John learns to adult

[R0SEMARY]

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

@BruceAndNosh

I did like the suggestion upthread "May all his laundry have a tissue left in the pocket"

yes, when you do the voodoo doll make sure it's clothes are covered in tissue fluff! Maybe give it a dandruff problem while you're at it?

@sueelleker I did all this for my ex, but promptly stopped when we separated. About 6 months later he rang me asking about the mot for his van, I said I've no idea, apparently he'd had an accident and his insurance company told him his mot ran out a few months ago he got really angry at me for 'not reminding him' I think I may have used 'oh dear' as a response

An insult I read in early days of being on here was “may his next poo be a hedgehog”
Brilliant.

No idea who said it

@RogueMNerHidesUnderBigHat

An insult I read in early days of being on here was “may his next poo be a hedgehog” Brilliant.

No idea who said it

It's an old one, goes back to at least the 1970s. My father was very fond of the fuller version -

'May your next fart be a wet one, and your next jobby a hedgehog.'

@WhereYouLeftIt - was your dad a Scot by any chance?

How did you guess?

Making you laugh was definitely the goal with those rude songs. Glad it worked!

I have to admit, when my ex-fiancé fucked off with his secretary, I was given a lot of bright ideas by friends of what I could do to the house before I left, including radioactive material on the toilet seat, dead rat in the water tank, cress seeds in the carpets etc.

I laughed my way through them all but didn't do any of them in the end - because I wanted to keep my self-respect, for one, but also because he expected me to do something like that and I was damned if I was going to live down to his expectations!!

I did, however, take light fittings and carpets - don't think he was expecting that - and my own father refused to allow me to replace them with light bulbs. They were safe - wiring blocks etc. -- but no light fittings.

Jesus @AmandaHoldensLips 😳

I'm not doubting that your ex was vile but Christ, what you describe ( prawns, woodworm, dog-food pies) is pretty awful. Regardless of what anyone's done, this isn't ok or at all funny, IMO. People talk about revenge such as this bringing satisfaction but I really don't think it does. And it's a horrible way for you to behave, regardless of his actions.

When my abusive ex moved out, months later I found his passport. It merrily got cut up and went in the bin

Gave me small satisfaction as a couple of years later when his new girlfriend took him on holiday (without his son I might add who he has never taken anywhere) he came looking for it last minute. He had to take a little trip to get it in person.

glad things are emoving along op

what about everyday i love you less and less by the kaiser chiefs

@EarringsandLipstick

Jesus *@AmandaHoldensLips* 😳

I'm not doubting that your ex was vile but Christ, what you describe ( prawns, woodworm, dog-food pies) is pretty awful. Regardless of what anyone's done, this isn't ok or at all funny, IMO. People talk about revenge such as this bringing satisfaction but I really don't think it does. And it's a horrible way for you to behave, regardless of his actions.

Between the "...and then everyone clapped" story of the 5mm pests (the treatment for which involves chemicals, not harvesting live ones to sell on) and the fact no one could mistake dog food for human meat unless they were completely asnomic as it smells fucking rank, I think this poster is recounting as fact the things they fantasised about doing.

It was dog food. He was drunk, again, as always, and demanding to be fed. I wish I'd put arsenic in it.

TBH, dog food isn't that bad in terms of feeding it to humans goes.

Dog and cat food both have human taste testers and have to be produced to the same standard as food for humans (well the canned stuff, at least, which is what I'm assuming AmandaHoldensLips used)

no one could mistake dog food for human meat unless they were completely asnomic as it smells fucking rank

Not if you get decent stuff - the canned meat I feed my dog's smells delicious and has identifiable little chicken hearts in it.

I could easily see that you could covertly feed it to someone if you added a bit of gravy and stuck a pie crust on it

I could easily see that you could covertly feed it to someone if you added a bit of gravy and stuck a pie crust on it
Back in the 80's we fed our dog Winalot Prime. I always said you could stick a pastry lid on it!

My sister came to the house she was living with her inlaws in, and helped herself to the delicious stew on the hob. It was dog food.

It possibly contributed to her later antipathy to meat consumption. . .

@AmandaHoldensLips

It was dog food. He was drunk, again, as always, and demanding to be fed. I wish I'd put arsenic in it.

You sound like a creative cook, I applaud you.

Good luck on Saturday.
I wonder how much extra stuff of his you can get in the garage before then???

@SheilaWilcox

Good luck on Saturday. I wonder how much extra stuff of his you can get in the garage before then???

That's not a bad idea!

If they've been hired to clean out the garage I doubt very much he's given them a list of items to be removed. I'd box/bag up as much of his attic/basement crap as I could and toss it in. Even if all you manage to add is a box or bag or two, hey, at least it's that much less crap you're going to have to haul away eventually.

Don't forget to take your lawnmower out!

I would try and get all of his things into the garage eventually so that you can change the locks.

Happy 'getting rid of all his shite day' op!!

Good luck today!

Gosh, today's the day?

more power to you.

Half way through the day - hope all is going swimmingly.