My husband has had an affair with a woman he met on a dating website (Bumble)

[Waterville]

The woman’s daughter managed to somehow find me via Facebook and provided me with photo selfies of them both, messages and emails DH sent to her mum. He then ghosted her, the daughter got mad and sought me out to inform me.

Like you, never in a millions years would I believe he would cheat on me, we’ve been married 10 years. This was a 2 month affair, she said he had a key to her mums house, left his clothes there (which she also sent me a photo of they were definitely his, I’d bought them). He’s been telling me he’s doing “overtime”, “covering for someone else” etc etc but really he’s practically moved in with this woman, promised her the world. Told her we were divorced (we’re not even separated, happily married I thought). I keep thinking it’s a bad dream, when I read all your stories, I think that’s not me … but then I read the evidence and photo evidence and yes, that is me, it really happened.

I am in complete shock. I haven’t told him I know. “Overtime”, late nights and overnighters are common in his job so trusted him completely and thought nothing of it. He has been acting completely 100% normal at home, his personality hasn’t changed, not one bit. He still talks about future holidays, etc I think I must be going crazy. I can’t put the normal DH with the messages I’ve received.

I can’t tell whether this woman was the first, or the most recent in a long line.

I deal with absolutely everything for the home and the family (and I work). I feel like such a fool. He’s broken my heart. We had such a good little family set up, all ticking along nicely until this message turned everything upside down.

I don’t know what his reaction will be to me finding out. Will he beg for forgiveness? Will he admit our marriage is over?

My poor kids. I’m so very sad for the dreams of the future which will never come.

He didn’t accidentally meet someone at a bar or at work, he went and actively sought a new proper, full on relationship via a dating website (not a hook up site either).

Can this ever be forgiven? Has anyone’s marriage survived something on this scale with undeniable proof?

This is kicking out time then. Does he have a place he can go? Do you have anyone that can support you if he refuses to leave?

In a way this is good. It would be much harder for you if he was crying and begging forgiveness. He's showing you who he is - you just need to get there. It's hard I know, I've been there but I am now 10 years down the line and remarried and so much happier. We co-parent very successfully together and all is ok. As it will be for you - this is the worst bit but I promise you your life will be so much better rather than being married to this selfish loser. The fact you worked and did everything around the house is also testament to his selfishness. Hopefully you'll start seeing him for who and what he really is and it will be much easier to get rid of him.

So sorry OP. Just sounds awful. Can't believe he can't acknowledge the hurt he's caused and say he's sorry. What a wanker.

As for you checking up on him -WTF?

I agree with getting tested for an STD, my sister was given one by her lovely cheating BF many years ago

Did you really expect any other response from this dirty lying skanky cheating low life.

Course it's your fault, that's his mantra.. it couldn't possibly be his fault.

You have all the evidence you need, pack his stuff and leave it at the door Lady you deserve so much better. 🌸

I am shocked by his industrial level gaslighting!!!

Jesus, what an absolute scumbag. I'm just horrified for you. I can't imagine the shock. You deserve so much better than his disgusting behaviour

As said by other posters his sheer brass neck is making it easier for you, this man is constitutionally unable to back down he can only double down, keep on digging that hole, down down deeper and down

He pulled the trigger, not you.

What I would do though is catfish him. Join the site, you know what will attract him. Draw him in, hook line and sinker then arrange to meet him for dinner one night, arrive after him, drop print off's of your correspondence in front of him then tell him you know what he's been up to. He won't be able to deny it or put blame on you.

Obviously, make sure you are fully in control of everything on the home front before this but this way, you can take bittersweet pleasure in seeing his face when he realises he's fucked.

Sorry, I've just caught up with your last entry that you've confronted him and the bastard has basically said suck it up. Pack his stuff, build a bonfire and watch it burn. Concentrate on you and your children, you'll be so better off without his kind of poison in your life.

@PopsicleHustler

I've got an idea. Set up a fake account in bumble. Talk to him through it. And then meet him with all the evidence you were sent by Ow daughter. Give him his suitcase and throw a drink over him

Sounds like the shittest Eastenders episode ever. Didn’t you bother to read OPs replies?

Wouldn’t waste your breath on your community penis husband, OP, just get the divorce started and remove the dirty bloke from your life.

It seems by minimising it he thinks you will too.

The ball is in your court. You have all the info you need and have his response.

No one can tell you what to do but please know your worth. You are a strong and independent woman who has a responsibility to love herself and her children. Does a man like this fit into that picture.

I’m so sorry this has happened and I hope you keep posting for support x

I'd agree with the poster who said this is sociopath level behaviour.

I'd get a very good divorce lawyer and start taking advice.

He may say he doesn't want to leave but many a cheating man had cheated again and left for ow sooner or later.

Cheaters move so far from their internal moral compass to do what they do that his reaction is actually really common. It’s hideous, horrible, ugly but it’s cheater 101! They are rarely remorseful or even regretful straight away (I suspect the ones that are are faking it at first anyway). They have lied to themselves, they’ve victimised themselves, they’ve rationalised their behaviour for months and it’s ingrained.

You do not need to make any decisions.

Self care first, please look after you and that includes std tests (if needed). Do speak to a lawyer to establish your options when you feel strong enough. Do read around affair psychology, I found knowledge is power and it helped me navigate my way through the first few months. I joined a forum which supported betrayed spouses, and actually listened to those who had walked my path before.

Do try to internalise that none of this is your fault. This is on him, his selfishness and entitlement. Lack of sex is not an excuse to put the mother of your children’s mental, emotional and sexual health at risk. It is not a reason to steal your spouse’s personal agency.

Try to detach. I found that really difficult but it is about not feeling the beast atm.

I’m just so sorry you’re having to go through this.

Can I add and really shut his victim blaming down. Don’t allow that to even rise to the surface. He needs to really know that you won’t hear it! That this is on him.

I'm really sorry OP this must be awful, have you got a strong support network around you? DC, friends, family?

Just kick his ass to the kerb @Waterville

Why You Should Leave a Cheater

@MiddleClassMother

I'm really sorry OP this must be awful, have you got a strong support network around you? DC, friends, family?

Hi @MiddleClassMother, my good friends now know what's going on and are a marvelous support network.

You've all been amazing on here. Thank you so much.

The rat, was intendial

My heart goes out to you. I've been in a similar situation and it is like a death of the person you thought you knew and the life you had together. As much as i wanted to keep my family together I knew he would play nicely for a bit and then go back to it when he thought i wouldn't notice because he lied so easily. It was also the tip of the iceberg, bumble is just one site, chances are he is on others. You do what you've got to do for yourself, not him or the kids (they will get through it probably better than you will). Best wishes for your future x

Oh and if you can get counselling, friends and family are amazing but they might expect.you to 'move on' or 'get over it' before you are ready to and you will need that sounding board and to be heard.

Im so glad you have told people close to you 🌸

Utter scum OP.

This is who he is.

Be glad you know.

You could have given him another 10 years.

Secure your finances and get him out.

He really is the dregs.

You will be fine.

The daughter did you a favour.

Have to say, his attitude stinks, clearly thinks women as lesser than himself, there is no coming back from that to my mind, it's an ingrained belief.
If it was just sex, he could of gone on hookup sites. Actually, he's a player who enjoys the lies around it, as choses to get a buzz out of leaving genuine women looking for love devastated on the side, just to massage his ego.
I bet he lets you sort all household tasks out, because as the 'big I am' , all that menial stuff is beneath him. On the plus side, having done all you do to support the family, is good training to managing perfectly well on your own. You will be fine without him, he's lost more by being a predatory creep to probably many women, says a lot about his failings as a human, and is no reflection on you at all.

@Waterville

The daughter I think late teens was just lashing out and standing up for her mum. Venting at me about how badly my H had treated her mum. I don't know what she wanted from me, other than turning my world upside down. I don't hold any ill feeling towards the mother or daughter.

Gosh, he's done a number on her mum and she's trying anyway to get back at him.

I am so sorry, he really is the lowest of the low.

He's trying to regain control. He thinks that by minimising it and blaming you then he is still in control.

He has probably always expected it could come out. He will be prepared.

And the hardest part to accept is that he is telling you the truth. He genuinely believes that he is entitled to do this. He isn't sorry.