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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

John learns to adult

806 replies

R0SEMARY · 30/05/2021 00:12

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2021 23:53

DH is wonderful. Really he is. But he put away a piece of clothing from the line with bird shit on it the other week. Into a wardrobe.

whynotwhatknot · 28/06/2021 12:26

Keep the claim open for now @R0SEMARY at least until you get it in writing what his paments should be

If you dont want them to collect it from him it will still be on file for the divorce proceedings

Justilou1 · 29/06/2021 00:30

I think @R0SEMARY has stated that she intends to keep the claim percolating. She doesn’t trust him one little bit.

Newestname001 · 29/06/2021 09:43

@Justilou1

I think *@R0SEMARY* has stated that she intends to keep the claim percolating. She doesn’t trust him one little bit.

And rightly so... 🌹

FinallyHere · 29/06/2021 10:48

John appears to have picked up one part of 'adulting' with no trouble at all. The only way he would suddenly pay spouse and child maintenance to preempt any CMS claim would be because he has twigged that the CMS will make him pay fair amount and without leaving him with any control or bargaining power.

Bring.it.on

tututastic · 29/06/2021 12:45

@R0SEMARY I'm late to your thread but I'm so glad to hear you've left him and have a wonderful life ahead of you whilst John searches for unwitting live in housekeeper no. 3 and plots petty, ineffectual revenge.

Your kids sounds so great and level headed. My 'D'H is a bit of a John, I have 3 young boys and my biggest worry is them following in their fathers' footsteps. Why do you think none of them have followed in John's petulant, man-child footsteps?

sueelleker · 29/06/2021 12:50

Why do you think none of them have followed in John's petulant, man-child footsteps?
He probably wasn't around enough for them to pick up any bad habits.

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 29/06/2021 22:19

I think it might be too early to say if any of the kids have followed in John’s footsteps. They can all be selfish and a bit lazy but that’s teenagers anyway.

OP posts:
prettybird · 29/06/2021 23:18

My impression is that they may actually have been "saved" by the very fact that you stayed together for as long as you did: John was so absorbed with his work and assumed correctly that you were taking up the slack that he was never really around to be a model, so therefore I hope your 3 kids will have learnt better behaviours from you; whereas with Helen, you were "only" the evil stepmum a belief exacerbated by John's manipulation Hmm so she learnt to model herself on him. Sad

billy1966 · 30/06/2021 00:14

@FinallyHere

John appears to have picked up one part of 'adulting' with no trouble at all. The only way he would suddenly pay spouse and child maintenance to preempt any CMS claim would be because he has twigged that the CMS will make him pay fair amount and without leaving him with any control or bargaining power.

Bring.it.on

Exactly.

I think it is better to remove control from them and do it legally.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2021 02:01

@R0SEMARY

I think it might be too early to say if any of the kids have followed in John’s footsteps. They can all be selfish and a bit lazy but that’s teenagers anyway.
Sometimes a bad example serves to point a child in the opposite direction. There are many truly wonderful people who explain their 'niceness' by saying "I never wanted to be like my dad/mum".

I think your three are going to be just fine. They've seen the examples of a caring and concerned mother and a neglectful and selfish father. I'm pretty sure I can guess which one they'll choose to emulate.

And yes, teens can be a pain. But it makes those moments that they astonish you with their consideration and thoughtfulness all the more precious and encouraging.

Justilou1 · 30/06/2021 06:51

Don’t get me started on HIS laundry vs. MY laundry… My DH works in professional sport. This means that he works in gym gear 99.9% of the time. You’d think doing the laundry would be a doddle, right? Nope… HIS t-shirts must NEVER be put in the dryer. They must only be hung a certain way. His shorts can’t go in either as it does something to the elastic… blah, blah, blah… He will “remind me” every time I walk remotely near the bastard laundry, but will he wander near it himself? Only when I lose my shit. THEN… we know what happens, don’t we? HIS laundry is done while the rest of the family’s is left in fetid piles on the floor. After explosion number 2, the rest of the family’s clothes are all bunged in together… whites, darks, pinks…. Can’t tell you the number of items he’s ruined.

Maxiedog123 · 30/06/2021 07:22

I have similar issues. DH had his own separate laundry basket. He is responsible for own laundry and has a designated day that he has sole use of washing machine and dryer.

Newestname001 · 30/06/2021 08:47

@Justilou1

Don’t get me started on HIS laundry vs. MY laundry… My DH works in professional sport. This means that he works in gym gear 99.9% of the time. You’d think doing the laundry would be a doddle, right? Nope… HIS t-shirts must NEVER be put in the dryer. They must only be hung a certain way. His shorts can’t go in either as it does something to the elastic… blah, blah, blah… He will “remind me” every time I walk remotely near the bastard laundry, but will he wander near it himself? Only when I lose my shit. THEN… we know what happens, don’t we? HIS laundry is done while the rest of the family’s is left in fetid piles on the floor. After explosion number 2, the rest of the family’s clothes are all bunged in together… whites, darks, pinks…. Can’t tell you the number of items he’s ruined.
Hi @justilou1 ☀️

As he's so particular with his own washing maybe leave him to get on with ALL of his - separating it out, washing, hanging method, drying, taking off the line, folding, putting away etc whilst you deal with the rest of the family's? And, depending on the ages of the rest of the family, they can participate in the laundry jobs too? 🌹

BelladiMamma · 30/06/2021 09:05

Following

I have one of these too. Luckily he's found a new live in PA but that comes with it's own challenges ...

pointythings · 30/06/2021 09:59

For the last 5 years of our marriage, mine just didn't do any laundry. And still believed he did 50% of the housework Hmm.

Justilou1 · 30/06/2021 10:04

@Newestname001 - he made the near-fatal mistake of telling me not too long ago that he had done all his washing and folding for ME, too…. He was fishing for praise. That worked as you can predict. 🤯🤯🤯Meanwhile, I have learned not to play the “Have you seen my…?” Game. I will not respond. If he is responsible for his own laundry (yes, he has his own basket… the clothes rarely make it there from the pile on the floor in the bathroom, btw… That’s another sore point. They’re about to find their way to our front verandah at the end of every day.)

Newestname001 · 30/06/2021 11:13

@Justilou1

If he is responsible for his own laundry (yes, he has his own basket… the clothes rarely make it there from the pile on the floor in the bathroom, btw… That’s another sore point. They’re about to find their way to our front verandah at the end of every day.)

Good!! Action is definitely better than words... 🌹

Bluedeblue · 30/06/2021 11:44

He has of course asked me to withdraw my CMS claim immediately

DO NOT DO THIS!

I made the mistake of not engaging with CMS, and believing/hoping that ExH would pay on time each month. He just used it as a bargaining chip or a way to control me. Payment was always late, so I had to "ask" for it, like Oliver fucking Twist.

If you have a CMS case, then you have all the control.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2021 13:49

I see I'm not the only one who can't manage to do their DH's laundry 'right'. 🙄

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2021 14:02

Just so there's no question in anybody's mind.....no, I don't do DH's laundry anymore. Haven't for over 30 years.😆

1WayOrAnother2 · 30/06/2021 14:03

'He has of course asked me to withdraw my CMS claim immediately'

Glad you are not falling in line for that one!

Anyway CMS is better - it takes the emotion (and opportunity for witholding money if you don't behave) out of it. :)

TheTeenageYears · 30/06/2021 14:11

@Justilou1

Don’t get me started on HIS laundry vs. MY laundry… My DH works in professional sport. This means that he works in gym gear 99.9% of the time. You’d think doing the laundry would be a doddle, right? Nope… HIS t-shirts must NEVER be put in the dryer. They must only be hung a certain way. His shorts can’t go in either as it does something to the elastic… blah, blah, blah… He will “remind me” every time I walk remotely near the bastard laundry, but will he wander near it himself? Only when I lose my shit. THEN… we know what happens, don’t we? HIS laundry is done while the rest of the family’s is left in fetid piles on the floor. After explosion number 2, the rest of the family’s clothes are all bunged in together… whites, darks, pinks…. Can’t tell you the number of items he’s ruined.
His laundry is a doddle. His sports clothes can all go in together in a separate wash regardless of colour. 20 degrees, no fabric softener and no tumble dryer - all hung on an airer and will dry in no time. Sports washes are the easiest. He puts everything in a separate basket and you agree a day when the airer will be free for him to hand it all up.
Justilou1 · 30/06/2021 14:44

@TheTeenageYears - his sports clothes are a total doddle now a) because he’s away until the end of August and b) I’m not doing them anymore. If the teenagers can be responsible for school & work uniforms, he can manage his own gym kits.

Newestname001 · 30/06/2021 14:50

[quote Justilou1]@TheTeenageYears - his sports clothes are a total doddle now a) because he’s away until the end of August and b) I’m not doing them anymore. If the teenagers can be responsible for school & work uniforms, he can manage his own gym kits.[/quote]

Ha! Excellent! Another problem solved! 😁

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