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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

999 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 25/05/2021 22:41

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 24/06/2021 08:00

Honestly legs, they deserve each other. He may well be happy, he’s abdicated any responsibility for his family, he’s visiting his df regularly because he’s the only one that will give him the time of day through obligation more than anything. Neither of them have any obligations any more and there is a freedom in that that as much as you may miss your kids, I can understand how that could make you happy, I love my kids though.

If you think where you are now, the realisation of what he is like, and how few good qualities he has brought to you for some time now, he’s actually given you a gift, you are free to enjoy your own interests rather than focusing on the next stage of his illness. Part of the devastation you have been feeling isn’t necessarily about losing him, but all your plans about what you would do after his operation were completely taken away. Your sense of purpose was gone. Now you are slowly starting to create new purposes, you have your garden which is going to be incredible, we did a lot of work on ours last year and I have had such joy this year with things starting to mature and grow. You will be walking, if not with this friend with others (maybe look into the ramblers, that will give you a good excuse to get out and about with people to talk to about random stuff who don’t know what’s been going on) I am jealous of your area there are so many incredible walks. Most importantly however, 5 years down the line you will be happy with your loving family around you, whereas he may have contact with the dc by then, but it will never be the same or as close, he doesn’t understand that you have to invest in relationships like that, he may still be with her but I think the age disparity will be becoming more evident by then too, is a woman who doesn’t have PR for her own kids have what it takes to stay with a man into his 70s with a dodgy heart. Maybe that’s her motivation, she wants someone to look after because she messed it up with her kids?

bigbaggyeyes · 24/06/2021 09:50

He's never going to tell anyone he's unhappy! Even if he were extremely unhappy, he'd never give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that as it doesn't fit with his narrative of start crossed lovers etc

CatChant · 24/06/2021 13:20

Humph! STBXH is so predictable. Naturally, he's re-writing history faster than a Stalinist revisionist. He's trying to justify all his appalling behaviour by blaming you. As so many other cheating husbands have done and continue to do. And, being him, he may well even end up believing his own lies. I really wish I could tell him a few home truths.

Well, we don't believe him, FIL, despite his understandable affection for his own child, doesn't believe him and I hope you don't MoreLegs. Not even when lying awake in the wee, small hours when the doubts creep in. You did absolutely nothing to deserve this and he is merely following a wholly predictable script when he tries to shuffle the blame to you.

As for happy...I suppose they may be. They have no responsibilities and no consciences. The pain they've caused their families doesn't seem to trouble them at all. On the other hand, after all this upheaval they've got to go about telling all and sundry they're happy to justify themselves. Squalid pair. Let's see if that happiness lasts as old age and ill health start to take their toll and they find they've alienated everyone who cared about them.

What an, ahem, eye-opener about your friend! I'm sorry the garden visit didn't work out but now that you've tactfully corrected his over-optimistic misapprehensions maybe you can just happily potter about a few gardens and chat together as friends. Which was all you wanted really.

Hope you managed to get some rest and got the decent weather you wanted for the garden. Take care, lovely.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/06/2021 13:46

@bigbaggyeyes

He's never going to tell anyone he's unhappy! Even if he were extremely unhappy, he'd never give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that as it doesn't fit with his narrative of start crossed lovers etc
So true!! At least until he figures out the scenario in which he is blameless for the failure of that relationship, too.
Justilou1 · 24/06/2021 15:11

I’m going to go against the grain here @MoreLegsThanMe… Guilt makes people talk crap sometimes in an effort to make themself feel better. If STBEX is seeing FIL that often, and for that long, I find it very difficult to believe that OW hasn’t foisted herself upon him. I would definitely assume that you shouldn’t confide in FIL. Be pleasant and superficial.

Onthedunes · 24/06/2021 18:38

Why is he in touch with his father but not his own children, inheritance perhaps.
Even more of a diamond !

I have to agree with @Justilou1 I would be wary of total trust with FIL, family switch allegiance pretty quickly, yes he may be angry with his son but you are right to think there may be some poison being leaked to the FIL.
Just tread carefully in what you tell him, this shows my cynicism.

I'm pleased you spoke to your friend and sorted the ground rules out between you, may the friendship begin and from there allow other friends into your life. Your confidence will grow.

You are free to do as you please now Legs and I think you are going to like your future friendships, it is totally different when you get rid of the self entitled arsehole in the background. You can be yourself.

