My husband has had an affair with a woman he met on a dating website (Bumble)

[Waterville]

The woman’s daughter managed to somehow find me via Facebook and provided me with photo selfies of them both, messages and emails DH sent to her mum. He then ghosted her, the daughter got mad and sought me out to inform me.

Like you, never in a millions years would I believe he would cheat on me, we’ve been married 10 years. This was a 2 month affair, she said he had a key to her mums house, left his clothes there (which she also sent me a photo of they were definitely his, I’d bought them). He’s been telling me he’s doing “overtime”, “covering for someone else” etc etc but really he’s practically moved in with this woman, promised her the world. Told her we were divorced (we’re not even separated, happily married I thought). I keep thinking it’s a bad dream, when I read all your stories, I think that’s not me … but then I read the evidence and photo evidence and yes, that is me, it really happened.

I am in complete shock. I haven’t told him I know. “Overtime”, late nights and overnighters are common in his job so trusted him completely and thought nothing of it. He has been acting completely 100% normal at home, his personality hasn’t changed, not one bit. He still talks about future holidays, etc I think I must be going crazy. I can’t put the normal DH with the messages I’ve received.

I can’t tell whether this woman was the first, or the most recent in a long line.

I deal with absolutely everything for the home and the family (and I work). I feel like such a fool. He’s broken my heart. We had such a good little family set up, all ticking along nicely until this message turned everything upside down.

I don’t know what his reaction will be to me finding out. Will he beg for forgiveness? Will he admit our marriage is over?

My poor kids. I’m so very sad for the dreams of the future which will never come.

He didn’t accidentally meet someone at a bar or at work, he went and actively sought a new proper, full on relationship via a dating website (not a hook up site either).

Can this ever be forgiven? Has anyone’s marriage survived something on this scale with undeniable proof?

OP Im so sorry to read this.

Please think about You first and foremost, what you want, and what you would like to happen now, knowing he is doing this.
Don't let him manipulate you and lie through his teeth, and bamboozle you before you can think about your feelings emotions and needs.

Be kind to yourself and take things at your own pace. 🌸

"The draw to turning a blind eye is not for the money, or lifestyle it would be to avoid confrontation and the stress and nightmare this is going to cause. I guess I'm a coward and part of me wants to suffer in silence for an easy life."

I do understand the above sentiment. However if you did decide to "turn a blind eye" you do know that he can and probably will continue to do this type of thing, if not with the woman you found out about, then with other women - he has shown real fore thought about this so you know it is intentional and calculated.

Even if you think you do not want the stress of confrontation, you have to accept the fact that, now you know what he is like, then in the future at any moment he could pull the rug from under YOUR feet and then you would be under that stress anyway.

I suppose you could do something equivalent and shore up your own future "just in case". Whether doing that would be less stressful than a straightforward confrontation with him now, only you know.

I was in a similar situation but as soon as I found out I just confronted, it is not really like me to be calculated. I won't lie, it was stressful and we divorced. But hearing your situation makes me think a plan to turn a blind eye just delays but does not remove the possiblity/likelihood of stressw for you in the future (in whatever form that comes).

Good luck x

I'm so conflicted. I know what the right thing to do is but being the one to pull the trigger is so very hard.
I think he's the one that has already pulled the trigger- your relationship will never be the same again, whether you stay together or not.
Tell him to leave and give you some space for a few weeks at least so you can consider what to do next.

Oh OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I agree with what others have said, he has been the one to pull the trigger here not you. Him deciding to cheat on you ruined things, not you finding out and confronting him when you do.

Have you spoken to a friend about this in real life? I think when you feel able to that would be a good thing to do, so you have someone to talk to, someone to offer you support etc. I would spend this time before you talk to your H thinking about what you want, looking for any financial documents/information you may need if you do split etc.

Remember you deserve so much better than this and the way he is treating you.

