More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

Thinking about you today, Legs. Can’t be an easy day for you. It will be shit on a stick for him, trust me. XX

Agree with @Thewookiemustgo.

I know it wouldn’t have been easy today, Legs.

Sending love and hugs your way. X

Hope all's well MoreLegs. The garden must be coming along beautifully.

I agree about the writing rather than speaking. If he rings - reply by text. Written communication is less sudden and alarming. You can relax and reply when ready.

(It is also true that there is a record of what was said/decided.)

Agree about keeping records. Far less likely to be accused of “being hysterical”, (ie, incited…) or “going psycho”, (same), let alone completely misquoted. Just out of interest, do you have a security camera? I think you should get one to record if he comes to the house.

I also concur about 'keeping it in writing'. Not only does it form a written record, it also allows you time to think things through before you respond. No 'surprise' questions or situations where he demands an immediate response and you say something that in a later moment you regret.

In the coming weeks/months of 'negotiations' it will do you well to be able to investigate and give due consideration to any suggestions demands he makes. And to show him that you are calling the tune and will respond to him only when and if you wish to do so.

Hi Legs, I hope you are ok.

It must have been an exhausting week for you, emotionally, I really hope those children have been taking care of you.

I wouldn't worry about letting him know or forwarning him, he gave you no consideration and now you must do the same.
It will be hard to wait for his reaction, but wait you must as contacting him gives him a chance to feel sorry for himself and to play the victim, don't give him the opportunity.

Your nerves of steel have stood you in good stead up to now, many would have buckled and given him both barrels, but you kept your cool and showed what an amazingly strong woman you are.

You are a strong woman, with strong morals, we respect you.

Let this divorce show him you mean buisness, you deserved better and this is the consequence of his betrayal.

It will be a blow to him, I believe that, as he has never had you say no to him. He has made his bed now and now the onus is on the ow to make him happy and be everything that he has so stupidly thrown away.

I do hope you keep your date at the garden this week, but if you don't, you can always rearrange when you feel stronger.

I agree to make all correspondance by paper, e mail or message it will hurt him more, this is a direct statement saying you are no longer friends.
Treat him as a stranger, a stranger who you are very wary of.

Take care
x

Thank you!

I’m kind of looking forward to Wednesday but scared too. It’ll be thirty/eight years since I’ll have been that close to another man. It just seems surreal I suppose. He’s a widower but because I didn’t “know” know him when we worked for the same company I don’t know if he was widowed then or if it came later. I don’t know how I’d react if he tried to take my hand, anything like that, but I’ve decided to just go with how it feels at the time. Just having a friend is fine by me.

I’ve not heard yet from the Court that the Petition is cleared and issued. There was post on the mat this morning including a big white envelope. I thought that was it and my heart threatened to stop. It was some crap about the house insurance !!

@Billybagpuss you’re very sweet but my garden is far from immaculate. I really enjoy being out there though. Can always find something to do.

I really get everyone’s theories on forewarning him. I just can’t decide which way to play it. Being indecisive seems to be my default position these days.

At least I’m posting earlier than last night so that’s something..

Thank you all again

x

Lovely to hear you're hooked on the garden. You're absolutely right. There is always something to do but somehow it's enjoyable. Whereas there's always something to do in the house and it's usually rather boring.

I hope you have a nice time garden visiting on Wednesday. Is your friend a keen gardener too?

You're not indecisive. You've just taken a huge step and that's hard. But remember you don't owe STBExH anything, and that includes a warning of what's in store for him. How much consideration did he show you or the DC when he decided to explode his little bombshell?

I also think written records are a good idea. Just to be on the safe side.

Sleep tight, dear More Legs. I hope you have a decent rest tonight.

Morning legs I can understand you feeling nervous about tomorrow but once you’re out through the front door it will be fun. It also occurred to me it’s probably the first time you’ve done anything for you in years.

I think the only reason for forewarning him is if by not doing it’s upsetting your anxiety and stopping you from sleeping, make how you feel the deciding factor, not any misguided loyalty towards him.

Dearest Legs, I can’t imagine the anxiety you must be living under anticipating his reaction to your bombshell. Just remember that you had the strength to lob it. You can’t shake in your boots indefinitely. This man has proven to be a coward over and over again. I suspect that the image of him as a husband and father was one he painted and you helped him build, was a lie he ran out of energy to keep trying to fake. He will probably bluster and explode at OW and that is actually going to blow up in his face too. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next trick is (far too late) attempts to get the kids on side with bribery, guilt trips and emotional manipulation. Don’t be surprised if you have to eventually tell them the truth about their dad - or some of it anyway.

@MoreLegsThanMe
I had very similar misgivings about going out with another man. I had to leave my STBEX after many many years of marriage… not quite as long as yours, but most of my lifetime.
He - within 10 days - had hooked up with a girl, and were sleeping in the marital bed, in a house that was still half mine! I found that quite mind blowing on many levels… and despite a nisi being issued, we are still married. Urgh.

Then I met a rather nice man OLD, who lives nearby, who knows my situation (not the details) and is happy to issue hugs at strategic points in my weeks of ups and downs. It’s fine. I’m treating it more as a friendship, but he makes me laugh and is the polar opposite of STBEX, which I find so refreshing.

So… go for a walk with this chap. See what he’s like. It’s only a walk with the opposite sex!

And have fun. You surely deserve it.

It looks as if it's going to be a sunny day today, so enjoy your garden visit. Make sure you take a pen and paper so you can note down plants you like, that you think might work in your garden.
Start with coffee and cake in the tearoom, always a mood lifter! Maybe treat yourself to a plant or two in the plant shop at the end as a reward for all your digging.
I've been reading from the start, am so impressed by your strength and courage, and really want you to have the relaxed happy day that you deserve.

I hope you have fun today

Thank you x

Oh @ByeByeMissAmericanPie I’m so sorry. It feels strange to say that to someone and to realise you’re sorry because you know exactly how they are feeling, not just because you feel badly for them.

The Petition has been processed and will be issued “in due course”. A lovely legal turn of phrase that that I’ve used many a time. Bit different being the recipient of it though! But it’s on its way. I’ll admit I’m scared of his reaction. I wasn’t even sure I was until you lovely army suggested it. I can’t see him getting in the car and screaming round here (too cowardly) or messaging or phoning his anger (also too cowardly) but what I can see is what @Justilou1 says, that he’ll wave it at her and say “look what the bitch has done to me”. Then she, in turn, waves hers at him and says “and why has she named me on Court papers?ME!!! What have I done??” . Then fall into each other’s arms, tears all round and off to bed for make up, blow up sex.

I have it all planned out as you can see.

Sadly our walk tomorrow is no more. He sent an enormous email earlier saying in a very round about way that he’s bipolar. From what I knew of him at work he never acted as though anything was going on. He doesn’t think it’s fair to get possibly “in too deep” because he doesn’t think he should dump mental health problems on me, I’ve enough to deal with. So I was sad it wasn’t happening, and yes, that I thought we may even get a bit closer. But me being me told him that he gets himself back to a better place and taking time out of OLD for while. I hadn’t even realised he was doing it, I’d simply had his message about meeting up.

So….but if the last year has taught me anything it’s that life goes on whether I like it or not. So, back to the house and garden for now, boring as they may be…

I did type this last night but fell asleep before I had time to hit send. Not the first time that’s happened.

I’m obviously learning that I can fall asleep some nights…

I’ll update later about my boring day!

x

Well, a good plan doesn't need to go to waste. You can still go yourself and get ideas for your garden and some plants.
You've been looking forward to this, so treat yourself.

Well… let’s be honest, @MoreLegsThanMe. You might have dodged a bullet. He’s probably perfectly lovely as a friend, but if he’s a bit needy atm, he might be a bit much.

Oh I'm sorry Legs, you must have felt anxious all week about this but don't worry and don't take it personally, like he says he may have social anxiety and has probably been worrying far more than you this week.

See you are more intimidating than what you think

He may change his mind in the future, maybe he's having an off week, at least you know he has a central nervous system, unlike limp laddo !
It looks quite nice today so get in that garden of yours and enjoy.

xx

I'm sorry that he cancelled on you. Why don't you go to the garden centre anyway?

@Inks42

Well, a good plan doesn't need to go to waste. You can still go yourself and get ideas for your garden and some plants. You've been looking forward to this, so treat yourself.

This!! ^^ @MoreLegsThanMe!!

