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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tired of this

132 replies

Sundayblues21 · 30/05/2021 09:04

Morning all,
I've just come on here for a moan really.
I am so bloody sick of dh and his selfish behaviour.
He made an expensive purchase on Friday, without mentioning it to me. Fair enough, it is nice and the kids like it, he claims he can afford it, great. This purchase led to him inviting over some family to our house yesterday.
I told him that I did actually have a few jobs that I wanted to do (he never checks if I have plans when arranging something and everything evolves around his needs and schedule) so would need his help in getting cleaned up and organised. I rushed off to go shopping for everything we needed including a gift for one of his family members that he hadn't thought about.
When I arrived home 2 hours later, having not made it to the couple of shops I had wanted to go to, I found him enjoying expensive purchase and the house still a mess.
His family arrived and he just clocked off. I spent the majority of the day prepping food, getting drinks, looking after children etc.
I began cleaning up at around 10pm as I was absolutely shattered. I said to dh that I was tired and he said he was too.

I felt bad but started making subtle hints that it was time for family to leave. The kids were clearly tired and I don't like mine being up late anyway.

They were having difficulty arranging transport and my very drunken dh just disappeared without a word off to bed, leaving me to deal with it.

I was pissed off, but not with family members as I do love seeing them, but with dh.
On top of this he had spent all day making jibes at me about how I'm not affectionate enough and don't show him love enough.
It's like he genuinely believes that he should get to do whatever he wants and I should be greatful he does anything at all and make a massive fuss of him.
We've really struggled over the last few years. We've had counselling but he believes everything is my fault so it was pointless.
I am really tempted to bring it up with him today and just say that I have found it difficult to move on from some rather unpleasant incidents, but nothing has turned me off him more than his selfish, entitled attitude. He sees me as a less important person, it's clear to me now that my needs don't come into his head, just the impact they will have on his own.

Sorry for ranting, just needed to get it out!

OP posts:
Sundayblues21 · 28/06/2021 21:23

How do you keep going ahead with a split when they make you feel so guilty and seem so hurt?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/06/2021 21:51

By knowing all he cares about is himself not you.

He refuses to be there for you and do his share. It's less work to guilt you into staying then step up and be a real partner.

Simplelifecoming · 28/06/2021 22:07

In my case @Sundayblues21 I found a great counsellor who really helped me with those feelings of guilt. I also read 'Why does He Do That' which helped me a lot when I was wobbling.

Both of these made me realise that I was right to be upset about his behaviour and that (in my case) the silent treatment, blaming and manipulation were real and I deserved better.

The divorce has been an eye opener, his true character has shone through and that has made it easier for me to keep going with no regrets.

Sundayblues21 · 29/06/2021 06:35

Thanks ladies.
In my case he spoke to me in his softest voice last night, about how we are both wrong and he doesn't understand me.

He is blaming his behaviour on me withdrawing emotionally.
I have tried explaining that has been a direct result if his words/behaviour, but he's saying it's a vicous circle.

I know that there have been many things over the years that have led to me feeling like this, not just the recent examples I've given him.

He just seemed so incredibly hurt.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/06/2021 07:07

He thought he could carry on without changing do as he pleases and you carry on putting up with it.

It really is that simple. You split and tried again and he didn't change.

Ultimately his behaviour and attitude has killed you love- death by a thousand cuts.

It's too little too late. No doubt he has used emotional manipulation before. He doesn't want to accept responsibility for not changing hence wanting to change the narrative to viscous circle.

It's all about him - his hurt, his pride, his wants.

Sundayblues21 · 29/06/2021 07:20

I know you're absolutely right. That's the kind of thing I keep trying to remind myself of.

He doesn't want this to end because he doesn't want to move and see less of his kids, which I get, not because he does in fact love and respect me Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/06/2021 07:45

I've reread some of your posts.

All of his behaviour and words are to make you STFU and this is just his latest tactic. The loving words trick worked last time so he's trying it again.

In couples counselling he told you loud and clear it's all your fault!!! He will not ever change this is who he is and his only problem is that you STFU about being unhappy at the awful way he treats you.

Get angry that he is a lazy, selfish, pathetic man and is lacking as a father and partner.

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