I need a hand hold

[iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

He feels like the safe space but he isn't, he IS familiar and almost cozy.

When we talk about it being hard this is what we're talking about, you have to leap into the unknown because he's made you accept a hideous reality as normal.

You can do this, you will miss him so much it hurts. Carry on anyway

@lilmishap I guess you're right. I'm not blind enough to not see it happening but there are feelings there

I just feel like I'm over reacting. But I don't like what he does

you need to call the police and get him the f out. tonight.

this isnt okay, why should you run away from this? you need to set an example to your kids of what is right and wrong, but i would not leave your home either.

restraining order. get it started today. anyone who can come stay with you? in real life, keep you strong?

You're not over reacting. The reason we leave over and over again is because it fucking hurts and when they make us think they can change we want to believe it.

We want to believe these men do not want to be abusive. They want to believe they don't want to be abusive.

Women like us who leave these men and then leave again 4-18 times before actually leaving for good, we are not stupid. The emotional ties are not as they would usually be.

A fire doesn't think about if it will burn you. A fire doesn't need to want to burn you. A fire will burn you because it's a fire.
You need to keep trying

No it is not normal for anyone to touch you or take a look at you if you do not want them to.

He is sexually assaulting you.

Of course you're worthy of woman aid. You need to contact the police.

He's touching you in your sleep. It's sexual assault.

This is sexual abuse OP. You've become so conditioned that you are questioning yourself. Deep down you know all of this is so wrong. Please please protect yourself and your children.

If this was happening to your friend what advice would you give them?

You do have the strength to get out of this. Do it for yourself and your daughters otherwise they will grow up to think this is normal in their future relationships.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

I honestly understand what you're all saying. I know that by coming back I've let my precious girls down. I KNOW THIS. Unless you've been where I am you won't understand how hard this is.

In the last week alone he's pushed me to breaking point. Can I ask if the following is normal:

Waking up in the night to him playing with your boobs

Waking up in the night to him playing with your Vulva

Waking up in the night to him thrusting into your hand

Making the evening meal with him just 'taking a look at your underwear'

Wearing a jumper with out a bra and him lifting the jumper up to take a look

That's the most memorable of the past week.

I know a lot of you might say I'm stupid but I'm stuck between is this a normal relationship thing or am I worthy of women's aid help. There's so many in such worse situations than me.

I know what needs to happen. I know the impact this is having on my beautiful daughters. But I second guess myself constantly

None of this is normal or acceptable OP. It's sexual harassment/assault.

I left my daughters dad 3 times before I left for good, each time he would promise to change. He hurt me twice, blamed everything on me. He moved away, still threatened me. He drank heavily and had help twice, when things looked like they would change for the better he would hit the bottle again. He lost any access he was worthy of last year because he hurt his then partner as we were due to have our final hearing, then a week later he was found dead with alcohol related problems.

Not the same as yours but people like that never ever change. Please leave and stay away. You don't need him and more than anything your children don't need him. He has sexually assaulted you, and just because he is your partner it doesn't make it excusable. Your children don't need to grow up thinking behaviour like that is normal and then they go through similar situations when they're adults.

The police have specialist teams to deal with situations like yours. He needs to be punished for his behaviour. You would also benefit from the freedom program.

Tell your children the move to a refuge is an adventure. Don't make it about leaving, making it about going forward and trying out changes until you all find somewhere you really like staying.
If you get the chance of a refuge take it immediately. You are talking about putting everything off for a week because you don't want to make too many changes for the DC. How is staying with a horrible man any better than taking the DC and you out of the situation worse than more upheaval? They would not have had this extra upheaval if you had stayed in the refuge.
Where are your children when he is lifting your jumper in the kitchen? It is not right for them to see such goings on. It may be better if you wear to wear a bra at all times and probably also half a dozen jumpers. You don't need anyone touching you sexually while you are cooking. Too many hot things around.
Get a new sim card and don't tell that horrible vile creature the number and don't you contact him if you get the chance of another refuge place.

Last time he contacted me on everything possible. Insta, Facebook, email, payment ref on bank transfer, 60+ unknown miss calls, then told me he was going to kill himself. Within 18 hours I was home.

I know it's shit. I really really do fucking know. But I'm embarrassed. I'll have to ask my friend to look after my dog again. My little sister is away for the week with my mum, she just dropped her pets off for me to take care of.

Women's aid have given me a number for a local refuge, closer than the last one. I don't know what to do.

I don't know wether to use the week my family are away to get prepared or just leave the pets with him and go

Get your DC and you away from that awful person. Leave the pets with an animal charity. You should not have taken on the care of your sister's pets.

If he contacts you ignore him. If he continues to threaten suicide report that to police as a concern for person. Leave that to them, they are trained and used to dealing with that type of person.
He is using control methods. Realise that and ignore

You're fishing for sympathy here. I'll reserve mine for your children. You have a choice, they don't. I hope social services step in and protect your children as you seem to have other priorities.

But I'm embarrassed. I'll have to ask my friend to look after my dog again. My little sister is away for the week with my mum, she just dropped her pets off for me to take care of.

