Tired of this

[Sundayblues21]

Morning all,
I've just come on here for a moan really.
I am so bloody sick of dh and his selfish behaviour.
He made an expensive purchase on Friday, without mentioning it to me. Fair enough, it is nice and the kids like it, he claims he can afford it, great. This purchase led to him inviting over some family to our house yesterday.
I told him that I did actually have a few jobs that I wanted to do (he never checks if I have plans when arranging something and everything evolves around his needs and schedule) so would need his help in getting cleaned up and organised. I rushed off to go shopping for everything we needed including a gift for one of his family members that he hadn't thought about.
When I arrived home 2 hours later, having not made it to the couple of shops I had wanted to go to, I found him enjoying expensive purchase and the house still a mess.
His family arrived and he just clocked off. I spent the majority of the day prepping food, getting drinks, looking after children etc.
I began cleaning up at around 10pm as I was absolutely shattered. I said to dh that I was tired and he said he was too.

I felt bad but started making subtle hints that it was time for family to leave. The kids were clearly tired and I don't like mine being up late anyway.

They were having difficulty arranging transport and my very drunken dh just disappeared without a word off to bed, leaving me to deal with it.

I was pissed off, but not with family members as I do love seeing them, but with dh.
On top of this he had spent all day making jibes at me about how I'm not affectionate enough and don't show him love enough.
It's like he genuinely believes that he should get to do whatever he wants and I should be greatful he does anything at all and make a massive fuss of him.
We've really struggled over the last few years. We've had counselling but he believes everything is my fault so it was pointless.
I am really tempted to bring it up with him today and just say that I have found it difficult to move on from some rather unpleasant incidents, but nothing has turned me off him more than his selfish, entitled attitude. He sees me as a less important person, it's clear to me now that my needs don't come into his head, just the impact they will have on his own.

Sorry for ranting, just needed to get it out!

@Sundayblues21

Can you try to come to terms with the fact that his feelings, i.e him feeling ''hurt and down'' come as a consequence of him treating you badly, and NOT CARING when YOU were 'hurt and down' ????

You need to keep reminding yourself that YOU did NOT do this !! He DID !

If he had treated you with the bloody basic respect, consideration and concern for your feelings, you wouldn't be wanting to get a divorce, would you !

I know and I do keep trying to remind myself of that.

We spoke yesterday and he was placing alot of blame at my door for driving him to his actions as I'm so difficult.
It's hard not to listen to that.
I would usually try and fix this by now by being super wife. That's my natural reaction and it is really tough to suppress it.

Hi op, your husband will try all manner of things to keep the status quo.

That means him getting his own way without changing or giving up any of his entitlements. His selfishness is so engrained that he believes you are being nasty, and why wouldn't he ? you have run arround pandering to his needs forever and what has he given you in return ? nothing, no love or respect, he is an ingrate.

You will not change this belief, he won't magically change into a reasonable person, you know this. His only tactic is to bully, intimidate and guilt you into submission. Absolutely take no notice of this stupid little man, see him for what he is, an selfish idiot who hasn't the sense even to back down and make ammends even though he on the brink of losing everything.

Unfortunately these types are so 'fixed' that it's usually impossible for them to change their ways.
Toughen up, you deserve to be heard and considered in your marriage and it is not your problem if he is unable to understand that.
Do not allow yourself to become fearful of him, detatch, and don't bite when he insults you.
How fucking dare he , after you all you have done, he will never appreciate what you have done until he loses it, thats a fact.

What I don't like is him bullying you.
It's an abusive dynamic.

Do not doubt your decision it's clear he doesn't accept any responsibility for his behaviour or attitude ever.

Keep on keeping on

By the way, he is upping the anti, I can hear the fear and desparation in your voice rising.

His plan is working, please try to keep away from him, discussions are pointless at the moment, just say I cannot talk at the moment if you wish to understand why I am feeling like this consider going to councelling because I cannot get through to you, I have tried.

Get your ducks in a row privately, do not talk financials with him, and if he accuses you of abuse with the children again call his bluff and state they can live with him.

Just agree with him, his nonsense is not worth listening to.
Get used to standing up for yourself, remain calm and quiet, detatch and cut yourself off emotionally as you would an enemy.

Stop pandering, it becomes easier the more you apply it.

Thanks for the support and encouragement. I really appreciate it.
I know he will start making the right noises soon. That's when I really need to remind myself that it won't last and will just revert to this.

I really hate when he brings up my mental health in a negative way. I admit that I do get anxiety (no other things which he seems to imply), but it doesn't stop me from working, taking care of him, the house or the kids. The way he weaponises it makes me uneasy.

Of course you're anxious, you live with him.

He's hardly been kind, caring and considerate of your feelings. Why would you expect him to heal your mental health when he is the one who damaged it.

Try to bear in mind the more visably anxious you get, the happier it makes him as he knows he's he's getting to you and he will be waiting for you to break. Just like all of the many many other times he has brought you to this point.
Try to stay calm cool and disconnected no matter how you feel inside.

And of course he wants you to SUBMIT.

All those women who are accused of being a nightmare or of being bitter and twisted are the ones that have had enough of eating shit.

No notice of men who bully you into submission, they have had it their own way for too long. Of course you will be told you are a horrible woman, they know what they are doing.

Back in the box women.

Tell him you are incompatible. Repeat. Agree with him, yes, you cause me anxiety. Yes, my mental health is not good with you. Your treatment of me is not good to my mental health.
Have you stopped cooking, cleaning and doing other stuff for him yet?

When you take back control and go on strike if you like, with your abuser, or just not give him the satisfaction of reacting in your normal way, all these micro actions give you back control.

Don't forget what he says to you or how he treats you. Use that to protect yourself. Withdraw into a cocoon if self love. Understand he is toxic to your mental health.

Your body and soul now reacts to him like a rash or a bad allergy. You have an allergic reaction to being in his company and being badly treated by him.

Your body is trying to protect you from his damaging influence by screaming at you that this is not right, this is toxic.

He is having a terrible influence in your home life and creating a toxic atmosphere which is bad for your DC to grow up in.

Only you can do protect them from it. Please end it with him op, you know it's the only way.

If you are so anxious and your MH is so bad to live with why does he want to stay with you?

You're all right.

I think he is doing it to get me to shut up and everything back to normal. It won't be happening this time.
@Newstaronhorizon what you said really resonates with me. It's like my body has had a physical response to him. I love him, but can't imagine ever being intimate with him again. I just don't trust him.
I am still doing domestic things, I know he would think I was really petty if I stop. I'm trying to minimiee the atmosphere at home too so am being friendly with him.
I need to ask if he's started looking for somewhere to live soon. That should go down well!
I have a counselling session tonight so hopefully that will give me a little much needed clarity.

@RandomMess I have asked him the same. He has said he doesn't trust me with the kids, as I may take my anxiety out on them! I pointed out that if he were so concerned about my mental health (which is not bad, I just get nervous and jittery) why has he not tried to ease some of the pressure on me.
It's really hurtful to imply that I would do anything but love and support the kids. They are my world. It feels like a really low blow.

Stay strong, OP. Use it as an opportunity to see what will happen if you don't cave in to your super wife tendencies. Will he crack? If he has any love or respect for you, he will see how much pain you are in and want to comfort you in some way eventually. I suspect if he never gets to that point, you have your answer and you know you deserve so much better.

Please stop doing all his laundry etc

Where is the incentive for him to move out whilst you are doing everything?

You can live separately within the same house. Yes the atmosphere will be horrid BUT he will know you are serious and no more 5* treatment will make the effort of moving out more appealing.

It's so hard to make the decision to leave. I feel that you need to formulate a plan about how to leave, finances etc etc so that you have some confidence in how you can progress in practical terms. You are using so much energy thinking about him, his reactions, his opinion on you... He's a horrible person who treats you appallingly, his views are worth nothing. It's was to say, but try to detach, let his views wash over you, don't react. Hang on to the core of you that knows your life for you and your children without him is the right thing and try to let this give you strength

1 in 3 people have mental health issues, if he has any concerns about your ability to look after the children then why hasn't he tried to help or spoken to someone about it? He's using it as a stick to beat you with, ignore him.

I'd also prepare yourself for the, I'll have the kids with me, or 50/50, which again he will never do as he's far too lazy. However I would agree to the 50/50, tell him it's a great idea as it'll give you the chance to see friends again, further your career, take up new hobbies etc. I did this with my ex and he soon changed his tune. He thought he could use it as leverage and soon back tracked

It's like you all know him personally!
Such good advice on here.

I am trying to detach and give less head space to him and what he thinks.

I just feel terribly guilty about it all.
He clearly didn't think I would ever end things, not that I did either.
I've shared so much of my life with him, it's strange to think I can operate without his needs being paramount.
I just need the penny to drop that he has to be the one to move out.
I appreciate the ongoing support x

Why do you care what he thinks?!
Stop doing his laundry! So what if he thinks it's petty?!

Say calmly, we are splitting up so it's best for us to start as we mean to go on.

Do not get worn down by his arguments and gaslighting. That is how he gets under your skin and causes toxins in your body and mind!!

He is pure poison so treat him that way. Protect yourself and stop caring about someone who wants to be your pet scorpion type creature and is poisoning you and you are maintaining him and looking after him!!

How can you detach? I heard the best way is to view him as a huge scorpiony leech x cockroach every time you look or think of him.

Can you visualise that op?

Everything thing he says and does is designed to make you feel bad and he has got it down to a fine art as you are dancing to his tune and react in a predictable way which makes you like the proverbial sad and abused dancing bear who has to dance at the smallest yank of the chain.

Just stop op.

He knows you are easy to manipulate.

One negative word from him has you scurrying back in your box.

You don't have to be the victim if you don't want to be. He has psychologically beaten you down and you actually care what he thinks and says which is your ball and chain.

As soon as your head gets round to the idea that actually, he is an ugly poisonous leech x coakroach with feelers that sense your presence and spews a poisonous cloud of cyanide with each interaction but actually he has no power to do that really, you believe he has that power and that is enough.

Only then can you cut the chains that bind you to him.

Think of your happy future without his constant goading and cruelty and work towards that goal.

You can do it.

He will use whatever he can against you. Using your anxiety is a low blow. Telling you he doesn’t trust you with the dc is vicious. He’s the one who can’t be bothered and believe me, he might talk about fighting for custody, but everything you’ve said on here indicates that he is far too lazy to bother with them. You appear to be doing all the domestic/childcare related work. That won’t change if you split. He treats you like a drudge. 😢 Please see a solicitor and forge ahead with a divorce. He’s horrible.

@Sundayblues21y I completely understand why you haven't stopped doing things for him, I was exactly the same. It was so traumatic to admit that I wanted out of the marriage and 'keeping the peace' was the norm for me so I carried on with the laundry, food shopping, cooking and other things.

I changed this over time. I started with cooking and told him I'd cook for me and DCs and he could sort himself out. He was shocked and appalled at first but had to do it as I refused. This led to him doing his own food shopping (online for delivery) and then I told him to do his own laundry. It took time but one by one I made him do things for himself.

The thing I kept saying was that as far as I was concerned we were separated now, despite being under the same roof temporarily, so we should act like separated people and look after ourselves.

He was grumpy, huffy, argumentative, played the victim and at times was downright unpleasant but I kept saying 'but we're separated now, things have to change' and we got there in the end.

Thank you again for the replies ladies.
I am feeling pretty rubbish today. My anxiety is quite bad, I can feel it in my chest, like my insides are shaking. I think it's from pure sadness at this situation.

I think you're right on the 50/50 front. He won't want to do that level of day to day work. What set up do other people have? I am so worried about having to co parents with somebody so difficult.

I am working on detaching. Dh asked if I would go out as a family with sil and family tomorrow. I'm going to say no. I know he won't like it but I just don't have it in me ti pretend to that degree. It's hard enough at home and at work, I can't put on a show to that extent.

@Simplelifecoming that seems like a good tactic. He won't like it either so softly softly may work best. How long did you live together after the split? Did you manage to get along? Did he leave?

This all happened just before lockdown @Sundayblues21 and I'm still here. It took me so long to start divorce proceedings that we're only just selling our house. Maybe I should have just 'ripped off the plaster' but it took me ages to feel strong enough.

We have got along I suppose, we live separate lives and come and go as we please. We've settled into a kind of routine but it helps that our DCs are adults and have their own lives too.

Every now and then something flares up and he berates me about how awful I am and how much of a victim he is and it's pretty horrible so I wouldn't recommend living in the same house together any longer than absolutely necessary.

I'm now hopefully a few weeks away from the house being sold and finally getting away from him, it seems like a dream and I can't wait.

Absolutely don't go out with SIL.

Tell work what is going on, why do you need to pretend there that everything is ok?

Usual is every other weekend from Friday after school to Monday morning. That may feel like a long time to you but you need those three nights to have respite, recover and build a new life etc. Decent fathers also want one overnight each week on a Tuesday or Wednesday but leave him to ask for that. Also half the school holidays - helps with childcare if nothing else!

@Simplelifecoming that sounds tough going. My kids are only young so I'm really worried about the impact on them. You must be really looking forward to having your own space and being able to be at peace in your own home.
@RandomMess yeah I really don't want to go so will be declining and suggesting he takes kids himself.
I have told one colleague and she has been amazing. I just find it hard to talk about in real life. Everything feels like such a sham.