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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well, you all warned me ☹️

181 replies

HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 30/05/2021 23:19

I posted a couple of months ago (under a different name, I think) about letting my friend stay in my granny flat, overhearing her telling her friend it was a hovel and then being really rude to me when I went to see how she was.

I gave her the benefit of doubt, even though you pretty much all told me she was taking the piss. When I saw her a second time I genuinely thought she was suicidal and thought that explained her behaviour, she’d been a great friend for the last 20 years blah blah blah.

Well, I finally managed to get her to leave yesterday. She didn’t give me the keys back, said she’d forgot, got really shitty with me when I said I needed them back as I don’t have a spare set (I do, but beside the point). She left it in an absolute state. Fridge full of stinky old takeaway and mouldy food, clearly not hoovered or cleaned the bathroom at all the whole time she’d been there (skid marks in the toilet 🤢). Sheets still on the bed, all my towels that I’d left for her filthy, covered in makeup and all over the floor. There’s absolutely no way this isn’t just a massive “fuck you” as she’s normally really clean and tidy.

I feel such a fucking mug. I lent her money to rent a new place too and it’s pretty clear I won’t be getting that back now. So, yeah, you were all right and I’m an idiot ☹️.

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 31/05/2021 08:04

Look in it as a life lesson to follow your instincts. You had enough doubts over what you were doing to ask strangers on the internet for opinions. Even when the overwhelming response was don't do it you went ahead and did it anyway. Next time have the courage of your convictions and follow your gut.

You ask why she is doing it? I am willing to bet it's envy and resentment. You've been friends since school, been through everything together, been equals as you grew up. In fact I'd hazard a guess that she was pretty much always top dog in your relationship. Now the dynamic has shifted. You have so much that she doesn't. An entire granny flat you can afford to let her use for free. Enough disposable income to 'lend' her a substantial amount of money (which you both know is actually a gift). You are winning at life and she's become a loser. She is angry at the massive and (in her eyes) unjust differences in your situations and is dealing with it by treating you and what you are giving her as worthless.

I know it's no comfort, but this isn't about you. It's about her. You did truly wonderful things for her. She may well have been genuinely suicidal, after all being suicidal doesn't make you a nicer, kinder, tidier or more grateful person. If she was - you saved her. Be proud of what you did for her. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the friend you loved and put this behind you.

Nonmaquillee · 31/05/2021 08:05

Hello - I remember you commenting on your thread and urging you to ask her to leave. You were given huge amounts of similar advice.

Why ask for advice then ignore it? It wastes everyone’s time. She was CLEARLY taking you for a ride....and then you also “lent” her money? Wow.

MrsBunHat · 31/05/2021 08:06

Wow op you do not deserve being called a pushover etc on this thread Flowers there is nothing wrong with trying to be kind and supportive to a friend. I saw the thread before too. Many people get through tough times and sticky situations when a friend gives them a place to stay. I’ve been on both sides of it myself and it’s a good thing to do and most people would be hugely grateful and buy you wine and leave it spotless. Which is what you deserve.

Whether she is just a nasty user or it’s because of illness, this is not on you and doing something kind isn’t a failing.

I would ask for your loan back and send her a letter detailing it - it doesn’t sound hopeful but don’t just wave goodbye to it.

Nonmaquillee · 31/05/2021 08:06

Sorry - I mean:

I remember commenting on your thread

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 31/05/2021 08:13

Make sure you photograph everything. Not to share them just as a reminder incase she comes running back for another favour in the future. Its easy for memories to fade and convince you that it wasnt as bad as it was. They would also be useful to show her if she tries deny it happened.

Tal45 · 31/05/2021 08:15

I remember your thread. She has lost out far more than you because she has lost a wonderful friend - god I wish I had a friend as lovely as you. If you can afford it I would get the locks changed, write that money off and never have anything to do with her again. You can't afford for her to worm her way back in again when all she does is take advantage of you. Nasty little bitch.

FunnyWonder · 31/05/2021 08:15

You're not an idiot. You sound like an absolutely lovely friend. She doesn't deserve you. But do ask for your money back, even though you might not get it. Asking will show that you aren't taking any more crap and that you are moving on. Then move on.

Thanks
MilesOfSand · 31/05/2021 08:18

@Nonmaquillee

Hello - I remember you commenting on your thread and urging you to ask her to leave. You were given huge amounts of similar advice.

Why ask for advice then ignore it? It wastes everyone’s time. She was CLEARLY taking you for a ride....and then you also “lent” her money? Wow.

Don’t be silly, it wastes nobody’s time. You’re on an internet forum, you choose to post here.
AntiSocialDistancer · 31/05/2021 08:18

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Wow. You lent her money too? Please, stop being a pushover.
Cheap way to see that the trash takes itself out.

It will be pretty grim cleaning all that up by yourself OP purely because of how hurtful it is. You went above and beyond for a friend and she took serious advantage of that.

If you were my friend, and you asked, I would help you clean it up so you had a bit of company, and a bit of perspective during quite a difficult time. If you wanted to ask someone for help feel free.

