Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@cravingthelook

I understand *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* But we can agree to disagree re Mr Bookworm.

I also understand you aren't in a great place, please do not continue to talk to men re potential dating. You don't sound like you are ready to date and irons will pick up on this and as you say ... will go off and talk to someone else. It will then continue to hurt you over and over. It's like you are setting them up to do this and prove to yourself you aren't good enough.

You are the kind of person that I get annoyed with online, if you aren't ready to date don't match with me/talk to me.

I'm in therapy for my traumas and it's the best thing I ever did. Perhaps you want to consider it for yourself. Or you'll never be able to move on. You really need a boost of self esteem.

@cravingthelook this is harsh. It took a lot for me to write my last post, and it seems like you're just flinging things at me and you've just made me feel worse to be honest.

I think I'm going to step away from the thread for a while. I hope everyone finds what they're looking for. I'm very grateful for all the support there been offered to me

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I think everyone is just concerned for your wellbeing. I've had lots of therapy since I ended my marriage (although perhaps not enough judging by my latest situation) and one of the many epiphanies I had was, I am lovable with or without a man. And goodness knows men, and my family, have not given me reason to believe this, I got there on my own. That kind of self acceptance has to come from within you first. Otherwise we are handing someone the power to destroy us and nobody deserves that much power or wants it usually.

Multi dating/chatting is the accepted thing with OLD for most people. Wrong? Not per se. Morally questionable? Perhaps. And definitely if both parties don't know where they stand on it. I myself have been guilty of this recently, meeting for 1st dates with two men within a week. Unfortunately OLD perhaps encourages a cavalier attitude towards other people's feelings, so it does really help to be in a strong place before engaging with it.

I myself have concluded that I am not in a strong place and need to prioritise my wellbeing so I can be available for my dc and not on the roller-coaster of dating. For now. Mr Blue Eyes and I are going to build a friendship and that's all I'm capable of at the moment I think. It doesn't leave much alternative to meet prospective partners, but maybe I'll be stronger in a little while and re enter the shark infested waters! I think what OLD often severely lacks is honesty. And that includes honesty with ourselves about what we're ready for

I'm sensitive when talking about sex with men, due to personal reasons.

I'm 53 and I still don't like talking about sex with men I don't know. But the difference is, I have learned that decent men don't do that. So when men do it, I end the chat and unmatch them.

That's the bit you need to work on - you rejecting them, instead of going along with things you don't like and letting them manipulate you and make you uncomfortable until they drop you. He didn't get "bored of you", he was an unpleasant man trying to groom you into bed.

That was totally on him, not you.

You are ready to date, I disagree with craving there, but you need to take it slowly - which you are doing now. And don't show men where your vulnerabilities are - be like Superman with his kryptonite and guard it with your life.

Men who like you won't get bored of you. And, to be honest, we've all been hurt and badly let down by partners/lovers/friends, even family. But we have to learn to live our lives despite all that.

Sorry this thread has turned into a bit of a pile on to you and I think it's a bit unfair on you.

Yep onwards it's horrible when they do...I was so upset still am really when I realised this sex talk meant nothing to him. I told him as well how much it took for me to trust him and be vulnerable with him like that.

I'm sorry but don't go...no one means to get at you...we just want the best for you really. I completely understand how horrible and used you feel...like I did x

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

It’s great having you here, if you need to step away for a bit and collect your thoughts then do, but I enjoy seeing your posts and will look forward to having you back

I think maybe as you’re a bit younger than most of the thread, a few posters are worried about you dating from a fairly emotionally vulnerable position?

It’s just a lot of us have “been there” with horrible ex’s and being dumped or single is a LOT better than being in a controlling or abusive relationship.

I know as I didn’t have good role models/an emotionally supportive family/low self esteem I ended up making some fairly bad dating decisions in my 20’s as I was too keen to get into a relationship and be loved and not be lonely, and “predators” could sense that?

Even now I’ve done a lot of work on my boundaries and am continuing to improve.

Obviously some flirtation is nice, but if I’m thinking “I need to talk about this or they won’t like me” that’s a sign I need to detach?

