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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a hand hold

377 replies

iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 18:38

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 12/07/2021 09:55

My eldest is on holiday with her dad atm

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/07/2021 09:58

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

My eldest is on holiday with her dad atm
Can she stay with him longer after that? Would he also take your younger daughter for a week or two? They aren't safe with you at the moment and I know that hurts to hear but you're making decisions that are the opposite of their best interest and when you leave it's the time an abuser may escalate and you'll need police involvement - surely you don't want them around for that.
Boxingmum · 12/07/2021 10:52

Don't leave the house, it's yours. He needs to go, don't feel guilty, he's a c××t. 1. Find he's keys, 2. take off youre house key 3. When he leaves the house lock the doors 4. Ring your mum & dad and ask them to come over 5. Pack his stuff up into black bags and put on doorstep 6. Text him, tell him it's over, for good this time, u don't love him or actually even like him as a person anymore, his stuff is in bags outside the front door, he needs to collect it by the bin men do. And tell him you've blocked & deleted him, so don't bother trying to contact you, if he does you will call the police & get a restraining order. You never wish to see him again.

  1. Lock the house up & go stay at your mum n dad's for the night & TAKE YOUR CAR
Lavenderfields2 · 12/07/2021 11:45

OP it isnt leting your girls down that you should be concerned about you should be more worried about the fact that you're going to LOSE them if you dont actually gather the courage to follow through with this.

Get your head out of you and your dh relationship for a moment. He is abusive. You know this and that's why you started this thread. That's why you also contacted womans aid and that's why they took you in. They wouldnt do that for nothing.

But for now you need to get your head screwed on. Imagine your poor dc being taken away from you. Put into a foster home. Do you think they care about being pulled away from their school and home area If it means they are with their mum, or do you think they'd care more about being taken from their parents entirely and left alone?!

You risk them resenting you. Wanting nothing more to do with you. Wondering why they weren't enough for their mum to sort herself out

For god sake get yourself together!!!!

lovelillyb · 12/07/2021 11:58

OP apply for a non molestation order and an occupation order for the home. Approach a solicitor, you should be entitled to legal aid if you are a victim of domestic violence

Boxingmum · 12/07/2021 12:36

You don't want your girls growing up thinking that this is an acceptable way to be treated. Show them what a strong woman looks like, give them a great example.

When your girls are grown, you'd want your girls to kick a man like this to the kerb, now lead by example.

MackenzieT · 12/07/2021 12:58

Last time he contacted me on everything possible. Insta, Facebook, email, payment ref on bank transfer, 60+ unknown miss calls, then told me he was going to kill himself. Within 18 hours I was home.

Then you don't give him the chance to contact you again! I have fled from an abusive partner and it was so fucking hard but so fucking worth it from day ONE.

You could lose your children - all these red herrings about changing their schools and city - you are going to lose them if you don't leave, either through SS or when they grow up and want nothing to do with the mother who didn't protect her daughters from a man who regularly commits sexual assault - you think that behaviour will stop with you? It won't.

You know the abuse isn't normal otherwise you wouldn't keep leaving. Stop stalling here asking questions you already know the answers to. You must get yourself together to save them.

rainbowstardrops · 12/07/2021 14:06

Bloody hell. If my children were in the same house as a sexual abuser, I'd jump at the chance of a filthy flat, just to keep them safe!
All this umming and ahhing and fretting about changing schools etc has got to stop and making sure you don't get your children taken away from you, has got to START. NOW!

billy1966 · 12/07/2021 14:49

Your poor children.

No doubt they are traumatised from the life they have.

Please ask your ex to keep your eldest daughter.

You can't protect her.

Please ask social services could them arrange emergency foster care for your other daughter.

You can't protect your children from this.

Your daughter is very aware.
She is going to only become more aware.

You need to stop going on about how caring you are.

You need to start focusing on your daughter's rather than this absolute horror you brought into your life.

Your poor children.
Such an awful childhood.

fairytwinkletastic · 12/07/2021 19:08

If you don't leave they will remove the children from you, as you will be considered exposing them to harm. I'm so sorry for your situation. You seem like you have the strength to survive and I send you all my love.

theSliceOfPie · 12/07/2021 19:33

This is so sad. It will be a big adjustment when you leave, but will be worth it. Just think in a years time you can be happy and settled with you dc.

