My husband has had an affair with a woman he met on a dating website (Bumble)

[Waterville]

The woman’s daughter managed to somehow find me via Facebook and provided me with photo selfies of them both, messages and emails DH sent to her mum. He then ghosted her, the daughter got mad and sought me out to inform me.

Like you, never in a millions years would I believe he would cheat on me, we’ve been married 10 years. This was a 2 month affair, she said he had a key to her mums house, left his clothes there (which she also sent me a photo of they were definitely his, I’d bought them). He’s been telling me he’s doing “overtime”, “covering for someone else” etc etc but really he’s practically moved in with this woman, promised her the world. Told her we were divorced (we’re not even separated, happily married I thought). I keep thinking it’s a bad dream, when I read all your stories, I think that’s not me … but then I read the evidence and photo evidence and yes, that is me, it really happened.

I am in complete shock. I haven’t told him I know. “Overtime”, late nights and overnighters are common in his job so trusted him completely and thought nothing of it. He has been acting completely 100% normal at home, his personality hasn’t changed, not one bit. He still talks about future holidays, etc I think I must be going crazy. I can’t put the normal DH with the messages I’ve received.

I can’t tell whether this woman was the first, or the most recent in a long line.

I deal with absolutely everything for the home and the family (and I work). I feel like such a fool. He’s broken my heart. We had such a good little family set up, all ticking along nicely until this message turned everything upside down.

I don’t know what his reaction will be to me finding out. Will he beg for forgiveness? Will he admit our marriage is over?

My poor kids. I’m so very sad for the dreams of the future which will never come.

He didn’t accidentally meet someone at a bar or at work, he went and actively sought a new proper, full on relationship via a dating website (not a hook up site either).

Can this ever be forgiven? Has anyone’s marriage survived something on this scale with undeniable proof?

Seems like he fundamentally thinks he's superior to women.

You have been doing all the family and household stuff, in spite of working; he thinks that's your role, it suits him - you are the work horse, domestic servant.

You're also the sex provider but he feels you haven't been providing it enough so he's feels fully entitled to seek it elsewhere.

Other women are there to provide sex, even if he had to deceive them Tina very high degree to get it.

You're all service providers to him.

That's all he sees women as - servants, service providers, they exist to meet his needs and he owes them xero decency, loyalty, empathy, consideration .. nothing.

Sorry but his attitude was obvious from the set up in your household even before he was caught out cheating/living a double life.

*to a very high degree

And yes, it does sound like he has at least another woman on the go, given he dumped and cancelled on the woman who's DD contacted you, but was still out/away all night.

You have to wonder what he's been doing all along given his attitude.

Don’t feel guilty or allow him to get away with lack of sex for a reason to cheat. I thought/was made to think that our problems were all my fault when I somewhat lost interest in sex my ex.

As it turns out, I wasn’t ‘frigid’ after all. My body just seemed to get the message about him before my brain did.

Good luck OP

Also, I imagine the OLD and mini-relationships are something of a hobby of his. It’s really unlikely to be a one off. Or, if he thinks he’s got away with it, the last.

[quote Waterville]@Bluntness100. Agree the evidence is overwhelming, I don't need more. I spent half my adult life as an independent woman with my own property. Since being with DH have done absolutely everything to do with the home and family so have no fear of doing it alone. I earn decent money and have control over all the household bills and money.

The draw to turning a blind eye is not for the money, or lifestyle it would be to avoid confrontation and the stress and nightmare this is going to cause. I guess I'm a coward and part of me wants to suffer in silence for an easy life.

I'll never believe a word that comes out of his mouth ever again. I can't live like that.

I'm so conflicted. I know what the right thing to do is but being the one to pull the trigger is so very hard.[/quote]
You’re not the one pulling the trigger, he did that. He’s trash, so sorry this has happened.

My ex had an affair and that was the end, and I have no regrets (apart from meeting him in the first place obviously).

If I were in your shoes he would come home to find his bag packed and the locks changed. Divorced so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

I can't help wondering if this man has been radicalised by men's rights activists? He seems to be a practicing something that they refer to as amused mastery

Wow, so if you dont have sex it will happen again.

@C0nstance

Wow, so if you dont have sex it will happen again.

Yeah, and if she does have sex she'll probably catch something off him now. Nice.

I went through it and gave DH another chance. He did go on to do it again unfortunately.. that was the final straw. Better to be single than with someone who is sleeping around.

Waterville, this narcissist appears to have ice water running through his veins. No remorse. No empathy. A huge sense of entitlement.

Don’t fall for his manipulative blame-shifting. You were not responsible for his unethical choices. He could have brought his issues to the table and navigated them with you, but he wasn’t about to do that. His agenda was pursuing illicit thrills while keeping his family intact.

All of you, including the children and all the OWs, are his narcissistic supply, to be used to serve his wants and needs. You are well rid of this malignant man.

@MsDogLady

Waterville, this narcissist appears to have ice water running through his veins. No remorse. No empathy. A huge sense of entitlement.

Don’t fall for his manipulative blame-shifting. You were not responsible for his unethical choices. He could have brought his issues to the table and navigated them with you, but he wasn’t about to do that. His agenda was pursuing illicit thrills while keeping his family intact.

All of you, including the children and all the OWs, are his narcissistic supply, to be used to serve his wants and needs. You are well rid of this malignant man.

This is possibly the best post I’ve ever seen. All of this, x100000.

People can inadvertently fall in love or lust but your partner has made a conscious decision to cheat on you -that’s unforgivable.

