Well, you all warned me ☹️

[HereWeGoAgainPart2]

I posted a couple of months ago (under a different name, I think) about letting my friend stay in my granny flat, overhearing her telling her friend it was a hovel and then being really rude to me when I went to see how she was.

I gave her the benefit of doubt, even though you pretty much all told me she was taking the piss. When I saw her a second time I genuinely thought she was suicidal and thought that explained her behaviour, she’d been a great friend for the last 20 years blah blah blah.

Well, I finally managed to get her to leave yesterday. She didn’t give me the keys back, said she’d forgot, got really shitty with me when I said I needed them back as I don’t have a spare set (I do, but beside the point). She left it in an absolute state. Fridge full of stinky old takeaway and mouldy food, clearly not hoovered or cleaned the bathroom at all the whole time she’d been there (skid marks in the toilet 🤢). Sheets still on the bed, all my towels that I’d left for her filthy, covered in makeup and all over the floor. There’s absolutely no way this isn’t just a massive “fuck you” as she’s normally really clean and tidy.

I feel such a fucking mug. I lent her money to rent a new place too and it’s pretty clear I won’t be getting that back now. So, yeah, you were all right and I’m an idiot ☹️.

"no way she’ll be able to spin this to make herself look like the good guy"

You're absolutely wrong here, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I agree with @osbertthesyrianhamster, the OP went against her gut feeling trying to be the better person and it bit her on the ass.

The only thing good that can come out of these situations is to learn from them.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

Words to live by, IMO.

Being 'the bigger person' and socially conditioning has now cost her what appears to be a not insignificant amount of money.

Yep. It's a hard lesson to learn but an important one.

@HereWeGoAgainPart2

There’s no way she’ll escalate anything- again and again she’s cut people out from her life and just never mentioned them again. I’m assuming this is exactly what will happen here as there is no way she’ll be able to spin this to make herself look like the good guy.

It shouldn't matter to you, that's what's concerning. She majorly fucked you over. You did well to tell her just to fuck right off. But what she says about you any further, you need to learn to let that fuck right off, too. AND, most importantly, that when you catch someone out like this, and the very first time they act like a twat, you stop acting like their doormat, because being a doormat is costly. You matter just as much. They put themselves first, you do, too.

You got off lucky. Others have been played the mug to the tune of thousands and worse - I was conned by a man and it actually altered the course of my life. It happens all the time. But I learned the whole 'give him/her the benefit of the doubt' 'give him/her a chance, a second chance', 'moral high ground', fuzzy anecdotes about 'kindness' or about karma and comeuppance are bollocks. Money lost is just that. Lost or damaged property is just that. Debt is just that. And the other party does not give a fuck. He/she isn't giving you a second thought, not at all.

So make sure YOU are giving yourself the first thought when it comes to situations like this.

I remember you. Tell her to pay for the place to be cleaned or you’ll post pictures of her skid marks on social media.

If you think the friendship,is over, and you lent her a reasonable amount of momey, then use the small claims court to get it back.

Firstly, send her letters asking for the money back. Keep photocopies of the letter. Send it by recorded delivery so she has to sign for it, as proof she received the letters.

Then put in a claim. It’s all done online now, you don’t actually see the inside of a courtroom, or need solicitors etc. It’s a very easy process. There are some added costs, but if you win, she pays these.

small claims court

You did a kind thing. You've learnt your lesson, don't offer to help her next time. I'd write off that loan, don't waste your energy trying to get it back. At least now you're rid of her, I'm sorry she wasn't the friend you thought she was.

I remember your thread about this. So sorry to hear what your 'friend' has done. Its unfathomable bit no way your fault. You gave her the benefit of the doubt and it backfired, but you are the decent, moral person.

Not sure I'd pursue the money as chances are you won't get it and then she has 'won' again. Best to see it as a payoff for getting rid of her as was suggested up thread.

I love your last text to her! Well done, OP.
She is a proper CF and at least you have had the last word whilst keeping the moral high ground as she still owes you money.

TBH - I'd keep asking her for the money - weekly text. I bet there is proof of you taking the cash from your bank account to give to her. Plus - I would not give a shit about asking for MY money back. And I'd tell all mutual friends. Don;#'t be passive aggressive - do it properly. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

I do think you should take photos, OP. You don't need to plaster them on SM but this person sounds like the type to badmouth you and you would then have the proof, if you needed it, to rebut any accusations which might be believed by people who don't know her quite as well as you now do.

Also I'd change your locks today rather than "this week" - don't leave her any opportunity to return and ensconce herself in your property and/or do more damage. If she's likely to have keys to your main home change those, or the lock barrels too.

As for the money, maybe you'll need to write that off as the price paid to get rid of her.

Also, if you don't have a Ring doorbell or similar maybe consider getting one in case she comes back when you're not around to damage your property. It may not happen, but maybe a little insurance for the future.

You tried to do a good thing because you thought she was a better person. Lessons learned now - so ensure you have strong boundaries for the future not just in connection with her, but other people you'll meet. Also, if you do lend money again (and I no longer do..) ensure you get written, detailed proof setting out their acknowledgement of the debt, date, amount lent and exactly when and how full payment is due. You may feel awkward doing this, but it's much worse trying to recoup your money from someone who resents you asking for it back! 🌹

Locks will be changed as soon as places are open again - I’m in a big tourist place so a lot of people won’t be doing their normal jobs this week.

Absolutely no point trying to chase the money. She won’t give it back and I have no proof that I gave it to her.

I would consider it a big service to her next victim, pictures of EXACTLY how she left your home.

I would NOT be turning the other cheek.

She needs utter shaming for the mess she has left behind.

Not least letting her family know.

I really don't think it is healthy to accept that level of mistreatment from someone.

OP - you need to do what @billy1966 suggests. Simply post pics of how the place was left. Perhaps with an accompanying comment of "This is how my kindness was rewarded"- others can make up their mind.

I love your text op - just fuck off already - it’s brilliant.

Look on the bright side - you are free of a nasty pisstaker. I personally would get in there and clean absolutely everything really well to erase the memory of her. I might even redecorate. Hot wash everything. Is she vindictive enough to put stinky stuff in hidden places? I’d do a massive clean and then check every day for smells.

I know you feel bad, and hurt, and like you've been taken for a fool - but it really is not you, it's her. It's like an orange, when you squeeze it orange juice comes out. Life is giving her a squeeze currently, and she is showing her true juice, spitting on and kicking the person who has helped her, treating you with contempt. It's very confusing to be on the other end of such behaviour and ultimately you have lost someone you believed was a longtime friend, and that is sad.

to which I just replied “oh just fuck off already”

Brava, @HereWeGoAgainPart2 That’s a brilliant response. Really.

I think some people find generosity from others to be almost an insult. There’s an envy and a resentment that somehow, you have what she should have (in her mind). People also justify it to themselves - “Oh she’s rich, she has an extra flat, it doesn’t matter how I behave.”

Can you tell I speak from past experience?

Such people are narrow-minded envious little people.

Never feel ashamed for being generous and trusting someone. If she’s flung your generosity and trust back at you, that’s her problem.

I'd change the locks even though she's returned the keys. She's not trustworthy and could come back and cause damage.

@HereWeGoAgainPart2

Locks will be changed as soon as places are open again - I’m in a big tourist place so a lot of people won’t be doing their normal jobs this week.

Absolutely no point trying to chase the money. She won’t give it back and I have no proof that I gave it to her.

I agree with you there, don't bother, especially as you know she has other creditors she's burned. Just draw a line under it. Your last response to her was spot on. I do agree with billy's suggestion, too.

A lot of people get away with this type of behaviour because others are embarrassed or buy into 'rise above' and 'bigger person' nonsense. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It happens.Naming and shaming means others might not be scammed, too.

Some may say it's cynical or 'unkind' but the unkindness is on the CFer, it's a service to see that others aren't taken in if possible.

These kinds of people know exactly what they are doing. They really do. They feel entitled to other people's money, property and time.

You gotthis, OP!

She’s awful! But also show’s you just get nowhere being nice these days. Just walked all over and taken advantage of. I think i’d have give her the benefit of the doubt too. But at least she’s gone and you know your life is a million times better than hers at the moment!

I really don’t want to post anything on SM - I have too many people on there that just love drama and will inevitably make it into something involving other people when I’d really just like to put it behind me.

I’ve taken photos of the place and screenshots of her messages. No plans to do anything with them really but good to have just in case she does try talking bullshit to other people.

to you. This is such a cruel betrayal, and it will take time to grieve what you thought you had - a friend, and someone who appreciated your kindness.

You are right to just walk away from it all, with your evidence to hand if any part of it seems poised to come back and bite you on the butt.

Hold your head high and take that high road.

I suspect you were dealing all this time with someone who has a personality disorder. Some people with certain PDs hide it very well but it always comes out.

Would you be able to afford a professional cleaning crew to tackle the cleaning?

It might be very traumatic to clean it all up yourself.

@HereWeGoAgainPart2

I really don’t want to post anything on SM - I have too many people on there that just love drama and will inevitably make it into something involving other people when I’d really just like to put it behind me.

I’ve taken photos of the place and screenshots of her messages. No plans to do anything with them really but good to have just in case she does try talking bullshit to other people.

Sounds like a plan. A good one, too.

I'm in my 50s and have had such things happen and even in my professional life, I've held onto some ties too long and it's cost me a lot, in money and emotions.

Learned to just truncate that when my own senses say, 'Nah', not look back and move on. It's a learning curve but you're well on the way and good on you.

So disgusting - apart from the kicking she's given you as a friend who helped her, in a world (or even a country) where so many don't have a decent home, to make a house that filthy is just revolting. Here's hoping she will get what she deserves eventually.

OP,
I would be SO dismissive of her if this in any way comes up in your circle of friends.

I wouldn't display anger, just pure distaste.

"Some people just can't be helped", while showing a few of the pictures.

Saying a mess was left is never as powerful as a few pictures.

If I was in her circle I definitely would want to know the exact caliber of person she is.

Only utter dregs would leave a property like that, not to mind one being loaned for free by an old friend.

Boy would I judge you!