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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

John learns to adult

806 replies

R0SEMARY · 30/05/2021 00:12

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 25/07/2021 17:10

So lovely to hear that you are happier. It really is empowering when you realise how constrained you have been, and are no longer once they've gone!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/07/2021 17:28

I hadn’t realised how stressful it was living with him until it stopped

I SO vividly remember waking up one morning a few weeks (of crying and ruminating) after breaking up with an abusive ex I had a totally toxic dynamic with and bursting out laughing the second I opened my eyes and realised I was at home alone. Uncontrollable laughter. Just to myself, grinning.

It was an overwhelming rush of pure joy, freedom, alone in my bed with nobody to answer to and nobody to regulate the mood of but me. I ordered food in and ate in in bed watching my favourite stuff on my laptop. And I fucking loved it.

You sound so brilliant @R0SEMARY and I'm so pleased you're away from this fool! Well done Thanks

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/07/2021 22:50

I remember realising how stressed I had been after he was gone. Boiled frog syndrome, it gets gradually worse until you are almost breaking under the strain and then when its gone, you wonder how the hell you survived it.

I feel so light these days I honestly think that I could take off like a helium ballloon!

SpringCrocus · 25/07/2021 22:57

Oh god yes, the first week after I left abusive first XH, 40 years ago, I felt giddy. with the lack of stress!

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/07/2021 23:16

Giddy....perfect word!

Like being a kid at a fair who has been given unlimited amounts of money to do whatever the hell they like with!

AcrossthePond55 · 26/07/2021 00:20

My 'freedom moment' was 'The Hairpin Incident'.

I was at the shop after I kicked exH out and there were some 'fancy' hairpins for sale. This was back in the late '70s so Disco fashion ruled and fancy hair ornaments were all the rage. Oh, I wanted some! But something told me I wasn't 'worth them', that I didn't 'deserve' them.

Then suddenly I realized that I COULD have them if I wanted to, in fact I could buy anything I wanted and no one would take me to task for 'wasting money' or tell me I wasn't 'worth' having them. It took my breath away.

I threw them in the basket (still feeling a little guilty) and went to pay for them, still half believing someone would 'challenge me' for buying them. By the time I got to my car I was feeling so proud of myself as well as another feeling, freedom. I was free and I never looked back.

I still have one of those hairpins, 40 + years later. And every so often I'll take it out, look at it, and smile.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2021 00:23

@AcrossthePond55

My 'freedom moment' was 'The Hairpin Incident'.

I was at the shop after I kicked exH out and there were some 'fancy' hairpins for sale. This was back in the late '70s so Disco fashion ruled and fancy hair ornaments were all the rage. Oh, I wanted some! But something told me I wasn't 'worth them', that I didn't 'deserve' them.

Then suddenly I realized that I COULD have them if I wanted to, in fact I could buy anything I wanted and no one would take me to task for 'wasting money' or tell me I wasn't 'worth' having them. It took my breath away.

I threw them in the basket (still feeling a little guilty) and went to pay for them, still half believing someone would 'challenge me' for buying them. By the time I got to my car I was feeling so proud of myself as well as another feeling, freedom. I was free and I never looked back.

I still have one of those hairpins, 40 + years later. And every so often I'll take it out, look at it, and smile.

Oh dear, I seem to be sweating from my eyes....
AcrossthePond55 · 26/07/2021 00:46

@PyongyangKipperbang

No eyeball sweat please. Those are just 'liquid sparkles'.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 00:54

@AcrossthePond55

My 'freedom moment' was 'The Hairpin Incident'.

I was at the shop after I kicked exH out and there were some 'fancy' hairpins for sale. This was back in the late '70s so Disco fashion ruled and fancy hair ornaments were all the rage. Oh, I wanted some! But something told me I wasn't 'worth them', that I didn't 'deserve' them.

Then suddenly I realized that I COULD have them if I wanted to, in fact I could buy anything I wanted and no one would take me to task for 'wasting money' or tell me I wasn't 'worth' having them. It took my breath away.

