Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I have a date tomorrow night.
He is a bit of a distance but meeting roughly half way at his suggestion. The place suits me perfectly as I'm having coffee in the afternoon in the area so will just do some shopping and relax until the date. He has also had the thought to book a table.
I think I will call him Mr Tea and Cake.

@Eesha that's my problem I want someone with their shit together and they seem few and far between. The last one messed with me so much because he didn't have it together and he dragged me into it.

@Naimee87 I hadn't thought about it like that, on paper I sound ideal but I probably also sound very much like I don't have space for anyone else and am too independent. Then I'm not sure whether they think because I've been single for so long that I'm either desperate or not too bothered, no one has asked me why though (I spent time finding out who I was, most of my adult life was with the one man as part of a couple in a bad relationship so finding out who me is had to be done and took time).

@Eesha well done on the job 👏🥂

Well done Eesha,fantastic news.
Sorry alot on here are feeling a bit down with all the men and dating.
I've had a couple of friendly meets with the guy in the village I had a date with back in the spring. Just friends,no flirting,purely platonic. We share a few hobbies and thought we may join a group in the village.
But his texts upped frequency last weekend and I didnt answer the last one as there was no question.Then received 30 minutes later ' ok,so no reply means one of two things,something I've said or you haven't read my last message'.
That just freaked me out and has made me look at him differently. To me it sounds very controlling and has really put me off him.
No dates for me despite swiping but I have a hew hobby in my life taking up all my time..gardening!

Great news about the job @Eesha

@Isitreallyme77 I agree with eesha in that not everyone finds people quickly - I've been single over 4 years now after over 2 decades with ex dh. I refuse to just be with anybody for the sake of being with somebody though

And congratulations @Eesha on the new job 👏

Thanks everyone, job hunting is hard enough without actually realising that discrimination against mothers is well and truly alive! And i can definitely say, finding a job is way more satisfying than any dating mallarkey for me!

@Isitreallyme77 I found the last man before the ghoster (still hurts to think about him, have to say) was at first really great/nice so easy to be with but in the end too smothery he just wanted to be in my space all the time! I think i mentioned him earlier and even though that is what i thought i wanted i guess i'm after someone who i can go 50/50 with. Be together but also have our own interests/hobbies/friends and stuff. It seems to me its quite a fine line to get the right balance! You want someone you get excited about but not that overwhelms you and takes over and not someone who just picks you up and drops you whenever he feels like it! Hope today's got you feeling a little better!
@Eesha well done on the jobfront. I'm hoping to career-change in the future, got some big goals but tons to do before it'll be possible! Luckily i've got a good job now which i do enjoy.
@kerkyra that seems to be quite needy behaviour. Big turn-off. A new hobby is always so good to be able to throw yourself into! After years of being a single mum and working/taking care of DS he's of an age now where i too can get back to finding what hobbies' make me' happy. 'YAY'

Hi everyone,

Congratulations on your new job, @Eesha! So happy for you ❤️

@Isitreallyme77 hope you're feeling better today ❤️

Not much to report here. Me and Mr. HR are still chatting. I'm getting to like him. He's going to beach with his sister and her children today 🙂

@bangheadhere40 i would have been so proud of myself for blocking him when drunk. I'd have 100% text him something stupid and regretted it the next day. I try hard not to play games and block/unblock but actually it would probably be better if i did. At least the last one. So there would be no possibility for me to act on my excellent, perfectly worded completely drunk text that i feel will magically win him over and have us get back together

Accidentally called MrC from WhatsApp after feeling he was detaching a bit socially

(we’re not on a promise just he seemed to tone things down a bit so guessed he was chatting to others etc so felt should pull back myself and focus on work?)

Now he’s just messaged to say he’ll call me back if I like

Fuck fuck fuck

Well done lovely @Eesha

@Dancerinthemoonlight coffee/tea/cake whilst doing other stuff is always great date format in my book

naimee I'm feeling sad about it now ( not proud) like I was this morning.

I feel like I want to message and apologise but I'm not going to do that. Why is this soooo horrible 😫 why did I do it! I know it's for the best really as I can't properly move forward with him still in my life.

I just looked earlier too and he must have blocked me back as photo gone so I can't message even if I wanted to.

@bangheadhere40 It’s easy to get addicted to cycles of pain/feeling let down with communication - maybe a clean break is best all round as otherwise you’ll just get hoovered back into the drama x

@bangheadhere40 it's the crappiest feeling i know. You just feel so frustrated and sad at the same time. Such a bad combination. I had this too and you are right until he's out of your head you'll never be rid of him and first step is get him out of your phone. I got so sad about mine but have managed to leave him unblocked on whatsapp so our chat is still there but he slipped so far down now. And this from a man who every morning would send a lovely 'wake up' text and all throughout the days too and video chats to after he'd finished work. I never thought he'd be so far down in the list of chats but there he is my last message, read and just left. Somebody will come long for us though and make these men seem such a waste of space in comparison!

Oh bangheadhere40 I know you must be feeling awful but don't worry too much. I really think men don't think like us women do and he probably is thinking wtf is going on but if he ever contacts you through a different source( sorry,I know nothing about whatssapp,still stuck in 90s) you can explain to him that you felt shit and you just couldn't cope with his on and off texting behaviour and would rather get on with your life. If there is no there source,like fb messenger,then put it behind you as he wasn't really there for you anyway.

@Letthefunandgamesstart

naimee87 Thank you. My children are grown up with families of their own - I think I'm older than most here (63). They are looking after me afterwards but it doesn't seem right somehow.

Not at all! I have happily looked after my Mum even though she's coupled up. It's nice to offer that help if you can 🤗

I know it's not the same,but I block lots of chats on tinder when after a day or two they havent asked me a question and I don't have the energy to say hey,you would do better on here if you engaged with me more and got to know me,instead of the boring good morning what you up to messages. I ask what their passions are and what makes them tick but alot seem very emotionally stunted and never ask me. I dont think many think like us( except men on here!)

I had an on-off/ex from way back who kept boomeranging back over several years. Every time we had a nice time then he'd get flaky again and act like I was being all demanding (I never was) and disappear.

I've blocked him everywhere, did it out of the blue, never told him why, no idea if he even knows. He could still email or turn up at my house I guess but he hasn't and it's been a couple of years now. Though he usually reappeared every five years ort so, there's still time!

I blocked because it was taking up headspace in that "will he text" mini thought and "is it him" every time I got a text. I could only cope by turning it all off. I did miss him a bit, or rather I missed the idea of him, the him he never was! I felt far better for blocking him.

I agree @VanGoghsDog

Obviously every dynamic is different (I mean there’s some guys I’m chilled over contact with but others who can really push my buttons?)

I think just starting from the impact on me is the best place to start!

If I know I’m going to be staring at my phone and getting limerance and emotional highs and lows then probably best to detach!

Sorry for those feeling low. I get like that sometimes but getting away from my phone, and the apps, often helps the time pass quicker and the mood passes too.

Can't remember where I was up to when I last posted but I decided to give things a go with Mr finance and we saw each other again last night. So that's 4 dates now in 8 days! He spent the night and that was all good too. It's moving fast but doesn't feel like it, if that makes sense? I just feel comfortable. One potential red flag is that we talked about him possibly being autistic... My exh is and I couldn't do that again. But this guy likes socialising and sex, so those are two major differences from exh! we now can't see each other for over a week, so will see how I cope with that as I can get a bit all or nothing about these things

@Misty9

Seems very chill , and like you say a weeks delay will give things time to emotionally settle/process a bit

that "will he text" mini thought and "is it him" every time I got a text. I could only cope by turning it all off. I did miss him a bit, or rather I missed the idea of him, the him he never was! I felt far better for blocking him

I had this too i missed the man that i had met at the beginning and was forever thinking he'd change back to that person but he was never going to. Mental how a person can have such a control over you... never again!

Good luckMisty9,sounds like it's going really well.
I suppose it depends if he is autistic then in what way it is a disability and will it affect you?
I'm surrounded by people with it,both my sons,best friend and most probably me but it manifests in so many ways.
This sounds awful but I couldn't be with someone like my friend(male)and my youngest as one is emotionally detactched and a loner and my son highly strung,emotional and has anger issues.
Best have a chat and see if you are compatible and if you see ot going forward.