He has pulled the trigger, you don't have to. What a selfish arrogant prick he is

Apparently he posted the key back to the woman and blew her out for their last "date" last weekend. He wasn't home that night either and if he wasn't with this woman I know about I can only assume he was with someone else from the site

😲🧐

His arse wouldn't touch the fucking floor!

He's a pathological liar and serial cheat OP. You've said yourself you're financially independant and have managed fine on your own so I wouldn't entertain this bullshit for a moment longer.

As far as avoiding a confrontation goes there doesn't even need to be a massive drama, just forward the messages then have a bag packed for him on the doorstep when he arrives home!

Off you fuck man whore. 👋

All I will say OP is whilst it is possible to get past such things— you will never feel the same about them again— and yet no matter what their crappy behaviour involves they still want sex, still want you doing home stuff and it’s incredibly hard to not feel incredibly resentful— even if I’m theory you agree to work through it— 4 months later they expect everything to be back to normal and you to have breezily forgotten it— heads and hearts though don’t work like that- I’ve been there- I stayed- I wish I hadn’t

Despite the comments, you don't need to make a decision today, tomorrow or next week. Take your time and maybe ask for some space to clear your head. I can only imagine the shock and hurt, I'm sorry you're going through this and yes, he's an idiot! Have a think about what is best for YOU and take it from there.

Re: your future, lots of marriages survive affairs if its a one off and with work and counselling. Lots don't and the kids thrive. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you feel comfortable doing.

Good luck OP x

OP, the only thing I wanted to add is that you've no need to decide anything now or do anything now. You've just had a massive, life changing shock. You need to do what's right for you. Even if you decide you will stay/leave and tell him that, you can change your mind later and decide that isn't what you want to do.

Confront him now, confront him tomorrow, confront him in a years time or decide for now you'd prefer to bury your head in the sand and deal with it later, if ever. It's all up to you.

I think you'll find most people on here (me included I should say!) would say that this is such unacceptable behaviour that you should leave him. But you don't need to decide that tonight or even this month unless you feel ready. Be kind to yourself in allowing yourself time to breathe and grieve for the life you thought you were going to have. You absolutely will survive this.

He is obviously a consummate liar, so you will never be able to trust him. You won’t be able to have any proper kind of relationship with this man again. Just make sure you don’t let him turn the tables on you, and try to make you feel like the guilty party.

I would tell him a bit and see if he confesses before you reveal all the evidence

just fwiw, when I was on bumble/Happn, I saw a friend's husband on there. I told her about it, showed her his profile and she confronted him and he denied it was him and said someone had stolen his picture and used it as a catfish. She believed him. I am absolutely sure it was a load of bollocks as Happn alerts you when you cross paths with someone and he used to get the train at the same time etc.

so be prepared for him to spew a load of bollocks before he admits to it

the absolute bare faced cheek of it - to go on dating sites like that when you have a wife and kids is utterly despicable. I hope you kick him out.

you are not a fool by the way, he is an arsehole

You've all been incredibly kind with your words and I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to give me your thoughts. Whilst I'll be telling my friends what's going on over the next couple of days, none of them have been through something like this, so I've really appreciated hearing from you all. To know its happened to others, and you warrior women have come out the other side and are happy gives me hope.

I went through something similar. The only advice I would give is not to ask him what happened.
You already know that he can lie to you directly about where he's been while acting completely normal. There's zero chance he's going to be honest about it. I also recommend not telling him what or how you know. He's likely got a whole story prepared (or stories depending on what he thinks you know).
My ex swore to me with tears rolling down his face that it was just a once-off and just a kiss. I already had all the details of a hell of a lot more. He swore that he would never ever lie to me again while lying to my face.
If your H has been this brazen and is on a dating app, he's could have a second phone hidden somewhere. Might be worth seeing if you can find it.

I'm really sorry this is happening, OP.

