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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tired of this

132 replies

Sundayblues21 · 30/05/2021 09:04

Morning all,
I've just come on here for a moan really.
I am so bloody sick of dh and his selfish behaviour.
He made an expensive purchase on Friday, without mentioning it to me. Fair enough, it is nice and the kids like it, he claims he can afford it, great. This purchase led to him inviting over some family to our house yesterday.
I told him that I did actually have a few jobs that I wanted to do (he never checks if I have plans when arranging something and everything evolves around his needs and schedule) so would need his help in getting cleaned up and organised. I rushed off to go shopping for everything we needed including a gift for one of his family members that he hadn't thought about.
When I arrived home 2 hours later, having not made it to the couple of shops I had wanted to go to, I found him enjoying expensive purchase and the house still a mess.
His family arrived and he just clocked off. I spent the majority of the day prepping food, getting drinks, looking after children etc.
I began cleaning up at around 10pm as I was absolutely shattered. I said to dh that I was tired and he said he was too.

I felt bad but started making subtle hints that it was time for family to leave. The kids were clearly tired and I don't like mine being up late anyway.

They were having difficulty arranging transport and my very drunken dh just disappeared without a word off to bed, leaving me to deal with it.

I was pissed off, but not with family members as I do love seeing them, but with dh.
On top of this he had spent all day making jibes at me about how I'm not affectionate enough and don't show him love enough.
It's like he genuinely believes that he should get to do whatever he wants and I should be greatful he does anything at all and make a massive fuss of him.
We've really struggled over the last few years. We've had counselling but he believes everything is my fault so it was pointless.
I am really tempted to bring it up with him today and just say that I have found it difficult to move on from some rather unpleasant incidents, but nothing has turned me off him more than his selfish, entitled attitude. He sees me as a less important person, it's clear to me now that my needs don't come into his head, just the impact they will have on his own.

Sorry for ranting, just needed to get it out!

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 30/05/2021 09:06

I would sit him down and lay it all out like you have here

Next time... If you come back from the shops and see he's done nothing to prepare for HIS guests, then turn around and go straight back out. Leave him to it

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2021 09:06

It seems like you so far too much. He invited them over so he can cater for them and look after them. Don’t run round after people you didn’t even invite next time. Sounds like you should consider whether you want to stay married to him

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2021 09:06

It seems like you do far too much*

thisplaceisweird · 30/05/2021 09:07

I would also say that if you're the person always jumping up to get drinks and food.. just don't. Give your husband instructions e.g. 'dave, why don't you get X another drink' in front of everyone.
Delegate the jobs, be clear about your expectations.

Sundayblues21 · 30/05/2021 09:21

Thanks for replies.

You're right in that I probably do to much. I just like people to have a nice time when they come over and know they are well catered for, especially the kids.

I should have gone off for the day. That was my original plan as last Saturday he went to a hobby for 2 hours, came back, had a bath then just announced he was going out and didn't come back until 10:30pm! I don't mind him being out, but just a few weeks earlier he had given me the silent treatment for 3 days for getting home later than he would have liked from a night out!
He seems to have alot more freedom than me.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 30/05/2021 09:25

Yes, delegate to him if he invites folks over. If he doesn’t, then go out. I have done this. It never happened again. DH realised how much work having his folks over actually involves. I have a friend who took herself off to bed being ‘ill’ when her DH did it and had a great day upstairs reading etc while he ran around in a panic sorting all the food out. Before they had Dc so she didn’t have to worry about them though.
This is like the women who get overwhelmed with Christmas having to sort all his family gifts out as well. Just make it clear you won’t be doing that if you work equally, and stick to it.

ChristmasFluff · 30/05/2021 15:04

Oh dear. You are lying down in front of the door, then complaining when he treats you like a doormat.

If you read your post with a stranger's eyes, you will see it.

You have to boundary up - boundaries don't depend on another person's actions, they are for us so we don't take on other people's stuff.

So the preparations for the people he invited belonged to him. The present-buying belonged to him. That leaves you free to go to the shops you wanted to go to.

At bedtime, you say goodnight pleasantly and go to bed. His guests to entertain, not yours.

When you keep putting someone first, you teach them to put you second.

He will hate you being boundaried at first. But the only people who have an issue with you being boundaried are those who have benefitted from you having none. If that's permanent - well, he didn't want a wife, he wanted a slave.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2021 15:11

Oh dear. You are lying down in front of the door, then complaining when he treats you like a doormat.

Sorry op, but this is 100% true. You are allowing him to take advantage of you, and then drowning in resentment and frustration because of it. You can't control your husband, but you can control what you do.

You should have told him that he's in his own. Food, cleaning, whatever, it's all on him. If he makes plans without you, this is the consequence. You are not the fucking skivvy.

As for the even bigger picture, your husband sounds insufferable. Perhaps it's time to end it.

Bluntness100 · 30/05/2021 15:18

Op you can’t control him you can only control your self. Why are you doing all this stuff? When he said they were coming over you should just have said cool. If you want them to eat or drink you best get to the shops and said nothing further.