It looks like it will be a lovely day today. Go and have a "me" day and just let the atmosphere of the gardens lighten your heart - especially as your phone will be turned off...

Enjoy spending the day doing nothing but relaxing, walking at your own pace, and eating a slice of good cake with your tea/coffee before wandering back home with your purchases.

Time enough, after that, to think about chores to be done. 🌹

Legs I'm sorry you must feel disappointed. I was so hoping you'd have a fun day. It was a bit on the late side to cancel too. Maybe it was for the best if he is struggling with mental health issues. You have enough on your plate.

Have you got any other plans in the making? Something to take your mind off the petition.

Chin up dearie, lots of us are thinking of you. I think you are sounding strong. Glad to hear you are getting some sleep some nights x

It’s funny, so many threads on here where partners treat their other half poorly after an argument, there’s one at the moment about a dp sulking, the first thing people say is ‘well they wouldn’t do it at work, they save it just for you’. It’s absolutely true, we rarely see the worst in people at work. But to this chaps credit he recognises his weakness and backs out before subjecting you to it.

I hope you have a lovely day anyway, I think it’s time to try some new hobbies so you can meet people without any pressure.

I love your description of the blow up make up sex. It did make me chuckle.

I think I'd try to cultivate 'out of sight, out of mind' when it comes to his reaction. As long as you don't see it, who really cares what he does?

A lovely legal turn of phrase that that I’ve used many a time. Bit different being the recipient of it though

I worked for the Govt in a public facing role and part of the job was having to impart bad, sometimes terrible, news to some of our clients. When we found ourselves in our client's position in our own lives we referred to it as being "on the other side of the desk". It's a pretty uncomfortable place, that 'other side'.

Thank you. Sleepless night again sadly.

Spoke with my friend today and had a good chat. He seemed to think I was looking for a partner in a romantic/sexual sense. I put him right on that score. I admitted I know very little properly about bipolar disorder, really only what’s been on telly which is probably not the best place to learn! We left it quite happily that he’d wait a week or two, then see about a chat and walk. He seems a properly nice person.

Spoke to FIL again today. He said STBXH had actually been calling to see him on a weekly basis. He said he doesn’t really say a lot (??!!) but stays a couple of hours then leaves. FIL did say at the first meeting things were said he’d rather not tell me . Remember how desperate I was to know earlier??? I said I understood and that I dare say it was bad stuff about me as STBXH couldn’t admit the truth because he’d be forced to confront what he’d done. I realised that now I actually don’t want to know what was said. It’d only upset me and I couldn’t change any of it anyway so why bother. He did however say STBXH told him he was happy with her. That was another twist of the knife. He’s happy. He knows nothing of what that happiness is built on. Nothing.

It’s FIL’s birthday next week and apparently STBXH is going round with a card and no doubt expensive present, knowing I can’t compete. FIL Is going to say he doesn’t want him calling weekly anymore. Monthly at the most. I think he’s trying to find the strength to say don’t come back at all. He mentioned Wills again and said his and his wife’s still need redoing. I told him again that he can leave his money to whomever he wishes. The plan does appear to cut STBXH out though. Whether that means the DC end up with a bigger share it he gives it between SIL and BIL is none of my concern. Purely selfishly though, I feel cutting STBXH out would be the final way of telling him how little he was thought of.

FIL then got upset saying all his three DC were brought up the same and he doesn’t know where he went wrong with STBXH. As usual, I ended up comforting him! I said it was absolutely nothing to do with his upbringing it’s something within him that leads him to lie and lie and think only of himself and his wants/needs. Hopefully I cheered him up enough. Honestly, every time this happens I just want to shove STBXH’s face into his fathers and scream look at what you’re doing to people you bastard.

I’m doing a roast dinner tomorrow with a little bit of gardening, weather permitting. Being here when DD4 and DS get home from school still hasn’t got old for me.

Hopefully tomorrow (tonight) I’ll report back a bit earlier and be sound asleep by now.

x

I hope you got some sleep @MoreLegsThanMe… I wonder about your ex too. Was he the youngest? Mummy’s favourite boy? Who knows? I wonder what BIL honestly thinks… My brother is similar - as was my mother. They just CAN’T tell the truth. It’s too boring.
I’m eating freshly roasted beet salad for lunch. (My kids think they’re 🤢🤮🤢) I hope you enjoy your roast!