Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Naimee87, sorry I just read my post back. I was actually making a general comment about levels of communication once you are in a relationship, referring mostly to the discussion earlier yesterday prompted by clovertoast and Mr P. You’re absolutely right that too much intense messaging and even dates can lead to a false sense that it’s all going amazingly well and there’s a huge connection etc. I’ve trotted out this mantra several times before on here but there’s no short cut to long term. To sustain a relationship with someone requires effort, enthusiasm and commitment. I’m sure we’ve all met someone and we thought this is it, they’re great .. only for them a couple of dates later to say or do something that niggles and then the niggle grows and before long you realise they aren’t quite what you are looking for.
In the case of early intense love bombers they’re going out all guns blazing to get you but when it’s not quite what they hoped for they will disappear just as quickly and will have moved on to the next person. A proper connection takes time to build - with anyone not just potential partners.

Glad you're feeling better @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards 😊 good luck with the new chats

@30somethingandstillsingle only you can decide if you can live with the uncertainty, especially as you know he is capable of lying. Personally I couldn't do it (but my ex dh did cheat on me after 2 decades together so I'm probably not the most trusting of people). I had an iron i got on well with but he admitted to still living with ex. We continued to chat a bit longer but in the end I said his situation wasn't for me and didn't meet.

As for me, I got to spend an afternoon and evening with MrHair yesterday for first time and his first sleepover 😁 we had a lovely time so still going well. I had a couple of old irons that I am still occasionally in contact with on social media contact me again yesterday suggesting meets after I put a pic on social media 🤦‍♀️ one I never got round to meeting and the other I did, bump into quite a bit as local, but never progressed past a first date - his side i guess as I fancied him. I suspect they were both bored and lonely on a bank holiday 🤣 they asked whether dating so I have told them dating someone at moment

@Slothmomma

Glad you're feeling better *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* 😊 good luck with the new chats

@30somethingandstillsingle only you can decide if you can live with the uncertainty, especially as you know he is capable of lying. Personally I couldn't do it (but my ex dh did cheat on me after 2 decades together so I'm probably not the most trusting of people). I had an iron i got on well with but he admitted to still living with ex. We continued to chat a bit longer but in the end I said his situation wasn't for me and didn't meet.

As for me, I got to spend an afternoon and evening with MrHair yesterday for first time and his first sleepover 😁 we had a lovely time so still going well. I had a couple of old irons that I am still occasionally in contact with on social media contact me again yesterday suggesting meets after I put a pic on social media 🤦‍♀️ one I never got round to meeting and the other I did, bump into quite a bit as local, but never progressed past a first date - his side i guess as I fancied him. I suspect they were both bored and lonely on a bank holiday 🤣 they asked whether dating so I have told them dating someone at moment

Thanks @Slothmomma! Glad to read that things with you and Mr. Hair are going swimmingly 🙂❤️

Placeholder for catching up with this fast moving thread 🧵 later

Hope everyone is well! ♥️

Thank you @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards. I hope you're feeling better today.

@Isitreallyme77

Thank you *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*. I hope you're feeling better today.

@Isitreallyme77 you're very welcome 😊 looking forward to hearing how it goes 😀

I'm feeling much better now, thank you ❤️

@Onesmallstep67 I never thought about it like that actually that they might have been wanting or looking for something else, i guess i only had my only feelings in my head and assumed these must be the same for him too. The disappointment is just hard to deal with especially when you've got kids you need to be there for and a job to concentrate on. For some reason all my energy went into trying to figure out what happened and what i should have done differently. Which i now know is absolutely nothing. I am also guilty of seeing things long-term rather than going slowly and really enjoying the early stages of getting to know someone properly. I'm too quick to chase the ones i see the instant spark with and inevitably scare them off and then on the other hand write off the ones too quickly that i should invest a little time in. Its been a strange few months of having been so let down to having to let someone down i can see both sides and neither are at all easy to deal with. Not yet ready for any of the app-shenanigans though. Taking a few weeks maybe months just to enjoy the free head-space i have back

Something MrWG said last summer, before I started pursuing him like a wasp after a jam tart, was that people on OLD say they are "looking for a long term relationship" and seem to think people they meet have to invest in that concept straight away as well. It's like saying you want a multi million pound business. You have to start somewhere and build it up.

OLD does not lend itself to "start slowly" and see how things go. It's a bit all in, all on the same page, full steam ahead, shag on date three if not hideous and then step back a bit and assess later or if you have the "exclusive" chat.

I mean, it is what it is, but we have to accept its short comings.

I had date 2 with Mr Close Sun night - just out for a couple of drinks. It was an ok evening. Not sure whether to give a 3rd date a go - I don’t feel a real spark but then I’m not repulsed ! I think I haven’t been on dates for so long I just have no idea how I should feel.

I think I would want it to work as practically it suits me - he has a child so responsibilities so would probably be a date out one night in a weekend - then if we were a couple the kids could meet and see each other on the weekend etc - I always look too far ahead I know!!!
But - I don’t think I’m smiling enough - he’s a bit moany , a bit like being on a date with Victor Meldrew especially if he gets onto the subject of Covid. I wear a mask but he doesn’t and won’t have the vaccine. Which I’m absolutely fine with, it took me ages to research it and decide to have it so I perfectly understand and accept that people have different opinions and I don’t care either way. But I don’t want someone constantly banging on about it. Plus he was just moaning about being cold as we were sat outside , so the waiter came and put the heater on, I just told him to shut up and stop moaning. He’s used to a younger girl ‘on his arm’ and paying for everything etc. But I’m the same age as him, completely independent , I’m not impressed by material things etc.

I’m minded to maybe do a third date and see how I feel. He’s quite a decent bloke, and we have good chats, and our DD’s are similar age so we have a lot in common. I’m just not excited……

@GaraMedouar

I had date 2 with Mr Close Sun night - just out for a couple of drinks. It was an ok evening. Not sure whether to give a 3rd date a go - I don’t feel a real spark but then I’m not repulsed ! I think I haven’t been on dates for so long I just have no idea how I should feel.

I think I would want it to work as practically it suits me - he has a child so responsibilities so would probably be a date out one night in a weekend - then if we were a couple the kids could meet and see each other on the weekend etc - I always look too far ahead I know!!!
But - I don’t think I’m smiling enough - he’s a bit moany , a bit like being on a date with Victor Meldrew especially if he gets onto the subject of Covid. I wear a mask but he doesn’t and won’t have the vaccine. Which I’m absolutely fine with, it took me ages to research it and decide to have it so I perfectly understand and accept that people have different opinions and I don’t care either way. But I don’t want someone constantly banging on about it. Plus he was just moaning about being cold as we were sat outside , so the waiter came and put the heater on, I just told him to shut up and stop moaning. He’s used to a younger girl ‘on his arm’ and paying for everything etc. But I’m the same age as him, completely independent , I’m not impressed by material things etc.

I’m minded to maybe do a third date and see how I feel. He’s quite a decent bloke, and we have good chats, and our DD’s are similar age so we have a lot in common. I’m just not excited……

@GaraMedouar sorry to hear about that. He does sound a bit like he likes the sound of his own voice.