ExplodingCarrots · 30/05/2021 15:37

He's a controlling misogynistic arsehole. He expects you to do everything because he thinks it's your job. Sulking for 3 days !? He'd be out on his arse! I bet he bought a hot tub didn't he?

Sundayblues21 · 30/05/2021 15:42

Well, not an easy read, but you're all right.

I've always put his needs and feelings above my own and it doesn't go down very well when I try to change that.

Unfortunately my people pleasing tendencies are pretty engrained, not just when it comes to dh.

I guess it's not uncommon for women to take on this role in the household though.

I was already pissed off with him when o asked him to clear up his mess in the bathroom earlier in the week and he flat out refused.

I don't think he has much respect for me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2021 15:43

What they all said. You’re running yourself ragged and for what? So that next time he knows he can take the piss again and you might moan but you’ll accommodate him anyway?

What example are you setting your children by doing this?

Why stay with someone you admit sees you as so unimportant, who gives you the silent treatment, you expects you to skivvy for him and his guests and who doesn’t care about your happiness?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2021 15:44

I guess it's not uncommon for women to take on this role in the household though.

Well you know what perpetuates this dynamic don’t you? Children of both sexes seeing dad piss around doing exactly as he likes while mum martyrs herself.

ExplodingCarrots · 30/05/2021 15:46

Sounds like he has ZERO respect for you OP. You deserve so much more. You sound such a lovely person putting yourself out and
Making sure you're a good host. We had friends over for a BBQ few weeks back and DH was carried away chatting and I said 'oi, get here and help me tidy/sort stuff' and first thing he did was apologise and help. That's how it should be.

BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 15:49

It sounds like there are a whole lot of problems in your marriage. It's possibly even on the brink of collapse.

If you (or you two) knew how to fix them on your own, I think you would have done it by now. I'd go to marriage counseling and if he won't go, then go to counseling without him. It's one thing for someone to realize that their ingrained interaction habits need to change for their marriage to be reasonably satisfactory and quite another for that person to be able to do that effectively without ongoing professional insight and guidance.

Hawkins001 · 30/05/2021 15:50

Not sure what to advise, all the best op

Melitza · 30/05/2021 15:54

Put yourself first for a while.
It's hard but if you don't you'll never get any respect.
Personally I would book next weekend away and tell him as you leave the house in a mess and no food bought.

Sundayblues21 · 30/05/2021 16:03

I think I do need to go back to individual counselling. We did marriage counselling, at my insistence, last year. He eventually agreed, came and made the right noises, but it was all a lie really.
I think it goes back to my childhood unfortunately. He often throws that in my face when he's not getting his own way. That and my mental health, obviously!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/05/2021 16:11

I don't think he has much respect for me.

i'm sorry, but I don't think he has ANY respect for you.

His wants and needs come first, and you've been trained to jump to his beck and call, due to his sulks and silent treatment if you don't.

It's up to you how you want the rest of your life to be, but if you continually put everyone else first, you'll always find yourself running around everyone else.

Agree with other people; pull him up on it in front of his family/friends. So what if they suddenly realise he's a lazy pig? If you keep making excuses for him, you'll just end up always having to run around after him.

Maybe arrange for some more counselling to help you start putting some of your own wants and needs first.

Oh, and he if he throws your mental health in your face when he's not getting his own way, he really is a selfish arsehole and you should really reconsider if you want to be with someone that utterly contemptible.

Good luck. Can you talk to anyone is real life about this?

Notagain20 · 30/05/2021 16:25

OP, apologies for the awful title but there's a great book about people pleasing and how to change it called The Disease to Please- give it a read. It has a 21 day plan for starting to change these habits. Individual counselling is a great idea too. You need to start learning to say no, and to deal with people's responses to you saying no - it will be uncomfortable at first but it's soooooo worth it, not just for you but for the example you will set your kids.

Time to stop being a doormat, OP!

Fl0w3r · 30/05/2021 17:19

Oh OP :( I feel you

I've just ended my relationship because of treatment like this.

You have your own choices to make but mine came down to time and life being far too precious to be someone else's skivvy.

RandomMess · 30/05/2021 17:44

You've already been to marriage counselling and he paid lip service and did not change at all which is proof that he has 0 respect for you, love for you, consideration for you.

Start making your plans to leave. He isn't prepared to change is he?

Sundayblues21 · 30/05/2021 17:50

Thanks for the advice. I am greatful of the replies. How did he take it @Fl0w3r?
We did split, briefly, last year over similar, but when push came to shove he said he didn't want to leave, loved me etc. I think the reality was it was the easier option for him and I was scared to force it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/05/2021 17:52

So he came back and nothing changed??

It really never will then will it?

Thanks
Sundayblues21 · 30/05/2021 17:57

He never actually went. It was all abit of a nightmare to be honest and in the end I just didn't have it in me to follow through.

OP posts: