My husband has had an affair with a woman he met on a dating website (Bumble)

[Waterville]

The woman’s daughter managed to somehow find me via Facebook and provided me with photo selfies of them both, messages and emails DH sent to her mum. He then ghosted her, the daughter got mad and sought me out to inform me.

Like you, never in a millions years would I believe he would cheat on me, we’ve been married 10 years. This was a 2 month affair, she said he had a key to her mums house, left his clothes there (which she also sent me a photo of they were definitely his, I’d bought them). He’s been telling me he’s doing “overtime”, “covering for someone else” etc etc but really he’s practically moved in with this woman, promised her the world. Told her we were divorced (we’re not even separated, happily married I thought). I keep thinking it’s a bad dream, when I read all your stories, I think that’s not me … but then I read the evidence and photo evidence and yes, that is me, it really happened.

I am in complete shock. I haven’t told him I know. “Overtime”, late nights and overnighters are common in his job so trusted him completely and thought nothing of it. He has been acting completely 100% normal at home, his personality hasn’t changed, not one bit. He still talks about future holidays, etc I think I must be going crazy. I can’t put the normal DH with the messages I’ve received.

I can’t tell whether this woman was the first, or the most recent in a long line.

I deal with absolutely everything for the home and the family (and I work). I feel like such a fool. He’s broken my heart. We had such a good little family set up, all ticking along nicely until this message turned everything upside down.

I don’t know what his reaction will be to me finding out. Will he beg for forgiveness? Will he admit our marriage is over?

My poor kids. I’m so very sad for the dreams of the future which will never come.

He didn’t accidentally meet someone at a bar or at work, he went and actively sought a new proper, full on relationship via a dating website (not a hook up site either).

Can this ever be forgiven? Has anyone’s marriage survived something on this scale with undeniable proof?

God this is awful. How did he explain not getting paid for the ‘overtime’ he often did.

It’s very calculated behaviour isn’t it. It’s not a chance drunken encounter, which would be bad enough. I couldn’t forgive this.

Take your time to collate all your evidence, seek legal advice, get your ducks in a row before you show your hand.

If you decide to split, you’ll get through this. You’re a strong woman. 💐

I've got an idea. Set up a fake account in bumble. Talk to him through it. And then meet him with all the evidence you were sent by Ow daughter. Give him his suitcase and throw a drink over him

What a deceitful nasty man. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

You really need to leave this sad excuse of a man. Can you really see yourself staying with him and never knowing if he is telling the truth ? How utterly soul destroying.

You will be okay.

When is he due home?

None of this is your fault or responsibility, he is vile.

See now I’d take his response as the trigger I sorely needed. The trigger to turn my sadness and fear into anger and action. I’d be saying something like:

‘Right, I see your side of things. I still feel confused though, so I’ve sent it to your mum, my mum, xx friend and xx friend. Hopefully they can help me understand what you’ve done more clearly.’

Funny how gaslight gets a bit thin when you use it to light up a scene properly, for everyone. But maybe you’re not in that headspace yet, and that’s ok.

Wow he’s a piece of work. There’s another thread on here where the dh blamed his wife for the affair because of lack of sex. He’s continued to blame her and is just the nastiest self centred person. Yours sounds the same. All marriages go through dry spells and that is NEVER an excuse to have affairs.
He will always justify his behaviour and probably has had past and will have future affairs because all he thinks about are his needs. No guilt for you or his dc, the commitment he made, the family he’s set to destroy. As long as he gets sex.
Get rid of him op, he’ll never change

I’m so sorry OP, what a shit he is. You deserve better

Well he’s doing you a huge favour, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now- making it impossible to go back and easy to walk away. Get your financial documents safe and take legal advice as soon as you can. This was in no way down to you, the blame is 100% his, whatever he says. If he thought the marriage was struggling and the lack of sex was an issue he should’ve discussed and/or left before going off sleeping with others. If he ever tries to pin the blame on you again have a mantra ready - “this was 100% down to your actions and choices, not mine.” And while you might feel gutted for your children because their home is breaking up remember that in the long run you’re teaching them that they should be valued and treasured in a relationship, and not be cheated on and lied to. They will come through this ok. You will too. But tell friends/family. Get support around you.

Wow what a nasty little piece of work he is. I hope you can extricate yourself and start a happy new life.

OP no one can tell you what to do or how to feel.

I would strongly recommend that you take some time for yourself. Before you do anything else.

I might ask the woman/daughter not to inform him that you've been told. Just so you can get your head together before the whole thing blows up.

There's some excellent advice on what to do prior to divorce proceedings in here. The old "getting your ducks in a row". It's wise to do this, even if you decide, ultimately, to try to work through things.

My instinctive reaction is that there isn't much chance of salvaging this relationship. As you noted yourself, this wasn't an accident. This wasn't some great lust or love that he stumbled upon and couldn't resist. This was him actively going out of his way and deceiving everyone involved. It's going to be incredibly hard to get past that. Coupled with the fact that there's been no tell-tale signs in his behaviour. How will you ever trust this man?

That being said, it's entirely up to you how you conduct yourself going forward and what you want from your relationship and for your life.

Be kind to yourself. It's very easy to turn on yourself at this time and find blame in your behaviour. But none of this is your doing.

Sorry OP, I hadn't read the full thread.

What a shit. At least he hasn't tried to deny it and insult you further. But to blame you? Take him for every penny you can get.

I'm sorry he has destroyed your family unit. Do you have support, I'm another who believes he wouldn't however your situation proves we never know until it happens.

He's a prize twat, if it was 'just' sex he wouldn't have had a relationship. You are worth so much more.

OP I had counselling over something very similar.

Right now your in shock and you will cling to any sense of 'normality' as your world have been turned upside down. I couldn't understand why I was dealing with it so well until my councillor said - its because your in complete denial that your marriage has ended.

And I was.

In my case it was the woman herself that rang me very late at night, same as you, been promised the world, we were divorced, he'd met her kids act.. he ghosted her when she wanted to go 'facebook official'

He totally minimised it.

Let it sink in he has cheated. You need to leave him as he can't ever be trusted.

I’m so sorry OP, he’s a monster. You deserve so much more

OP, he’s a truly vile, deceptive cunt.

I can’t help but agree with the PP who suggested sending his response to his relatives and friends - shine a big, fat bloody spotlight on his horrendous behaviour.

told me its my job to check up on him when he says his working

My ex did this all the time, I didn't think anyone else would be as ridiculous to do the same thing.

It's your job to make sure he doesn't cheat again? WTF

So, he wanted sex. He went and got sex. what’s your problem with it? Wow, what a shit! He’s totally minimised it, no responsibility. I bet he’ll want to sweep the whole thing under the carpet too.

I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. You may not be in the headspace for this yet, but don’t protect him. Tell your family, tell his family. Make sure you have support and people around you. Don’t let anyone minimise it.

Also google the cheaters script and don’t fall into the trap of hysterical bonding.

What an utter dick he is. I hope he realise what he’s lost.

So, you're the maid and nanny and he's now getting sex elsewhere. And it's your job to be checking up on him if you don't want him elsewhere.. Of course he's not apologising or volunteering to leave. He's an arsehole!

Tell him to get to fuck.

This is not any better a scenario for his wife/partner but if he just wanted sex outside his relationship, he could've used a prostitute/escort or met someone on a hookup/illicit encounters/married "dating"site.

Instead he had purposefully cruelly decieved at least one woman visa normal dating site, saying he's divorced, spending significant time in her home, no doubt future taking her before dumping .... No wonder her daughter is outraged and extremely angry on her behalf, no wonder her daughter is shopping him to his wife.

He's just all round immoral : despicable.

And extremely extremely entitled.

Bit then you knew he was extremely entitled and selfish from.him letting you/making you dk absolutely everything for your home and family. That status quo was your big fat warning.

Immoral? I think he sounds amoral, sociopathic!

I'm so sorry OP.

I hate to say it but I'm not sure I believe the sex thing as things got too serious with the OW.

I think he's fishing and finding out what's out there and if it's better than what he's got already, and after a while he was probably planning on evaluating the situation, much like a work appraisal, and deciding if a new or existing candidate was the best one to go with.

I'm not usually one to jump to LTB but in this case I think it's probably warranted.

The amount of deception is almost sociopathic.

It wasn't a drunken shag or even seeking a sex worker.

He sought out and pretended to want a relationship with that woman with a teenager and she trusted him enough to give him the house key.
Then acted completely normal with you. Cruel sociopathic deception.

The nerve to blame you and expect you to check up on him.

He can get to fuck!

You need to get an STD check unfortunately.

So he is happy with his life is he ? you are the maid, & he has a harem on the side.. There's no coming back from that.
No remorse, no apology, no shame...no marriage Buster

Heartbreaking for you. Please think twice before forgiving and forgetting.

My friend decided to stay and it sent her crazy. She nit picks her DH and always seemed miserable. A shadow of what she was. It spilled over into her life, not just her marriage and she fell out with me because I went out with some work colleagues. She saw this as a betrayal of her and our friendship. It was so sad and it's a shame because she is a good looking, funny lady, who could have easily moved on and got someone she deserved instead of her cheating DH.