Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

@NavigationCentral

Particularly unbelievable that a woman with a high flying career, living in a 5 bedroom house, has such intentions.

You have no idea, this was me once upon a time.

Spend the money on your own therapy. There is no legally binding contract here and I would guess your ‘promise’ was under some form of coercion.

You owe her nothing. Block and walk away and refuse to engage in any discussion. Or send a nominal amount like £1 with paid in full written on a note so the gesture and promise has been adhered to.

Happily it’s true that a verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Even if you had signed a contract back in your 20s to pay this back it wouldn’t be legally binding because children cannot be obliged to pay for their parent’s disappointment and also you were manipulated aha coerced into this agreement.

Stop saying you need to make this payment because you ‘promised’. You aren’t in the playground being honour bound to a punky swear. A bully manipulated you into this promise. It’s completely without merit.

@NavigationCentral not really helpful. You have no idea the type of abuse I have been through. My mother did all sorts of damage when my first child came along because I "owed" it to her as my mother, which is why I'm trying to find a way to avoid it with my second child, and this is the only remaining thing that I can see her trying to use. My mother is someone who 20 years after leaving primary school would bring up the fact that she helped me with my colouring in so I had to do whatever it is she wanted me to at the time. She is currently arguing for payback with her sister over a large gift she made to her over 35 years ago. She is more than capable of bringing up a promise that I made 15 years ago.

Get her one of those live love laugh signs or something similarly dreadful and explain it is in lieu of payment.

But seriously, don't pay a penny. Don't let it feel like you owe here anything -easier said than done I'm sure.
Block her on all fronts. I'm sure she will pull out all the stops with hysterical and aggressive tactics.
I am so glad for you that you have a nice family and in laws. Let them know so they can help protect you and your kids.

I'm happy to hear you have a lovely family of your own and supportive inlaws.
Also glad you'll see about getting counseling. This mum and grandma wishes you all the best.

Tbh she sounds bat shit crazy. I'd be paying her zilch.

The 'contract' was under duress and therefore null and void.

And she can only worm her way back in if you let her.

deffo block here - paying her 1p is too much?

She may be capable of bringing it up, but you know logically it's bollocks of the highest order, don't you?

A rational response would be to laugh in her face.

She has no power over you. None. She's just a vicious, fucked-up person.

The thing about investments is that they're all a gamble. In the real world, you don't always get the payout you want or expected.

My DH father sounds very similar. Always wants to be cherished and desired, total narc. Before we were NC, he'd always estimate the amount of money he paid in maintenence, holidays plus inflation. He'd add in the cost of job roles he "could've" applied for and got had it not been for DH, plus talk about the house he could've owned now if he'd got those jobs, but "couldn't" due to DH. Always said we'd pay him off to shut him up and then shut him out if we could. So I understand the desire to settle the balance as such. We went no contact without giving him a penny, life has been a lot better since.

Don't know where you're going to start in calculating a figure - but she won't be happy with it anyway and will always consider it less than she deserves.

It's much harder to confront and be bold with family members as you have all these emotional ties and hang-ups, but you should try not to let her control you.

You don't owe her anything no matter what you promised as it was likely done under coercion and besides promises like you've hinted at sound so messed up.

Paying her won't make you feel better or her act more reasonable. You're your own person. Not some plaything of hers.

No child asks to be born it's the decision of the parents so the children don't owe the parent anything.

Like others say spend that money on yourself for therapy or on the family you have that loves you unconditionally.

Oh my god she sounds grotesque. Please don’t give her a penny. If you really feel you have to, then maybe a donation in her name to an abuse or mental health charity, and tell her thats what you've done.That way...

• You’ve paid your ‘debt’ (although in reality you don’t owe her anything)
• Your conscience is clear
• You’ve showed that bullies don’t get their own way
• People who need help will benefit
• You’ve had the last word

And that has to be it. I see people here going NC for all sorts of reasons but none more deserved than this. You’ve got your own lovely family now and you need to protect it from this. If your dad doesn't see it, then cut him off too, and if she abuses you further could you look at an injunction?

Im terribly terribly sorry you’ve had to deal with this, and just to add - no one has hair as wonderful as Kate Middleton! Perhaps its only for princesses.

spend the money on therapy - start by reading toxic parents by Susan Forward
Every abusive parent I know of is narcissistic. This book completely failed to take NPD into account and will leave many victims thinking that their abusive parent "didn't realize how hurtful their words were" and other nonsense. Narcissists KNOW the "damage they are causing" and that is precisely why they say and do horrible things. It is how they get their narcissistic supply. They intentionally cause pain, fear, hurt and confusion in order to feed off of us. They wear masks to make them look nice while they plot to manipulate, control and even make you think you are crazy (the term is "gaslighting"). Convincing children of narcissists that their parent(s) didn't mean to hurt them and that they can just confront them and everything will be okay with a few simple boundaries is asinine. Only more harm will come from this naive perspective. Learn about narcissistic abuse, cluster B personality disorders and CPTSD for some real help.

This is a review i have read about the above book in my opinion it would not be that helpful however i would recommend cutting all contact with her. My mother was narcissistic and i finally went no contact when she became ill with dementia don't leave it too long and dont give her any money.

From the time I started work at 16 until when I left home at 21 my parents treated me like a cash register. Press a button, the drawer pops open, and out comes money! I left as soon as was able to financially support myself with no regrets or thoughts as to how they would manage without my money.

Parents who expect their children to arise and call them blessed are CF!

Children do not ask to be born. At the time they were conceived and their parents were fu**ing they were probably thinking of their own pleasure and not that they longed for a child.

You do not owe your parents because they just happened to f**k you into existence.

Don’t be so idiotic as to even consider doing this!! I know MN is full of nonsense,which is what makes it so entertaining,but this is one of the stupidest threads ever!!

@moneyowed

I was early 20s when I made the promise. I wish I never had. I know it is totally wrong and twisted, particularly now I have my own children. It's a joy to "invest" in them and I don't expect anything in return (well, maybe except for toddler kisses ).

I have a wonderful immediate family, and the best in-laws I could have asked for, who love me to pieces and I them. I'm grateful to have an example of what a good family looks like so that I hopefully don't screw up with my own family.

But this money issue is weighing on my mind because I have promised and because I want to make sure there is no way for my mother to try to worm back in. But I take your point and won't engage on it. She would probably be horrified and gaslight me anyway because she is such a wonderful mother that she would never have said something like that, and I must have misunderstood.

I will be going to therapy, it will take many years to unpick what she's done to me but I owe it to myself, and my children and DH deserve a happy and stable mother and wife.

Maybe reframe this in your mind.

You did not promise her anything because she emotionally blackmailed you into this ludicrous idea of paying her back. Not the same thing at all, even if she manipulated you into using the word promise.

It sounds much more like a ridiculous attempt at extortion by your mother. Cut her off. She has no claim on you and if she does try to pursue one she will be laughed out of court. In fact, it probably wouldn't even get near a court as it is such a ridiculous notion.

The 'promise' you felt obliged to make was all part of the abuse.

There is no obligation to repay an abuser for anything.

If she doesn't like it - tough!

You have done so well in life, most mums would be sooo proud of you. Heck, I'm a mum and I'm proud of you.

You owe her nothing, nothing at all.

Paying her won't free you from the emotional damage and abuse. Therapy will help but will take time.

All of us on here are in agreement that there is no such thing as paying you parents back for raising you. It doesn't exist. Accept that and pay her nothing. There is no debt.

If you really feel it would help you to move on then I agree with pp, I think £1 would be generous considering the suffering she has caused you.

Sending love and I hope you are able to go NC and move on with your life and lovely children.

Nothing you pay her back will break the guilt. It’ll never be enough. It’ll simply give her a whole new angle of attack - that you thought she was worth that little, that your views are wrong.

As someone who had abusive parents I’ll say this - have counselling and then decide what she’s worth.

That way you don’t feel like you are abandoning your promise - you’re just working through the process.

Then at the end when you realise that you owe her precisely 0p you can invest, guilt free, in you and your children instead.

I don't think you should pay her a penny. It will never be enough. But if you insist on paying her back something, I would say maybe 6 to 12 months worth of pshychiatric treatment for her with a note saying " I am herewith paying you back mum , and I know that 6- 12 months treatment is not near enough to cure you, but I need to pay for my own therapy for the psychological and emotional damage that you have caused me. Here's your lot dear."

I’m so sorry to read this OP and really truly hope you find peace without her going forward.

You are not her and never will be. Agreeing and making a promise to something in an abusive situation doesn’t mean you are bound to it, or that the universe (or whatever) will hold you to it. People promise things all the time in these situations to protect themselves, as you did - in no way is not honouring the promise a reflection on your character. I agree with others that spending the money on some excellent therapy, immersing yourself in your wonderful family and breaking all contact is the right thing to do. She sounds absolutely awful and I’m sorry you have suffered.

I grew up with an abusive mother OP. I did absolutely everything in my power to try and do the right thing in her eyes - cut myself off from friends, pursued what she thought was the best thing, did only what she approved of.

As soon as I'd done it, she didn't approve of it anymore. I could never ever win.

It took a very long time but eventually it is true that only you can free yourself - nothing you do will be right or good enough in the eyes of the abusive parent.

The only thing you can do is tell her to get lost and not pay her anything (!) and at least that will be a symbol of you moving on and not trying to please her anymore.

You did what you needed to do to survive your mother's onslaughts, @moneyowed. You don't owe a thing. You never have.

As many other posters have said, rather invest in therapy - the returns can be innumerable, not least the potential for a down-to-the-bones knowing that you are not indebted to your parents.

You poor soul. You owe her nothing. Charge her for bringing you into a world that's crap without consent.
Cut contact, get counseling and move on and enjoy your life

This is really sad reading....,

OP, you do know that no amount of money will ever be enough for your narc mother, right?
So you may as well give her £1.50 and be done with it.
A narc will never be happy unless your miserable....