Hello Roz
We are from the same sort of background - divorced women being viewed as unworthy of marriage. I’m muslim and 2 years your junior! I have a two teenage sons -one of whom will be 19 very soon!!
I was also in a abusive marriage and my ex also moved on very swiftly and it was important my sons had a place to call home where it was just the 3 of us for a while!
When I decided that I’d recovered and my children were settled. I decided to try again. Entering the marriage matchmaking game hoping for a another single parent or divorcee parent. I was amazed to learn that I was considered some sort of sub-human species to these divorced muslim men - many of whom were not attractive, intellectual or in any way successful.
I met many muslim men - some who I was clearly never going to be attracted to - however I felt that I had to try and also I felt shallow for thinking about the attraction too much. The average looking men who I met thought they were absolutely god’s gift and made it expressly clear they were doing me a huge favour by even speaking to me! I decided I’d meet with someone I was not attracted to - in this scenario the few handful I met were also of the same mindset because I’m divorced with children. All these men are also divorced with children and some of them very awkward in looks and habits! I met short men, bald men - very odd looking guys - I approached each person sincerely and looked for character, outlook, personality attitude and religion in each person.
I actually thought ok - maybe I won’t initially be attracted to the person - however their character and personality was going to open up attraction and that’s how I approached each person sincerely. I’m an average looking person - I don’t consider myself to be very beautiful. I’m average looking - girl next door - with a bubbly personality and work in design.
I was never fortunate to meet anyone who genuinely had the good character towards everyone. I’m sad to admit all the men I met had bad attitudes towards women, some were very racist - many of them had no self reflection of their own behaviours and talked of how they had been wronged by their ex wives! Very few were kind about the mother’s of their children.
I was made to feel like I was sub-human species. All of them were only interested in having a fun time - girlfriend - not one of them had any marriage intentions or settling down intentions. Actually the good looking men - very few that I met were upfront - they expressly said they wanted a physical relationship and they felt that since I was divorced (this was the reason they pursued online), thinking that I’d also be of the same mindset.
Well that wasn’t my mindset and I politely told them sorry it’s not for me and they were polite accepted my decision and moved on! The men who found my rejection to their girlfriend proposal hard to deal with were the average and very odd looking men. Their behaviour was awful and abusive.
I’m now blessed to be married to the most handsome blue eyed - tall and gorgeous man - he accepted islam. My husband is very handsome - he’s English has a solid profession he’s also divorced with 3 of his own children.
I never ever thought in a million years I would marry an English man - and I never thought anyone would love me to think about my way of life. My husband is brought up Catholic and most of our beliefs are actually the same - the only thing Islam doesn’t have or believe in is the trinity - and this was not an issue for my husband. He believes in God and understanding that our faiths are really very much the same apart from the trinity aspect. He also knows my respect for other faiths - I love churches and when I’m inside a church it’s house of god - and I’m respectful - and in awe of the building and the energy of religious places.
When we met - it wasn’t even a dating situation - we are single parents and that’s how we got acquainted. Of course we did progress to dating. After my awful experiences with divorced muslim men - I threw caution to the wind and just enjoyed getting to know my husband - and before we got serious I let him know my intentions were to find a partner to settle with - someone to grow old with. I never used the word marriage - HE DID - because he’s a family man. I was so hurt and unsure of myself in the beginning I was just enjoying the friendship and exchanging dating stories because he had been looking to settle too!
My husband couldn’t believe the horrors I experienced. I minimised what happened to me - he actually helped me to open my eyes and understand I’d been abused by some of these odd characters.
My experience- is just that my experience - there are some amazing muslim / non muslim men out there. What I learned through my years of meeting a few men was that it was important to see what their attitudes are towards women, how do they treat ex partners, was there any self reflection within them and how did they treat the women in their family. This is important - many of them men I met had awful sibling relationships and found their mothers irritating and controlling there was no understanding of their families humble beginnings as migrants. These men I met had no empathy for anyone really.
There are lovely muslim guys out there - I hope I’m bringing two of them up myself! Starts from the family upbringing. I tell my sons life is precious to be shared and the beauty of good family life is when the burdens are shared. They know that they are going to have to do their equal part in a future family household and it’s important they understand that this is their duty not a favour!!
Many of my friends are married to wonderful progressive and kind muslim men - so they are out there.
As for your situation Roz - give the guy a chance but if after one meeting you don’t feel any attraction towards him be honest with him. Friendship may blossom - you have no idea. Looking beyond a persons looks is what brought me to where I am.
I don’t love my husband for his looks - he’s very handsome. It’s wonderful to have that - BUT I was always going to fall in love with his kindness, his humour, his positive energy. We are all ageing and a physical attraction is worthless without a connection to someone’s being. He will age I will age - but I will always be attracted to him for the person he is!
I hope my post and experience give you some confidence. Value yourself you are beautiful, you are wonderful and anyone guy who gets five minutes of your attention is lucky because you Roz are the prize! Roz you are the prize and don’t let anyone tell you that being divorced or in your forties makes you unattractive.
Those people who put you down - those are their beliefs we don’t have to carry them forward and fufill their awful prophecy. We women are strong and beautiful and anyone devaluing you has to be silenced and ignored.
All you single mothers out there - you are beautiful you are amazing and you are worthy of great love. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️