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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just text me from his 2nd phone...

194 replies

MadeForFun · 27/05/2021 12:22

So my DP has just text me from an unknown number which I suspect is a second sim card.

There have been instances maybe a year or 2 ago where I have caught him messaging other women. I think he's got a 2nd phone to cover his tracks.

How do I play this? Text back "who's this?" or wait until I get home and say something? Don't think he has realised his mistake yet.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 27/05/2021 20:07

The thought of leaving scares the life out of me.

The thought of staying, living your life with this bastard who happily cheats, lies and gaslights you should scare you way more!!

He was ready to go the last time. Keeping this relationship going by the string of its teeth is just an insult to you.

You only get one life. Why live it like this. You can be happy without him and you're strong enough to make it work.

BrilliantBetty · 27/05/2021 20:08

Oh and agree with Pp. definitely take a lover! He's clearly getting attention elsewhere. Get your needs met.

Whatwouldnanado · 27/05/2021 20:18

Get off your phone and pack a bag. You deserve better than this. Be excited about a new begining, freedom from this half life.

Tigertalk · 27/05/2021 20:22

Your self esteem must be plummeting with this going on since two years ago. You shouldn’t have begged him back then - he was in the wrong and should have been begging you back. Accepting this behaviour last time, with no repercussions, has obviously made it easy him to do it again and to treat you like a fool with his excuses. Don’t let him do it any longer.
Can you buy him out of the house? Will he really want shared ownership of the dog? Either way don’t let these reasons make you stay a minute longer. you’re life could be happy and with someone who treasures you Flowers

Ginger1982 · 27/05/2021 20:27

If you have no kids to think about, then leave!

Original poster
MadeForFun · 27/05/2021 20:42

No, unfortunately can't buy him out and yes he will definitely fight for the dog.

I know in my heart that this relationship is over. I just can't picture myself in any other life. The thought of it just terrifies me. I can't even explain why. I used to live alone before I met him!

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 27/05/2021 20:54

OP, this is terrible. He’s a sneaky cheat who is treating you with utter contempt. Moving on seems frightening, but how could you ever feel emotionally safe with this player?

RoseisMadder · 27/05/2021 20:54

Believe me OP, life on the other side without a cheater is bliss. You’ll be fine

Original poster
MadeForFun · 27/05/2021 20:56

Thank you all for your messages. They really have helped so much.

OP posts:
weegiepower · 27/05/2021 20:57

Op, coming from someone who was gaslighted by my ex h for 10+ years, I was terrified to leave because of the comfortable life we had, money, cars, holidays, nice house, when I finally got the courage to leave, I was so relieved and free and happy. 2.5 years on, although there have been and still are tough times (drawn out divorce) I am SO much happier than I ever was.

DoBeesEatPizza · 27/05/2021 20:59

@Giantrooster

I'm sorry if that's not the correct way of putting it Blush (English is not my first language). Get a lover?

You surely need someone looking out for you, and your partner thinks he has been given carte blanche to do whatever he pleases.

“Take a lover” is the right way to say it; you were right. I think OP enjoyed the sentiment and wasn’t laughing at you 🖤
MsDogLady · 27/05/2021 21:08

You can do it, OP. You can make a fulfilling life without him. Perhaps you should access some individual counseling to help you navigate this. 🦋

Giantrooster · 27/05/2021 21:08

Thank you @DoBeesEatPizza have just been flamed for advising daftly on 'a uk based website' (mn) and am oversensitive Smile.

Boonlark · 27/05/2021 21:08

He did that to you last time to make you scared. Now ask yourself:

  • would you want to have to scare someone into wanting a relationship with you?
  • would you cheat on someone and then pretend they were the one cheating?

Because that's what he's done to you. Believe me, maybe not straight away, but a few months down the line you will be a lot happier (including about how you see yourself) when you're free of him.

But also, he's going to try to hoover you back in.

Original poster
MadeForFun · 27/05/2021 21:25

I'm so sorry Giantrooster I wasn't laughing at you. Flowers I found the idea amusing like pp said. You really cheered me up.

OP posts:
Giantrooster · 27/05/2021 21:35

Thank God @MadeForFun, i really wish you strenght and hope you do what's right for you and just you Smile.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/05/2021 21:54

Oh OP

You can't live like this surely?

Is your dog chipped? Who is registered as the dogs owner?

RandomMess · 27/05/2021 22:29

Have to say that unlike children if you take the dog there is little he can do about it.

Hullish · 27/05/2021 22:39

You sound so lovely.

It is scary, the thought of living without him will make you freeze in terror even though he’s a prick. We don’t like change, and you probably fear that he will move on quite happily and you’ll be alone. That won’t happen, you will find your happiness and he is no prize. Pity whoever ends up with him.

Please seek some counselling if you can to work out why you accept this from him, or think you’re not worth more. You really are.

You can sweep this under the carpet now, do that hysterical trauma bond thing where you feel loved up for a couple of months...until the cycle starts again, or you can start making plans to leave. This is no life Flowers

Famousinlove · 27/05/2021 23:32

Can you ask for phone bills for both numbers?

Journeynotdestination · 27/05/2021 23:50

Leave before he leaves you OP. Men like him are selfish opportunists and if he finds a better ‘deal’ he’s likely to take it. Utter bastard gaslighting you and acting like it’s your fault. I left my cheating prick of a partner 1.5 years ago. Yes things have been lonesome at times but my god, I’m no longer living a half life full of fear & anxiety. Do it, you won’t regret it. You’ll meet a good one eventually.

feliciabirthgiver · 27/05/2021 23:57

I just wanted to say, it's possible your new life could be wonderful......

CimCardashian · 28/05/2021 00:15

What a dickhead! I really hope you leave him,he doesn’t deserve someone like you.

You sound great OP, do you want to feel suspicious all your life? Pick yourself up and work on your self worth and confidence.

Nat6999 · 28/05/2021 00:21

Change the locks & dump his stuff outside or bag his stuff up & dump it where he works. He is gaslighting you to make you think it is your fault & it isn't, chances are he is playing around behind your back, he might not even be at work for all you know. Do some detective work while he isn't there, get copies of payslips, P60's, bank statements etc. Look on his bank statements for transactions where he has spent money, they will probably give you an idea what he is up to.

CorianderBee · 28/05/2021 01:29

@Giantrooster

Thank you *@DoBeesEatPizza* have just been flamed for advising daftly on 'a uk based website' (mn) and am oversensitive Smile.
Take a lover is correct. It's just rather... vintage and sexy/salacious Grin Great phrase though