Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

My mother is truly awful and I barely have any contact. By barely, I mean she tried to contact me through my enabling father, and I ignore her.

The last time my mother mentioned the wasted investment in me was in 2016 after a near death medical emergency. She has never mentioned the money since she said it about 15 years ago. At the time I agreed to it, and about 10 years ago I also, without being asked, put to her in writing that I will pay her back as she was sending me abuse over email and I wanted to tell her once my debt is paid there will be no obligation for contact.

I have this hanging over my head now, because I promised, but also because I am about to have a second child and when she tried to come back into my life I want to be able to tell her that I have fulfilled all my obligations that she may think I have, and she can go away.

In terms of the return on investment, she wanted me to turn out to be a particular kind of person and I haven't. Some of it is superficial eg having nice hair and skin, some about life choices eg being married to a rich husband and me be a housewife.

The reality is - and I don't mean to sound boastful - I have a high powered job making lots of money through my own work rather than my husband, i have bought my house outright using my own hard earned money but it "only" has 5 bedrooms and not 8 or 9, I have health issues which means I don't have long, lush hair like Kate Middleton but I still look nice. And because I don't have these things and many other qualities, I'm a failed investment.

I must keep her away from my children and the only "claim" I can think of that she has is that I owe her for raising me, so I want to make sure the promise is paid off so she no longer has that claim.

Write her a note, something along these lines:

'Having consulted with a financial advisor, I have decided on an appropriate sum as compensation for you raising me. I am hereby absolved of any future responsibility for you.'

Sellotape a 1p coin to the note.

The only reward that you can expect from being a parent is that of knowing you did the best you could!
I think what is happening here is that as people realise that they can expect to live for longer but realise they need assistance in order to fully exploit their possible lifespan they will start trying to to recruit their children.

You really need to stop thinking this way.

She has no ‘claim’ at all.

Stop giving her this power over you.

It seems as if you need some kind of symbolic ceremony, someway to say that you have paid off your mother and after that has happened you will be able to move on?

Actually, I think you should bill her for damages.

I think she owes you not the other way round.

She has no claim op. You will never be able to ‘balance the books’ with her and youre smart and successful enough at both life and work to be able to see this with counselling. Which you need.

Did you ask to be born? No.
So you pay her nothing. And you go NC. She's a taker and will bleed you dry financially and emotionally if you let her.
It's hard but you can do this. Be strong and brave.

the only "claim" I can think of that she has is that I owe her for raising me

What she 'thinks' you owe her is neither here nor there. You owe her nothing.

I think I should win the lottery. Does that mean I can demand the lottery pays me a few million?

@dapsnotplimsolls

Write her a note, something along these lines:

'Having consulted with a financial advisor, I have decided on an appropriate sum as compensation for you raising me. I am hereby absolved of any future responsibility for you.'

Sellotape a 1p coin to the note.

This is exactly what you should do OP, no figure was ever discussed so you will have effectively honoured your 'agreement' and it might bring you some closure. I'm sure the MN assessment panel (AKA the posters on this thread ) will be in unanimous agreement that 1p is an entirely reasonable settlement figure.

This is hands down the weirdest thing I’ve ever read! I’d pay her the princely sum of £0.00.

Hello, OP. I haven't read everyone's answers yet, but I have had a hell of a mother (as in, wtf did I do to deserve a bitch like that as my dam?) and according to my dd, I've been one, too.

Repeat after me:

"Mum, you know how I agreed to pay you back for raising me? Well, I've changed my mind. I'm not going to do that."
She will object. You will respond.
"Ah, yes, I hear you. And you can fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then fuck off some more." [A useful phrase I learned from mumsnet]
Repeat as often as required.
She can then decide if she wants to be in your life or not. If not, that's a win for you. If she does want to stick around, every mis-step on her behalf is greeted with your 'Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and then fuck off some more."
And you don't worry about her or her opinion. Hard, I know, but you can train yourself not to give a fuck.

How much would your most wise and sensible friend say you owe her?

If you're set on paying her back, change your perception on what that looks like.

Pay her back by investing in yourself, get some therapy. Focus on your own family.

Didn't your father have any part in raising you? Who was the breadwinner?

You sound amazing, well done on making a success of your life despite her.

@UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea

Tell her that the money you’ve saved up to pay her back will be going towards the substantial therapy bill that’s needed to unpick the issues resulting from your dysfunctional upbringing.

This with bells on!

Oh and also if your hair isn’t up to scratch, surely that’s her fault for giving you crap DNA (even though I’m sure your hair is fine!).

Parents are legally obliged to, as a bare minimum, clothe, feed and educate their children. If they fail in that duty the government steps in and takes over that duty. No one owes their parents for fulfilling their basic needs.

What the ever-loving fuck?

No child asks to be born. No child ever 'owes' its parents on this basis. She is spewing poison, OP, and I'm so sorry you've been failed in this life by the person you should have been able to trust most.

You can discharge every obligation you ever need to by cutting off contact irrevocably and permanently. Yes, I know it hurts. I had to make the same choice with my abusive father. And it's the only thing that will ever set you free.

She won't change, and whatever compensatory gestures you do make to her will never be enough.

Sending some empathy your way. What a horribly painful situation

How old were you when you agreed to financially compensate her, @moneyowed? Presumably very young and manipulated by your mother?

It truly is a batshit thing to bring into a parent/child relationship. We can never repay our parents for what they did or didn’t do. We can never invoice our children for raising them. It can’t be a financial transaction.

I’d tell her straight: “I was manipulated into feeling I owe you financially for giving birth and raising me. Having my own family, I now realise this is a bizarre and abusive request. I consider myself absolved or any such commitment. I won’t be in contact again.”

So what if you wrote a letter? Do you really think she’d take you to Court if you didn’t pay? There is no contract and a judge would laugh her out of Court!

@moneyowed

My mother is truly awful and I barely have any contact. By barely, I mean she tried to contact me through my enabling father, and I ignore her.

The last time my mother mentioned the wasted investment in me was in 2016 after a near death medical emergency. She has never mentioned the money since she said it about 15 years ago. At the time I agreed to it, and about 10 years ago I also, without being asked, put to her in writing that I will pay her back as she was sending me abuse over email and I wanted to tell her once my debt is paid there will be no obligation for contact.

I have this hanging over my head now, because I promised, but also because I am about to have a second child and when she tried to come back into my life I want to be able to tell her that I have fulfilled all my obligations that she may think I have, and she can go away.

In terms of the return on investment, she wanted me to turn out to be a particular kind of person and I haven't. Some of it is superficial eg having nice hair and skin, some about life choices eg being married to a rich husband and me be a housewife.

The reality is - and I don't mean to sound boastful - I have a high powered job making lots of money through my own work rather than my husband, i have bought my house outright using my own hard earned money but it "only" has 5 bedrooms and not 8 or 9, I have health issues which means I don't have long, lush hair like Kate Middleton but I still look nice. And because I don't have these things and many other qualities, I'm a failed investment.

I must keep her away from my children and the only "claim" I can think of that she has is that I owe her for raising me, so I want to make sure the promise is paid off so she no longer has that claim.

I can understand you wanting to fulfil the promises you made, despite it being made under duress. However, you did not agree a monitory amount. So logical you should correlate the amount to the level of nurturing and care she gave you growing up and balance it out against any negative affects her parenting inflicted on you psychologically.

£1 per year of raising you seems perfectly reasonable.

Send the her money via bank transfer with “Full and final payment of refund of raising me“

The email her to say you have sent her them full amount you feel is appropriate and this is the end point of your relationship and you will be having no further contact.

The only sad part is if your father can not protect you from her trying to contact you, you may have no choice but to cut contact with him too.

You need to put yourself and your children first.

@Cocolapew

I would start and finish with Fuck All

So would I. Then cut off all contact and block her on everything.

It costs the same as emotional abuse so you are quits.