Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I'm sorry @Heartbeats0708 there is no closure.

You have to do that yourself.

Mr Bear sent me a book of poems a couple of weeks ago. Last night I flicked through and chose at random... long one came up. Today's random was the shorter poem.

Totally apt.

Ah, sorry @cravingthelook, I thought I had remembered the name correctly ? just had a quick search back and I might mean Mr Swan ? there seemed to be an iron who came in and out of your life who you felt a huge connection with but who wasn't able to offer you what you wanted ? In those posts from old threads sorting mentions you seem to be a little addicted to the adrenalin rush. And you have explained to me in the past that you aren't looking for something average or okay which is completely understandable. I just read your posts at times as someone who gets hurt deeply by some of these situations. A couple of weeks ago you were sworn off Mr HT only for him to reappear - and now it would appear subsequently hurt you again.

How can I possibly move on with no closure?
He's completely messing up my emotions. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I'm flirting between livid and devastated and don't know what to do with myself.

@Heartbeats0708

How can I possibly move on with no closure? He's completely messing up my emotions. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I'm flirting between livid and devastated and don't know what to do with myself.

Can you try not to gift him this power over you? Take back control.....

@Onesmallstep67 yes Mr Swan. We are friends now. He's still important to me. But I do have a boundary with him.

And yes, it seems Mr HT pulled me back in with proper plans.

I don't think it's the adrenaline, I think it's the hope. We all have hope for the people we care for. I genuinely care for him. There's no getting away from that. I'm not going to pretend I don't. Nor pretend I'm not hurt. I won't chase him for closure. He might contact me on my birthday next week. He might not. I will spend my birthday as a day to lie in bed and read and relax.

@Heartbeats0708 I meant you have to close it in your own mind. Read the poem. Decide there is no space for someone who doesn't feel blessed to have you in their life. They are missing out.

@Heartbeats0708 sometimes taking the decision to move on, draw the line, deleting, NC, whatever it takes is the closure. These people don’t have the ability to give you the closure you need so you have to close it yourself.

I'm torn because it's such a 180 turnaround. It's hard when you used to be so close to someone to accept that it's done with no real finality, no goodbye, good luck. And like you @cravingthelook I had/have the hope. Every time he blanks me it is dashed. Then he reaches out and it's raised again. Such a rollercoaster, I know I need to get off. But I keep thinking what if?

@Heartbeats0708

I'm torn because it's such a 180 turnaround. It's hard when you used to be so close to someone to accept that it's done with no real finality, no goodbye, good luck. And like you *@cravingthelook* I had/have the hope. Every time he blanks me it is dashed. Then he reaches out and it's raised again. Such a rollercoaster, I know I need to get off. But I keep thinking what if?

'What if' is this pattern would then last a lifetime. You'd be worn down, exhausted, constantly questioning yourself. Then any attention would feel like a firework on a very very dark night and you'd do anything for it. You'd forget yourself and let the energy drain from you into him.

He'd be fine - you wouldn't ♥️♥️♥️

I hope you don't all mind if I join in?

I signed up on one OLD site a month ago despite saying in the recent past 'never again'. I thought there might be a few gems who would have joined, just as curfew and lockdowns were eased here in France, due to loneliness and the sparse opportunities of meeting someone IRL.

I immediately found a newbie who had some really promising personality traits (a TV reporter and newsreader who was bright, dynamic, cultured, and sunny natured). However, after spending time with him in two very different situations my instinct kicked in. His constant need to be surrounded by friends and his egocentric personality together with SO much energy would have done me in. So I ended the barely budding romance.

I'd be really grateful for your advice on my latest iron please. I really do have my head screwed on after having been burnt so I'm extra cautious.

I've been exchanging messages with someone since Sunday. He's been willing to also chat on the phone since earlier this week but I asked if we could wait until tomorrow as I've been really busy workwise. If the conversation goes well we'd like to meet up on Sunday. He's a doctor who works in A&E in a town about 45 minutes away from my city however his home is two hours away although he claims that he's been looking to move (the distance isn't a problem for me at present). He's been extremely respectful and kind in his messages. He's half French and half Maroccan and is clearly really bright which I like. I think I'm aware of potential love bombing as he sends me a lot of messages and seems to be really enthusiastic about meeting me and has been complimentary even though we haven't met yet!

I'm really enjoying our communication but am aware that meeting up for the first time may disappoint whereas he seems certain it's all going to be fine. Also, as I'm super cautious, I keep imagining potential nightmare situations such as narcissistic personality, etc. I don't think my instinct is kicking in but I'm definitely overthinking things and staying alert.

It's such a shame that nowadays we have to be so suspicious of every iron from the get-go. If you have any advice I would love to read it!

Sorry, I forgot to add that I'm 52 and he's a bit older.

@DustyMuse, I think unfortunately in general there is no absolute fail safe way to judge someone until you are with them face to face and then subsequently spend time in their company. If he hasn’t raised any concerns in his communication then you could proceed to phone calls, or even video chats which some on the thread have found very useful in determining whether a connection is there. What, if anything, are your concerns?

Hello Onesmallstep67! Thank you so much for your reply!

My concerns are the volume of messages; not when he' at work but I've been so used to being breadcrumbed in the past. He's admitted he's a passionate person. He sends recordings of classical music we like, lighthearted messages and he's always respectful.

I know what's bothering me; 'if it's too good to be true, something's wrong'.

If you like it then it's fine but just be aware that reality may not live up to expectations.

I wouldn't like that so they'd get little response from me and I expect they would stop or pull back a bit.

I find his messages bring me joy but I also find his attention overwhelming from time to time. Whether it' because there is a problem or because I've settled for too little in the past remains to be seen.

Thanks VanGoghsDog! I am learning to politely impose my boundaries and tell him when it feels too much.

@DustyMuse, are you able to progress to a phone call ? Many of us don’t like to build our hopes up too soon for fear of it crashing round our ears, we’ve learnt the hard way that’s not a nice feeling. I think if it was me I would want to move things along. Chat/ video/meet , whatever works best for you. But in general on here the advice is to not overly invest in someone until you have met them.

@Heartbeats0708 i’m sorry to hear this! I can totally relate though with the Mr S i’ve been talking about in previous posts. I don’t quite know the details about your relationship as couldn’t find an earlier post but had you been together long? And out of the blue he just pulled away? Completely understand if you don’t want to go to details. I just want to let you know you really really aren’t alone in this. It took me forever not to jump at MrS’s text messages or constantly check my phone and wonder what he was doing or why he wasn’t texting, going round and round trying to think what i’d done to make him change. Everything began so nicely and seemed to be headed the way i wanted. Hope you’re OK!

Normally we're speaking tomorrow evening Onesmallstep and have said we'd be free to meet up on Sunday.

I'm a bit shaken today as I just found out my car mechanic, who was in my car touching my keys, steering wheel, etc. two days ago, is at home as a contact case as his girlfriend has Covid. I had my first jab 12 days ago which was long overdue as a teacher but France were slower than the UK starting vaccinations up. I was finally really starting to ease up and look forward to a little freedom. I think I'm going to have to keep to myself this weekend and cancel any plans.

So sorry @cravingthelook do you think he actually forgot you were meant to meet then panicked?
It’s completely shit though, he’s treating you less than careless, the arsehole. for you x

@Shayelle2009 I have no idea what the truth is. I know I won't ever know. So I've no point speculating.
I'm hurt that he didn't talk to me. I'm sad that it feels a waste. I feel abandoned by him. They are perfectly valid emotions. I'm going to feel them for a while so I'm better just having them and trying not to push them away/deny them.

Yeah of course I don’t blame you at all for feeling all those things 😔 you must feel so let down, and probably pissed off and angry too. I wish it had turned out differently for you 😔 x

I feel rubbish this evening, went to go for a walk by the river earlier, the drive there and back was great but I couldn't get parked as it was heaving so gave up then had a little cry on the drive home(I thought I was past all that) because I can't seem to get a man to go on a date with me. All I want is a nice man, I know it sounds boring but I want someone nice and reliable. I don't want to be single forever and I'm scared I will be. My friend is constantly going on about her issues with her husband and I just want to shout at least you've got someone who loves you. I wasn't going to let this cancelled date get to me but I honestly thought Mr Cricket was a nice guy who wouldn't agree to something then change his mind, I honestly thought he was someone who would say thanks but no thanks. He seemed pretty genuine to me.

@Shayelle2009 no not angry, that would be a waste of energy. Anger wouldn't get me anywhere. I'm sad for him and sad for me.

isitreally I know exactly how you feel. I'm the same. There are times when you'll enjoy the freedom of being single and not having to answer to anyone, and then those times when it seems like everybody is loved by someone, except for you 😪
I try to remind myself how unhappy I've been when I've been in a couple that looked happy from the outside.
But being cancelled, as you have been, is so disappointing and a blow to the confidence. Lean on your friends - irl and on here.

@Isitreallyme77

I feel rubbish this evening, went to go for a walk by the river earlier, the drive there and back was great but I couldn't get parked as it was heaving so gave up then had a little cry on the drive home(I thought I was past all that) because I can't seem to get a man to go on a date with me. All I want is a nice man, I know it sounds boring but I want someone nice and reliable. I don't want to be single forever and I'm scared I will be. My friend is constantly going on about her issues with her husband and I just want to shout at least you've got someone who loves you. I wasn't going to let this cancelled date get to me but I honestly thought Mr Cricket was a nice guy who wouldn't agree to something then change his mind, I honestly thought he was someone who would say thanks but no thanks. He seemed pretty genuine to me.

@Isitreallyme77