Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I've just been catching up with the thread, but just wanted to reply to you @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - I hope you take this in the spirit it's meant.

Firstly, don't feel ashamed at still being a virgin. I'm not sure how old you are, but I was in my 20s when I first slept with someone, and was very shy and lacking in self-confidence. It will happen when it's right, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I was so amazed when I managed to find someone who did want to sleep with me and go out with me, and she broke my heart when she broke up with me a couple of years later as I was utterly convinced I'd never find anyone even a fraction as good as her. It took a long time to get over her, and in fact I started going to therapy to try and help. I can guarantee that at some point, you will 100% be over your ex, and will probably wonder what you even saw in him. I actually bumped into her just over a year ago, and honestly I didn't feel a thing - it felt like our relationship was from a different lifetime ago, and I am a much different person now.

I think others who have suggested you should work on your self-confidence/esteem are right, and I hope you don't take this as an attack on you - I've been there myself, as have many others on this thread. You're not alone in what you're feeling.

But for someone to love you, you need to love yourself first. From what you've said on here, I'm not sure you're in this place yet. Men will pick up on that, and it's not particularly attractive. It will turn into a vicious cycle - you feeling that you're not good enough will push people away, and that will just convince you even more that you're not good enough and so on. Online dating is brutal at times, and I think everyone here would agree that we've all suffered from it. I like to think I'm pretty resilient, and have good self-esteem but if you've seen some of my posts over this year you'll know that at times it's really hit my confidence, and I've felt so so low with the constant rejection, and wondering why no one wants to date me. I still wonder that now, but I'm pretty sure now it's them, not me :D

When you get lots of advice on here at a time you're feeling low it can feel like a bit of a pile-on - I've had this myself a year or so ago, and I took a break from posting. But this place is so helpful and supportive, so I hope you stick around.

@TheCatWithTheHat

I've just been catching up with the thread, but just wanted to reply to you *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* - I hope you take this in the spirit it's meant.

Firstly, don't feel ashamed at still being a virgin. I'm not sure how old you are, but I was in my 20s when I first slept with someone, and was very shy and lacking in self-confidence. It will happen when it's right, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I was so amazed when I managed to find someone who did want to sleep with me and go out with me, and she broke my heart when she broke up with me a couple of years later as I was utterly convinced I'd never find anyone even a fraction as good as her. It took a long time to get over her, and in fact I started going to therapy to try and help. I can guarantee that at some point, you will 100% be over your ex, and will probably wonder what you even saw in him. I actually bumped into her just over a year ago, and honestly I didn't feel a thing - it felt like our relationship was from a different lifetime ago, and I am a much different person now.

I think others who have suggested you should work on your self-confidence/esteem are right, and I hope you don't take this as an attack on you - I've been there myself, as have many others on this thread. You're not alone in what you're feeling.

But for someone to love you, you need to love yourself first. From what you've said on here, I'm not sure you're in this place yet. Men will pick up on that, and it's not particularly attractive. It will turn into a vicious cycle - you feeling that you're not good enough will push people away, and that will just convince you even more that you're not good enough and so on. Online dating is brutal at times, and I think everyone here would agree that we've all suffered from it. I like to think I'm pretty resilient, and have good self-esteem but if you've seen some of my posts over this year you'll know that at times it's really hit my confidence, and I've felt so so low with the constant rejection, and wondering why no one wants to date me. I still wonder that now, but I'm pretty sure now it's them, not me :D

When you get lots of advice on here at a time you're feeling low it can feel like a bit of a pile-on - I've had this myself a year or so ago, and I took a break from posting. But this place is so helpful and supportive, so I hope you stick around.

@TheCatWithTheHat- thank you so much for such a sensitively worded post. Very much appreciated. 🙂

I think that me and you sound very alike from reading this back as it seems that we both just want someone to treat us as an equal and not back out when the chips are down. I do see a lot of myself in your post.

I'm 28, so still young.

I think that I just need a bit more time just to get over things and let myself feel better. I know I'm not just going to wake up one day and decide to love myself.

I've had CBT in the past, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2014, but found didn't work for me as it was just a matter of ticking a worksheet saying how you feel on a particular day.