Pompom2367 · 12/07/2021 20:50

Op you can do this but think of the girls

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/07/2021 10:35

Have you spoken to refuge / social worker yet?

LtDansleg · 13/07/2021 10:39

Op what exactly are your plans going forward?

Adelais · 13/07/2021 15:09

I know it’s not fair that you have to leave but without police involvement I doubt you’ll be able to get him out the house. You and the girls getting away from him is your number 1 priority and then you can sort out everything else.

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 13/07/2021 15:40

I've made the decision to leave again. I really don't want to leave my house and yes I'm embarrassed to ask my friend to foster my dog but I don't see another way. You're all absolutely right, this is not a suitable environment for my beautiful daughters.

My mum is back Friday so I'm going to wait until then so I can be more prepared this time, eldest is with her dad, youngest is now with her dad for the next two days.

I've spent today sorting all my paperwork so it's all together and I can just take that with me.

He's working from home so if anyone has any ideas on how I can start sneaking bits out like clothes etc I'd appreciate the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 13/07/2021 15:42

I'm also going to order some bits to my friends house that I know I'll need again so I can just pick them up on Friday

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/07/2021 15:49

Is there no way that you can go to the police and tell them that this man is sexually assaulting you constantly and your eldest is aware?

I cannot believe that they wouldn't help you get him out.

Your eldest is no time aware from realising what she has repeatedly heard.

Are neither of the children his?

Who owns the home?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/07/2021 16:01

@billy1966

Is there no way that you can go to the police and tell them that this man is sexually assaulting you constantly and your eldest is aware?

I cannot believe that they wouldn't help you get him out.

Your eldest is no time aware from realising what she has repeatedly heard.

Are neither of the children his?

Who owns the home?

The house isn't his and neither child is his so there are no legal or child related ties whatsoever. OP needs to follow through on her most recent plan and move on with her life for her daughters' sake. I agree with you she needs to involve the police but she seems unwilling to do this, I'm not sure why as nothing has worked so far.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/07/2021 16:05

OP you are sneaking out of the house and leaving him there again. While I think that's better than doing nothing, it has repeatedly not worked because you've missed your home and wanted to go back.

Why not call the police and ask for their help to remove him and enquire about a non mol order / restraining order to keep him away from you?

Leaving the home and him there hasn't worked. It seems crazy to do that again instead of trying something new that makes perfect sense like involving the police.

They can also involve social services to provide guidance on safeguarding which might give you the incentive you need to follow through and put them first this time by not getting back with him or allowing him back.

It's not his home.

They aren't his children.

You're in the strongest position you could be legally to get him out and keep him away.

Why won't you call the police and get him removed?

Cooldarkroom · 13/07/2021 16:19

Go to the Police, it is your home, you can ask for help, sexual abuse is a crime. You can change the locks, get a non-mol.
Stop running & be the adult your children deserve

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 13/07/2021 16:22

I can't stay here because he will not leave it. His family will turn up here, he will continually come here. Last time he sat outside my kids school for two hours to try to find me. He sat outside my sisters house for hours hoping I'd come out.

OP posts:
cutebutscary · 13/07/2021 16:23

I think that if you leave again , it will on be days before you return home as you miss your life so much . It's him that needs to leave and try to stand firm on boundaries and change locks etc . Good luck

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/07/2021 16:35

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

I can't stay here because he will not leave it. His family will turn up here, he will continually come here. Last time he sat outside my kids school for two hours to try to find me. He sat outside my sisters house for hours hoping I'd come out.
Your options are to call the police and get their support, not just to get him out but to then push forward with a non mol, restraining order, harassment etc.

Or to go to the refuge again and follow through with all those things while he's in your home and stop yourself from going back again with any remote possibility he will be there / come back / you'll take him back.

Why are you determined not to involve the police in what is criminal behaviour? Sexual harassment and sexual assault is criminal. Emotional and verbal abuse is criminal. Harassment (eg waiting outside school) is criminal.

He is committing crimes against you and your family. Why won't you involve the police to safeguard yourself and your children?

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 13/07/2021 16:57

@youvegottenminuteslynn because I'm already at breaking point. I don't have the strength to go down that route at present.

OP posts: