I need a hand hold

[iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

I cannot believe that you will give up your children's home to a man who repeatedly sexually assaults you.

That you won't walk into a police station and ask for help.

Completely unbelievable.

Your poor, poor children.

I can't believe that you can't find the strength to walk into a station and ask for the officer in charge of domestic violence and sexual assault.

But you will put your children through this again.

OP, I mean it kindly but those children need to be left with their fathers.

They need stability not this circus.

@billy1966

Let's sum this up and clarify a few points.

I have ALREADY left my home, to a refuge, FOR my children. Yes I faltered and returned, I am not taking steps to do what I need to do.

I'll research it but I'm certain that the statistics show it takes women multiple times to successfully leave an abusive relationship.

You don't know me, you don't know my children, aside of the general needs of a child you don't know what my children need. I know them, I know the best way to do this for them. You don't know what walking into a police station will do to me. You know nothing about me.

You speak of their fathers like they're the epitome of greatness, they're not, they're not perfect by any stretch. They are aware of the situation, my eldests dad is actively supporting me to take these steps. Because he KNOWS me. He knows me as a person, her understands my logic because he has the full picture.

There's elements of my past that makes this even more difficult for me. When I went into refuge last time I wasn't judged for not going to the police, I wasn't judged for leaving my home. The social worker that has CLOSED MY CASE because she trusts me to do what's best for my kids hasn't judged me.

So seriously, tell me what difference it makes if I leave my home or have him removed by force? I am choosing this option because I know it's best for the girls. I have lost sleep pondering this. In fact by going back to refuge I lose everything! But the staff there are trained to help me, I will do better with the support of them, they can signpost me to outside agencies that can help me and my girls come to terms with this.

Please, please, THINK before you speak.

I am now**

I am thinking and responding to the information you have written.

These two little girls must be absolutely traumatised at the disruption and chaos of their little lives.

If you have a reason that you cannot go to the police for help, well that is just dreadful.

Is this scumbag a member of the force?

@billy1966

I understand what you're saying. I really do. I know it's time. But I need to do this in the way I know is best for me and my girls

I wish you the very best, believe me.

Just keep going, steadily pushing through forwards.

You know without doubt that you need to leave/split/separate so keep focused that you are doing the right thing by working towards that.

[quote iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]@billy1966

Let's sum this up and clarify a few points.

I have ALREADY left my home, to a refuge, FOR my children. Yes I faltered and returned, I am not taking steps to do what I need to do.

I'll research it but I'm certain that the statistics show it takes women multiple times to successfully leave an abusive relationship.

You don't know me, you don't know my children, aside of the general needs of a child you don't know what my children need. I know them, I know the best way to do this for them. You don't know what walking into a police station will do to me. You know nothing about me.

You speak of their fathers like they're the epitome of greatness, they're not, they're not perfect by any stretch. They are aware of the situation, my eldests dad is actively supporting me to take these steps. Because he KNOWS me. He knows me as a person, her understands my logic because he has the full picture.

There's elements of my past that makes this even more difficult for me. When I went into refuge last time I wasn't judged for not going to the police, I wasn't judged for leaving my home. The social worker that has CLOSED MY CASE because she trusts me to do what's best for my kids hasn't judged me.

So seriously, tell me what difference it makes if I leave my home or have him removed by force? I am choosing this option because I know it's best for the girls. I have lost sleep pondering this. In fact by going back to refuge I lose everything! But the staff there are trained to help me, I will do better with the support of them, they can signpost me to outside agencies that can help me and my girls come to terms with this.

Please, please, THINK before you speak.[/quote]
I'm sorry but I do have to say, my Social Worker closed my case too, but if I had gone back to my ex then at the very least my child would of been under a protection plan or worse. I know you didn't 'go back' as such, but you returned to the home you shared, and within a short space of time he got back in again, and had carried on his usual disgusting behaviour, which part of that do you think a SW would say well done for.

@Redruby2020

None of it. But I am planning my exit. I am making plans to protect my children.

@billy1966

I cannot believe that you will give up your children's home to a man who repeatedly sexually assaults you.

That you won't walk into a police station and ask for help.

Completely unbelievable.

Your poor, poor children.

I can't believe that you can't find the strength to walk into a station and ask for the officer in charge of domestic violence and sexual assault.

But you will put your children through this again.

OP, I mean it kindly but those children need to be left with their fathers.

They need stability not this circus.

Though I have got straight to the point with the OP, I will also say that it takes many victims a lot to get in touch with the police, I done it once many years ago with my now ex, and things just escalated from there, he then got worse after we had our DC, unfortunately even though I despised him for his treatment and many other reasons, they work on you so that even though they still don't think much of you, you still stick by them, one way or another, because you have been abused, you don't think rationally, anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will most likely say the same. If it were that easy, for many abuse started early on, we would of all called the police there and then, and it would all be done and dusted wouldn't it?! That's in an ideal world.