You're a kind woman, not everyone is sour and ungrateful, and spiteful. Keep reminding yourself there is good in the world - you are proof of that.

AntiSocialDistancer · 31/05/2021 08:19

And please change the locks.

HumansAreShocking · 31/05/2021 08:19

For being such good friends why on earth haven’t you spoken to her about how she’s treated you and your home?

Eesha · 31/05/2021 08:24

Draw a line, its over now. My friend lent a friend in excess of 30K for a venture, its all gone now. I admire how my friend drew a line and i think karma is definitely a thing too.

BerylReader · 31/05/2021 08:26

You may well have felt guilty if you hadn’t continued to help but, well, now you know. The money is annoying plus the expense of changing the locks (please do that!) but the rest can be cleaned. She’s lost a lot more in such a friend as you. If she ever gets back in touch DO NOT help her out in this way again!

LouHotel · 31/05/2021 08:29

Ask for your money back to cover the cleaning?

Your resigned to not seeing that money but a couple of texts dialogue and you'll have paper trail.

Its all very good posters telling your kind but its not so much the constant giving her the doubt but the facts you won't pull her on bad behaviour. How are you going to feel when your in a social setting with other friends and her and she makes up her side of the story about being kicked out ect..
.

Take photos, document the loan and you then have that information if you need it. Stop thinking everybody is kind.

Lalliella · 31/05/2021 08:32

You’re not an idiot OP. You’re a kind and trusting person who wanted to help a friend in need. This situation is not your fault, it’s your “friend”’s. What a vile person she has become. My only guess is that she’s jealous of your life and how much better you’re doing than she is and tried to bring you down in some way.

I agree with photographing everything. Probably don’t post on SM at the moment, see how things go from here.

I’m sorry your kindness has been replayed in this way, and for the loss of your friend.

KaptainKaveman · 31/05/2021 08:32

She'll be back. You are her gravy train. Change the locks, take pictures, screenshot all conversations.

And for heaven's sake stop paying her to abuse you.

NoProblem123 · 31/05/2021 08:33

I remember your other thread. You’re not an idiot, you’re a great friend who did a really thing. You deserve so much better.

Today is a good day - she’s gone.

Youdontfoolme · 31/05/2021 08:45

Please change the locks. I hope you haven’t given her a reference for her new place.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/05/2021 08:46

Thank goodness she has gone!

Twoforthree · 31/05/2021 08:50

You know you did your best and couldn’t have done any more to be a good friend. Now forget about her - unless you want to get her to admit the loan via text, and claim through the small claims court?

Do you want help wording the texts so she doesn’t realise what she’s admitting to?

Structuredsward · 31/05/2021 08:51

Yes I would be challenging her about how she left it. There's no point in asking her to pay for a cleaner I suppose?

I'm not surprised you are heartbroken op. At the very least I would write to her, including copies of photos of how she left the place (keep the originals) and say how you are deeply upset to have been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour from someone who was your best friend at school, maid of honour at your wedding, and with whom you have shared many holidays, especially when you were trying to help her. Then I would tell her never to contact you ever again and that you have changed the locks Sad. And sorry but I would let every mutual friend know what happened and show them the photos too. At least then you have a paper trail and witnesses if she tries to bad mouth you to others.

elfycat · 31/05/2021 08:52

I remember the last thread, and all the warnings from posters.

You wanted to help her and that is a reflection of you as a person as and a friend. If you hadn't you would always have thought back and felt bad. This was the right thing for you to have done for a friend in a bad place.

You need to cut her out of your life now. If you want proof of the loan for the small claims a text message chain will work. You could send a message asking about the key and then slip something in about 'How about we wait three months for you to find your feet and then you can pay me back the £600* - £50 for 12 months, or £100 for 6 months' making the totals add up to the full amount.

ANY confirmation reply on writing will be proof.

You don't have to do anything about the loan afterwards - like others I think it would be money well spent to be rid of her. I used to have lottery dreams that if I won I could buy a friend a house and then walk away from our friendship (I didn't win the lottery but did go NC with the friend)

ittakes2 · 31/05/2021 08:53

OP don't feel bad. Being a good person and trying to be a good friend is a positive thing not a negative thing. There is nothing wrong with trying to help someone. At least now you will have more space in your life to attract a nice friend or two who appreciate you.

Lumene · 31/05/2021 08:55

Sorry this happened to you.

I would change the locks if you can’t get the key back.

Original poster
HereWeGoAgainPart2 · 31/05/2021 08:58

I’m not going to contact her again, there is literally no point. She has had callings out with so many people over the years and just brushed it off even when it’s been people who have been really close to her. I’ve always just put it down to me thinking their relationship was closer than I thought it was or her being the wronged party as I obviously only hear her side of it. It makes a lot more sense now though. Her family completely cut her off, supposedly because she was was gay but I’m still pretty close to them, they always ask after her and have certainly given me the impression that the door is always open.

After she dropped the keys off she sent me a really sarcastic thank you test to which I just replied “oh just fuck off already” which I’m guessing is the final nail in the coffin. But, fuck it, I did my best.

Locks will definitely be changed this week.

OP posts: