I need a hand hold

[iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

No, it’s not about me. It’s about the children. Hoping some harsh (but true) words will provide the children a safe life.

How are you an excellent mum, rather than move schools you decided to go back home to your abusive bf, I bet your DC would have chosen to move area than go through this again. You had so much support too.

@Glowbuggy

I'm not asking for your compassion. Nor am I asking for your approval.

If you are a lawyer as you say, your inability to keep a level head and look at the wider picture is astounding.

I think it's time that YOU fuck off and take your spiel elsewhere.

Thanks all, for the comments and advice.

I'll take it from here.

Good luck in providing a safe future for your children. That’s all that matters.

Maybe it will come to social services talking about removing your children in order for you to be able to act.
You did leave him - you need to understand that there will be changes if you leave him and go in a refuge.
People want to protect you - from yourself - abusers are hard to leave - women who work in these places have usually been abused themselves and know the difficulties.
I hope social services can help you get him out - don’t take head of his begging/crying/threatening suicide- it’s normal reaction to these men.
If you don’t get him out with the support of agencies then your children will be removed from your care.
I hope you do not let this happen.
I hope you are in counselling too.
I would never ever put a man before my son - mine was abusive - I didn’t want my child to grow up with that shit.
Help yourself and find the final push to be rid of this piece of shit.

Your last comment - saying - “I will take it from here” - does not fill me with any confidence at ALL.

I think Glowbuddy touched a nerve and look - you have left the thread!!!!
.

He is abusing your children and that's better than calling the Police to remove him or changing the kids schools?

If you look on the NSPCC website, you will see that being aware of DV is child abuse.

I hope SS follow up because your children need protecting and you are not doing that.

You are prioritising an abusive man's feelings over those of your daughters. How they will grow up and conclude you loved them I don't know.

Oh and before anyone questions my 'credentials', I was that child and loathe both my parents because I soon came to realise they were as selfish and abusive as each other.

I understand how hard it must be for you, but believe me your children would have fathered move schools than go back home and hear you being abused. Your child is 7 and knows what's going on.
I spent my teenage years watching my mum being beaten up by my stepdad, and then verbally and physically fighting.
My mum refused to leave (he wouldn't have cared and she didn't want to be alone). It all culminated in her stabbing him while I was home from uni one weekend and nearly going to prison (and they still got back together!)
The police were called multiple times and no one ever helped me. She made out like going to a refuge would be the worst thing ever, so I never said anything to anyone apart from my friends.
I wish I had said something to my teachers. I was showing signs of something not being right at home but no one ever picked up on it. I wish they had so I could've gotten out of there.
Your children will not thank you for staying with an abusive man!
I'm 36 and it still affects me to this day.
Yours and their lives are worth more than this.
I wouldn't be surprised if SS intervened if they are aware the children know about the abuse.

Rathered not fathered

But you havent "got it from here" op. Social services will take your children away If you have done nothing to protect them. Then not only will you have suffered abuse you would also suffer the lose of your girls. You need to get out of there and be seen to be doing something in their best interest. If you cant do it for yourself at least do it for them.

So it sounds like you went back to your home against the advice of the refuge. They told you not to and you ignored them. Sounds like you got your mother to ask him to leave but had no intention of not allowing him to return. My mother was beaten and abused by my dad, it is horrific growing up in a heightened state of anxiety. Children are badly affected and usually end up having similar relationships as this is there normal. I have found it hard to understand why my mum didnt leave. He ended up leaving her for OW. So as much as I understand you I have lost sympathy when despite leaving and getting a flat you chose to return. So your DC will continue this nightmare. You had an opportunity to give them a different life

Hi @iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

I've been on your thread(s) from the start and offered advice, hand holds and support throughout.

Earlier in this thread I told you I had put an alarm on my phone for the day you left for the time you were leaving, because you said you were worried about feeling alone in that moment and I wanted to be around if you needed supper.

So please when I say what I'm going to say, don't lash out and accuse me of being on a high horse etc.

You are at risk of losing your children.

For the sake of a dog and / or a man.

You are making decisions that are absolutely not in their best interests and have been offered a huge level of support from the relevant authorities compared to many, and chosen to go back and allow him back into your lives. Your children's lives.

A sexually abusive man.

You're going to lose your children.

Please, tell us what more you need to be at risk at this point to follow through and remove him from your life?

He doesn't even have a stake in your home. You're in SUCH a good position in that regard compared to so many who leave.

You're teaching your daughters so much about relationships that is damaging and emotionally crippling.

As I say, I've been here from the start with support, advice, hand holding and empathy.

Please, send your eldest to her dad for a while and ask if he will also take care of your youngest in the short term too. While you sort your head out. I can't see any other way of you navigating the next few months safely. Is that an option?

When I say is that an option, I mean logistically. It's not good enough to say you would miss them too much and don't want to be apart from them - because that would be about you and your wants, not them and their needs.

They need to be staying somewhere else because at the moment you are unable to keep them in a safe environment.

*if you needed support, not supper that was meant to say.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

He is back in the house. I have mentioned that we made an agreement when I came back. Thing is I don't feel I can just insist he goes back to his mums. He reacts all glum and flabbergasted at the mere mention.

It's not fair on him either, I recoil when he comes anywhere near me

OP, it won't matter what you think you 'agreed' with him, abusers very rarely stick to anything. Of course he may act solum and surprised etc, this is so he looks like the victim and you feel bad. How did he get back in, obviously he has a key, and by going back without anything in place or getting something in place quickly, which I know can be hard, there was no deterrent for him to not enter the home again! You could have, when he turned up, called the police, told them the situation, I don't know how things would of gone down from there onwards, with the fact you left a refuge. I mean they know people do, some come and go until finally something happens and things change. You are now back in the home and will need to do something quickly,

I think you either need to involve the police and have him removed from the house and get a restraining order against him so he can’t come back or go back to a refuge.

Sorry if I miss these details but who’s name is the house in and is it owned or rented?
Do you work? Could you move out and privately rent a house?

I know it’s hard but you and your girls don’t deserve to live like this and so you need to take action to get away from this awful man.

Your poor children .

I honestly understand what you're all saying. I know that by coming back I've let my precious girls down. I KNOW THIS. Unless you've been where I am you won't understand how hard this is.

In the last week alone he's pushed me to breaking point. Can I ask if the following is normal:

Waking up in the night to him playing with your boobs

Waking up in the night to him playing with your Vulva

Waking up in the night to him thrusting into your hand

Making the evening meal with him just 'taking a look at your underwear'

Wearing a jumper with out a bra and him lifting the jumper up to take a look

That's the most memorable of the past week.

I know a lot of you might say I'm stupid but I'm stuck between is this a normal relationship thing or am I worthy of women's aid help. There's so many in such worse situations than me.

I know what needs to happen. I know the impact this is having on my beautiful daughters. But I second guess myself constantly

I have contacted women's aid again. I can't go anywhere for another week though. I just don't want to turn their lives upside down

They've given me a number for another refuge to call tomorrow

His behaviour is vile. Honestly, he is disgusting.
He treats you like an object for him to do whatever he wants with.

I just feel sickened and violated by what he's doing. But I don't know if I'm overreacting.

If I go to another refuge then that means a change of schools, a new house etc

I'm sensitive to stuff because of precious relationships. I just don't know if a refuge is far fetched.

I feel a fraud.

I'm tempted to text my social worker to take it out of my hands. I can't see another way.

I'm so fucking sad

@Arrivederla you think so? I'm not being over sensitive?

I love my daughters more than anyone or anything in the whole world. I know I've failed them with this relationship. I just want yo be sure I'm doing the right thing