Tired of this

[Sundayblues21]

Morning all,
I've just come on here for a moan really.
I am so bloody sick of dh and his selfish behaviour.
He made an expensive purchase on Friday, without mentioning it to me. Fair enough, it is nice and the kids like it, he claims he can afford it, great. This purchase led to him inviting over some family to our house yesterday.
I told him that I did actually have a few jobs that I wanted to do (he never checks if I have plans when arranging something and everything evolves around his needs and schedule) so would need his help in getting cleaned up and organised. I rushed off to go shopping for everything we needed including a gift for one of his family members that he hadn't thought about.
When I arrived home 2 hours later, having not made it to the couple of shops I had wanted to go to, I found him enjoying expensive purchase and the house still a mess.
His family arrived and he just clocked off. I spent the majority of the day prepping food, getting drinks, looking after children etc.
I began cleaning up at around 10pm as I was absolutely shattered. I said to dh that I was tired and he said he was too.

I felt bad but started making subtle hints that it was time for family to leave. The kids were clearly tired and I don't like mine being up late anyway.

They were having difficulty arranging transport and my very drunken dh just disappeared without a word off to bed, leaving me to deal with it.

I was pissed off, but not with family members as I do love seeing them, but with dh.
On top of this he had spent all day making jibes at me about how I'm not affectionate enough and don't show him love enough.
It's like he genuinely believes that he should get to do whatever he wants and I should be greatful he does anything at all and make a massive fuss of him.
We've really struggled over the last few years. We've had counselling but he believes everything is my fault so it was pointless.
I am really tempted to bring it up with him today and just say that I have found it difficult to move on from some rather unpleasant incidents, but nothing has turned me off him more than his selfish, entitled attitude. He sees me as a less important person, it's clear to me now that my needs don't come into his head, just the impact they will have on his own.

Sorry for ranting, just needed to get it out!

@Simplelifecoming has it - these men will never understand your point of view. They will believe they’re great husbands and that you broke the family up. Not them and their selfish, lazy, unkind behaviour. They have no empathy, and they don’t care about anyone but themselves. The point is, their opinions don’t matter here. Their ACTIONS do! Now your oldest dc is being aggressive towards you @Sundayblues21 your h probably finds this amusing. But this really is a very loud warning that it’s time to remove yourself and your children from his toxic presence. Legal advice should be your first stop, and counselling for you with reference to your oldest dc too. Time to put you and the kids in first place.

@Sundayblues21

I think to a certain extent I am, or at least I was. I feel bad as I agreed to try again but I end up so bitterly disappointed in his treatment of me and his lack of care and support towards me. I need to have an honest discussion with him but he's so difficult it makes it almost impossible. He's just going to tell me what a mental, unreasonable person I am and how I don't try hard enough. It's happened so often that I can't help but question it too.

YOU don’t try hard enough???

Go back and read your first post Op.

Come on. You did everything and he did sweet FA. And it sounds like that’s the way it’s always been. He’s taking the absolute piss. I appreciate it’s very difficult because, as you said, this is all you’ve ever known. But you really don’t have to put up with this shit. I agree, you going to counselling by yourself, is a very good first step. As is stopping doing everything you are currently doing which you outlined in your first post.

I'm not convinced these men don't understand.

They think your role is to facilitate their life and you should be grateful for it, they don't care you are exhausted and unhappy. They pay lip service to stop you leaving because they don't wan to do the work themselves!!!

He's not going to change. Why would he? He is getting what he wants. Despite counselling, he has shown no interest in stopping the selfish behaviour so why would he suddenly change now?

Do not waste any more time with this man. When you tell him you're leaving, do not reason with him or he will just put up arguments to persuade you to stay. It is enough that you are not happy so you want to end the relationship . He cannot argue with how you feel.

Sorry for not replying. Thank you all for your support and advice. It has given me alot to think about. I am now building up the strength to tell him that I'm not happy and this is not a relationship I want anymore.

I know that he will blame me and have made peace with that.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your experiences.

Sending love and support your way. Hope you're ok xx

I'd ditch him right now and not waste any more years on him so you can start living your best life.
He won't much like being dumped with the kids 50/50 and having to clean up his own mess.

Hi again everyone.

I've had a post under another name but have come back to this as you were all so supportive.
Dh and I had a big disagreement on Friday over the way he treats me and things he says to me.

When I objectified to a sexual advance he absolutely lost it and said some horrible, horrible things to me.

We have barely spoken since. He was so nasty.

There are some behaviours you can't ignore or forget and I have reached that point now.

He is avoiding me and I think is going to be really difficult again at the suggestion of separation.

I could really use some ideas on how to approach this.
I know now that I can't change his opinion of me, but I can chose not to share my life with someone who has so very little respect for me, as scary a prospect as that is.

A simple “ I can’t do this anymore, we are done.” Is all you need to say .
His behaviour indicates that he is not happy either.
Good luck

Thanks.
No he can't be happy. It would appear he dislikes me me alot unfortunately

Op I learned early on that you'll not get any agreement from them to separate, and they assume this means you won't do it .
Seriously give up any chance of being reasonable about this and just do it.
Actions speak louder than words - prepare yourself for major fireworks when he realises he's not getting his way . Forewarned is for armed as they say !
You really only have 2 choices and that is his way or your way . Take the second one and good luck !

I know how scary it is OP, I felt the same way and got so stressed about telling him how I felt that I was crying at the smallest thing and in a state of fear all the time. Counselling helped me to realise that it is OK for me to want something just because it's best for me. I had been so used to putting everyone else first that it felt incredibly selfish and mean to say what I wanted.

It isn't selfish and mean, nor is it disloyal (another strong emotion I had to deal with) it's what I needed to do to save myself.

It is hard to say the words but very liberating (after the initial panic) when it's out there. It took my STBXH a while to accept it and he tried to talk me into changing my mind quite a few times over the next couple of months but I just kept saying that separating would be best for me. He eventually got it but I did have to put up with a lot of rage, then coaxing, then rage again, then coldness - you know the script.

I just kept thinking, now I've said I want out I can stick to that plan and one day it will be over. I'm now a couple of weeks from not having to live with him anymore and I'm so glad I stayed strong. You can too OP, this is no life for you. Sending hugs.

Thanks for the comments.
During his rage on Friday he said that he should have left me last year (during our brief separation), but he didn't.
I think I am very convenient for him and that's what he doesn't want to lose.
I am very worried though as he said he didn't leave as he didn't trust me with the kids, to not bully them like I do him and that I am abusive.
I don't believe that is true and if it was, why doesn't he step up and take care of them more, rather than leaving everything to me?
My nerves are shot. I feel sick to my stomach and like I am on the verge of a panic attack all the time.
I feel so sorry for my kids in all this. What a failure.

Try not to get into any discussions about it. Simply go to see a solicitor who specialises in divorce/family law and find out out where you stand and what you have to do. That knowledge is power and makes you feel more in control and not so panicky. Get your ducks in row as they say here on MN! Ignore all the nasty comments re you being a bully to your kids, you know he’s nasty and just saying the things he thinks will hurt you most. A bully in fact! Walk away if he starts on you. Get you passports in a safe place, marriage certificate, if you have a joint bank account maybe transfer your half to your own account. I’m sure all the experts will be along to off brilliant advice on the details! Good luck op, better days to come 💐

He really does just want the convenience of you being there to be nanny, housekeeper and host doesn't he?

Don't discuss it with him just consult a few solicitors find a Shit Hot one and put the wheels in motion to divorce him.

Just get rid of him op, he sounds like a selfish, disrespectful arsehole

Start as you mean to go on. View him and what he says in a detached way. Stop doing his laundry, don't cook for him and don't engage. Do nothing for him at all, no reaction or imagine putting on a suit of armour beft dealing with him!

I know what you're all saying about detaching.

It's so hard to do when I have spent the last 15 years putting his feelings and needs above my own and far too much time running around after him!
We still haven't spoken about things. This is what usually happens. He will give me the silent treatment until I can't take the atmosphere and frantically starting to fix things like I'm auditioning for the wife of the year award.
Pathetic really

How about just not doing that then? If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.....a nasty, lazy manipulative slug. Paste on a smile and just let him sulk. And in the meantime, please make an appointment with that solicitor!

I am struggling today. I just feel so lost in all of this. I just want him to leave but know it's going to be difficult and this sadness and anxiety are awful.
I had a sudden bereavement last year and now I've lost my marriage too.
I feel like such a failure that I couldn't fix this or just live with it anymore.
He is going to hate me and I worry that will rub off on the kids.
I have made an appointment with a counsellor for tomorrow though so that's something.
I am due an inheritance, which he wants part of as he said last time he won't leave unless I give him money.
I didn't want to do that unless it's part of the divorce settlement incase he stitches me up.
I don't want to rush into divorce and would rather we just separated at the minute to give me time to breath and build up some strength.
I'm so worn down with everything.
Sorry for moaning again.

Keep your inheritance entirely separate Do not spend ANY or give any to him. If it is not used on "family" things then it is not usually/always considered a marital asset.

You could buy yourself a car that he never sets foot in or is insured to drive. Please seek urgent financial advice from a divorce solicitor regarding this.

The inheritance is why he wanted to get back with you.

I know how tough the place you are in is. All of your last post - it was me.

Great speaking to a councellor!

What I did was keep a log of positives for me to read when his influence was getting in my head. Some of mine were:

I am a great mum - he can't take that away from you
I am strong - you won't believe this one to start with but I promise that you are
Knowledge is power - contact a solicitor - a good one will hold your hand through the whole thing

Gently said, stop moaning, take action. We are all behind you.

Thanks for the comments.

He didn't stay with me for inheritance. My df passed unexpectedly after we had agreed to try again.

He wanted money to unofficially buy him out but I didn't have it. I don't want to do that in any kind of unofficial way though.
We've always kept seperate finances so I am hoping that would go in my favour in a settlement situation.

Good idea about keeping a log of things.
I am just doubting my decision.
He messaged me earlier and honestly expected me to resolve the issue. He is blaming me entirely. I am trying not to get into a blame situation and have simply stated that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me. He hasn't claimed that he does, just blamed me for his outburst and asked when the last time he abused me was before this time

Feeling rubbish today. I've told him again and he seems so hurt and down. The guilt is awful and I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing or should just suck it up and hope things improve.

You don't have to suggest to him you separate, he doesn't get a choice in the matter.

It will be awful and difficult, but the end result will be worth it.

Speak to a solicitor soon, you can then legally separate and you can put things in place to legally protect your inheritance. Do you think you'd df would want this man to deny you your inheritance?