Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

He sounds like a sad, pathetic loser. I don't think he's wrong about your drinking (from what you say it sounds borderline dangerous, but that's not what you're asking). You two are completely incompatible and he's abusive to you. You deserve much, much better.

@Kerrik

Please do not have a child with this 'man' !

If you think he wants you to stay home and be in bed by 9pm now, WTAF do you think he will be like when you have a little baby and are on maternity leave ????

He literally wants you 'barefoot and pregnant' and totally under his control !

A baby will make his abuse worse, not better ! Because he'll be dictating that 'you can't go back to work because it's your responsibility to 'stay home and be a good mother!'

It's when he'll ramp up the abuse drastically, because you'd be dependent on him for money etc (and you can be damned sure he wouldn't ever watch his own child so that you could go 'out'.

It'd be much better if you split and found a kindred spirit, because this relationship is over !

As for 'disappointing' family and friends, do you really think that they'd be 'disappointed ' once you told them what went on behind closed doors ??

Oh op no. There is never an excuse for a partner to call you a cunt or a whore. That's just something psychopaths do.

Run for the hills! You've married a ted Bundy rip off.

Jesus op. All that long diatribe about socialising and him being a boring bit and right in there buried is he calls you a cunt, a whore, takes the blankets and abuses you.

He’s a controlling jealous uptight abusive loser. Leave him. Leave him immediately. No one should stay with any abuser who does that to them. The first time he called you a cunt or a whore you should have walked.

Do not have a child with this man. He will get even more controlling. You will have no life at all. Leave and don’t look back.

OP I would go as far as to say your husband doesn't like you.

He's a petty, abusive, controlling man who calls you names, is rude to your friends and family, judges you, takes bedclothes off you as a punishment, and films you in order to humiliate you.

No normal person in a loving relationship does that.

This situation is far more serious than opposites attracting but finding they are not comparable in some aspects. It's abuse.

And some men deliberately seek out women like you, happy, popular, confident, good circle of friends, outgoing, good social lives, just so they can slowly take it all away from them by chipping away at everything they do. He sounds like one of those men.

I wouldn't say this lightly but leave him. You talk about being single at forty or not being able to buy him out of the house.

But imagine how you might feel if you're still in this situation at fifty? Or sixty? I mean, it will still be possible to leave him and be happy in ten or twenty years but will you look back then and think "I should have gone at forty" and regret staying as long as you did?

Better to be happy alone than miserable with someone. He's not going to change and if you do feel you could be happier without him you're giving yourself more opportunities the earlier you leave.

Agee with bluntness, I was reading it thinking....ok he's a bit dull...bit of an asshole...yup...uhuh...-holy shit! Straight up abuser!

I'm just so shocked that your main complaint is that he is boring and not that he is a controlling, intimidating abusive wanker. 'Oh he's never cheated' hahaha oh well gold star to him then xD fs.

Stop trying for ivf omg. Get yourself the fuck away from him as fast as your legs can carry you.

Might be helpful for you to read 'Lundy bankrofts 9 types of abuser' (google it, its online to read openly) because he sounds like a combo of a few those.

being single at 40 sounds horrible!!!

Being single, at whatever age, in control of your own life and the peace of mind that comes with not living with a controlling abusive man sounds a far more attractive option than the life you're living now.

@Ihavehadenoughalready

I agree with *@MustbeGracie* that this is an extrovert/introvert clash.

Writ large.

DH is Def an introvert, I'm generally an extrovert. He's never ripped the bedsheets off the bed to punish me, filmed me drunk to shame me, called me a cunt or a whore. This is WAY beyond being about him being intorvert. He's an abusive dick

He's abusive. Don't have his baby for god's sake! Take the opportunity to get your eggs frozen and then leave him.

Death by a thousand boredoms plus abusive criticism - that's what it sounds like. Enjoy your life while you can. Your job is very social anyway - so you have to party. You could still meet someone else and have children - lots of people do that now in their 40s. I think as you are married you would be entitled to 1/2 the value of the house and 1/2 of any money, other assets etc - see a solicitor.

"Being single as 40 sounds horrible?"

Well, it's harder than being single at 30 for those people who don't really want to be single, but it will be much easier for OP than for her DH. OP is very sociable and busy and will be able to cope very well.

I think being single at 40 sounds epic. Especially with no kids. Think of the adventures you could have. I'm thinking sunshine and cabana boys myself. But you could do anything! Rent a campervan and travel the world sleeping under the stars. Charter a boat and go on a search for the lost city of Atlantis. Buy a bar on a beach in Bali and party forever...well, unless the dosh runs out.