It means my dating life has been quite slow paced as I’m “filtering out” more but it’s definitely helpful emotionally.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i wouldn't leave! I'd stay! Honestly posting on here has really helped me and admittedly some of the advice you get is tough to hear but it's all well intended! And to help others from getting into crap situations that are so avoidable from people that have lived through them! No one know's your personal situation and it is understandable if past experiences have made you wary! I tend to break off chats if they get to 'sexual' it's just not me! I agree with @bangheadhere40 sex chat to men means nothing! They can be doing it with multiple people if they wish! So for me its a total turn off! I also sort of see where @Dancerinthemoonlight is coming from because although he was being a tool (i'm not amerian i just love that word) he actually told you what was happening! Never have i got closure or any kind of conversation out of the last man who i fell for! There one minute gone the next! Any conversation that a man has like that show's some sort of concious! Anyway do what feels right for you but don't just vanish! You came on here for a reason and you should stay!

vm.tiktok.com/ZMd1vK5eA/

Nice one Frankie ! Xx

@bangheadhere40

It's quite easy for them really....they can keep you hanging on with fake interest of texts and calls whilst saying how busy they are but can't wait to see you etc....this never happens.

If you query it and suggest you've been led on they can say " we were just texting " blah blah and hit delete with no comeback. You then think you've been OTT and can even apologise to them!!!

An easy way for them to keep some back burner women around just incase they hit a dry spell with minimal investment, just a load of empty promises.

My goodness I'm rather bitter now 😆

That makes two of us in the bitter camp then 🤣

@Misty9

Me again. So you were right, not ghosted but I think it's over. Basically we've both triggered each other with our responses/behaviour and our fledgling whatever likely won't survive that I feel. We're talking tomorrow. Lots more I could say about how it's affected me, but trying to keep it in perspective.

Oh b*gger. So sorry

Just catching up with the thread and won't repeat what everyone else has said but this is a good gang of people, I think I described it once as like AA for OLD. come to the group, talk through all your shit and get some no nonsense advice.

It has been massively helpful for me - it's coached me through boundary setting, when to unmatch and how to move on. I've had to let some people down and I've had to swallow some fairly shit medicine but I feel way better for it.

I truly wish I'd found you all over a year ago but I was so far gone I didn't even realise I needed my AA gang.

So listen up everyone. Grab a 🫖 a ginor whatever it is that takes your fancy. Sit for five minutes without your phone and make a little list of the positive energy vibes that you're going to create for yourself this weekend. Go birdwatching. Potter in the garden. Take a train somewhere you haven't been in years. Switch off the Fucking phone and put out of office on your WhatsApp. Be cool. Love yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff. And take it from me, unmatching, blocking, moving on or just taking your time is waaaay better than being in the crap 💩 relationship that I've just come out of - like many others on this thread. Save your precious energy and your precious self ♥️♥️♥️ for you or someone else who might deserve you ♥️♥️♥️

Also do adrenaline rush stuff. Loads of it. Build up your confidence and your 'frankly my dear, I don't give a damn'.

@BelladiMamma 👍🏽💪🏽😎

I agree it’s so good to come on here and get advice and support and hear forthright views and experience. It really helps.
to everyone!!

The advice I've had on here has been really helpful, sometimes it may come across as harsh but sometimes I think everyone needs the brutal truth no sugar coating (I have done in the past re Computer Geek).

Something Mr Confused said to me last night when I asked him if I should tone down my sarcasm a bit, he said "no definitely not, you be you, it will come out in the wash eventually so why hide it." He is spot on we should be who we are and we should be proud of who we are. I like this man(not romantic liking, he is fit mind you, but I like his way of thinking) and we seem to have clicked, we have the same sense of humour (his sarcasm is more understated than mine though). But he doesn't want to date which is a shame as we both agree we would get on well.

Mr Cricket and I have agreed to remain friends we both agree decent people are hard to come by at times and we get on really well. He is away on a training course this week with a free meal at a posh restaurant tonight and I've now had the lowdown on his cricket team 🤣.

I think I love you @BelladiMamma can we be best friends?!
Amazing post. Hear, hear ❤️

Seconded @BelladiMamma think your post is amazing. ❤

Hi everyone,

I know I said I was going to disappear for a while, but I've been thinking things over and I really think I need to tell you all the truth about me, and why I feel so insecure and horrible and just... nothing when men and dating are concerned.

I've never done anything like this before, and I can't believe I'm going to do it now.

