John learns to adult

[R0SEMARY]

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

Oh love :( @R0SEMARY, you have really suffered.

I echo all the love here, i send you all my strength too and want you to know that I too know what it's like to live with a man this cruel. to have a switch flick in front of me to turn the man I'd left my country for to embark on a new adventure change before my very eyes.. Stuck for 3 years with him, truly trapped and isolated in a godforsaken place full of absolutley godforsaken people.

The TRUTH that you have told yourself and now us is HUGE, it is of monumental importance in your recovery. First we lie to ourselves, then to others. When I got out i actually told him to his face "For you to make me look bad, you have to lie. For me to make YOU look bad, all I have to do is to tell the truth"

I had "And the truth will set you free" on loop in my head. I could not shake it, and I suppose that was not a bad thing.

I did the freedom programme, I did (free) group therapy and I did private therapy. I was SOOOO broke at the time, but I had to do whatever possible to fix myself, to strengthen myself. I got there in the end, but the odd sore spot remains.

@R0SEMARY You are a warrior, you really will come thorugh this, we are ALL here for you and don't ever apologise. this is your thread and you are healing.

You are going to feel a roller coaster of emotions, and many of us have been on that ride, so let us help you if you can.

I'm horrified at your updates, Rosemary, just horrified. He is truly the scum of the earth. I'm so glad he's going to be out of your life going forward.

bless you @ROSEMARY you are getting stronger, which is why your brain is letting you see this stuff. At the time you were in self preservation mode, you had a tiny baby and a difficult one too, plus the after effects of a terrible birth, so you just did what you could to survive and look after the newborn.
Now you are safe you are able to look at it all from a distance.
He is a nasty man. But you are free.

And yes you might well wonder why I went on to have another two children with him. But that’s a whole other story.

Rosemary I get it. I made a similar choice.

A lot that you say in that post resonates with me. I remember after my 3rd standing ironing with tears rolling down my cheeks as I was in such pain. He sat close by on the couch, roaring laughing - excessively - at a TV programme. It was so cruel.

(I know many of you will say ironing is pointless anyway! But I do iron, and at that point there wasn't a stuck of clothes available for any of us. I'd asked him if he'd do some. He'd got out the iron and refused to even discuss it beyond that. Before I started, he'd seen me feed the new baby& cry with pain as I was in that tender nipples stage. And he sat & laughed & laughed at that TV programme while I cried)

Now it seems nuts to be that I didn't walk off, leave them bloody ironing ... I couldn't have challenged him, that's what he wanted & then he could act all excessively reasonable & pretend not to understand.

Like you OP I can remember to the tiniest detail - what he was wearing, what I was; what the programme was; the clothes I was ironing even!

@R0SEMARY 💐💐💐

It really isn't a pity party. Its acknowledging what went on. Our boundaries get trampled on so much when we are with abusers that saying "this incident upset me" feels like moaning about something inconsequential when in actual fact of course they are hurtful, spiteful, unkind abuses of their positions in our lives. Please don't ever ever feel like you can't get them out and acknowledge them.

I am 5 years out of a similar situation and even now every so often I will remember something else. Our brains take a long while to get through it all. Stay strong x

When I escaped my abuser it was October2018. My job then was pub manager and I knew that I would be up to my arse in work so I "allowed" myself to fall apart the following February. Except by then I was ok so I didnt need to. Then the February after that it hit me like a train. I was signed off work for 6 weeks and thankfully(!) then lockdown happened so I could deal with the flashbacks and the PTSD.

It will never leave either of us, but like all kinds of grief, we learn to live with it.

I can speak for myself that the waves of grief and anger will get smaller with time. But I am not sure you ever completely recover from something like this, this complete betrayal and abandonment by the person who promised to love and cherish you for the rest of your lives.

Thank you all for your kindness and insightful comments, it really helps.

TBH I’m struggling a bit but the kids seem to be ok.

I’m up to my eyes in it at work and then spending evenings clearing out the house and trying to get quality time with the kids.

The youngest is very excited about have a room for gaming. Apparently it’s called a set up.

I’m trying to focus on planning some fun things for them over the next few weeks but that’s hard to do right now for obvious reasons.

I’m also dealing with financial / legal matters of course.

You have an enormous amount on your plate, but eyes on the prize: a peaceful life with you and your kids and no John. It probably doesn't always feel like it, but you're handling it all brilliantly.

And no, I didn't believe it either when people told me that when I was going through it myself. Sometimes hindsight is kinder.

You are an amazing woman, and your strength and grace under an awful lot of fire is a sight to behold.

But, yes, you must get so tired! You've got so much on right now, and also, yes, you are processing through an awful, awful lot of terrible history.

I hope (this is my fairy godmother wish of the day, and I wish I could find a way to make it definitely come true), that you carve a little bit of the day out, just for you, a moment of peace, where you sit and enjoy a cuppa or a glass of wine, a chapter of a good book, a nice bath, or to watch the sunset.

I'm sure if you posted about your early abuse now, with all those details that everyone would have told you to run. You probably weren't able to accept how bad is was at the time. But you can't beat yourself up about that. Look forward and work towards making it the best it can be for you and your dc.

I think MN has got better at recognising red flag bunting now! There's always some innocent that thinks along the lines of the advice given you then, but plenty of people challenge it now.

You said "He wasn’t a bad husband in most people’s eyes." Just because they didn't see what he did, doesn't mean they wouldn't have agreed he was a bad husband if they'd actually understood what was going on.

He was a nasty man and a bad husband and father, whether other people could see that or not.

I am an abuse expert. I've been doing this work for almost four decades.

Like many people (including mainstream media) you have unwittingly confused abuse with physical violence. Everything we know about abuse - which forms are the most dangerous? Which forms are most likely to result in serious harm / death? Which forms should we never ignore? - etc has led us to incorrectly say physical abuse is the most serious.
It absolutely 100% isn't. Controllers are the most dangerous. By far. Really - by far. Those that achieve their aims without any physical violence at all are the most dangerous of all (responsible for around 50% of domestic homicides).

This isn't said to scare you (and just so we are clear - nothing you have said thus far leads me to think you should be on high alert) - I say it so that you stop undermining your own feelings. You are right to think this man is dangerous. You are right to think his non-physical abuse 'counts'. It does. You've got this and your gut feelings? Bang on. Don't berate yourself for being a kind and compassionate person - celebrate being someone who has a wonderful future ahead.

You are awesome and a bigger and better life awaits you. One absolutely worth having. Live forward.

Having read all your posts, just want to say you're doing amazing!!
Read Annie's post above - so much of it makes sense & I think could really help you reframe everything.
Best of luck for the future!

Hope youre doing ok @R0SEMARY

Hope your life gets better and better from now on Rosemary, you deserve it.

You're due on holiday about now, aren't you? Hope you are having/will have a fantastic time - and that your dcs enjoy the down time with you too

I hope the sun shines on the righteous

Hope you’re ok @R0SEMARY

Hi everyone and thanks for the lovely posts and kind PMs.

As some of you have recalled I’ve been on holiday and trying to take a break from worrying about the divorce and focus on having fun with the kids ( my 3 plus a couple of their friends).

Sadly Cock Womble is being is usual difficult self about child and spousal support . I have not posted about legal and financial issues in case it caused problems later but now he has dig his heels in I feel I have nothing to lose.

Also I know you will enjoy hearing his logic and laughing about him is what keeps me sane.

He is apparently not going to pay any child support for his three children who reside with me 100% of the time. At first he said he wasn’t going to pay at all.

Then his latest is that he is going to pay the money directly to to the children and tell them it’s theirs and that mean mummy is going to charge them board and lodgings to live in their own home.

I’m sure the CSA are going to enjoy hearing about that plan.

He has no way around child support BTW - he is paid a flat rate salary from a UK based employer, I know his exact salary and I have a copy of his employment contract. And he can’t quit his job as he gets a large bonus at the end of 2022 which he will forfeit if he leaves.

So he’s as stuffed as a Christmas Turkey 🦃🦃🦃

I do like your update!!

What a shame he can't leave

If you claim in the UK it's CMS and ring them urgently as they won't back date it further than the first day you contact them.

Oh bless his delusional cotton socks.

I just don't get the mindset of these men who feel they have no need to provide for their children just because they aren't living with them. They have more reasons for not paying CM than Carter has pills.

A friend even said, fine, put it in a savings for then but that wasn't good either. Not only did he feel that she didn't deserve 'his' money for caring for their son, neither did their child because if it could be put in savings instead of being used then and there for the child's needs then he shouldn't have to pay it either.

YY @RandomMess, I’ve been waiting for him to agree to a family based arrangement and this is his best offer after 4 weeks of waiting .

You will also like his argument as to why he shouldn’t pay spousal support.

To get spousal support ( while you are still legally married ) you have to demonstrate that you have a need and he has the means to meet that need.

After I have paid all the essentials bills on the house ( mortgage, local taxes, insurance , utilities etc ) I have £21 a month left.

Not £21 a day. £21 a month. Between the 4 of us.

To be clear, that’s £21 a month to feed and clothe three teens and myself, pay for school dinners and run a car ( essential as we live in a rural area with no public transport ). Pay for their sports, hobbies, birthdays and Christmas and holidays.

That’s 17p a day each. Rounded up of course .

So I think that demonstrates a need. He doesn’t think so. He argued that I should cash in my pension instead and that he can’t afford to pay anything.

Guess how much he has left a month after paying essential bills ? Go on, guess? I will give a prize for the closest.

@AcrossthePond55 - they think they are clever and so creative.John has obviously spent the last 4 weeks thinking up this clever ruse. What a tosser he is.

Definitely hit him with CMS now. He doesn't get a choice about paying it to you - the sooner he learns that, the better.