@ToffeeNotCoffee
Like so many things in our marriage. Basically he stopped trying at almost everything as soon as I was pregnant and trapped
When this happens, was this their plan all along ? Or did it just happen i.e. turn out that way ?
Some relationships are ok until they got engaged.........
or
Ok until they got married..............
or
Ok until their baby was on the way.........
Sorry for the thread de-rail.
Back on topic as it's not my thread.
Interesting question. I don’t think that it just turned out that way, as it was an outcome of the choices that he made. I think it’s about his world view.
He saw being nice to me - courtship type behaviours - as being some part of entry fee into marriage / a long term relationship/ getting me pregnant.
He was very good at courtship - lots of small thoughtful gestures, being a good and understanding listener . As well as lots of red flags that I didn’t recognise at the time, like future faking and love bombing.
And of course it’s fun - lots of fun and sex and generally having a good time. I was totally focused on him and his needs and madly in love.
But as soon as I was heavily pregnant and then gave birth, everything changed. I was trapped and he turned off all the love and kindness like a tap.
He had no need to make an effort anymore as it would have been very hard for me to leave, with a tiny baby, no job and all my savings tied up in a house in his sole name.
Things were now the way he wanted them - me at home being a housewife and caring for his children while he enjoyed his work and social life 24/7.
And of course his abuse and control was very subtle - he never hit me or did anything bad in front of others. I had a horrible birth which took a long time to recover from and a non feeding and non sleeping high demand baby.
I did in fact make a fairly serious attempt to leave when first child was a few months old but without success. Where would I have gone ? My family and friends thought he was lovely and no doubt that i had PND. In fact I probably had PTSD.
I was overwhelmed with exhaustion and the demands of the baby and devastated by the way John treated me and refusal to give the tiniest bit of help. It seemed like a total change in his personality. Now I know that it was in fact the real John emerging and the one I fell in love with was the fake John.
Of course I posted on MN and got lots of people telling me how hard it was for new dads and how some men just don’t like babies. But not to worry because they would be fine when the child was 5 and liked to go to football. And how important it was to make a fuss of my husband in case he felt left out and to give him PIV sex as soon as possible ( I was stitched from one end to the other and in a lot of pain) .
I felt like such a failure.
John was so cruel to me at that time , it hurts to look back at it even now. I remember once sobbing in pain and begging him to hold the baby for 5 mins so I could go to the loo ( those of you who have had birth injuries will remember what a major undertaking this was in the days after giving birth 
) and he refused as he was too busy. He said he would do it in a few hours when he had time.
Please don’t tell me I could have put the screaming baby down . I know that now but at the time it seemed impossible.
He would never bring me a glass of water during long long feeds ( baby had problems feeding) . Then after 45 mins of feeding, I would move baby gingerly to get up and he would projectile vomit against the wall/ sofa / all over me. I would burst into tears and John would get angry at the mess and my stupidity.
So after a feed I had to sit totally still and not move baby in the slightest. But John would refuse to take him to let me get up and get a drink / go to the loo / change a pad. I’d sit there holding the baby aware that the blood was soaking though my pad and onto my clothes and I felt so degraded. I had to sit on bath towels / incontinence pads to nurse.
Eventually I’d take the risk of moving baby and getting up to go to the loo, shower, dry stitches and change and washing my clothes. Then I had about 30 mins to get something to eat / drink and do some chores before starting again.
I remember feeling so angry at those stupid midwives who suggested that every time I went to the loo I should wash myself and dry my stitches with a hairdryer. And exactly who would care for baby while I did that 10 times a day? !!
I spent these long feeds desolately hoping baby didn’t have a dirty happy during a feed and need changed because then he’d throw up and I’d have to start the whole process again. It was soul destroying.
John got angry as I did nothing but sit around all day ( in his opinion) and the housework was never done to his standards. I remember once he came home from work and the dinner ( for once ) was made. He had a huge tantrum because the kitchen floor wasn’t mopped and insisted that I get down on my hands and knees to clean it.
The dinner burned while I was doing that. It’s funny that I can remember it like it happened yesterday.
Looking back I feel sad that all these early months with my firstborn were completely blighted by John’s truly horrible behaviour. All I could think about (secretly of course ) was getting baby into nursery and back to work. Then I was made redundant in a restructuring of my company.
So I really was trapped.
And yes you might well wonder why I went on to have another two children with him. But that’s a whole other story.