I found it interesting to read that you've had a similar experience to me. I just want to say that I'm so sorry that's happened it's so difficult when someone seems to be all over you one minute and suddenly backing away the next. This was exactly the situation with my ex, so I can relate strongly.

I'll be sticking around on the thread, but I probably not post as regularly. I do feel this thread has turned into a bit of a pile on towards me, so perhaps it'll help me to just step back a tiny bit. ❤️

Hugs @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards xx none of us are judging you one tiny bit, about anything! . Hope you feel better today. Xx

@Eesha Flexible sounds great, hopefully it will work out although its always daunting at the start going full time when you have kids (and no support from the other parent)

@bangheadhere40 I know I have very high barriers after my marriage and I have closed my heart (which too be fair I did in my marriage after he emotionally cheated from year 1) but it was a shock that I'm actively seeking emotionally unavailable men.
Honestly this book is a revelation.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i'm so pleased you are still here. That was a very brave post and i think you deserve a lot of praise for it. Also i admire you too. I think it isn't anything to be ashamed of you can be proud of who you are. Some people may disagree here but sleeping around is really easy and but far from fulfilling in fact it's the opposite. So you're completely doing the right thing here. I hope you feel a slight weight is off your shoulders. Sending you a huge hug and and a
@TheCatWithTheHat it is really cool to have a man's perspective here as often i lump them all into one category given past experiences. All but one that is, who was super decent but there was no chemistry. As much as I wanted there to be after several dates which were a lot of fun it just was never going to evolve from friendship. Seems the issues faced are somewhat the same for men in the OLD world. Are you still searching... any success?
I think there doesn't seem to be a 'one size fits all' timeframe to get over someone regardless of how much time you were together. This may also not be a popular opinion but i think some short relationships can be very intense so when they 'end' abruptly the 'hurt/shock' is also felt more intensely. But like pp said walking away is sometimes the best option and refocusing on yourself and all the positives you have in your life. I was never able to do this a few years ago, i always compared myself to everyone else, all my married friends and loved up coupled friends. Stayed away from parties/events where i would be 'the single one.' Now i couldn't care less, i'm there and usually end up a sounding board listening to all my friends moan about their partners!

Also sending you a hug @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards you come across as such a lovely person. I know it must've taken a lot for you to write your post but do please know there's nothing to be embarrassed about. For me at least even though we're nearly the same age you triggered my protective mother instinct and I just want the best for you.
So rather predictably really as soon as I start to move on with the very sweet Mr Dimples, Mr O and Mr Polo have both sidled back in. I've deleted Mr O and Mr Polo has been told in no uncertain terms where I stand.
Well, hello boundaries, I've been hoping you'd show up!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I don't ever talk about what my ex did, we have a great relationship now but if people ask they get the edited version (we grew apart, there is a lot more). I'm saying this because we all have bad relationships, mine destroyed my self-worth but I took time out and worked on myself, it took me a few years but I got there. I'm much stronger now, it doesn't mean what happened with Computer Geek didn't hurt because it did, he was the first man I got intimate with since my ex and I wanted that to be with someone special who wouldn't just disappear, it turned out to be a ginormous mess but in his defence he only disappeared after we had a row over him lying to people (he was even if he doesn't see not telling people he has moved out as lying).

But I will repeat what Mr Confused said to me as it applies to you too, "you be you, it will only come out in the wash eventually." I so wish this man lived closer and wanted to date as he would be my champion every day.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - everyone else has talked very eloquently.

Just want you to know that I would reckon most people have felt like you do at some time in their life. Even the gorgeous model like woman who looks ultra confident. It very much feels that you are alone but you’re not. I had zero self esteem as a child, and young woman mainly due to an emotionally abusive father . I made a very poor marriage choice because I thought I wasn’t worth anything else. I was late thirties before I started working on my self esteem, we divorced - but even then I still worked on myself for many years and still in my fifties I am a work in progress.

Please stick around and take heart. When I joined OLD my friend said I had to toughen up as I’m too much of a softie. I’ve learnt that I can’t expect everyone to have my morals and values. There are arseholes out there. But I’m hoping some good guys for us all to find. And especially for you ❤️ - we’ve got to know you and see your worth xx

I’ve left it a day to respond to MrPM and MrC.

