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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

John learns to adult

806 replies

R0SEMARY · 30/05/2021 00:12

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 30/06/2021 15:37

Justilou, I have actually done that. When my H left all his half dirty clothes in piles around the house, having asked & explained & cajoled with no effect. I picked them all up & threw them out of the veranda doors...
He was dumbfounded, simply didnt follow why I would do it.
"I said I'm done explaining, I live here to, & am not going to live in a shit hole anymore." He improved a lot ...
My DS saw this final pressure cooker moment & improved alot after this show!
God it was cathartic.

Justilou1 · 30/06/2021 16:08

@Mix56 - good to know I’m in with a chance!!! Will collect and bag his crap up now so it’s nice and ripe for his return. 😏😏😏

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2021 19:44

[quote Justilou1]@Mix56 - good to know I’m in with a chance!!! Will collect and bag his crap up now so it’s nice and ripe for his return. 😏😏😏[/quote]
Ohh yes! And be sure to use a nice plastic trash bag with a good solid tie. Preferably one of those (nasty) heavily scented ones.

Nothing like the combination of ripe sports kit mixed with that heavy artificial 'lemon fresh' or 'fresh air' scent.

Mix56 · 30/06/2021 20:10

Oh, I didnt bother with a bag, I just lobbed his stuff out of the window.. after all if he didnt give a shit, why should I ?

Justilou1 · 01/07/2021 01:31

I would, but I don’t want it cluttering up the verandah until the end of August when he gets back from Japan and quarantine hotel. It can stay in a bag under his desk until the day he’s due back.

ememem84 · 05/07/2021 15:06

@Justilou1

I would, but I don’t want it cluttering up the verandah until the end of August when he gets back from Japan and quarantine hotel. It can stay in a bag under his desk until the day he’s due back.
love it

i've started leaving dh's clean stuff in a basket in the garage under the "spider table"

i am mostly responsible for laundry. him for food shops and meal planning and cooking.

ladybee28 · 05/07/2021 16:52

This thread's been nominated for Classics, right?

MNHQ?

Crikeyalmighty · 05/07/2021 18:37

My Hs T shirts are apparently all shrinking due to our tumble drier said in a casual passive aggressive way by someone who has never ever used the washer or drier in 26 years— — it is not of course the fact he has acquired quite a gut during covid — I have too, but at least I don’t try and blame the tumble drier for tight clothes.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/07/2021 18:46

@R0SEMARY. I realised something had badly gone wrong in our relationship when husband started getting incredibly pedantic about very nice posh houses we rent , quality of washing machines etc , ironically ones he never used as I was around for laundry duties (still am) whereas when I met him 26 years ago he was greatful just to have a washer . Problem is a bit of success has changed him, but not me

Musmerian · 05/07/2021 20:02

@Mix56 - I did this. Started by chucking dirty sports kit out of the window and it was so cathartic that I emptied the chest of drawers. DH had to sheepishly go I to the front garden with a bin bag to collect his clothes. Not sure it’s has a long term impact though.

Beancounter1 · 05/07/2021 21:21

Just stopped by to wish you well Rosemary. You are doing great.

Justilou1 · 05/07/2021 23:25

I love how we’re all equally enraged by the laundry. Mine has had photos taken of the piles of laundry I have collected and the bin bags they’ve been shoved into, and then photos of them under his desk along with more piles of dirty clothes from his “home gym” which has taken over my garage. (There was no discussion about that either, btw.) My DS and I spent several hours lugging heavy gym equipment back to the other side of the fucking garage so I can park my car in it. He was dumb enough to ask how I thought he was supposed to walk around his equipment when he was using it. I said that I could resolve problem by the time he got home by selling most of it, as he only ever uses the fucking treadmill, and that’s very rarely. (He is an elite strength and conditioning coach and he works in gyms every day, btw…) This is the same man who has his desk set up downstairs in the living room and objected to me doing the same for the kids during our five week lockdown because it was “too disruptive”. That went well for him, not. I have asked him where MY space in the house is. I would like some of my own please. He has the whole of downstairs, half of the garage, some of my side of the garage, some of my side of the wardrobe, etc…. Where do I get to claim as my own? My bedroom is shared with him and he leaves his shit everywhere. I’m over it.

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 23:46

@Justilou1

I love how we’re all equally enraged by the laundry. Mine has had photos taken of the piles of laundry I have collected and the bin bags they’ve been shoved into, and then photos of them under his desk along with more piles of dirty clothes from his “home gym” which has taken over my garage. (There was no discussion about that either, btw.) My DS and I spent several hours lugging heavy gym equipment back to the other side of the fucking garage so I can park my car in it. He was dumb enough to ask how I thought he was supposed to walk around his equipment when he was using it. I said that I could resolve problem by the time he got home by selling most of it, as he only ever uses the fucking treadmill, and that’s very rarely. (He is an elite strength and conditioning coach and he works in gyms every day, btw…) This is the same man who has his desk set up downstairs in the living room and objected to me doing the same for the kids during our five week lockdown because it was “too disruptive”. That went well for him, not. I have asked him where MY space in the house is. I would like some of my own please. He has the whole of downstairs, half of the garage, some of my side of the garage, some of my side of the wardrobe, etc…. Where do I get to claim as my own? My bedroom is shared with him and he leaves his shit everywhere. I’m over it.
Sounds like you are over him too!
Justilou1 · 06/07/2021 01:21

I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t realized how much space he’s taken over. He’s actually pretty nice. Just a space invader. He’s been told and accepts that he’s been selfish.

KnightandDay · 06/07/2021 07:16

@Justilou1 that sounds shit, hope you're doing OK! Reclaim all the space you need, it's your house just as much as his.

@R0SEMARY hope things have settled down now and life is good, you are an inspiration!

RandomMess · 06/07/2021 09:13

My DH is the laundry person in our house it's bliss!!

His learning curve was a bit painful at times but it didn't take too long/too many incidents!

Justilou1 · 06/07/2021 10:26

Ladies, please don’t think I’m unhappy. I’ve been working abs studying ft. Super busy. Now I have some time at home I can see how little space I have here. I have time to reclaim it, don’t worry. Contemplating a skip, too!!!

ememem84 · 06/07/2021 11:22

it is always laundry that seemingly brings all problems to a head isn't it?

dh asked today where his clothes were. I pointed out to him that his clean clothes were folded in a basket under the "spider table" in the garage (where the washing machine lives). he's move the basket upstairs. not emptied it. but it's easier for him apparently to have a basket of clean clothes in our room so he can put them away at his leisure. the last time this happened he got annoyed because i kept filling the basket up with clothes. because he never emptied it.

sometimes i want to shove his head in the machine...

@Justilou1 reclaim the space. i'v been subtly reclaiming the house by throwing things away, organising and using up stuff. i bought a bookcase last year for our living space. it took dh a month to notice it. so im pretty comfortable that i could stealth reclaim the house and he wouldn't notice until it had happened.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 06/07/2021 11:32

@Justilou1

Ladies, please don’t think I’m unhappy. I’ve been working abs studying ft. Super busy. Now I have some time at home I can see how little space I have here. I have time to reclaim it, don’t worry. Contemplating a skip, too!!!
I like the sound of a skip 🙂
AcrossthePond55 · 06/07/2021 14:08

@Justilou1

Ladies, please don’t think I’m unhappy. I’ve been working abs studying ft. Super busy. Now I have some time at home I can see how little space I have here. I have time to reclaim it, don’t worry. Contemplating a skip, too!!!
It's truly amazing how the loss of space creeps up on us. It's not always specifically 'our' space, it can also just be the taking over of general space in the house.

Mine takes the shape of piles of his shit on various tables mostly. I find if I leave it long enough he doesn't even notice when I toss it out.

Mix56 · 06/07/2021 14:36

Oh God, don't get me started on space, what is available & who's shit has taken over like Triffids..It's like the tide, I clear, its gets washed back up

Beautiful3 · 06/07/2021 14:45

Hope you're doing well @ROSEMARY? Thought if you the other day, and wondered how you were doing. Take care.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/07/2021 16:32

@Mix56

Oh God, don't get me started on space, what is available & who's shit has taken over like Triffids..It's like the tide, I clear, its gets washed back up
Triffids....lol lol

I think of it more like (and I'm 'dating' myself here) 'The Blob'.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 07/07/2021 11:30

Another wishing you well, R0semary. Not looking for an update, just thinking of you and hoping it's going smoothly.

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 14/07/2021 23:05

Hi everyone, thanks for the lovely posts and Pms.

Sorry I’ve not been posting, I’ve been struggling a bit during these last few weeks and it was too difficult to post. I hope you don’t mind of feel that I’m unappreciative of the help I’ve had here.

Practically things are much more stable here. All of John belongings are out of my home and so much of his control over our lives is fading.

Money wise we are ok as he has paid both CM and SM. Who knows how long that will last - I think we will be ok on the CM because of the CSA. No doubt there will be disputes over that SM but we will take that as it comes.

It has taken a lot of time to sort out all the utilities and local taxes as even though they were paid from our joint account, he had set them up in his name only. So of course I couldn’t cancel them and he refused to do so because “ it’s not my house anymore”. And naturally I want to close to joint bank account that they were all paid from.

The only way I was able to make him sort this out was by taking all the remaining money out of the joint account. So the direct debits for everything are running up an overdraft which he is half liable for.

This has finally forced him to sort out most of it. It’s taken an inordinate amount of my time answering his emails and trying to rationalise with him. He’s really annoyed that he’s having to waste his valuable time dealing with admin, which of course is beneath him.

OP posts: