My husband has had an affair with a woman he met on a dating website (Bumble)

[Waterville]

The woman’s daughter managed to somehow find me via Facebook and provided me with photo selfies of them both, messages and emails DH sent to her mum. He then ghosted her, the daughter got mad and sought me out to inform me.

Like you, never in a millions years would I believe he would cheat on me, we’ve been married 10 years. This was a 2 month affair, she said he had a key to her mums house, left his clothes there (which she also sent me a photo of they were definitely his, I’d bought them). He’s been telling me he’s doing “overtime”, “covering for someone else” etc etc but really he’s practically moved in with this woman, promised her the world. Told her we were divorced (we’re not even separated, happily married I thought). I keep thinking it’s a bad dream, when I read all your stories, I think that’s not me … but then I read the evidence and photo evidence and yes, that is me, it really happened.

I am in complete shock. I haven’t told him I know. “Overtime”, late nights and overnighters are common in his job so trusted him completely and thought nothing of it. He has been acting completely 100% normal at home, his personality hasn’t changed, not one bit. He still talks about future holidays, etc I think I must be going crazy. I can’t put the normal DH with the messages I’ve received.

I can’t tell whether this woman was the first, or the most recent in a long line.

I deal with absolutely everything for the home and the family (and I work). I feel like such a fool. He’s broken my heart. We had such a good little family set up, all ticking along nicely until this message turned everything upside down.

I don’t know what his reaction will be to me finding out. Will he beg for forgiveness? Will he admit our marriage is over?

My poor kids. I’m so very sad for the dreams of the future which will never come.

He didn’t accidentally meet someone at a bar or at work, he went and actively sought a new proper, full on relationship via a dating website (not a hook up site either).

Can this ever be forgiven? Has anyone’s marriage survived something on this scale with undeniable proof?

Can the daughter find out whether he'd seen other women from that site? He's an absolute pig, isn't he. Keep your powder dry though - only tell him what you want him to know.

I'd be hard pushed not to play some games with the cheating fuck.

"Met a lovely woman when I was shopping/swimming/at work today. Sandra Affairpartner, arranged to go out for coffee tomorrow" watch him squirm.

Please remember NONE of this is your fault. You're not pulling the trigger, he did by having an affair

I'd use this time, whilst you think, to also get your ducks in a row. Speak to a solicitor and find out your position. Talk to friends and think about what YOU want to come out of this. They will help you plan your next move and give you the support you need

I'm so sorry to read this! I hope your OK 💐 X

Urghhhh what a disgusting thing to do OP, meanwhile you are the scullery maid plus you work full time, I doubt he wants to break up when he can have his cake and eat it but I personally would not be able to touch him ever again.
He is a lying scum bag. Lied to both of you.

Oh @Waterville what a rotter.
What age are your dc ?
Fore warned is fore armed.
Take your time to process it all.

@LadyEloise

Oh *@Waterville* what a rotter. What age are your dc ? Fore warned is fore armed. Take your time to process it all.

They're 10 and 8, I don't know how he could do this to them as well.

Why would her daughter want to get involved and do this to you?

Why would her daughter want to get involved and do this to you?

I'm assuming an older adult/later teen daughter who was aware of the 'relationship' and the outcome. Probably more tech and social media savvy so helped her mum!

Also the daughter didn't 'do this to her' the OP's husband did!

The daughter I think late teens was just lashing out and standing up for her mum. Venting at me about how badly my H had treated her mum. I don't know what she wanted from me, other than turning my world upside down. I don't hold any ill feeling towards the mother or daughter.

The only thing I can think of to say (other than I'm sorry and what a shit head) is there is no going back .....don't even entertain it. There's no working it out. You'll never be able to trust him x

Oh wait I have...atm you think that your world has ended and this is possibly the worst thing that can ever happen. Believe me it's not. You can & will get through it.

Before you make any decisions about what you want to do, at least get advice from a solicitor to see where you stand.

