Tired of this

[Sundayblues21]

Morning all,
I've just come on here for a moan really.
I am so bloody sick of dh and his selfish behaviour.
He made an expensive purchase on Friday, without mentioning it to me. Fair enough, it is nice and the kids like it, he claims he can afford it, great. This purchase led to him inviting over some family to our house yesterday.
I told him that I did actually have a few jobs that I wanted to do (he never checks if I have plans when arranging something and everything evolves around his needs and schedule) so would need his help in getting cleaned up and organised. I rushed off to go shopping for everything we needed including a gift for one of his family members that he hadn't thought about.
When I arrived home 2 hours later, having not made it to the couple of shops I had wanted to go to, I found him enjoying expensive purchase and the house still a mess.
His family arrived and he just clocked off. I spent the majority of the day prepping food, getting drinks, looking after children etc.
I began cleaning up at around 10pm as I was absolutely shattered. I said to dh that I was tired and he said he was too.

I felt bad but started making subtle hints that it was time for family to leave. The kids were clearly tired and I don't like mine being up late anyway.

They were having difficulty arranging transport and my very drunken dh just disappeared without a word off to bed, leaving me to deal with it.

I was pissed off, but not with family members as I do love seeing them, but with dh.
On top of this he had spent all day making jibes at me about how I'm not affectionate enough and don't show him love enough.
It's like he genuinely believes that he should get to do whatever he wants and I should be greatful he does anything at all and make a massive fuss of him.
We've really struggled over the last few years. We've had counselling but he believes everything is my fault so it was pointless.
I am really tempted to bring it up with him today and just say that I have found it difficult to move on from some rather unpleasant incidents, but nothing has turned me off him more than his selfish, entitled attitude. He sees me as a less important person, it's clear to me now that my needs don't come into his head, just the impact they will have on his own.

Sorry for ranting, just needed to get it out!

@Sundayblues21 if he's hurt and angry so what? He will be angry with himself and take it out on you once he realises his easy ride has come to an end.
I mean this kindly but just grow a backbone...why is it okay for you to be hurt just so long as he is happy?
I appreciate you had issues with your childhood (me too!) But you can't let them break you as an adult if you want to be happy, I was a people pleaser up to being about 19/20 before I decided that I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life putting everyone else first to my detriment!
Just try saying no if you don't want to do something with/for him, I promise the world will keep turning.
Also, one last thing! Go out and stay out till whatever time you want. Do not give him a second thought when you are out... no one has told me what time to be home since I was a child. They can sulk till the cows come home for all I care... makes no difference to me!

I would second the advice given by a PP to get a copy of 'The Disease to Please'. My counsellor suggested it to me and it was a hard but life changing read.

I also put up with my feelings coming last and endured the silent treatment as punishment for over 20 years. I was so broken that I'd go to bed at night not caring if I woke up in the morning.

3 years on from my 'that's enough' moment I am in the process of divorcing and my house is up for sale. It has been a hard road and I agonised for months about telling him it was over because I was scared of his reaction. Safe to say he was livid and has blamed me for everything but feels his conscience is clear as he thinks he was a fabulous husband.

One thing that has become very clear is that no matter what he says he would never have changed. He has never acknowledged that his behaviour helped to get us here and has never said he'll miss me (although he'll miss having me do things for him).

Facing a future alone (although luckily with brilliantly supportive adult DCs) will be hard but staying with him would have been so much worse.

I don't usually say this on here because it's easier said than done but you really do need to LTB.
His behaviour towards you is disgusting and he clearly sees you as less of a person than himself. Vile.
I know the thought of a life without him is scary but blimey, you've got to get free of this leech for yourself and your children.

Thanks again for your comments.

It's true that some things are easier said than done and everyone's situation is different I guess.
@Simplelifecoming your post really resonates with. Well done you for breaking the cycle. I hope you don't mind me asking but, what was your lightbulb moment and how did you bring up the conversation with him?

You're bonded to your abuser. It's not love and this is not what normal, healthy relationships look like. It's abuse.

You seem to be carrying around guilt and shame that isn't yours to carry. You are not responsible for other people's actions.

And being passive is not a positive choice - it is harming you not "people pleasing" (and frankly, there is no amount of passivity from you that will ever be enough to please an abuser so you're just dragging yourself deeper into the toxic mess by dismissing your behaviour as a nice "people pleasing" tendency rather than what it is because you debase yourself more and more sinking to new lows trying to "please" him.) That's a major part of the difficulties you need to address in therapy - learning what assertiveness really means and how to bring it into your life.

Being harmed by abuse is not failing, and leaving an abusive relationship is as far from failing as it's possible to get.

You don't need his permission to leave. Abuse is about power and control, he will never let go of that control by agreeing unless you make it happen.

i need to add that your dc will copy him in the future and be like him to you because thats what they see and learn now.

on another thread a suggestion was to be angry to be able to take action which i believe gives strength to be able to stand up for yourself and do what you need to do.

as this is a passive control-abuse, i think you can contact women's aid. they are very knowledgeable about this and they can help you.

@hatcoatscarfalcohol it is scary to think that this might be what is actually going on in my life. I feel so stupid. It's not bad all the time and when we have nice days it makes me doubt myself and feel like I'm being over sensitive.
@bluebell34567 I do have some issues with ds1's behaviour. It was my mother that first suggested that dh may play a role in this. He will allow ds1 to be aggressive with me and not step in. I've raised it many times with him but it doesn't change. I am also starting to wonder if ds1 picks up on the lack of respect for me as a general undertone, even though it's not big obvious things that are happening.

You certainly sound unhealthily co-dependent.

You don't have to discuss things with him. If you want to move out, sort it out and move out. Ultimately you can just serve divorce papers.

You don't need to x y z reasons just that you are very unhappy in the relationship and you feel undermined as a parent by him.

He would be angry yet he doesn't care that you are hurt and unhappy!

He would be angry that his domestic appliance and nanny is leaving!

. I am also starting to wonder if ds1 picks up on the lack of respect for me as a general undertone

And possibly lack of respect for yourself/willingness to put yourself last/be trampled on? This sounds so mean but you should get self aware if you want change

Agree with others - there's no discussion to be had. "I'm not happy and I will be filing for divorce" (after speaking to a lawyer to kick off the process). That's all you need to say, no discussion or debate needed

Of course your children are learning from their father about how to behave towards people.

I’m sorry, I know it’s hard, but does it make it any easier to hear that you will be doing this to benefit your kids? They need you to model healthy relationships and stepping away from this dynamic will benefit them in the long run.

My lightbulb moment was when he jokingly called me a stupid cunt. We didn't have children thankfully, but I was really broody. I just knew my future with him would be him at best, denigrating me and name calling when times were good, being nasty and abusive when times were not. And that likely there would be a toddler sponge laughing along with daddy at what a stupid cunt mummy is.

I realised in that moment, I'd given it my all. Everything. I'd bent over backwards to fix all the problems we had because I'd been convinced by then it was all my fault. And even then it was only ever going to be 50% of the effort required because he was never going to work on modifying his behaviour to make our relationship better.

So I just walked. I just said that I've done my best but that I couldn't fix this. Of course, like your DH, it all became all my fault so in the end I just said to him "yeah, whatever. I can't fix this. I've tried and I'm done" Not much he could say to that.

You gave it an honest try and it's time to face up to it being broken beyond your best efforts. Maybe use the counselling to help you formulate your plan to separate?

I do think our house would maybe be calmer without him here.

I would be less resentful day to day.
I'm driving myself mad with deciding what to do. I listened to that "too good to leave too bad to stay" book last year and felt no further forward, or maybe I was but I'm just not brave enough to do anything about it.
I'm genuinely sick of hearing myself moan about it.

Speak to a lawyer and/or Women’s Aid, no need at all to tell him first. He will not be ‘hurt’ - angry yes, but hurt his feelings? What about YOUR feelings? Your hurt when he abuses you, gaslights you, speaks to you with contempt and scorn? Make your plans and try and ignore him as much as possible. For your children’s sake, you should leave this nasty piece of work - and I’m quite sure your mental health will be much improved without him too. Good luck 💐

Do you accept he is never going to change?

So presumably the resentment will just grow and grow and your esteem get increasingly lower and all your emotional energy utterly consumed by trying to make sense of his behaviour and disregard towards you and your feelings?

You even said he will be hurt and angry if you end - not even sad!!! Just angry that you dare to say "no more".

I know he won't change. I'm sure of that now.

It's difficult when somebody always makes out like you're over reacting when you raise something, or doesn't speak to you for days on end afterwards.

I don't think he's entirely happy either, due to my lack of affection, but I think it's convenient for him. I just wish he would listen to me and learn to apologise. Not a big ask really.

TBH the silent treatment is clear emotional abuse. I think he is actually far worse than you realise.

@Sundayblues21

I know he won't change. I'm sure of that now. It's difficult when somebody always makes out like you're over reacting when you raise something, or doesn't speak to you for days on end afterwards. I don't think he's entirely happy either, due to my lack of affection, but I think it's convenient for him. I just wish he would listen to me and learn to apologise. Not a big ask really.

The thing is op, he won't change. You are clinging onto the hope he will suddenly become reasonable.

You say you worry in 5 years you'll look back and regret leaving but you are looking at it the wrong way around - you will regret staying.

You mentioned bravery, OP. What would you do if you were more brave? What is it that you're afraid will happen ifyou do that?

@Sundayblues21

Thank you for your advice. When I had my light bulb moment, I said to him that I knew this cycle would carry on, but I couldn't. I know I have to seperate the person I think he could be, from the person he shows me he is. The future without him is such a scary place. I worry for my kids (who have sen), for my future and for dh's. I just don't want to look back in 5 years time and think I royally fucked it up and caused everyone so much pain. This was supposed to be forever.

Sounds very similar, including DC with SEN. We've been backward and forward from bad to worse to ok, for years. The only time I tried to end things that I could actually tell him I was done, he twisted my words all around till I felt to blame for everything and agreed to try again. This time I'm planning to avoid that by saying something simple and non judgmental, like, "our marriage is over, you don't love me anymore and I don't ever want to be in an intimate relationship with you again. So our marriage is over and we need to work out how to move forward as co-parents in a way that minimises the disruption and hurt of our DC." If he starts asking why I'm going to just stick to repeating that I've said. I always get caught up in arguments in trying to get him to see my side, for him to acknowledge the hurt he's done. But he's never going to do that and I can't keep harming myself by trying to get back what we had or by seeking a vindication that he will never give. You don't owe him an explanation, you can just tell him you're done.

@Notagain20 if I were brave, I would have ended things long ago. I'm scared of ruining mine and my children's lives.
@LunaAndHer3Stars I feel like we are on very similar paths. It took me over a year to tell him I wanted to separate last time and the period after was so hellish that I agreed to try again on a simple "I do love you and I think we should stay together". It really does take a while to build your strength up. I wish you the very best of luck in your future x

The whole not owing an explanation again is really difficult too. It's hard to say you're ending it for all the behaviour that you've shown in the past, but that I've excused and am now finding a problem.
As awful as it sounds, sometimes I hope he will have a kick off so that I can ask him to go. I wonder is he senses that.

It's hard to say you're ending it for all the behaviour that you've shown in the past, but that I've excused and am now finding a problem.

This might feel insurmountable but it isn't.
My husband had emotional affairs for 17 years, I never excused them but they were brushed under the carpet due to his mental health and thrests of suicide.
I knew I would leave when our DD was 18 but when she was 15 I caught him again and that time I ended our marriage.

He was in shock for a long time that I did it, he couldn't believe I'd end our marriage over something he had done time and time again (even though each time I threatened to leave).
I started off trying to explain my reasons but he talked over me all the time or asked the same questions over and over. when I realised he would never see my point of view I stopped trying to explain and just used to say that it was over and nothing would change my mind.

Remember you can split up/divorce whenever you want, you don't even have to have a reason.

Your "reason" can be that you just don't want to keep trying anymore because you don't feel the same about him.

You don't have to blame his behaviour just that you aren't happy. He will blame you anyway so let him crack on focus on the prize of divorcing.

You can even stick with "I just don't like or respect you anymore". If he badgers you you can just say "behaviour like this".

Get yourself to therapy and start working on your boundaries with him and your right to end the marriage.

@Sundayblues21 sorry I didn't see your question, been sorting out my house for (hopefully) exchanging soon.

My lightbulb moment was one morning on holiday when I woke up to the silent treatment. We had a nice evening before (I thought) but I had been tired and didn't want to do something sexual that he wanted. We had still fooled around and had fun but just not done the exact thing he wanted.

For whatever reason, after more than 20 years of this I thought 'that's enough'. I knew in that moment that things would never change and that this was the rest of my life. At that time I thought that I could talk to him about it and had see how much he was hurting me and he'd want to change. I was completely wrong as when I did finally get the courage to say how I was feeling months later, he flew into a rage and accused me of all sorts. He mentioned divorce then which shocked me as I thought we could work on our relationship. He later denied ever saying that of course.

It took me another year or so (I agreed to give it another try) and months of counselling to get to the point of telling him we were really finished and I wanted a divorce. My 'enough' moment was over 3 years ago and my big regret is the time wasted in trying again.

The divorce process hasn't been smooth and I've been told how awful I am many times but the counselling has really helped and I got very good at grey rock. We were locked down together which was hell but I'm now few weeks away from finally getting away from him. He still thinks he was the best husband in the world and that I'm a terrible person but I no longer care and that's very freeing.