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Original poster

John learns to adult

806 replies

R0SEMARY · 30/05/2021 00:12

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 26/06/2021 11:53

I think it's a control thing - he's realised that if you go through the CMS, he gets told what will happen and when, and doesn't have any say.

But if he magnanimously pays money into your account each month, the control is 100% with him (and as a bonus he can tell the kids that he gives you money every month out of the kindness of his heart instead of being forced to pay it). He'll be in a position where he can choose to pay it, or he can pay it late to punish you for something, or not pay it at all if he doesn't feel like it one month.

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/06/2021 12:31

Don’t withdraw your claim you’d be reliant on him not ‘forgetting’ to pay money

SpringCrocus · 26/06/2021 12:43

Please don't withdraw your claim!

bigbaggyeyes · 26/06/2021 12:48

Don't withdraw the claim, keep it going as it's also proof he's paying (or not) and will be reassess yearly, it protects both of you. That means if he does get a big bonus, your payments go up. He will have to submit his last p60 in a years time - and that is probably why he wants you to withdraw it. (My ex did exactly the same)

LannieDuck · 26/06/2021 12:49

Good point about the bonus

Justilou1 · 26/06/2021 13:19

Withdrawing would be a very naive thing to do.

Ellie56 · 26/06/2021 13:20

No don't withdraw your claim @R0SEMARY.

You know the wanker can't be trusted. Don't give him any opportunity to shaft you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/06/2021 14:11

You aren't going to withdraw your claim are you OP? Please don't.

If you do, it will make him think he can play you - that he can manipulate you and outmanoeuvre you.

It also means that he can weaponise the payments if they are private as he can say he can't 'afford' them one month in order to punish you for not behaving how he wanted you to etc.

Disengage as much as possible, drop the rope and do everything by the books. So the opposite of how he did his tax!!

Justilou1 · 26/06/2021 15:17

Also means he looks good right up until the divorce, then he stops. Keep CMS going, see the legal quagmire he digs himself into via email as a result, and you may find yourself having a very fast, easy and very profitable divorce.

SortingItOut · 26/06/2021 17:12

You can keep your CMS claim running with him paying you direct, it just means CMS don't need to collect the money for you but when he stops psying your claim is there waiting.

Or get him to pay CMS direct which involves an extra fee on top for him and you also lose a small %.

Will be interesting to see how long he maintains payments for.

GAHgamel · 26/06/2021 17:18

Adding to the chorus of "don't withdraw your CMS claim". My guess is the sudden bout of magnanimity is due to it occurring to him that the claim will shine an unwelcome light on his finances, and he's willing to swallow making a token gesture of generosity to avoid that. I wouldn't rely on that lasting once the risk of the authorities poking around has waned, so keeping that insurance is important.

pointythings · 26/06/2021 17:27

Joining the voices calling for you not to withdraw your claim. If you do, and he stops paying, your kids will have lost out because of the time it will take to start a claim all over. And it isn't as if the CMS is going to make him pay twice. This man has already shown that he is not to be trusted, so do not trust him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/06/2021 17:36

@LannieDuck

I think it's a control thing - he's realised that if you go through the CMS, he gets told what will happen and when, and doesn't have any say.

But if he magnanimously pays money into your account each month, the control is 100% with him (and as a bonus he can tell the kids that he gives you money every month out of the kindness of his heart instead of being forced to pay it). He'll be in a position where he can choose to pay it, or he can pay it late to punish you for something, or not pay it at all if he doesn't feel like it one month.

Lannie has it.
prettybird · 26/06/2021 18:03

Or if he's bought dcs birthday or Christmas presents, he'll deduct that from the amount that he pays those months Hmm

....although I have a strong suspicion that he's never actually bought his dcs birthday or Christmas presents as that was below him "wife work" Wink

But he might start getting them for "appearances sake" and to try to buy the kids' attention but will be determined not to let you "benefit" in his opinion , hence withholding fundsHmm

So yes, get it into a legal agreement and keep the CSA case active.

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 26/06/2021 19:55

@prettybird

Or if he's bought dcs birthday or Christmas presents, he'll deduct that from the amount that he pays those months Hmm

....although I have a strong suspicion that he's never actually bought his dcs birthday or Christmas presents as that was below him "wife work" Wink

But he might start getting them for "appearances sake" and to try to buy the kids' attention but will be determined not to let you "benefit" in his opinion , hence withholding fundsHmm

So yes, get it into a legal agreement and keep the CSA case active.

You are right @prettybird. He has never bought a Christmas /Birthday present / card for the kids, me or anyone else since we married.

I’m not even sure if he knows the dates of our children’s birthday.

He has never organised a birthday party or bought wedding / new baby / 21st gifts for any of his large extended family. He has never invited then to our home and hosted them.

I have done every single thing for him except his work ( and I’ve done a lot of that too ). He probably doesn't know how to make a dentist appointment for himself. He has no idea how all his prescription medications arrive in his cupboard every month. Or how his worn out underwear transforms into new stuff when necessary.

