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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

John learns to adult

806 replies

R0SEMARY · 30/05/2021 00:12

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

OP posts:
NeedNewKnees · 06/06/2021 20:41

@BruceAndNosh

And BTW, you are really REALLY bad in bed. I know you think you are great but you are terrible

This might be a surprise to John but not to us

I am dying laughing
Newestname001 · 06/06/2021 21:27

And BTW, you are really REALLY bad in bed. I know you think you are great but you are terrible.

Go @R0SEMARY!! 🤣😂

Groovee · 06/06/2021 21:49

@BruceAndNosh

And BTW, you are really REALLY bad in bed. I know you think you are great but you are terrible

This might be a surprise to John but not to us

🤣🤣🤣
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/06/2021 21:58

And BTW, you are really REALLY bad in bed. I know you think you are great but you are terrible.

Ah but @R0SEMARY if you'd only let John mansplain, calmly and patronisingly, what women are supposed to enjoy in bed, you would see your preferences are wrong and he is in fact an absolutely sex god. So he doesn't need to know which day the bins go out or how to parent. Or be a decent human being.

Grin
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/06/2021 22:07

This might be a surprise to John but not to us

Dying here.

SpringCrocus · 06/06/2021 22:08

God, he's such a shit. And bad in bed. Mansplaining cunt.

BruceAndNosh · 06/06/2021 22:14

Selfish self absorbed people are rarely good in bed.

I'm fucking marvellous Grin

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 06/06/2021 22:32

@youvegottenminuteslynn

And BTW, you are really REALLY bad in bed. I know you think you are great but you are terrible.

Ah but @R0SEMARY if you'd only let John mansplain, calmly and patronisingly, what women are supposed to enjoy in bed, you would see your preferences are wrong and he is in fact an absolutely sex god. So he doesn't need to know which day the bins go out or how to parent. Or be a decent human being.

Grin

Oh my goodness @youvegottenminuteslynn you’ve met him haven’t you? He actually told me how good he was in bed before we even had sex .

Of course if I’d been on MN then I’d have known it was a red flag. Among many many others. He was a full bunting of red flags Blush.

OP posts:
Original poster
R0SEMARY · 06/06/2021 22:32

@BruceAndNosh

Selfish self absorbed people are rarely good in bed.

I'm fucking marvellous Grin

Thanks for sharing Grin
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/06/2021 22:50

Hahaha @R0SEMARY I have visions of him believing himself to be a sex god and then when a woman "should" be in the throes of passion, whipping out his cracked screen Nokia (because John hates bloody millennials thinking everyone has to have an iPhone) to go on Google... not for tips on how to improve his performance but for a list of reasons she is doing sex wrong.

Like a man who won't accept help with a DIY job or let you call a professional, instead blaming the tools he's using. Or better yet, blaming you for buying the wrong tools. Because he was too busy with his Very Important Job to research but would be emasculated by another person getting what he perceives to be a 'man' job in his home.

Can you tell I've met a John or two in my time?

Oh John, you arrogant little prick.

noodlezoodle · 07/06/2021 03:05

@R0SEMARY you are an absolute champ, and I hope you don't mind if I steal "full bunting of red flags" because it's fabulous.

pointythings · 07/06/2021 09:56

Been following your threads, ROSEMARY and you are awesome!

Emptying the joint account is going to look very bad for him in court. So don't give him anything he wants and put him in a position where he has to explain in court why he did that.

grapewine · 07/06/2021 10:36

Ha, you're awesome.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/06/2021 11:48

@Ireallymustgetup

I was able to close the joint accounts I had with my ex over the phone in a few mins. He had been telling me we needed to fill in forms and go into a branch.
For my bank, my ex-husband did have to sign the forms to close the joint account. They definitely wouldn't do it over the phone, I had to go into a branch with the form!
BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/06/2021 11:51

Pressed post too soon 🙄 You're cracking me up OP 😂

Ellie56 · 07/06/2021 13:01

He actually told me how good he was in bed before we even had sex Hmm

I take it @R0SEMARY you didn't tell him after the first time that he had failed to live up to expectations?

Nove · 07/06/2021 16:54

In fact, I used to have to provide an audience of one whenever he did a diy job so he got the 'oohs and ahhs' he needed to complete the task. He'd say "I need your help" but my 'help' consisted of sitting on the ground/chair and just watching. If I tried to leave he'd say "No, no I'm going to need you in just a minute". Then he'd proceed with the job with many groans, cusswords, and complaints about how impossible it was and that he'd have to call in a professional only to succeed in the end by his magnificent skills and comments on how much money he'd saved us. Cue praise and gratitude. It was exhausting.

OMG Acrossthepond, this was my ex to a T, it drove me totally mental!

NettleTea · 07/06/2021 20:02

@BruceAndNosh

And BTW, you are really REALLY bad in bed. I know you think you are great but you are terrible

This might be a surprise to John but not to us

because these kinds of men never are. Or maybe they were, at the start, to hook you in with all that oxytoxin bonding stuff, but gradually they just arent interested in putting in any effort, and it all goes bad
AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2021 22:50

@Nove

In fact, I used to have to provide an audience of one whenever he did a diy job so he got the 'oohs and ahhs' he needed to complete the task. He'd say "I need your help" but my 'help' consisted of sitting on the ground/chair and just watching. If I tried to leave he'd say "No, no I'm going to need you in just a minute". Then he'd proceed with the job with many groans, cusswords, and complaints about how impossible it was and that he'd have to call in a professional only to succeed in the end by his magnificent skills and comments on how much money he'd saved us. Cue praise and gratitude. It was exhausting.

OMG Acrossthepond, this was my ex to a T, it drove me totally mental!

I'm beginning to think it's a pretty common trait in a lot of men to one degree or another. It seems to range from needing to be thanked for household chores/childcare (things that most women just take for granted) to the 'audience of one' phenomenon that we lived with.

Not to say that we shouldn't let family members know we appreciate them from time to time. It's the constant need for it that does us in.

Original poster
R0SEMARY · 07/06/2021 22:57

@Ellie56

He actually told me how good he was in bed before we even had sex Hmm

I take it @R0SEMARY you didn't tell him after the first time that he had failed to live up to expectations?

I was just about to write that it was pretty good at first, when he made more of an effort. And then I read down the thread and saw that @NettleTea had nailed it.

Like so many things in our marriage. Basically he stopped trying at almost everything as soon as I was pregnant and trapped. Then I got made redundant during maternity leave so I ended up working for him in his business.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 08/06/2021 07:58

Oh, I never clocked it was for an audience until now, I took it as incompetent or lazy, "get me this", "hold that" was do he didn't have to come down the ladder, or have to go & fetch something he had forgotten.
When I retorted that the whole point of him doing it was so that I could get on with something else He got cross.
But Yes, its about showing he is being "the man"
He has a building company, no need for me to be present at all☹️

ToffeeNotCoffee · 08/06/2021 09:40

Like so many things in our marriage. Basically he stopped trying at almost everything as soon as I was pregnant and trapped

When this happens, was this their plan all along ? Or did it just happen i.e. turn out that way ?

Some relationships are ok until they got engaged.........
or
Ok until they got married..............
or
Ok until their baby was on the way.........

Sorry for the thread de-rail.

Back on topic as it's not my thread.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/06/2021 13:54

@ToffeeNotCoffee

Like so many things in our marriage. Basically he stopped trying at almost everything as soon as I was pregnant and trapped

When this happens, was this their plan all along ? Or did it just happen i.e. turn out that way ?

Some relationships are ok until they got engaged.........
or
Ok until they got married..............
or
Ok until their baby was on the way.........

Sorry for the thread de-rail.

Back on topic as it's not my thread.

I don't necessarily think your post was 'off topic'. The primary purpose of threads like OP's is of course to give them support and validation, but a unintentional by-product is that other people may read a thread and gain knowledge from an OP's experience and perhaps the wisdom/courage to avoid or get out of a similar situation.

Your post may very well start some person thinking about their own life.

Orgasmagorical · 08/06/2021 15:37

Absolutely AcrossthePond, that's what had me realising the not so obviously abusive behaviours of my ex were abusive when I discovered MN all those years ago.

SheilaWilcox · 08/06/2021 23:47

....... but a unintentional by-product is that other people may read a thread and gain knowledge from an OP's experience and perhaps the wisdom/courage to avoid or get out of a similar situation.

Your post may very well start some person thinking about their own life.

^This^ is why I wish I'd found MUMSnet before I was a MUM. I would have avoided getting trapped in my current situation.

The OP is an inspiration.