I threw them in the basket (still feeling a little guilty) and went to pay for them, still half believing someone would 'challenge me' for buying them. By the time I got to my car I was feeling so proud of myself as well as another feeling, freedom. I was free and I never looked back.

I still have one of those hairpins, 40 + years later. And every so often I'll take it out, look at it, and smile.

this is wonderful 🥺 such a lovely turning point and Im glad you still have them 🌸

pointythings · 26/07/2021 09:10

My freedom moment came two days after my husband was taken from the marital home by the police (and no, dear reader - he was not ever allowed back!).

I heard DD1 singing in the shower and realised she hadn't done that in years. There were liquid sparkles. Also much joy.

Orgasmagorical · 26/07/2021 09:16

Liquid sparkles, I love that Smile

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 26/07/2021 10:12

Liquid sparkles 💕💕

KnightandDay · 26/07/2021 10:47

Oh @R0SEMARY that post was both heartbreaking and uplifting. It is terribly sad to think how people you once thought of as family disappear overnight, but you sound so strong, and so full of hope and happiness!! Best wishes for a life full of everything you want!

MrsRockAndRoll · 26/07/2021 11:51

Amazing update!

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 26/07/2021 13:26

KOKO, R0semary, you are an inspiration.

noideawhatusernametochoose · 26/07/2021 21:00

R0semary , you're just a complete inspiration. Enjoy your freedom. And say Fuck whenever you want to Grin

Your children are adapting well, it must be a massive relief for them too.

billy1966 · 26/07/2021 21:27

@AcrossthePond55

My 'freedom moment' was 'The Hairpin Incident'.

I was at the shop after I kicked exH out and there were some 'fancy' hairpins for sale. This was back in the late '70s so Disco fashion ruled and fancy hair ornaments were all the rage. Oh, I wanted some! But something told me I wasn't 'worth them', that I didn't 'deserve' them.

Then suddenly I realized that I COULD have them if I wanted to, in fact I could buy anything I wanted and no one would take me to task for 'wasting money' or tell me I wasn't 'worth' having them. It took my breath away.

I threw them in the basket (still feeling a little guilty) and went to pay for them, still half believing someone would 'challenge me' for buying them. By the time I got to my car I was feeling so proud of myself as well as another feeling, freedom. I was free and I never looked back.

I still have one of those hairpins, 40 + years later. And every so often I'll take it out, look at it, and smile.

Great story.👏

Your relief is palpable OP. Enjoy.

mathanxiety · 26/07/2021 21:33

.....

Justilou1 · 30/07/2021 03:54

@R0SEMARY - I’m still married, but when my MIL was especially vile to my kids and me and my DH insisted on minimizing it so that he could continue to romanticize her, I handed over all responsibility for kinds of contact and birthdays and Christmas, etc. for his side of the family to him. Of course they have never received a card or a present since. (I love my SIL who has a similar relationship with MIL so I send “random” gift cards to DN’s who know they’re from me. I ring them all (BIL loathes his mum too) and have a great relationship there. He did on occasion asked why I didn’t but his mother a birthday or Christmas present, but not for years…. “She called our 12 year old daughter a slut, don’t you remember?” but that quickly stopped. 😏
I can assure you that over time, all that space that was filled with “their” things will be used for yours. Now that you’re no longer his nanny, serf, PA and whipping boy, you will discover time to find out what YOU enjoy from life. You will be less exhausted and stressed because you won’t bear the emotional weight of their judgement or his if you drop the ball occasionally. You will accept yourself for being a fallible human and forgive yourself too.

Grrrpredictivetex · 09/08/2021 11:15

@R0SEMARY how are you doing?

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 12/08/2021 15:27

Not looking for news, R0semary, but you popped into my head. I hope you are finding your feet and life is feeling more your own since you last posted.

Am still inspired by you. KOKO.

noideawhatusernametochoose · 20/08/2021 10:56

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Not looking for news, R0semary, but you popped into my head. I hope you are finding your feet and life is feeling more your own since you last posted.

Am still inspired by you. KOKO.

Same here - wondering how you are getting on, R0semary. I hope life is good.
Original poster
R0SEMARY · 22/08/2021 17:11

Hi everyone, sorry I have been AWOL but was away on holiday and decided to take a break from the internet to clear my head a bit.

We all had an AMAZING time. It was just me and the two younger kids as the oldest decided to go away with his mates instead. We had two interconnecting rooms so I had enough space and privacy from them. It was lovely to have no fights or arguments for two whole weeks - such a contrast to past holidays.

I feel it was another big step forward in clearing John out of my head. As you know, getting him out of the house was only the first step.

The kids are doing ok. Youngest and oldest still don’t want to stay at their dad’s overnight although have been for dinner a few times. Middle child has done two overnights in the 3 months.

John has finally realised that if he doesn’t make the effort to see his kids, he won’t see his kids. He’s had so much parenting done for him for most of his life , I don’t think he even knows where to start.

Eg he never called / messaged them on holiday to ask how they were getting on. He doesn’t ask about their lives or their friends. He doesn’t send snap chats or what’s apps.

He assumes that it’s their job to phone him up and arrange to visit him. But they don’t - of course they don’t. He wasn’t really part of their lives when he lived here because he was always too busy. And now they are too busy for him.

John has found a short term niche by offering to take middle child out for driving practice, so that way he sees him two nights a week for an hour or so. Time will tell what happens after DS passes his test.

John has now decided to furnish the children’s bedrooms in his house and buy some bedlinen. After only 3 months Hmm.

He has also painted one of the bedrooms - this is a HUGE surprise as he has never as much as lifted a paint brush in all the time I have known him. I did all the DIY that I could and we got in contractors to do the rest.

Part of me feels that John is getting what he deserves after being a useless father for 20 years. But my head I know that it’s better for the children in the long term to have some kind of relationship with him.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 22/08/2021 17:18

Good to hear you had such a good holiday and that you and the children are doing well, Rosemary Smile

Good to hear John's finally getting on with making things more suitable for his children but I'm not surprised to hear he could do better.

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 22/08/2021 17:38

Emotionally I am doing fine. I’ve not had one single moment when I’ve missed him or regretted him leaving. I honestly haven’t. Whenever I see him or think of him I’m just so glad that he’s gone.

I know that this makes me weird. I’ve read enough threads on MN from women in my position to know that usually people have nights of crying into their pillow, being lonely and remembering “ all the good time “. All I remember is the shit times and when they pop into my head I just give thanks that I don’t have to live like that anymore.

I feel free at last. I hadn’t realised how stressful it was living with him. We all feel so much more relaxed without all the rows and shouting. We all crept around trying not to annoy him. Everything was determined by his wants and his moods.

Socially I don’t do much expect work and look after the kids, but I think that will change as we hopefully come out of lockdown .

I’m usually a very private person and in the past would have been reluctant to tell anyone about “the failure of my marriage “. But I think this thread has helped me be more open and feel less judged. So I’ve gradually been telling our mutual friends / wider social circle as I see people.

To my great surprise, John appears to have told no one. Even people he knows much better than I do. I can’t figure this out as when he told the kids he was full of “ Be happy for me! I’m starting a new life when I’m free to be with someone I love and trust “.

I thought he would have fed this line to everyone. You know the whole “it’s perfectly amicable, we are still best friends but we have grown apart, she’s happy for me “ .

I saw one mutual friend today who had a long conversation with John recently and she was really shocked that he has never mentioned It. She then proceeded to tell me how tough it had been after she took back her own husband after his affair and how lucky I was to not have that reminder every day and how her kids still haven’t got over it.

I felt so sad for her .

Everyone I’ve told has been lovely and I’ve only had one bitchy comment ( from a man I hardly know so who cares ). I was prepared to be dropped by mutual friends but lots have invited me over or the woman (in a couple ) has said let’s get together soon etc.

I’ve been very discreet and have said nothing except the bare facts that he’s left and is living in X town. I don’t want to say more that that for the kids sake, not his.

OP posts: