John learns to adult

[R0SEMARY]

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

He’s manipulating Peter to get at me , so I will step in to protect Peter.

However Peter is toughening up, I’m quite surprised. Middle child has turned out to be more vulnerable. And he can’t drive

@R0SEMARY

Omg. That’s made me sad. Poor kids. I know they’re older and not little but still. No bedding? Assumingly they haven’t stayed again ?

Awww, don’t be sad, they were fine. It was one kid for one night and no they’ve not been back. They were more bothered about the cheap soft mattress TBH.

As you all know, parenting kids mostly comprises many small tasks that no one notices until they are not done. My kids are now noticing all these small things.

Ah yes. The magic fairies do everything until they stop and then people wonder why things haven’t happened magically….anyone seen the video on YouTube re the magic coffee table?

@Justilou1 ridiculous. But true. They are both retired. Both drive. Both capable of walking because they golf. But can’t fathom going into town and getting things that Fil needs. Because they’d miss out on golf. I swear they play about 17 times a week. And as such miss out on time with fils grandkids. It infuriates me. But he’s not a nice man. Even if he is dh’s father. But that’s Dhs issue not mine.

But if I dare to say no (which I do a lot) I’m the devil woman. It’s more because I’m “told” I’ll “have to do xyz because Fil needs xyz” I’ve suggested Dh do it. But no. He’s busy with his work. And anyway shopping is a woman’s job. Duh.

Last time this was suggested I was so pissed off. I asked fils girlfriend whether she was actually a woman. Because if she was then she could do it. Because it’s woman’s work afterall.

That didn’t go down well. And they haven’t spoken to me since. so maybe it did go down well

Apologies to @R0SEMARY for the small hi Jack there….

I think your next thread should be "Things in the real world John simply can't believe are true". Prescriptions are going to be a killer for him.

I can imagine him making so many angry phone calls to companies too, about things he has done totally wrong that have inconvenienced him. Because as we know, it's never Johns's fault.

God, imagine him attempting to change his address on everything and set up Royal Mail redirection

I like to think of John looking back and forth between a gift and some wrapping paper, wondering how the fuck one wraps something and being angry you aren't there to do it. Women's work. Alas, this will never happen IRL. For Johns do not buy gifts for other people.

@Justilou1

Wait until those emails start rolling in ***@R0SEMARY***…. I’m out of pills ***@R0SEMARY***!!! I’ve lost a filling, ***@R0SEMARY***… book me in tomorrow morning, would you? There’s a love. What do you mean here’s the number and I have to register because I’ve moved? Can’t you do it? Why do you have to make life so bloody difficult? Oh, by the way… Next time you’re out, can you get me some new underpants? What do you mean.. No? Where do you even buy undies from? I couldn’t possibly… I’d be too embarrassed… I mean underpants in the trolley with the wine and the gourmet cheeses… Don’t be ridiculous ***@R0SEMARY***!!! You have to get things for the kids. How hard is it for you to just bung ‘em in with your stuff and just pretend it’s for them? I’ll pick them up when I see the kids ne…. Oh, that’s right. I COULD always order them on Amazon. ***@R0SEMARY***…..? Somebody seems to have changed the login details….

"I'll pay you for them later" Yeah, right!

I’m glad your son is being brave as John clearly gives no shits about anyone other than himself 😞

How long was there between the ending of his first marriage and him taking you on as a housekeeper marrying you?

He really does seem like a man who has never learnt to cope with "day-to-day" life on his own because it's beneath him he has minions a woman to do it for him - after all, he is a high flying business man so shouldn't be bothered with mundanities

What was his mother like? Did she do everything for him?

Yes his mother did everything for him and yes he married young.

Five years between that marriage ending and him hiring me. But he had a housekeeper and a part time nanny.

I don’t think John will ask me directly to do things as he’s too proud. He will do it indirectly like asking DC1 for a lift when it’s 5 hour trip for him and 2 hours for me. He expected Peter to phone me and say “ Can you do this mum?”.

Which of course he did, and I said “ why don’t you say you are busy that day ? “.

Same as he’s not asked me to provide bedding for the spare beds in his house. He gets the kids to tell me they have no bed linen.

He’s probably seen that you’ve stood up to John so he can too, good job all round!

No advice but I’ve been reading from the start and I want to congratulate you! You are doing a great job. When can you get a night out booked into the diary? You deserve a fun night, maybe a dinner, drinks and comedy show?

It’s not that he doesn’t know how to do these things nor that he can’t afford them. It’s just that he doesn’t think he should HAVE to, they are beneath him.

Years ago, a poster on MN said to me that when he married me, he didn’t want an equal partner to love and cherish - he wanted staff at home.

She was right but it took me years to realise it.

He’s always had staff and that’s why he’s struggling now.

At work he used to be 100% office based when in the Uk and had his own PA . Of course that’s all changed with Covid.

She did lots of work related things for him, like buying his lunch and making his coffees and I’m sure lots of other non work things as well . I mean kind things like posting letters or picking up click and collect orders - I’m not implying anything inappropriate.

But that’s all gone now - there’s an admin team who work for everyone - no more office wife.

He doesn't have a clue about the time consuming mundane things of like. Eg

Receive letter with hospital appointment for child ( after 6 months of hassling GP for referral and 6 months waiting )

Check own diary and realise you can’t do that time as other child has to be taken somewhere / important work meeting

Phone hospital and wait in a queue for 30 mins to be told that person is at lunch and to call back later / next day.

Make diary note to call later / tomorrow .

Call next day , hold another 30 mins and plead with member of staff to rearrange hospital appointment.

Arrange with line manager to get that 1/2 day off work.

Arrange with Colleague to cover your own work that day and send her a briefing note .

Make mental note to pay back the favour to work colleague.

Arrange with school for child to have time off that day.

Go to work early that day, check again that colleague is ok to cover for you, leave work, drive to school to collect child, drive to hospital and spend 20 mins looking for parking , attend appointment, take child to MacDonald’s as reward for being good and drive child back to school ( if possible ) .

Then come on MN and read that mums who talk about life admin are stupid drama Queens as it “ literally takes 1 min to write it on the calendar “ .

I'm with you on that. Yesterday I had some important admin to do including a scanned document, IT WOULD NOT UPLOAD, I tried everything, changing formats, reducing size. paying for a better Adobe contract, photographing it instead, It took from 1pm to 8pm.
When I changed the title of the doc it finally loaded. What ???
Meanwhile I spent a whole day basically trying to do one simple application.....

Glad to read you are proceeding with your CMS claim.

He is not to be trusted.
Far wiser for everything to be legally arranged.

Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4228998-Polly-and-her-Dollies-continue-to-improve-in-every-way
John sounds similar to Gellar

Then come on MN and read that mums who talk about life admin are stupid drama Queens as it “ literally takes 1 min to write it on the calendar “ .

That pisses me off too. Everything is 'literally 1 minute'. 'Bung on a wash, literally one minute'. Who's putting it on the line, taking it off, folding, lugging it around, matching socks, turning it the right way, checking if everything still fits? Pixies?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Then come on MN and read that mums who talk about life admin are stupid drama Queens as it “ literally takes 1 min to write it on the calendar “ .

That pisses me off too. Everything is 'literally 1 minute'. 'Bung on a wash, literally one minute'. Who's putting it on the line, taking it off, folding, lugging it around, matching socks, turning it the right way, checking if everything still fits? Pixies?

Emptying pockets?

Don’t forget checking how it should be washed, buying the various detergents and stain removers and ironing the sodding stuff!

Making sure it's not still damp, putting it away, noticing and sorting holes, missing buttons etc, making the call on when something is too small/stained/worn/faded. But yes, takes a minute, don't get me started on cleaning the washing machine

Searching the house for random items that have not walked to the laundry basket themselves

Stripping beds

Checking school and sports bags for Stinky PE kit

Spot treating stains before clothes go in the wash

Putting delicates into laundry bags

Cleaning detergent dispenser tray and all the filters

Putting the clean laundry into your kids wardrobes otherwise it will lie on their chair / bed / floor for a week and appear back in the dirty laundry basket without being worn

If it’s all so easy and takes literally a minute then why aren’t more men doing it ?

MN is full of jobs that are easy and take one minute when women do then but time consuming and complex when men do them.

But when when do the laundry they get it so wrong that it needs doing again by a professional!

1. Stuff 3 loads in machine with too much powder so laundry comes out with white spots of powder everywhere (other half sorts laundry into 3 piles and then washes then correctly, hangs up, dries and puts it away).

1. Doesn't sort washing so colours run, wash on too high a temperature so everything shrinks, puts in hand wash only expensive delicate top that I've only worn once and I've specifically told him needs to be hand washed and was put in safe place so not accidently put in machine (but he knows best and does it anyway as 'he thought it would be okay') - totally ruined,shrunk and now grey.

1. Tissues left in pockets so white bits everywhere.

1. After me buying the multiple compartment laundry sorting basket - Bras still taken from their compartment along with delicates and remnants from everywhere else - delicates torn, bra bones bent and discoloured.

And then there's hanging it out to dry - how many ways can they find to ensure garments go out of shape, dry musty or aren't secured to line so fly off into neighbours garden.

Putting the clothes away is a whole new catalog of errors!!!! How can it be so difficult?

They don't give a shit, because there is a laundry robot default woman to do it for them

Add to the list tumble dried all the clothes without checking if stains have come out. New shorts ruined.

Thanks to Dd and her pasta sauce flinging ways. Dh and his tumble drying addiction and me for buying the bleached denim shorts in the first place. Ffs.

My ex set fire to his tumble dryer.

When I left I reminded him to empty the condenser and remove the lint build up.

I guess he forgot!

He thought I was making a fuss about it. I kept telling him it needed to be done or the dryer wouldn't dry and would overheat.

Another one of those little jobs he had no intention of ever bothering to do despite me 'nagging' about it.

Like he gets the vacuum cleaner out, neglects to empty when it's full and no longer picking up then leave it out for me to trip over. Proudly tell me he's vacced 'for me' whilst I still see bits of dirt all over and only very superficially vacced anyway. Then he gets annoyed when I remind him to put the vac away afterwards.

Next time I use the vac I spend an hour taking it apart as it's totally clogged up then a mad hunt to find all the missing attachments.

For me it wasn't just one thing. It was ever fXXXing thing he did that just would be done wrong. I'm not pedantic at all. I don't have unreasonable standards.