Might extend to two.

It’s not really a case of playing hard to get but I genuinely have a lot on - away again end of this month and back at the open gym now 💪🏽👌.

as I tend to plan and organise in my head lots I’ve tended to “overfunction” when I meet people I like?

And I feel like I’m often playing this role where I’m “jollying men along” a bit (or even friends - have had an introverted few years but a lot of my ex-friends were users!)

I’d like to step out of this role

Now I’m unleashing my inner “billie Eilish” and just pouting at my phone like😐

Mr Jujitsu and I have been messaging all the time. I’ve been distracted from work. So I’ve said from today my phone is switched off between 9.30am and 5.30pm!

He’s fine with that. It’s just mad - got meet up next week - will be good to get that done so at least we’ll know if there’s a mutual spark. I do hope so.

Oh well even if not I’ll have had two weeks of feeling like a girl again - can’t stop smiling and as I walk down for school pick up I’m cheerily waving and saying hello to everyone. (Not like me at all!)

That sounds very sorted and sensible @GaraMedouar - it’s nice to be excited and optimistic and “into” the guys you’re chatting to,

(but also being mindful that the physical meets are the main thing).

I’m actually looking forward to going back on the apps now places are open - want to try some new restaurants and sit in bars like a pretentious wannabe yuppie twat now!

Need to take some more selfie photos as with the sunshine I’m all tanned 😎👌

I’ve got some quite fruity looking sundresses I’m giving away this summer as I advance to minimalist living

so it would be nice if our lovely men of the apps Sea of Twats could provide me with some appropriate occasions

• I mean for me to wear dresses on a date not for the irons to wear 😳

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I agree - no one wakes up one day and suddenly becomes confident, and loves themselves. It takes a lot of time, work, and for some of us including myself, therapy. In fact, it's probably something that never stops.

I'll also agree that you come across as a lovely person - focus on that, enjoy the lovely weather we're having this week and hopefully you'll feel a little better :) I've also found stepping away from the apps really helps my mental health - they are addictive, and not good for you if you're feeling vulnerable or down.

I found myself in a spiral earlier this year where I felt down (out of work, unable to meet anyone nice on the apps etc...). I spent more and more time swiping, paying for boosts on the apps etc... and it just made me feel worse as I couldn't get any matches. I was spending hours a day on the apps, and the more I did it, the more depressed I felt. I had a few matches and dates, but they weren't right for me and it just made me feel even worse. I know I have a lot going for me, but it just made me feel unlovable, and very lonely. The thing that helped get through that was deleting some of the apps, and spending more time on the things I enjoy - it made me realise that even if I don't have that special someone right now, I can enjoy my life alone - and in fact, I can do things at the moment that I may not have the chance to do if/when I meet someone and get into a relationship.

@Naimee87 yep, we face some of the same issues (although thankfully not the constant worry of dick pics!) and it can be tough for us too. I've cut down on my swiping recently as I've been focussing on enjoying my photography hobby and finding a new job, which it looks like I have (just waiting for the contract to be sent through). So that's a big relief after being on the bench for 3+ months! And actually means more to me than meeting someone, so I'm feeling good about that :)

Although saying that, I did match with someone (Miss Saigon) a couple of weeks ago, and we met for a walk and drink the weekend before last. I saw her again last weekend, and we've got a third date this evening. I'm not sure she's Miss Right as I don't feel that almost instant connection I had with Miss C almost 2 years ago, but she's nice, we seem to find each other attractive and have plenty in common so I'm just seeing what happens and trying not to overthink things.

Congratulations on job @TheCatWithTheHat well deserved Just make the most of the downtime before it starts now!

@TheCatWithTheHat - congratulations on the job. That’s great news. And also sounds like it’s going well with Miss Saigon - all is looking up.

@SpringlikeBunk - tanned and little summer dresses ! You will be unstoppable

For my meet next week I don’t know what to wear. I like cold weather so I can cover up or at least wear tights/leggings with a dress. That’s not going to be possible as it’s so hot. I’m going to melt and be a sweaty mess. Aargh. We’re going to walk along the seafront so hoping there’s a breeze to keep me cool and gently waft my tousled hair behind me in a seductive manner! Or into my face, suntan dripping down into my eyes , contacts excruciating and my eyes watering, mascara all over. Aaargh.

