Tired of this

[Sundayblues21]

Morning all,
I've just come on here for a moan really.
I am so bloody sick of dh and his selfish behaviour.
He made an expensive purchase on Friday, without mentioning it to me. Fair enough, it is nice and the kids like it, he claims he can afford it, great. This purchase led to him inviting over some family to our house yesterday.
I told him that I did actually have a few jobs that I wanted to do (he never checks if I have plans when arranging something and everything evolves around his needs and schedule) so would need his help in getting cleaned up and organised. I rushed off to go shopping for everything we needed including a gift for one of his family members that he hadn't thought about.
When I arrived home 2 hours later, having not made it to the couple of shops I had wanted to go to, I found him enjoying expensive purchase and the house still a mess.
His family arrived and he just clocked off. I spent the majority of the day prepping food, getting drinks, looking after children etc.
I began cleaning up at around 10pm as I was absolutely shattered. I said to dh that I was tired and he said he was too.

I felt bad but started making subtle hints that it was time for family to leave. The kids were clearly tired and I don't like mine being up late anyway.

They were having difficulty arranging transport and my very drunken dh just disappeared without a word off to bed, leaving me to deal with it.

I was pissed off, but not with family members as I do love seeing them, but with dh.
On top of this he had spent all day making jibes at me about how I'm not affectionate enough and don't show him love enough.
It's like he genuinely believes that he should get to do whatever he wants and I should be greatful he does anything at all and make a massive fuss of him.
We've really struggled over the last few years. We've had counselling but he believes everything is my fault so it was pointless.
I am really tempted to bring it up with him today and just say that I have found it difficult to move on from some rather unpleasant incidents, but nothing has turned me off him more than his selfish, entitled attitude. He sees me as a less important person, it's clear to me now that my needs don't come into his head, just the impact they will have on his own.

Sorry for ranting, just needed to get it out!

You need to shame him in front of his family. Hi - happy birthday - don't know what DH has got for you, it must be a surprise. Tell him once and once only that entertaining them is down to him and either go out - best option - or just sit it out waiting for him to produce lunch and drinks for his guests. I doubt that it's possible at this late stage to instil some respect for you - but you could amuse yourself watching his discomfiture before you LTB.

.

silent treatment for three days! after 3 hours i'd tell him to get gone. silent treatment is for immature wankers

in fact last night i went out - missed my last train, texted him to tell him i had to stay at my mates and rocked up home at 7.30am this morning and he didn't bat an eyelid

@Sundayblues21 so he's known for a year he has the potential to lose you and that you're not happy but still acts like this.

Sorry, I'm biased atm but that would hurt me :(

Um. He said ok, then hasn't spoken to me. We don't live together though so slightly different situation.

But shows the amount of effort they both have

@Fl0w3r at least you had the balls to do it after recognising things weren't right.

I've had so many threads on here over the last 3 years under different names it's pathetic
I hope you're holding up ok x

How can we help you?

Truly what do you want?

@RandomMess there is nothing anyone else can do.
I will go back to counselling.

Knowing I'm going to lose my kids (at least part of the time) and everything I've ever known as an adult is terrifying to me.

The worst part of it is, I love him, but in my gut I know that after 16 years, that's no longer enough. I think there is too much water under the bridge. Not all necessarily big things, but a slow accumulation and a sharp realisation from me. It's like there was no turning back from the minute that I realised this would continue and he won't change. I have tried really hard to brush my feelings aside and carry on, for my kids sake, but I'm not sure I can do that anymore.

Death by a thousand cuts.

Can you work on emotionally detaching from him?

I think to a certain extent I am, or at least I was.

I feel bad as I agreed to try again but I end up so bitterly disappointed in his treatment of me and his lack of care and support towards me.
I need to have an honest discussion with him but he's so difficult it makes it almost impossible.

He's just going to tell me what a mental, unreasonable person I am and how I don't try hard enough. It's happened so often that I can't help but question it too.

That is his tactic to get you to STFU he is actually abusive towards you!!

He hasn't changed, made zero effort to and just blames you.

You agreeing to try again was you agreeing to put up with his awful behaviour towards you.

Is there any point in taking? He will call you names, say you haven't tried etc etc

You need to shame him in front of his family. Hi - happy birthday - don't know what DH has got for you, it must be a surprise. Tell him once and once only that entertaining them is down to him and either go out - best option - or just sit it out waiting for him to produce lunch and drinks for his guests

I know the thread has moved on but sounds like you aren't ready to leave just yet.
In the meantime, I love this suggestion above.
When he invites people over just sit around and go "ooh what are you cooking for us?" "What did you plan for X?" "Go and get X's birthday present then!" and just shame him.

It's a tactic that works very well unfortunately.
I think it's behaviour that is reinforced my childhood too, so when he brings things up about that, he's not necessarily wrong!
I do try and assert myself but it just doesn't work. As an example, last night he was drunk, but used language towards me that I didn't appreciate. I mentioned this today and he threw a strop. I said the usual response would be to apologise and he said it was my fault for bring it up.
This is quite common. If I raise an issue.
If I said I was leaving because of x,you and z, he would set out to prove me wrong, or pull some stuff out of his hat that implies I am no better, or unstable.

@thisplaceisweird I could do that but he simply wouldn't have provided anything (food, gift or otherwise) and thought that was ok. To be fair, his expectations are possibly lower than mine, but I couldn't feel ok with it.

It would be terribly uncomfortable for you OP, yes
That's kind of the point.. that he won't have done anything and it'll be embarrassing for him. Would work especially well if you turn up after a few hours instead of being there ready for his guests. Might be enough to make a statement and stop his showboat invites with no effort his side. Have a pizza delivery on standby.

OP you really need to leave. You have one life, is this how you want to live it?

That's the thing @thisplaceisweird he wouldn't be embarrassed at all.

I don't think other people's feelings register with him. That adds to my guilt as it's just the way he's wired.

@thisplaceisweird

I would sit him down and lay it all out like you have here

Next time... If you come back from the shops and see he's done nothing to prepare for HIS guests, then turn around and go straight back out. Leave him to it

goood advice.

@Sundayblues21 not pathetic at all. You're seeking clarity on what to do & it helps to talk it out.

Despite you feeling this way for some time, that's no negative, it shows you're kind and loving and willing to put the effort to make things work. But relationships involve two people. & you will never look back and think if I did xyz it could have worked because you've already tried It.

Although if you did go down a break up route be prepared for the internal questioning again. Doesn't help with his minimising of your feelings when you try to raise it with him.

@Sundayblues21

I think to a certain extent I am, or at least I was. I feel bad as I agreed to try again but I end up so bitterly disappointed in his treatment of me and his lack of care and support towards me. I need to have an honest discussion with him but he's so difficult it makes it almost impossible. He's just going to tell me what a mental, unreasonable person I am and how I don't try hard enough. It's happened so often that I can't help but question it too.

i think you've done enough discussions with him, with the counsellors and also your threads on here for 3 years as you mentioned.

i think you need to take action now. 3 years is a very long time to suffer. you want to suffer 3 more years or more?

dont talk to him anymore. he should know by now. just take action.
believe in yourself.

Thank you for your advice.
When I had my light bulb moment, I said to him that I knew this cycle would carry on, but I couldn't.

I know I have to seperate the person I think he could be, from the person he shows me he is.
The future without him is such a scary place. I worry for my kids (who have sen), for my future and for dh's.
I just don't want to look back in 5 years time and think I royally fucked it up and caused everyone so much pain.
This was supposed to be forever.

if you continue you may lose your health.

I know.
I am completely messing up at work and think, in part, that is due to home life.
Possibly more due to my lack of confidence and brain fog than anything else though.

I feel like I'm failing on all fronts.

It’s not you that’s choosing to fuck it all up. It’s him.
Only get counseling that focuses on building up your strength, not examining where you’re going wrong, at least until you can get to a point where it doesn’t scare you to take back control over your life.

I think if you have a husband that spends family money (he says HE can afford it?!) as if it’s entirely his own, gives you the silent treatment for days at a time, and says nasty things to you (verbal abuse) when you try to remonstrate, then you are dealing with coercive control tactics. Sneaky ones.

Action cures fear, so start by looking at building up your confidence and finances and GET LEGAL ADVICE!

It’s part of the deal with these guys that their time and money are their own, while you are run ragged propping everything up. They create mess and work for you to deal with so you don’t have time or strength to sort out what’s happening.

Why didn’t his guests offer to help, or bring food with them? Why did they expect you to do it all?

You don’t have to do anything dramatic. Just STOP doing things for other people and let them take the consequences themselves.

You can:
Go out of the house. Stay in your chair instead of getting up to do something. Leave housework that doesn’t relate to you and the kids. Stop paying into joint finances if he has so much extra money. Etc.

You’ll probably have to bin him in the end. Best keep your wits about you. Good luck.

Having had long term counselling and I realised that I entered therapy to enable me to tolerate more abuse! It took years for me to understand that I was trying to prove something impossible! I carried a belief system from childhood that I was difficult and pretty much unbearable to be around and I was trying to prove everyone wrong - that I was good and kind and therefore worthy of love. But, of course, it just meant that every time something didn't go my ex's way, he just had to push that button and I'd recognise my unworthiness, apologise and try even harder.

I could never have left because that would have been the ultimate proof of how unreasonable, bad, selfish and impossible I really was. But I was behaving irrationally and had things gone on much longer I would have lost my mental health completely. It was really challenging as a single parent because I was still dealing with this sense of being a bad person for having my own needs and wants and, of course, my children had already seen their dad exploit this.

But good, long term, therapy and I'm happy now, mostly, and recognise that I am generally a reasonable, kindhearted individual. Sometimes I make mistakes and that's just part of being human, I can apologise and move on. I'm learning to trust that I can look after myself and have had another long term relationship which I ended because it didn't meet my needs.

Your need to please others is driven from a deep need to prove you're not whatever your parents projected on to you - impossible, selfish, never think of others, difficult, etc. Be prepared to look at what this is and you'll recognise your behaviour as a coherent solution to prove you're not these things and thus win their love. Because that's what's driving your behaviour, a deep need to prove you're worthy of love. Then you will have true choices about your behaviour.

@Sundayblues21

Thank you for your advice. When I had my light bulb moment, I said to him that I knew this cycle would carry on, but I couldn't. I know I have to seperate the person I think he could be, from the person he shows me he is. The future without him is such a scary place. I worry for my kids (who have sen), for my future and for dh's. I just don't want to look back in 5 years time and think I royally fucked it up and caused everyone so much pain. This was supposed to be forever.

But how could things possibly be worse than they are now? You say that when you bring things up he says it's then your fault for bringing them up?! Can't you see what a pathetic 'argument' that is? You have tried everything, including counseling, the only route now is separation. Wishing you strength to find happiness.

Wow, some really insightful posts, thank you.
I think you're scarily accurate on the childhood front. I often feel like I need to prove myself. I am getting better at taking some time for myself, but it's usually at the end of the day, once everyone is sorted.
If I do things that are an inconvenience to him, he has a 'mr reasonable' response, where his words might say it's fine (initially at least), but his actions and body language say something else. I end up feeling so on edge as I feel like I constantly need his approval.
I don't think I could actually handle a conversation with him about splitting up. He would be so hurt and angry with me.

Stop talking to him. All you are doing is giving him ammunition. Practice self restraint. Build up your strength with counselling, savings, legal advice. Take the time you need.
Being a single parent is not failing, it’s actually quite nice a lot of the time and your children will do better not being in such a toxic environment.