The woman’s daughter managed to somehow find me via Facebook and provided me with photo selfies of them both, messages and emails DH sent to her mum. He then ghosted her, the daughter got mad and sought me out to inform me.
Like you, never in a millions years would I believe he would cheat on me, we’ve been married 10 years. This was a 2 month affair, she said he had a key to her mums house, left his clothes there (which she also sent me a photo of they were definitely his, I’d bought them). He’s been telling me he’s doing “overtime”, “covering for someone else” etc etc but really he’s practically moved in with this woman, promised her the world. Told her we were divorced (we’re not even separated, happily married I thought). I keep thinking it’s a bad dream, when I read all your stories, I think that’s not me … but then I read the evidence and photo evidence and yes, that is me, it really happened.
I am in complete shock. I haven’t told him I know. “Overtime”, late nights and overnighters are common in his job so trusted him completely and thought nothing of it. He has been acting completely 100% normal at home, his personality hasn’t changed, not one bit. He still talks about future holidays, etc I think I must be going crazy. I can’t put the normal DH with the messages I’ve received.
I can’t tell whether this woman was the first, or the most recent in a long line.
I deal with absolutely everything for the home and the family (and I work). I feel like such a fool. He’s broken my heart. We had such a good little family set up, all ticking along nicely until this message turned everything upside down.
I don’t know what his reaction will be to me finding out. Will he beg for forgiveness? Will he admit our marriage is over?
My poor kids. I’m so very sad for the dreams of the future which will never come.
He didn’t accidentally meet someone at a bar or at work, he went and actively sought a new proper, full on relationship via a dating website (not a hook up site either).
Can this ever be forgiven? Has anyone’s marriage survived something on this scale with undeniable proof?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.
Relationships
My husband has had an affair with a woman he met on a dating website (Bumble)
Waterville · 02/06/2021 13:40
so sorry OP. What a shit. I thi k you need to consider whether you want to forgive this, not whether it can be done. I obv can't know for sure but the active seeking of an affair, not just an opportunistic one night stand, would suggest to me this will happen again. Therefore, I would be considering whether I could live with that, rather than just wondering whether I could accept whatever explanation he gives.
Wow. That sounds like a lot to deal with . And you’re 100% sure that it’s your husband?
It is up to you if you can truly forgive and let it go. Some say they have moved on, only for the lack of trust and thoughts and emotions to be bubbling under the surface and find that they cannot move on from this.
Ultimately only you know if you can truly put this behind you. The fact he’s not even come clean or even showing an ounce of remorse whilst there you are dealing with everything at home and you’re also working and he’s pretending everything is all fine and planning future holidays etc. Clearly, he’s capable of lying to your face and he doesn’t appear to have any guilt.
Instead he apparently ghosted this woman. Who gave him the keys to her house. Something feels a bit off here. I’d be wondering what else he has been hiding. Can you truly believe a word he says after he has been lying all this time? Can you have a relationship where you don’t believe your spouse or trust them fully? Do you think you’ll be able to feel secure enough every time he supposedly works overtime or comes home late that he’s not doing something else? I don’t think it’s healthy to live like that and it can play havoc with your mental health.
I’d be looking into separation and start divorce proceeding because I don’t think I can live with such a deceptive person.
If you’re willing to go down that road. You’d need to make sure all financial documents are ready. If he’s acting normal, then so can you. You can speak to a lawyer and seek legal advice and get the ball rolling.
@ExitChasedByABee
. And you’re 100% sure that it’s your husband? It is up to you if you can truly forgive and let it go. Some say they have moved on, only for the lack of trust and thoughts and emotions to be bubbling under the surface and find that they cannot move on from this.
Ultimately only you know if you can truly put this behind you. The fact he’s not even come clean or even showing an ounce of remorse whilst there you are dealing with everything at home and you’re also working and he’s pretending everything is all fine and planning future holidays etc. Clearly, he’s capable of lying to your face and he doesn’t appear to have any guilt.
Instead he apparently ghosted this woman. Who gave him the keys to her house. Something feels a bit off here. I’d be wondering what else he has been hiding. Can you truly believe a word he says after he has been lying all this time? Can you have a relationship where you don’t believe your spouse or trust them fully? Do you think you’ll be able to feel secure enough every time he supposedly works overtime or comes home late that he’s not doing something else? I don’t think it’s healthy to live like that and it can play havoc with your mental health.
I’d be looking into separation and start divorce proceeding because I don’t think I can live with such a deceptive person.
If you’re willing to go down that road. You’d need to make sure all financial documents are ready. If he’s acting normal, then so can you. You can speak to a lawyer and seek legal advice and get the ball rolling.
Thank you @ExitChasedByABee. I'm 100% certain its him. Screenshots of their selfies, screenshot of their whatsapp messages (his profile pic at the top), emails from his work email address, call logs, the works.
Apparently he posted the key back to the woman and blew her out for their last "date" last weekend. He wasn't home that night either and if he wasn't with this woman I know about I can only assume he was with someone else from the site :(
@DM1209
My children have the best life now, different to the one I had planned for them but a wonderful life which never would have happened had it not been for their father's affair.
I promise you, you will be ok.
For now, be kind to yourself. You're in for a roller coaster and there is no right answer, only what will work for you and your family.
Talk to someone in real life, if not DM me. There's a wealth of support on here.
Totally agree. I've also been there and my first thought was "how can we survive this?" I even posted a similar post to yours about relationships surviving affairs. I realise now that it was the shock talking and the desire to hold on to the life I had. In reality, the relationship was fucked and he decided to properly leave me for her (after a week of saying he'd do anything to keep me
)You will survive but your life will be very different to what you imagine but you will be OK and you will be happy again. What you're going through now is the worst bit. It's really horrible and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it.
Couple of words of advice - don't do anything in haste and expect him to lie. You know now that he is a liar so don't trust what he says. It's very likely that he'll try to minimise what's happened and it'll take a while (if ever) for the whole truth to come out. Put yourself and your kids first. Take advice from friends and family, on here and legal advice but take your time to consider it and work out what's best for you and your kids.
Agree with @DM1209. It will be hard but you can survive this. Almost exactly the same thing happened to me. ExH saught out and had affair with another married woman from a dating site for married people - I didn't even know such things existed at the time! Although mine kept it up for over year, all the way through my third pregnancy and then after our DC was born. Thankfully when I confronted him he admitted it (and that he'd had other affairs - I was so naive!).
We attempted relationship counselling and our marriage limped on for six months after, but he couldn't see that he'd done anything wrong - he felt he hadn't been getting what he needed from the marriage so it was ok to look elsewhere. I eventually told him I wanted a divorce and that's when he started the love-bombing etc. TLDR: that was 7 years ago. We divorced and I am in a MUCH better place now, my children are happy and he is still the loser he always was, but I can see it now.
It can be a long hard road to extricate yourself - you will need lots of support from friends and family - be honest with them and take all the help you're offered. He will want you to 'be reasonable' (ie don't make a fuss, let him get his way with everything) WRT splitting assets etc. You need to make sure you get a fair share, even if it is more difficult/takes longer.
Sending hugs 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.