Hope you've had a good day, take care
xx

Grrrpredictivetex · 26/06/2021 13:25

@Legs. Hope you're doing okay. Thanks

Quinque · 26/06/2021 17:33

Dear @MoreLegsThanMe, I do hope that you are alright and feeling ok.
(I tried to send you flowers too, but I couldn't make it work, so please imagine a very lovely bouquet.)

Billybagpuss · 26/06/2021 17:42

💐 have some flowers from me and 💐 some more from @Quinque

Thatnameistaken · 26/06/2021 17:57

Hope you're doing ok legs Flowers

S111n20 · 27/06/2021 03:41

Hope your ok legs 😘

Billybagpuss · 27/06/2021 07:08

Morning legs, I hope you’re ok, I’m guessing he has received the petition and things have kicked off a bit. If you’re still reading sending you loads of positive vibes, hope you’re sleeping ok and finding lots of calm in your garden.

I’ve also stumbled across a thread that was remarkably similar to yours and did make me wonder if it were the OW. There were a lot of inconsistencies too, the biggest was not living together and him seeing his children, and the age gap was only 10 years. The overriding advice on there was also LTB. I don’t think you’ve anything to worry about though the inconsistencies were quite big.

Mumek · 27/06/2021 09:17

Flowers Flowers Flowers Thinking of you Legs

completelybanjaxed · 27/06/2021 11:05

Hope you are ok Legs Thanks

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 27/06/2021 22:26

Thank you x

I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Blame the 3 mast round here. 3 really are crap. I’m thinking of switching once my contract ends.

I’ve spoken again with my friend and we’ve agreed a walk on Thursday. Just a walk though. He said he was overwhelmed when we first spoke about it. Naturally I thought that was my fault but he said no, it was his general anxiety. He has meds for his condition and practices mindfulness and meditation, so it does seem that he looks after himself as best he can. He has two adult sons also.

I’m not going into this thinking of anything but a walk and a chat. There’s a pub nearby so we might pop in for a quick drink afterwards. We’re both driving so it’ll just be the Coke!

Again today is the Sunday anniversary and it barely hurt at all. @Billybagpuss could you link me to that other thread? Like you say it’s vanishingly unlikely to be OW but it’ll take my mind off my problems for a while. It sounds bitchy but from what I know of her she’s more of a Nethun. Sorry if that’s horrible.

I’m realising more and more that I’m doing this. In January I couldn’t see past my next breath sometimes, but now I am doing it. No doubt getting the Petition will bring me down again, but my lovely army will pull me up again won’t you.

x

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 27/06/2021 22:31

Someone's always watching out for you love. 🤗

CatChant · 27/06/2021 23:21

A walk, a chat and a Coke sound a very nice idea. Fingers crossed you have good weather for it.

We're here when you need us. And you are most definitely doing this. And very well too. You'll get through this, lovely.

Sleep tight MoreLegs.

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 00:36

Oh that is a good update Legs, I'm sure once you go out for a chat and walk it will become easier for both of you to be friends.
Just see how the day goes, no pressure.

I must admit I too read a post just as @Billybagpuss said that sounded remarkably like the ow, can't remember what the thread was called though.

You are doing this Legs arn't you, it will become easier, blips will occur but you are definitely getting stronger.

Army still here and present.
xx

Billybagpuss · 28/06/2021 06:21

I can’t seem to find the thread again, i think it was in AIBU and was something along the lines of Am I or is he. I’ve looked back to 25th. Sorry.

I just had to lookup Nethun, to me they are a scuba dive watch.😂

You are doing well, Thursday will be good.

Justilou1 · 29/06/2021 00:35

What’s a Nethun???

ElGuardiandenoche · 29/06/2021 01:36

@Justilou1

What’s a Nethun???
Someone who uses and posts on Netmums.
Justilou1 · 29/06/2021 01:39

Oh…. There’s a darkweb version of MN, is there?

Billybagpuss · 29/06/2021 06:31

@Justilou1

What’s a Nethun???
Haha, I googled and came up with Ancient Greek sea monster. I thing net mum is more likely
Justilou1 · 29/06/2021 09:55

I got it… it’s Net Hun, not Neth-un

CatChant · 30/06/2021 09:19

I am chuckling at the idea of Netmums being a darkweb version of MN. It's extraordinary that two UK websites primarily set up for parents can be so dissimilar. NM is good for information on local things, as I recall, baby activity classes, library rhyme times and so on, but debates and discussions are considerably less robust than they are on MN.

Hope all's well with you MoreLegs.