very surprised if her husband's beliefs around alcohol weren't apparent before. "

I disagree. I've seen this kind of change in people. The 'strict' personality type would have been there already, but some of these people go through a sort of rebellious youth and then become their parents. Sounds like this guy was brought up to go to bed at 9 though.

" Could his cannabis use be fuelling some of his behaviours?"

Oh, I missed this. What a hypocrite!