I am listening to you all about the CMS claim.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2021 20:10

I love the thought of him manky underpants and sussing out prescriptions and the shock of how much they cost 😂

L0bstersLass · 26/06/2021 21:18

@R0SEMARY, I don't understand anything about CMS claims, but clearly there are many here that do and they're giving you consistent advice.

I'd encourage you to follow it.
John's clearly had advice from someone and it must suit his plans to be paying you this money (for now). I'd encourage you to keep control of the situation and not pass the control back to him.

Justilou1 · 27/06/2021 01:20

Wait until those emails start rolling in @R0SEMARY…. I’m out of pills @R0SEMARY!!! I’ve lost a filling, @R0SEMARY… book me in tomorrow morning, would you? There’s a love. What do you mean here’s the number and I have to register because I’ve moved? Can’t you do it? Why do you have to make life so bloody difficult? Oh, by the way… Next time you’re out, can you get me some new underpants? What do you mean.. No? Where do you even buy undies from? I couldn’t possibly… I’d be too embarrassed… I mean underpants in the trolley with the wine and the gourmet cheeses… Don’t be ridiculous @R0SEMARY!!! You have to get things for the kids. How hard is it for you to just bung ‘em in with your stuff and just pretend it’s for them? I’ll pick them up when I see the kids ne…. Oh, that’s right. I COULD always order them on Amazon. @R0SEMARY…..? Somebody seems to have changed the login details….

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 27/06/2021 07:30

Grin Grin @Justilou1

Did I mention that the children have no bedding on their bed in his house because he’s waiting for me to provide it?

And John has just phoned up Peter (our eldest) and asked him to pick his father up from the airport when he returns home from a business trip later this week?

That would be a 4 hour round trip for Peter. He’s said no sorry he can’t, he has plans.

John is at a loss without his in house chauffeur.

OP posts:
ememem84 · 27/06/2021 07:43

@R0SEMARY

Grin Grin *@Justilou1*

Did I mention that the children have no bedding on their bed in his house because he’s waiting for me to provide it?

And John has just phoned up Peter (our eldest) and asked him to pick his father up from the airport when he returns home from a business trip later this week?

That would be a 4 hour round trip for Peter. He’s said no sorry he can’t, he has plans.

John is at a loss without his in house chauffeur.

Omg. That’s made me sad. Poor kids. I know they’re older and not little but still. No bedding? Assumingly they haven’t stayed again ?

Fil is like this. Probably another reason mil divorced him and is now living her best life. Expecting his women to buy his things. He told me a while ago that I’d have to buy things for him. I laughed and asked him if he was serious. He was. His girlfriend agreed with him that I had to do it. Because I work in town and they can’t possibly go themselves. Because they golf.

Thing is. If he had been nice to me in all the years I’ve known him and asked nicely. I would have absolutely helped him out. But he hasn’t. They are perfectly capable of driving the 20 minutes to get to a shop for fils clothes etc. They are fit and able. He’s just a twat.

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 27/06/2021 07:56

Omg. That’s made me sad. Poor kids. I know they’re older and not little but still. No bedding? Assumingly they haven’t stayed again ?

Awww, don’t be sad, they were fine. It was one kid for one night and no they’ve not been back. They were more bothered about the cheap soft mattress TBH.

As you all know, parenting kids mostly comprises many small tasks that no one notices until they are not done. My kids are now noticing all these small things.

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 27/06/2021 08:15

Keep going R0semary

Justilou1 · 27/06/2021 08:45

I agree that it’s sad, but he should absolutely be allowed to dig his own grave. @R0SEMARY should be allowed to reap the rewards for all the parenting she had done and will continue to do. I don’t understand parenting matyrs that enable deadbeat dads to continue with their deadbeat ways (once the the kids are not tiny, of course, and can speak up for themselves…). @R0SEMARY‘s relationship with her kids is genuine and caring. They are loved and known as individual human beings, not service providers or trophies to be wheeled out to promote his career prospects. (Like his entire marriage appears to have been.) @R0SEMARY’s kids sound like they are confident, resilient people who are quite capable of seeing their Dad’s true colours without anyone pointing his shortcomings out for them.

As for @ememem84…they can’t buy stuff for FIL because they are far too busy BECAUSE THEY GOLF??? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

prettybird · 27/06/2021 09:08

@R0SEMARY - does your stbxh not know about these things called "taxis"? WinkShock

Obviously don't know how far his new home is from the airport but I'm sure a taxi would be cheaper than the petrol let alone the depreciation required for a 4 hour round trip by your ds - even if he had been prepared to pick up his dad Confused And that's not factoring in the time involved Hmm. Fortunately, it seems your ds is sensible enough to tell him to get tae fuck that he had plans Grin

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 27/06/2021 09:12

His new home is about an hours drive from the airport. And of course he thinks that Peters time is free, same as mine.

And yes, I’m pretty sure the multinational company he works for can afford the taxi fare.

OP posts:
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