Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

It was her choice to bring you into the world, not yours.

The fact she chose to view you as an investment doesn't mean she gets a return on that 'investment'.

Tell her she made bad investment choices and gets fuck all return.

What a bitch.

I hope you can learn to value yourself more than she did. Don't pay her a penny, cut her off without any guilt whatsoever. She deserves nothing from you after what she has put you though.

All the best in moving on in your life!

Let go of the guilt. You have done nothing wrong. The promise is worthless, it means nothing, it's just a piece of paper having no moral, legal or financial obligation.

Invest instead in some therapy for yourself. Give yourself permission to let this go now. There's nothing she can do about it. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You were an innocent child that was manipulated over many years into this situation.

Find a way to allow yourself to grieve and start to heal. Honestly, it's really, really ok to just decide to not pay her a penny and be happy with that choice.

What value do you place on her parenting? I think that should be what you pay her.

Just go NC.

You don't owe her anything.

You owe that cruel woman nothing!

And yes, definitely get therapy to heal the damage she's caused you.

She's living rent free in your head. She was wrong, very wrong.

Try to think of her as the disturbed person she is. Like a person on the street with an untreated illness talking to the sky and offering to sell the footpath to people. You wouldn't believe the things they say and for the same reason, you shouldn't believe or take seriously the things your mother said to you. There's no contract. You don't owe her anything.

I was early 20s when I made the promise. I wish I never had. I know it is totally wrong and twisted, particularly now I have my own children. It's a joy to "invest" in them and I don't expect anything in return (well, maybe except for toddler kisses ).

I have a wonderful immediate family, and the best in-laws I could have asked for, who love me to pieces and I them. I'm grateful to have an example of what a good family looks like so that I hopefully don't screw up with my own family.

But this money issue is weighing on my mind because I have promised and because I want to make sure there is no way for my mother to try to worm back in. But I take your point and won't engage on it. She would probably be horrified and gaslight me anyway because she is such a wonderful mother that she would never have said something like that, and I must have misunderstood.

I will be going to therapy, it will take many years to unpick what she's done to me but I owe it to myself, and my children and DH deserve a happy and stable mother and wife.

You dont need to pay her. She is barking mad and a bad parent. Save your money and use it to pay your therapist, to help you come to terms with the abuse inflicted on you as a child and which is still being inflicted on you.

Do you have children? Will you be demanding payback from them when they are grown? Why not?

Your mother's issues are nothing to do with you. She will find issue with you no matter what, because that's how she chooses to be.

You do not have to put up with that crap. You do not have to try to make amends for her dysfunctional emotions. You do not have to have her accept your feelings as valid for them to be valid. Your feelings are valid already. You do not have to have her accept she's not someone you want around your children for you to say she does not get to see your children.

You sound like you're doing amazingly well in life and she's taking her disappointment in her own life out on you because you allow it.

As so many others have said, invest in therapy or whatever you need so you can deal with this issue and enjoy your life.

@dapsnotplimsolls

Write her a note, something along these lines:

'Having consulted with a financial advisor, I have decided on an appropriate sum as compensation for you raising me. I am hereby absolved of any future responsibility for you.'

Sellotape a 1p coin to the note.

Perfect.

I'm sorry you have such an awful Mum OP.

Hi OP,
Having read your update it is clear to me that it is impossible for you to “succeed” in your mother’s eyes. Nothing you did was ever going to be enough. Nothing you will do in the future will ever be enough. It is painful and difficult for you but when you accept that you will never get your mother’s approval then you can truly stop trying to seek it. It’s not that you failed OP - your mother set you up with a trick, a mirage. It would always be out of reach to meet her expectations. See through her.

I found your post very upsetting. I come from a dysfunctional family myself.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cost_of_raising_a_child

£230K?!

According to google this would have been the equivalent to £38,000 in my birth year.

From one broken soul to another, I feel your pain and understand you need to do what’s right for you.

Look after yourself xx

Go to therapy for a year, say, and see if you still feel you should pay her.

If you do still feel you should, deduct the cost of (a few more years of) therapy first out of the sum you decide on.

@Cocolapew

I would start and finish with Fuck All

This.

No court of law is going to make you pay your mother back what it cost to raise you.

Go full NC - believe me life is sooo much nicer aware from a narc mum.

I would suggest you spend any money you have on a good therapist to alleviate you of unnecessary guilt.