@GaraMedouar

I keep fantasising about a romantic break away with a guy

but on reflection I think keeping travel and men separate is good due to the challenges of looking cute

I had a great time this last weekend and just packed a few comfy sports things and didn’t wash or shave much!

@SpringlikeBunk - sounds perfect. It’s been so long - I’m out of practise of looking presentable, particularly after a year of WFH too!!!

Congratulations on the jobs @Eesha and @TheCatWithTheHat - I think if one area in your life starts going right then you can look at other areas with more positivity- hope things go well on your date this evening Cat
Gara love that smiley feeling when you’re grinning at the phone like a loon
Spring get that selfie game on when the tan and the clothes are working - Have you decided what you are going to do about your two suitors?

@Mayzee Thank you! I genuinely felt as soon as i got it, i didn't care about anything else, and then weirdly had irons flocking to me. Like Cat, it means more to me to have a job than anything else dating related.

@Dancerinthemoonlight i never thought i'd buy all the 'self-love' talk everyone raved about but actually it is what you have to be able to do before you can get into a relationship. If you don't know your own worth and see your own life as being the one you want how can anyone else and why would they choose to be in it. It's all really hippy and a few years ago i'd have shrugged it off as such stupid advice but here i am having put in the effort to accept my life and from there i've grown to love it a lot!
@SpringlikeBunk oh the dreaded selfie? i'm no fan of these, not sure about you. I'd be so curious to see how other girls profiles are as i'm sure mine is super tame bordering on 'dull' but i think that has helped me swerve the 'dick picks' @TheCatWithTheHat i never received them. Although one man did ask if he could play with my feet when we met! We NEVER met! Shame i bet he was a keeper i always was really quick to unmatch someone who went right in with 'sex' chat or just asked for more photo's. Well done on the job front! What industry are you in? No worries if you don't want to reveal any details!

the dreaded selfie? i'm no fan of these, not sure about you. I'd be so curious to see how other girls profiles are as i'm sure mine is super tame bordering on 'dull' but i think that has helped me swerve the 'dick picks'

My photos are very dull. I don't have a great hit rate on the apps as I really don't take a good photo. But men who meet me always want to see me again, so I'm OK in person - interesting enough I think, and men tell me they find me attractive.

I have zero filters (no idea how to do them anyway) or other such nonsense. No make up on in any of my photos I don't think. And one has my hair all over my face from the wind.

But I'm not sure how to make them better because I quite simply look awful in photos! I'm better animated.

I'm the same, much better in person. I'm not a hair/make-up person either. My idea of a hell-ish weekend is a spa one! I also have the most unruly hair so hairdresser appointments are like 3hrs long for a simple trim. I'd love to be more 'girly' but it isn't me and i think it was @Isitreallyme77 that said the real you will always show eventually no matter how glamorous you make photo's. And you hear horror stories of fake nails, fake eyelashes and fake tan, why bother? Hope i don't upset anyone on here by saying any of this. I'm sure any of you girls who love all this stuff are experts at applying it and look drop dead gorgeous. @TheCatWithTheHat that goes for you too with the 'glam-selfies' i'm sure you're a real pro too! And never leave without you're back-up bottle of fake-tan and spare set of eye-lashes!

@Naimee87 I think that's what Mr Confused was getting at, you can plaster on make up, put on a girly dress but if it isn't you it will show eventually. Just like me toning down my sarcasm wouldn't be me. I looked him up on his website and he specialises in low self-esteem and low self-confidence which is probably why he said what he did to me. He also wrote a really good piece on the "masks" that we wear, putting on a brave face when we are feeling anything but for instance, which I found myself nodding in agreement with (I really wish I could share it but then it would give away who he is).

I agree with the selfies thing - I often think I don't look attractive enough, but that's me so they need to like it if they want anything further!

I think I know the answer to this, but Mr F and I spoke briefly yesterday about the hiccup and are supposed to be talking/seeing each other tonight. I sent a goodnight message last night and have heard nothing from him since... Previously he was messaging good morning every day. That's not on, is it? To expect me to just hang around waiting on his call?! And to disregard my feelings this early on...