Copies of any financial documents etc etc.

Get ahead before you let him know you know so to speak.

Then if you do decide to split, you have what you need.

Most offer a free consultation or you can google some on your area to see which ones.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are ok. You will get through it, you will get over it.

As a pp has said,the fact that his behaviour hasn't changed one bit is very telling and quite chilling at the same time.

He has been the same scum sucking cheater and liar probably for the entirety of your relationship.

I've read other women's experiences of a cheating husband/partner, but there is normally behaviour changes/red flags which had seemingly set off their woman's intuition. But from your op, you haven't had a clue. He is not just a great liar it is quite simply WHO HE IS.

That is a whole other level of fucked up.

So sorry OP. It is great that you are pretty independent already, with a good career etc so hopefully that will help a lot with moving on from this lying bastard. It seems very unlikely this is the first time he's done this. He must have some serious issues to want to lie and manipulate both his wife and a single woman who I'd looking for a relationship, he has treated both of you appallingly. It shows a very despicable and manipulative character about him.

I hope you are as OK as you can be with this horrible news

He's a prize cunt. And this is gut wrenching to go through. I know. I've been there.

Get copies of bank statements and financial information and keep copies somewhere safe. Protect your money. Put passports somewhere safe.

Then get the best legal advice you can.
You've been on the back foot but now is the time to let the adrenaline carry you through this.

I am so sorry. It is utterly shit but you'll be ok. You're the decent one and you don't deserve this. I admire anyone who can work through it. I tried and it was awful. Without trust, it's impossible to rebuild to anything near a satisfactory relationship.

She did you a favour. What a shit he is.

You've all been so kind with taking the time to message I thought I'd let you know what happened when I told him I knew!

I emailed him, I like the opportunity to lay all my words out clear and concise rather than him flustering me. I told him I knew and who had told me. Knew it was an affair he actively sought out by being on a dating website, that he practically moved in with this woman, and that he's been lying to me. Etc, etc.

His response has left me even more devastated. He claims to love me and our life, that he wasn't looking for a new relationship at all. He is very happy with his life. Its because I stopped wanting to have sex and he certainly hasn't. When he does overtime I can ring his work to find out where he his and then finally questioning my comment about us needing to calmly discuss next steps.

Soooo, he's blamed me for the lack of sex (I was expecting him to do that - he's not wrong to be fair) and told me its my job to check up on him when he says his working! Notably missing was any form of admission, acknowledgement of what he's done or most devastatingly, not one single sorry. Or any word that comes close to being near an apology.

Waterville you arent the one pulling the trigger on this relationship. He is. thats what HE has done. He decided to do this and not you.

oh god, I'm so so sorry.

This is, I think, further proof of what he is - just a fucking selfish entitled cunt. He just absolutely believes that if you don't dispense sex to his requirements that he is fully entitled to find it elsewhere and lie about it. No feeling for you as a human at all.

How are you doing now? What do you think your next steps are?

I'm so sorry - he's just made everything so much worse. It's almost inhuman. Please don't stand for being treated like this, you deserve so much better.

Practicalities aside, I would end the relationship right this moment, and start the relevant processes to move forward.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

oh god, I'm so so sorry.

This is, I think, further proof of what he is - just a fucking selfish entitled cunt. He just absolutely believes that if you don't dispense sex to his requirements that he is fully entitled to find it elsewhere and lie about it. No feeling for you as a human at all.

How are you doing now? What do you think your next steps are?

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity, I'm back in shock after his lack of a simple sorry!!! It takes a big person to admit when they're wrong and seek forgiveness - he can't even do that so I don't want to be with him anymore.

It almost wouldn't give me much reassurance that it wouldn't happen again......

He doesn't seem to think he's in the wrong and he's justified his actions so why wouldn't he keep doing it??

I also think other PPs were right yesterday in that he'll have been doing this for years with different women