This is all kinds of wrong. I would be asking her to compensate for mental anguish over the years by same amount she thinks you owe her, so I wouldn't be paying anything.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I have just done a search on 'how much does it cost to raise a child to 18 uk' and it came up with £75,000.
So if you really want to give her something, start with that.
Then from that deduct the cost of therapy.
3 years x 50 weeks per year x £50 per session = £75000.
You're even.

(Or if £75k is peanuts to you then just give her the money if it will help you to be free with a clear conscience.)

Well think of it this way...she wants to be paid for raising you. If she did such a terrible job, and you're such a disappointment (in her eyes), then she doesn't deserve payment.

You actually sound like a lovely person to me....and need to forget all about that horrible woman.

@moneyowed

My mother is truly awful and I barely have any contact. By barely, I mean she tried to contact me through my enabling father, and I ignore her.

The last time my mother mentioned the wasted investment in me was in 2016 after a near death medical emergency. She has never mentioned the money since she said it about 15 years ago. At the time I agreed to it, and about 10 years ago I also, without being asked, put to her in writing that I will pay her back as she was sending me abuse over email and I wanted to tell her once my debt is paid there will be no obligation for contact.

I have this hanging over my head now, because I promised, but also because I am about to have a second child and when she tried to come back into my life I want to be able to tell her that I have fulfilled all my obligations that she may think I have, and she can go away.

In terms of the return on investment, she wanted me to turn out to be a particular kind of person and I haven't. Some of it is superficial eg having nice hair and skin, some about life choices eg being married to a rich husband and me be a housewife.

The reality is - and I don't mean to sound boastful - I have a high powered job making lots of money through my own work rather than my husband, i have bought my house outright using my own hard earned money but it "only" has 5 bedrooms and not 8 or 9, I have health issues which means I don't have long, lush hair like Kate Middleton but I still look nice. And because I don't have these things and many other qualities, I'm a failed investment.

I must keep her away from my children and the only "claim" I can think of that she has is that I owe her for raising me, so I want to make sure the promise is paid off so she no longer has that claim.

You are not a failed investment. Children do not ask to be born.

You really need to cut contact with your mother, and if that means being no contact or low contact with your father because of his enabling behaviour then that is unfortunate, but so be it.

With attitudes like hers you surely don't want your mother to be able to influence your children. She might well tell them that they are "investments" too and if they don't do as she thinks they should then they will become "failures" too.

I'd still pay her fuck all and cut her off. You really don't owe her anything.

That is the most awful thing I've ever read. Personally I would go NC entirely, if not for yourself, but to save her having any influence on your DC.

I wonder if it would help if you put a sum of money in an envelope, seal it, write her name on it and put it in a drawer. That's it, your 'debt' is 'paid'. You don't look at it or touch it for 1 year, nor do you have any contact with her for that time. Nor is she to know it is there. Use that time to have counselling.

I guess kind of like facing a fear? Perhaps it would be enough to break the cycle ?

But this money issue is weighing on my mind because I have promised and because I want to make sure there is no way for my mother to try to worm back in. But I take your point and won't engage on it. She would probably be horrified and gaslight me anyway because she is such a wonderful mother that she would never have said something like that, and I must have misunderstood.

Okay I had a lot of sympathy earlier in your thread but now I'm wondering how on earth a seemingly well educated woman, who has a high powered job and managed to make a good life, can honestly believe she has to fulfil some ridiculous promise made in her early 20's. You must be sensible enough to know that you could never fulfil that promise as it was not feasible to change who you were. Your mother hasn't asked for the money in 15 years. I assumed she'd been hounding you for it.

Put it out of your mind - even if it takes therapy to help you do so. You don't owe her a cent. You understand by being a mother to your own children that none of us owe our parents what your mother claims to have expected. Giving her money now won't make her go away. It will make her come back for more again and again. Continue to stay NC and as I said previously, do not engage in conversation about her with relatives, especially your father. Enjoy being a mum to your lovely kids and embrace the close inlaws and other relatives who respect and love you.

This is a really WOW type of thread. Almost unbelievable really.

I actually get where you're coming from OP but this is just more abuse from her and you being 'honorable'.#

You don't owe her anything and you are still caught in an abusive realtionship with her. You need to leave. 💐

Just remembered I paid for my mother to spend two weeks in Italy all expenses paid and two weeks one in New York one in New England to see the fall. Never had a thanks for that either.

Give up @moneyowed if you gave her millions it would never be enough, I managed without therapy but I was 50 before I said enough so did not need it.

Particularly unbelievable that a woman with a high flying career, living in a 5 bedroom house, has such intentions.