@Waterville I’m so sorry for what has happened. My dad has form for this kind of behaviour. Last summer the woman he was doing it to (behind my stepmothers back as my mum is no longer alive) found me on FB and did the same, but even worse. Sent graphic messages and photos he’d sent and essentially blackmailed me and my Dad. Put me in an awful position where I had to tell my Dad to tell my stepmun.

They worked through it but I think that was more because my stepmum has a sweet deal with their life and turned a blind eye. But I know he’ll do it again and again, and has no doubt done it since. I strongly believe my dad is a narcissist and thrives off of the buzz of this and will never change. His photos on the dating site were of his face, he showed pictures to this woman of his children and gave such identifying information it’s like he thought he’d never be found out.

What I’m trying to say is you sound like a woman with her shit together. A bomb has gone off in your life but although it sounds frightening and overwhelming now, you should turn and run and never look back. Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for him to do it again? I hope you don’t think this is touch love but like I said- you sound like you’re better than this.

In reality, the relationship was fucked and he decided to properly leave me for her after a week of saying he'd do anything to keep me

This doesn't surprise me. Affairs are often an ego trip and if they are discovered the cheater has to face the truth about their failings. This is an attack to their ego so they would rather blow up the marriage and blame their spouse and marriage rather than accept responsibility. If they stay married they will need to make it up to their spouse whereas with OW they can start a fantasy life..of course after a few years, they get bored, ego needs a stroke, they seek an OW fix and the cycle starts again. It's why cheaters continue to cheat.

The core issue is with the cheater and having affairs doesn't heal them.

Would you actually want to come back from this?

I’m so sorry OP.

You need to get an STI test. He didn’t just have an affair, like you said he sought another woman out and was almost living with her. You don’t know where he spent the night after he posted her key, so you know there are more women

Don’t live this life. Please don’t do it to yourself, your children need a happy mum. What would you tell your children to do if this happened to them?

You WILL get over this, but you can’t stay. Madness lies that way.

I would be packing his stuff whilst he’s “working” and launching it out the door 🤬

Op yoire not the one pulling the trigger and I can’t understand why you think you are. The man is on dating sites. He’s having full blown relationships with other women. He pulled the trigger a long time ago. It’s just you’ve only now discovered the bullet wound.

From someone who has survived the same situation as you. And found out the same way - although it was a email from OW.

You will and can get through it. I did the pick me dance ( avoid it if you can!) and tried to work through it but it's impossible. So plan, get your ducks in a row and have a mantra to repeat over and over when it feels overwhelming. Mine was 'I am strong like an oak tree, I can survive the storm, and I will live again'

Big hugs, gin if you drink and sisterhood feelings to you.

I know I’ve told my story before, but my late husband had a 2 year affair which led to us splitting up but we did get back together. She was very much like this woman, sent me abusive messages and was plain nasty. She didn’t like it when we got back together and told everyone I had split them up

Anyway, it was tough but I did trust him again. I gave him an ultimatum which worked. For a long time I was angry and flew off the handle about it for no reason, but eventually that passed.

You need to tell him you know

The fact that there hasn't been any difference to his habits, plus he was out on the night he'd blown out this specific woman... says to me that he has had many affairs and this just happens to be the first one where someone blew the whistle on him.

I'm so, so sorry. I can imagine the journey in front of you now is going to be very, very hard. You don't have to do anything in haste - but do reach out to your friends for support, and perhaps think about securing some copies of all financial documentation you have access to.

I would set my own life up first before leaving. Why should you be at a disadvantage? I’d probably even put a profile up on bumble. When he stumbles across it what can he say.

I’d probably even put a profile up on bumble. When he stumbles across it what can he say.

He'd probably say that he's heard she was on there so set up a profile to check. Don't underestimate the sneakiness and ability to lie with a man like this. OP I know you want this to go away but it's not going to and it's going to eat away at you and ultimately destroy your life. At least by being proactive you can take control whatever direction you decide to take