The truth is... I'm a Virgin. A man has never wanted me enough to have sex with me.

I'm so ashamed of this I could crawl up and die.

I really loved my ex boyfriend, and wanted to do it with him. We were actually planning to go further until he broke my heart and with it any trust I have ever felt for any man ever, and told me one day that I 'wasn't on his level anymore.'

That's why I haven't trusted anyone since, why I think every man I come into contact with me is going to leave, like he did.

That's why i never feel good enough.

My ex and me talked about other things too, like getting married, having kids (we even planned the names of the children we were going to have) and us getting a house together and him getting a head of department role at his work (he's an IT Lecturer) so that we could be settled.

I haven't been the same person since he left. I don't love him any more, I just miss the person he was. I miss when he loved me.

I'm going to stop writing now as I'm in tears writing this.

I hope this post doesn't get reported. I just wanted to explain to you all so that all of you (especially @craving,) would understand.

Sorry to spoil everyone's evening. Hopefully I'll speak to you all soon ❤️

@onwardseverstridingonwards there is nothing to be ashamed of being a virgin. I didn't have sex until I was 25.
Your ex sounds like an idiot (I could say far stronger words) for letting go a sensitive, kind, caring and funny person.

Everyone on this thread just wants you to have the self confidence and self worth from within and not because a man does or doesn't like you. It takes a lot of work on your self to realize that and I only realized it during a break from the apps and lockdown over Christmas.
I think you need to work on learning to love yourself and everything you stand for/believe in. You are loved by so many people.
If you don't mind me asking how long it has been since he told you that?
My inbox is always open for you if you don't want to talk on the thread.

[quote Dancerinthemoonlight]@onwardseverstridingonwards there is nothing to be ashamed of being a virgin. I didn't have sex until I was 25.
Your ex sounds like an idiot (I could say far stronger words) for letting go a sensitive, kind, caring and funny person.

Everyone on this thread just wants you to have the self confidence and self worth from within and not because a man does or doesn't like you. It takes a lot of work on your self to realize that and I only realized it during a break from the apps and lockdown over Christmas.
I think you need to work on learning to love yourself and everything you stand for/believe in. You are loved by so many people.
If you don't mind me asking how long it has been since he told you that?
My inbox is always open for you if you don't want to talk on the thread.[/quote]
@Dancerinthemoonlight ❤️❤️❤️

It was last October when he ended things.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I hope you're ok 🤗

I get what you're saying about missing the old you and missing being loved by your ex but it will get better honestly. As I've said before, my ex dh cheated on me after 2 decades together and 3 young kids. He was the love of my life and it destroyed me. I was heartbroken and my confidence at all time low - I didn't even think about dating for first 2 years. I don't think ill ever properly trust again and I don't think ill ever be fully over him or what he did but 4 years on I am in a much better place. It just takes time

As for being a virgin, that is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is your choice and you will decide when you find the right person for you.

I know some of the advice may have seemed harsh but I'm sure it was all coming from the right place and was being given in with your interests at heart ❤

[quote Slothmomma]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I hope you're ok 🤗

I get what you're saying about missing the old you and missing being loved by your ex but it will get better honestly. As I've said before, my ex dh cheated on me after 2 decades together and 3 young kids. He was the love of my life and it destroyed me. I was heartbroken and my confidence at all time low - I didn't even think about dating for first 2 years. I don't think ill ever properly trust again and I don't think ill ever be fully over him or what he did but 4 years on I am in a much better place. It just takes time

As for being a virgin, that is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is your choice and you will decide when you find the right person for you.

I know some of the advice may have seemed harsh but I'm sure it was all coming from the right place and was being given in with your interests at heart ❤[/quote]
@Slothmomma ❤️

@onwardseverstridingonwards
It is still quite fresh then as it sounds like you were together a long time and very serious until he ended it. I know it's very cliche but time does heal and one day you will realise you haven't thought about him in months.

[quote Dancerinthemoonlight]@onwardseverstridingonwards
It is still quite fresh then as it sounds like you were together a long time and very serious until he ended it. I know it's very cliche but time does heal and one day you will realise you haven't thought about him in months.[/quote]
@Dancerinthemoonlight yeah, we were. He's the only person I've ever really loved. ❤️

I still think about him, despite myself ❤️