@Redruby2020

I don't doubt it must be very difficult.
I really do.

I suppose it is just difficult to read a woman and her children leaving HER home AGAIN, and her abuser in HER home and she can't seem to access supports to get the pig out.

Just heartbreaking really for all involved.

@Redruby2020 precisely that. It is so difficult.

I am trying. I'm sure one day in the future I will look back and wonder what took me so long. But the fact is they get into your head

[quote billy1966]@Redruby2020

I don't doubt it must be very difficult.
I really do.

I suppose it is just difficult to read a woman and her children leaving HER home AGAIN, and her abuser in HER home and she can't seem to access supports to get the pig out.

Just heartbreaking really for all involved.[/quote]
It really is, it's easy for me to read now and say what should of been done, but I didn't do it whilst I was in the situation. I was fortunate that my ex didn't want to house or assist with housing us, as in myself and DC, and we were being evicted from where we lived, once I knew proceedings had been started, I knew it was the end, otherwise I probably would of called police etc sooner. So I think some thought that was not abuse because he let me go. It's all part of it, you could see it if you like as financial abuse, because it left me to sort everything out.

It can take a lot for a woman to call the police on her partner, or ex even. OP what is it that you feel is stopping you the most, from contacting the police? I mean I know you mentioned there are other things from your past, but even if you don't want to go in to detail, could you still find a way of describing it.

[quote iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]@Redruby2020 precisely that. It is so difficult.

I am trying. I'm sure one day in the future I will look back and wonder what took me so long. But the fact is they get into your head[/quote]
They do indeed, I've had from family side and then straight out of the fire in to the frying pan with ex partner. I felt bad for different reasons with both person's, to do anything, but I guess one way of looking at it is, why feel loyalty or care what the other person may think or feel, they do not give you the same care and thought when treating you the way they have/do.

@Redruby2020 I guess deep down it's guilt and loyalty, like you say. Then plus anxiety etc, it becomes insurmountable.

Just to say good luck. I was a victim of DV many years ago. I wish I had pressed charges but I didn't but I can tell you that it is wonderful to escape- for me and for DD. Stay safe and stay away from him

[quote iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]@Redruby2020 I guess deep down it's guilt and loyalty, like you say. Then plus anxiety etc, it becomes insurmountable. [/quote]
I know you'll shoot me down for this but you need to focus on the guilt for keeping your daughters in this situation, the fact your loyalty should be with them and not your sexual abuser and cause of your harassment and their danger and the anxiety you would go through losing your children. You will say that's simplistic and that I don't understand. I do though, many of us do more than you know or are giving us credit for.

Guilty, loyalty and anxiety will feel more insurmountable in relation to your daughters than an arsehole of a man.

Move to a solution and don’t remain in the problem.
You are putting a sexually abusive man over the welfare of your children.
What would you say to a friend in this situation.
Off course he will hound you if you leave - this is what abusive men do - they ground you down again and again.
That’s why you need to go no contact with him once you leave.

[quote iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]@Redruby2020 I guess deep down it's guilt and loyalty, like you say. Then plus anxiety etc, it becomes insurmountable. [/quote]
What guilt do you feel?! Towards your partner you mean, I can't describe the feeling I had, but something would stop me taking the action I should have done.
Can I ask all in all, how long have you been with this guy?

A reminder of some of the things you have shared on here in the past. To stop you feeling guilty about leaving him, stop you thinking you should have any loyalty to him and make you think about what kind of monster you are prioritising over your girls' wellbeing every second he is in your life:

He was to go to prison 9 months ago for assault, criminal damage and coersion. I changed my statement. We got back together. I found something I didn't like, ordered him to leave resulting in the damage and assault, coersion was already going on.

Due to move in March. My children are so excited. My eldest has expressed multiple times she wants it to be just me, her and her sister. I can't ignore that. My littlest one has said the same recently too.

I'm so unhappy. I feel pressured into having sex or doing sexual things with him. I don't fancy him, he creeps me out.

Tonight he put a lighter to my trousers near my bits, I went mad, felt the heat for ages after and could smell the burning. Again, went mad, he proceeded to then do it to my bum from behind! Again, the heat and burnt smell was there.

I have a split on my nipple from where he's pulled them so much. He doesnt leave me alone.

Your children were so excited to leave him behind.

He held a lighter to your genitals.

He split your nipple after you begged him to stop touching you constantly.

Your children are repeatedly being brought back to live with a SEXUAL ABUSER.

They tell you they want it to be just you and them, you finally leave, then you return. And rinse and repeat it.

Please call the police and have him removed then follow through by reporting over and over again if / when he harasses you afterwards - the alternative is to stay with him. His behaviour was so bad it met the threshold of prosecution for coercive control and assault. But you withdrew your statement supporting what would have seen him go to jail and see your daughters free of him.

You need to call the police, start the process (which will be very tough) of getting him out and when things calm down you need to IMO apologise to your daughters for the rollercoaster you've dragged them on and promise them from now on they will always come first. And mean it. And follow through.