Waterville I've been in your position. I think you know you've just opened Pandora's box. I suppose it will depend how much more you want to know.

I discovered similar from my DH of 20 years. My whole adult life had been a lie. My happy nuclear family was a complete and utter lie.

I looked and found more and more evidence, before I stopped. How much more did I need? He got chucked out.

After the shock came the blame, how was I so fucking stupid to not see what had been going on for 20 years. What an idiot was I?

Awful awful times, which I wouldn't have got through without some really close friends.

I will be honest with you, it took me at least 5 years to "get over it".

Just get through each hour, each day, each week. I'm so sorry OP.

@Waterville

Gutted for you.

You must be walking on hot coals while trying to bite your tongue.

Here is a man’s view. I’ve never cheated and abhor cheaters. My wife cheated on me and put me through Hell. I don’t think most women are cheaters any more than most men are, but I’ll be the first to admit the disparity between the two is astronomical.

I’ve many male friends at work, some happily married, some not, and quite a few from both camps are on dating sites for a bit ‘ extra ‘.

Going on what some of the guys have said, he’s got a taste for the forbidden fruit.

She’s got to clingy, she’s threatening to upset the apple cart and she’s been kicked to the kerb.

But he’s already got the next one lined up, if not into her already.

The likelihood is, he’s a serial player and adulterer who uses these poor women. This women are just honestly looking for friendship or a relationship and your cunt of a husband is using them for his jollies without a thought for them or a thought you.

You can tell him you know, threaten divorce, he won’t stop. This steaming pile of shit is the type of man to give all men a bad name.

I’ve many male friends at work, some happily married, some not, and quite a few from both camps are on dating sites for a bit ‘ extra
Fabio, how would these men feel if their wives did the same? Is this becoming the dominant culture amongst men, that they applaud each other for this behaviour?

I’ve many male friends at work, some happily married, some not, and quite a few from both camps are on dating sites for a bit ‘ extra ‘.

seriously 😱

@fabiofatshaft1 as having been on the receiving end, aside from the trauma of my family being broken up, it was the constant paranoia that my friends/work colleagues/neighbours might have seen him on these sites or even worse, been with him and they didn't tell me/I would never know. That is very difficult to come to terms with.

@BlueButtercups

I’ve many male friends at work, some happily married, some not, and quite a few from both camps are on dating sites for a bit ‘ extra ‘.

seriously 😱

I doubt any of the married men using these sites are HAPPILY married 🤯

I don't they're one the sites though. The amount of married men I've seen on OLD sites is shocking. And that's just the ones who openly admit it!

• I don't doubt they're on the sites

@CelestialGalaxy

I’ve been on the receiving end. I deeply loved my wife, my kids, my life, until some selfish bastard took a shine to her, turned her head and destroyed my family.

I know everything there is to know about self doubt, loss of self esteem, paranoia ( Is she having an affair or am I going mad ). Seeing the kids totally destabilised and heartbroken.
Etc, etc, etc.

To men who bed hop from one woman to another, it’s like a drug to them that destroys the people around them

I’m healed. I’ve forgiven my ex - wife and wish nothing but the best for her, in her life. I’ve forgiven myself because I’m sure I made mistakes along the way.

The kids have come through it and are well adjusted adults.

I can look at Waterville’s situation through the prism of experience.

@QioiioiioQ

How would these men feel if their wives cheated on them !? They’d crumble into a pile of shit. They are so full of themselves, they think they are God’s gift. Some of these guys’ wives I know, they are just the loveliest people, loving, loyal and just wonderful women.

@BlueButtercups

Yes, seriously.

I happen to believe that to break someone’s heart for a cheap thrill is a terrible thing for one human being to do to another.

But hey Ho, that’s just my opinion.

Yes, seriously.

I happen to believe that to break someone’s heart for a cheap thrill is a terrible thing for one human being to do to another.

But hey Ho, that’s just my opinion.

too true 🌸

thats an appaling reposnse from him op im so sorry

[quote Fabiofatshaft1]@CelestialGalaxy

I’ve been on the receiving end. I deeply loved my wife, my kids, my life, until some selfish bastard took a shine to her, turned her head and destroyed my family.

I know everything there is to know about self doubt, loss of self esteem, paranoia ( Is she having an affair or am I going mad ). Seeing the kids totally destabilised and heartbroken.
Etc, etc, etc.

To men who bed hop from one woman to another, it’s like a drug to them that destroys the people around them

I’m healed. I’ve forgiven my ex - wife and wish nothing but the best for her, in her life. I’ve forgiven myself because I’m sure I made mistakes along the way.

The kids have come through it and are well adjusted adults.

I can look at Waterville’s situation through the prism of experience.

@QioiioiioQ

How would these men feel if their wives cheated on them !? They’d crumble into a pile of shit. They are so full of themselves, they think they are God’s gift. Some of these guys’ wives I know, they are just the loveliest people, loving, loyal and just wonderful women.

@BlueButtercups

Yes, seriously.

I happen to believe that to break someone’s heart for a cheap thrill is a terrible thing for one human being to do to another.

But hey Ho, that’s just my opinion.[/quote]
All of this, especially the last bit. We’ve all had moments of madness I’m sure, contemplated, even for a second, doing something reckless. But as a grown up, in a committed relationship, you realise how absolutely destructive and stupid that would be, and you make a choice not to blow up everyone’s life for a ‘cheap thrill’. I’ve always valued loyalty almost more than any other attribute, in friends, family and my husband. It has to go both ways.

He’s a parasite Waterville, I promise you, you will thrive without him.