Kids aren't an entitlement. Maybe that sucks. Or maybe it's just the worlds way of telling you to think bigger for yourself.

Anythings better than being stuck with a nasty partner forever. See a solicitor about divorce and getting what you are entitled to. Choose life, not misery.

Imagine how free you’ll feel in a life without him. Set yourself free!

Leave him. He is nasty and controlling. And being single is not a travesty. By the sounds of it you are very sociable so I doubt you'd be lonely as you seem to have a strong network. Do you want to potentially spend the next 50 years of your life like this?

Your basic incompatibility is one thing. His abuse of you is by far the more important factor here! Do not have children with this man, and make plans to leave. He sounds horrible.

The first time he calls you a c**t and a whore, should be the last time. Don't drop your standards for anyone. As soon as you are pregnant, he will also rub his hands with glee, force you to change by refusing to look after his own DC so you can never go out. I had this attitude, once you're a Mother, your place is at home. After 2 years of work and home and nothing else, I'd had enough - and that was without the name calling.

Being single at 40 is better than a life with this guy.

You can be a mum on your own, I know several women who have done it, so if that's what you really want go for it - but without this controlling, malajusted man.

Run! He has zero respect for you and it will get worse if you have kids. You deserve a whole lot more than this treatment. Any man that calls me a c*nt will get punched in the face. 💕

I think you know deep down that this isn't working, and despite your best attempts, you can't keep making it work. You can't be his live-in therapist/cheer leader, especially not when it's preventing you from being who you really are. It's up to him to make his own life interesting, fun, challenging and nourishing. It's not your job.

You sound very unhappy. Everything you need to be you - friends, family, dancing, light-heartedness, sociability - he seems to resent you for. The fact that he's calling you awful, unforgivable names, takes your bed clothes off as punishment and treats your sister badly are big red flags. He sounds abusive, controlling and manipulative. Does he know how hurtful this is to you? Have you confronted him with his behaviour, told him how this affects you? Do you think he's willing and able to change?

I agree with other posters on here, bringing a child into this relationship now would be extremely complicated. You'd be bound to him forever, you'd never be free of his disapproval.

Of course, none of us here are in your shoes and it's incredibly hard, frightening and de-stabilising to make massive life changes (especially when you feel now is the time to have kids.) But I think your gut instincts are trying to tell you something. You know something's off, so I think it's important to honour that. Take some time out to really think about what your life will be if you stay, and what it could look like if you leave. I wish you strength and courage for what lies ahead, and know that many, many people are out there to support you.

People can be different thats fine but calling you names and taking the covers off you is abusive-you cant stay with him just because you want children you'll be trapped

like going out? you'll never be able to do that again

Why are you having a child/IVF with this man? Why inflict this relationship on a child, as you will have this guy forever in your life, if you have a child and he is the father. Unfortunately, I have heard often that the man you get before marriage is different to the man you get afterwards. He sounds very controlling, personally I would get out of this relationship.

Being single will change your life.
This man is just plain nasty.

@Topseyt

I suspect you are just incompatible really, and it didn't show until after your marriage. So frustration and some abuse are now creeping in.

I must admit that I am very uncomfortable around drunk people. Getting so drunk you fell asleep on the stairs is unimpressive and very silly. I would have been angry with you too, though wouldn't have called you a cunt and a whore.

You probably do need to watch your drinking. It does sound rather too much.

You still just don't seem compatible anyway.

This incident was four years ago! She was asking for advice about her relationship, not for opinions about her alcohol intake; she gets enough disapproval about that from her husband!

I'm going to suggest you should be grateful you have a chance to reverse course on having a child with this man and can get out without any permanent ties.

Stop IVF with him.
Pack your things.
Run!

He's an abusive twat and he will never be anything but. He thinks he's better than you. He calls you names. He takes things from you. HE verbally abuses you. He judges you.

Imagine bringing a child into that atmosphere where he is always right and you are wrong to want anything different.

Save yourself. You will truly be better off on your own. Talk to your friends and get help getting out of there. I'm sure they'll have suggestions for you on where to go and what to do next.

His reactions to you having a drink are ridiculous. You are not a raging alcoholic. I bet he wishes there was a child about as he will be able to trap you at home even more as no GOOD mother would go out and drink. Yes, you can't buy the house but it can be sold and start again. If you two had a child and separated he would be a nightmare trying to control your life still via the child and likely bad mouth you to the child if you had a social life. Go now while you have no ties.