When you read the above things you've shared about him and your girls before, do you feel any more able to go to the police by remembering how important it is to have him removed from your innocent children's lives?

Oh OP, I remember those shocking posts.

Is that you?

Oh those poor children.

What a house of horrors.

And you have loyalty and pity for HIM.

Your daughters are going to grow up and judge you SO harshly for this childhood they have been subjected to.

Try and start thinking about your loyalty to them.

God help the little mites, they really didn't ask to be born.

Have you sorted your contraception?
Please do.

@billy1966 yes of course I have sorted my contraception. I'm not daft.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

A reminder of some of the things you have shared on here in the past. To stop you feeling guilty about leaving him, stop you thinking you should have any loyalty to him and make you think about what kind of monster you are prioritising over your girls' wellbeing every second he is in your life:

He was to go to prison 9 months ago for assault, criminal damage and coersion. I changed my statement. We got back together. I found something I didn't like, ordered him to leave resulting in the damage and assault, coersion was already going on.

Due to move in March. My children are so excited. My eldest has expressed multiple times she wants it to be just me, her and her sister. I can't ignore that. My littlest one has said the same recently too.

I'm so unhappy. I feel pressured into having sex or doing sexual things with him. I don't fancy him, he creeps me out.

Tonight he put a lighter to my trousers near my bits, I went mad, felt the heat for ages after and could smell the burning. Again, went mad, he proceeded to then do it to my bum from behind! Again, the heat and burnt smell was there.

I have a split on my nipple from where he's pulled them so much. He doesnt leave me alone.

Your children were so excited to leave him behind.

He held a lighter to your genitals.

He split your nipple after you begged him to stop touching you constantly.

Your children are repeatedly being brought back to live with a SEXUAL ABUSER.

They tell you they want it to be just you and them, you finally leave, then you return. And rinse and repeat it.

Please call the police and have him removed then follow through by reporting over and over again if / when he harasses you afterwards - the alternative is to stay with him. His behaviour was so bad it met the threshold of prosecution for coercive control and assault. But you withdrew your statement supporting what would have seen him go to jail and see your daughters free of him.

You need to call the police, start the process (which will be very tough) of getting him out and when things calm down you need to IMO apologise to your daughters for the rollercoaster you've dragged them on and promise them from now on they will always come first. And mean it. And follow through.

When you read the above things you've shared about him and your girls before, do you feel any more able to go to the police by remembering how important it is to have him removed from your innocent children's lives?

Does it help at all to have a reminder of what this man has done to you so far in order to try and stop you feeling guilt or loyalty towards him? It surely must help you consider involving the police when you face the stark reality that your innocent daughters are living with a sexually and emotionally abusive ex escort user and drug taker who they told you previously they were excited not to live with anymore as they wanted it to just be you and them?

I've been here since the beginning offering support. I am not saying this to hurt you. I'm asking if you can accept that the above is true and that you're making an active choice to put your perceived loyalty to him before your necessary loyalty to them?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes reading that has certainly helped. When I said loyalty I didn't use the word as in he has my loyalty. What I mean is regardless of everything, for some unknown reason there are feelings involved. They don't just switch off. So yes I feel guilt. I imagine I am brainwashed and I am looking forward to the day that I see all that has happened through clear eyes.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

I can't stay here because he will not leave it. His family will turn up here, he will continually come here. Last time he sat outside my kids school for two hours to try to find me. He sat outside my sisters house for hours hoping I'd come out.

This is why you're never put into a refuge near your home OP. This should have been explained to you by the DV org, I'm surprised it wasn't.

If it's your home, then you can get an Occupancy Order which controls who comes in and out of the family home but the problem there is that he'll harass you and your daughters. That's why you and the children are moved away.

OP he's regularly raping and sexually assaulting you and your precious daughters are being brought up in a sexually abusive home. You have no fucking idea if he'll start on them but this kind of sexual behaviour around your daughters is considered child sexual abuse.

You cannot keep him in the same home as them. I hope that's clear.

You have to look at the refuge as a short term solution and you're going to have to suck it up. Sod your uncomfortable pillows and get them slippers if you don't want them walking barefoot on the floor.

It's a short term solution until you get settled elsewhere and it's being done to save you from further sexual assault and rape OP, so bear that in mind. The Dv org can put you in contact with pet fostering agencies for your pets, if you don't want to bother your friend again. If you give your dad a spare key to your home, he and your ex can pack up all the stuff and store it somewhere until you get settled.

Pet fostering info
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-about-pets/

What to take to a refuge:
Identification and important papers (e.g. birth certificates, passports, benefit books, bank account details, medical cards, court orders, marriage certificate)
Money
Phone numbers – emergency and personal
Spare set of house and car keys
Medicines and toiletries
Clothes for a few days
A few of your children’s favourite toys
Proof of the abuse (e.g. notes, photos, crime reference numbers, diary, taped messages, emails, texts)