I would be minded not to agree to a second date if you feel like this now. It's of course your choice if you want to take it further though ❤️

@GaraMedouar Third date sorry, should really learn to read properly 😂😂

@30somethingandstillsingle you should always listen to your gut and none of us can know exactly what his situation is - but just to give another perspective on the still-living-with-the-ex-and-doing-family-stuff-together situation. For years, I spent Christmas, Easter, birthdays with my ex, who I am finally about to be extricated from in a more permanent way. We have family dinners together, have gone out with common friends, his MIL + his BIL + family have been to stay and we've all done family stuff together. As we were stuck in a house together for financial reasons and were being civil with each other and wanted the best for the DC it would have been extremely odd for me to stay upstairs in my bedroom while the rest of the family were downstairs having dinner. Or in the garden having a barbecue. We have been emotionally disconnected for years, I was in love with someone else while we were having family times together and he knew that and it didn't matter. Luckily my BF at the time understood the situation and it was so clear that there was nothing left between ex and me - BF knew I was desperate to leave but until it was possible I was going to do what I could not to have the children grow up in a toxic environment.

Your iron (sorry, forgot his name) might be in a similar space, in which case I wouldn't worry as he seems very keen on you and worried about losing you because of a situation that is difficult to resolve. He might not, and we all know the perils of misplacing our trust, but I just wanted to share that the situation in itself may not be a problem. I have a friend in a similar situation, btw, and she also hates living with her ex and is OLD with no residual emotional connection to ex. Good luck whatever you decide.

Haha @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - no worries. Yes I suppose he does like the sound of his own voice !
I know deep down (actually not that deep !) that he’s not ‘the one’ but just trying to enjoy the moment I suppose.

I’ve just matched with someone else from tinder - again not my physical type but had a nice kind face and his first message was reams of writing - much nicer than just a hi. So we sent a few messages - but he’s around 1 hour drive from me . Which wouldn’t be brilliant.

I had to live with my ex (no joint kids, his one teenage son) for nine months after splitting up. I did some OLD but I doubt it could really have gone very far.

I explained before I met them though, none seemed bothered.

But hiding things is another issue in itself isn't it?

Yes this makes sense actually doesn't it. The OLD scene is really hit and miss. A friend always told me OLD would never ever amount to anything. She was off the apps for ages, but one night bored decided to try her luck and 5 months later her one an only match are still going strong, even introducing children and going on holidays (abiding by the rules to some extent i guess) I thought i had managed to find a good one really, we made it last a fair while till he pulled away and gave lame excuses. Just shows me that i really don't have the best judge of character. It is funny though as i am now learning that when i feel they come on too strong this must be exactly how i behave too. Such a turn off!

@GaraMedouar

Haha *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* - no worries. Yes I suppose he does like the sound of his own voice ! I know deep down (actually not that deep !) that he’s not ‘the one’ but just trying to enjoy the moment I suppose.

I’ve just matched with someone else from tinder - again not my physical type but had a nice kind face and his first message was reams of writing - much nicer than just a hi. So we sent a few messages - but he’s around 1 hour drive from me . Which wouldn’t be brilliant.

@GaraMedouar nothing wrong with enjoying the moment 🙂

Yeah, the locality of the other guy is a bit of a problem. There's no harm in just chatting with him though ❤️

I'm back on Bumble, and have got a chat going with someone currently. (let's call him Mr. HR. Yep, he works in the same industry I'm studying in!) he seems okay and easy to talk to. Liking the way he paces his messages too.

We started chatting by sending IT Crowd and Peep Show gifs to each other 😊

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - yay, that’s good to hear you have another chat going - and it’s nice when you find something in common like you laugh at the same things etc. Enjoy

[quote GaraMedouar]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - yay, that’s good to hear you have another chat going - and it’s nice when you find something in common like you laugh at the same things etc. Enjoy [/quote]
@GaraMedouar Thank you ❤️

@30somethingandstillsingle I'm here with my 'against the grain' take on things 🙈 but while the BBQ thing would sting me a bit I also feel like this is something that shows a lovely family. Have you asked him what his family/parents feel about the split? I still get invites to my ex's gatherings and really wouldn't want to finish this because I'd met someone else. If it was possible, as with my exH then the girlfriend and exW could be there without issue. It's the feeling of being left out that would bother me but I'm not sure where you are in terms of meeting his friends and family etc. This also still happens on MrM's side and I wouldn't want to try to make it stop either. But I'm well aware I'm in the fairly empty camp of 'can't we all just get along'.

I agree with others @30somethingandstillsingle I don't live with my ex. But because of children we are linked forever. I get on with and still speak to his parents. Do Christmas together and yes I'd go for a BBQ. There isn't a hope in hell I'd get back with my ex.

I'd also say he'd actually struggle to do this if there was 'feelings' still there.
I only care about my ex in the 'he's my kids dad' way. So it makes it easier.

@GaraMedouar Did it feel like you had wasted some of your precious time? I remember meeting one man who i had the best connection with over the phone (big mistake as previously discussed have learned from this experience) and seeing him i just felt so disappointed. He'd come a whole 1h30minutes by train so we had the WHOLE afternoon together and all i wanted to do was for him to leave. He was nice enough, funny and we had quite a few things in common but no 'spark' at all and no desire to see him again. But again perhaps i was being too dismissive as i never did see him again... i judged so soon on one date.

@Naimee87 - no it didn’t feel like I’d wasted my time - date 1 we had a curry , and date 2 a few drinks - both evenings were nice , to get out I suppose - I don’t go ‘out out’ ever so I enjoyed them. I’ll probably do a 3rd date just to see how I feel but I wouldn’t want to keep him hanging if he’s keen. I think maybe for both of us we think oh this’d be good if it worked out - purely for practical reasons (gosh I’m so dull!) .
I just don’t know if I should be feeling more of a spark but I’m mid fifties and feel very weary with everything, life, men so I don’t even know what I’d want. I think I want a boyfriend quite simply - someone to date once a week , a plus one for things, but not live with them . So an exclusive relationship but without too much pressure from either side (I have a young DD so it’s tricky). But would probably still want more of a spark - but I don’t know if that would grow.

My first iron Mr S - I built up such a connection on the phone. We texted and chatted hugely - so much pressure on us but IRL it didn’t really translate either. Very disappointing. I thought he was the one !! Ha ha. Then I found these threads - wish I’d read them before

@GaraMedouar Oh my god your last sentence 'Mr S' this was my code name for the man I am (still) trying to get over...we had such a great connection perfect 'spark', chemistry 'the works' or so I thought. I was left very disappointed and still have to hold back from sending silly messages just to see if he still thinks of me which CLEARLY he isn't. What a wonderful man he was! I sure do know how to pick em.

I'm 34 and think it'd take a hell of a lot for me to trust someone and make them become a part of our family and us become part of theirs. I have trust issues from being let down in the past when i was under the impression everything was going just swimmingly. I've been on my own with my son (11) (and dog) for a while now and we've such a nice life. Admittedly when my DS is invited out for sleepovers short notice or when planning holidays it'd be nice to have someone to do those sorts of things with. I've learned though it's better to be happy in your own company than be with someone just so you aren't alone...
Definitely intrigued to hear how your next date goes then keep me posted!

It was a no from my interview last week. They gave really good feedback and I aligned with their values but ultimately there was someone with more specific experience that fitted the role.

I feel like second best again. Going to try and not let it get me too down. At least it's positive feedback and I'm doing better in interviews than I have been. It's disappointing to be so close but so far again.
Onwards with the search for both a man and a job.

@Dancerinthemoonlight sorry to hear that you didn't get the job but pleased to hear that things are turning around

@GaraMedouar I feel / felt so similar but MrBear has somewhat upended what I wanted as actually he's just a really nice human being that I have loads of chemistry with. However no need to 'date' him, can you friend him and then up to him if he wants to carry on with the current arrangement?

@ everyone else

Yay to boundaries!
Down with twats!

Totally gutted for you @striding that the worm turned out to be just that. So pleased that you've dusted yourself off. He doesn't deserve a moment's thought and we've all been there. Both times mine dragged on much longer than they should have done. So I'm pleased it is all over and done with