At this point it's literally a choice between damaging and potentially losing your daughters or being embarrassed you can't babysit your sisters pets when you said you would and have to ask someone to look after your dog again.

Your daughters are worth more than that, no?

Why can't you ask your older daughter's dad to take care of her for a while? And ask him if your younger daughter can go too, even though he's not her dad?

You're putting so many things before your little girls and not following through on promises to put them first.

You know that list of things he's done is disgusting and abusive and totally abnormal because womens aid and support services helped you leave your own home to flee him. They don't do that unless things are very fucking serious.

Your situation is bad enough the authorities involved have supported you with a refuge you then chose to leave. They don't do this lightly. It's a godsend that many abused women would give anything for. You now have the chance to do it again. So do it.

As someone who has been really supportive on this thread from day one, I am a bit offended by the whole 'you just don't understand because you haven't been in my shoes / in a relationship like this' when LOADS of us have and are offering advice based on that. We aren't unaware of how awful it is. We ARE aware and that is why we are so desperate for you to put your girls first.

Again, why can't you ask your daughters dad to take care of her while you sort yourself out?

You are not in the right frame of mind to make decisions in their best interests - which is clear because you are making decisions actively in their worst interests.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

Last time he contacted me on everything possible. Insta, Facebook, email, payment ref on bank transfer, 60+ unknown miss calls, then told me he was going to kill himself. Within 18 hours I was home.

I know it's shit. I really really do fucking know. But I'm embarrassed. I'll have to ask my friend to look after my dog again. My little sister is away for the week with my mum, she just dropped her pets off for me to take care of.

Women's aid have given me a number for a local refuge, closer than the last one. I don't know what to do.

Delete social media. Change your phone number. If anyone ever threatens suicide call the police to do a welfare check. If they're bluffing they probably won't do it again. If they aren't, they need the support that welfare check would bring.

You've chosen him.

Can you explain why you can't ask your daughters dad for help? I don't understand.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

You'll all flame me for this but I'm back at square one. I said to stay apart 6 days a week. He won't leave. He won't leave my body alone. I can't face another refuge. Somebody please talk to me

I went back to my abusive bastard 25 times

The last time he took me to a room to murder me
Lord knows how I escaped with a small baby

I have sympathy for you

But I also think WTF

Please
1)ring police
2) get him removed
3) get a non mol

KEEP YOUR INNOCENT KIDS SAFE

Please 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

You done it once, you can do it again. But this time you delete him from your life completely.

When he leaves the house, you change the locks, you pack his clothes & stuff up and you leave them at the front door.
You then tell him, you made a mistake letting him come back and its over.... you've packed his stuff up and it's waiting for him.
Wish him happiness in life & tell him you wish to be left alone or you will call police.

If you're worried of his reaction, call the police and ask them to assist, incase he gets violent.

You can do this, I did!! I kept letting my ex back home (out of guilt), he conditioned me too. When I chucked him out last time, I refused to talk to him for a year .... I suggest you do the same ..... you can move on much easier. And there is nothing to talk about anyway, it's over ...that's it.

Ask him to go get you something

When he leaves lock all doors

Do not let him him

Tell him police will be called

Don't be ridiculous this man is vile

He should be in JAIL

And your innocent kids should be SAFE

While he is asleep, put as much in the car as you can, you can always transfer it to your dad's car. Just think tomorrow night & every night after you can breathe & won't have to live in fear. The police can accompany you back to your home to collect anything you don't take tomorrow. You may be better not taking the car to the refuge as it is traceable, could you trade it in for something different? You can do this, good luck, hold your nerve x

Sorry I didn't see the date you were leaving when I posted. Please speak to the police, ask for the domestic violence officer, they can remove your husband & ban him from being able to come back for long enough for you to get a none molestation order.

[quote iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]@Arrivederla you think so? I'm not being over sensitive?[/quote]
Oh my God - you are so not being over sensitive. His behaviour is absolutely disgusting.

I'm not fishing for sympathy, I'm not a wallflower, I don't need sympathy to go about my day.

I am however a caring person, I don't like being the reason anyone is upset. Hence why I'm back here. I have anxiety too, I go into full panic attack when I realise he knows I'm leaving etc I have to brace myself for that.

I've woke up today angry that I'll have to leave MY home again. My children have to lose their home.

I want to ask him to leave, that way we stay at home, we don't lose everything. But I don't think he'd leave me alone.

OP why can't you ask your older daughter's dad to have her stay with him (ideally with your younger daughter too) while you sort your head out? You need to put them first and you aren't able to do that at the moment.

But I don't think he'd leave me alone.

Police. Police police police.

Follow through. Call them - say you're being abused, you're going to a refuge but you're terrified he won't leave you alone and ask what you can do if he won't. Then do it. However many times it takes to report.

Your poor girls. I've been here from day one cheering you on and trying to support you but your poor girls are soon going to be like lambs to the slaughter mental health wise in the long term.

You don't like being the reason anyone is upset? What you're continuing to do IS upsetting for your girls. Both now (confusing back and forth, being around a sexual predator, a mum preoccupied with her abuser) and long term (relationship modelling wise, their relationship to you being damaged when they look back).

Put them first. Ask her dad for help, they're safer with him for now.