More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

Thank you, thank you x

For some reason the Petition won’t accept the upload of my marriage certificate - normally I’d run to the DC for help but I just can’t, not with this. I’ll try again in the morning.Then everything’s done, I hit send, and it’s happening. Thirty-seven years. Over just like that.

Distraught is a big word, especially compared to the times I really have been, but I just feel completely destroyed. As you say @Memom, I feel like I couldn’t even do my marriage properly. I’m glad my parents aren’t here any more to see their abject failure daughter.

Once it’s gone in tomorrow I’m telling the DC and FIL etc. It absolutely feels now like my life is over. I don’t mean to sound so melodramatic because I’m not meaning to be. It’s more just a fact.

All I want now is for him to put his arms round me and tell me it’ll be alright. I hate being this weak and sappy.

DD3 found a riding stables close by so she’s going to ask about prices and stuff. I can ride, she’s had a few lessons, and DD4 wants to come to so maybe a discount beckons. A hack out would be fantastic. DD3 also took DS out on Saturday to see some hideous horror film - Quiet Place 2 or something. Have you heard of it? I want to try and do something for all the four of us so DD4 and DS have some nice memories to look back on when they leave for university. I don’t think we’d get DS on a horse and I’m certainly not taking him to horror films. I’d get thrown out. Was thinking of a nice walk somewhere and a picnic? Sounds boring but we’d at least all be together. Can you think of anything?? This is where a dog would so come in handy.

My friend I told you about earlier wants to meet and visit a lovely, lovely garden. He’s such a nice man and he was at pains to point out it’s as friends so no need to measure the DDs up for bridesmaid dresses! I’m so tempted to say yes I really am but the only thing putting me off is that it almost makes me feel as though I’m being unfaithful. I need such an arse kicking don’t I. Do you think it would be okay to go?

So this time tomorrow it’ll be done……,

No going back.

x

Oh Legs, so much in your post but first of all please yes, try to accept your male friend's invitation to that lovely garden, it sounds lovely, and I know what you mean about being unfaithful, it's rediculous isn't it but it's another hurdle to overcome.
I think once you make that jump into having friends it will become easier. He's just a mate, it's just one day, you will get home and recover.

The picnic sounds a great idea, there are so many barbecues in local parks at the moment, I,ve met so many lovely people over lockdown whilst dog walking especially since lockdown eased.
A dog for the future may be still a good idea.

I'm sorry the process didn't run smoothly, hopefully tommorow it will. No big deal it will wait and then everything is ready for you to hit send.

Emotions will be all over the place, your parents, your past and your feelings of clinging on, hoping for a hug. All natural and so many of us have been through the same feelings whatever our situations.

Rest and then rest some more, be so kind to yourself, this week is a hard one but you will get through it, we are still watching over you and in no way think you are weak and sappy.
You are going to be ok Legs, I know it, one step at a time.

Rest easy.
xx

Do it, go for a drink, and bloody enjoy it.
You deserve it x

Of course it’s going to be ok to go, especially as you will have pressed the go button on the computer by then so absolutely no unfaithfulness going on. It will be so nice for you to go out and socialise with someone who is not family. It makes no difference who it is, you are not the type to rush headlong into anything, but there’s certainly no harm in enjoying a day together. There’s a few gardens nearer you I would love to visit so have a great day.

I don’t believe In the tarot cards or stuff, but in the deck the death card actually symbolises new life, it’s the end of this period of your life but that doesn’t mean there aren’t exciting things ahead for you. Any period of destruction is always followed by new life and that life is stronger and healthier than it was before. When you see the ashes of a forest fire, it’s devastating but it really doesn’t take long for the new green shoots to push through and the fire has cleansed the area of any disease.

Your parents would not judge you in any way at all over this. As a mum what will your reaction be if this was happening to one of your DD’s complete disappointment that someone you liked and trusted could treat your dd like this. You certainly wouldn’t label her a failure, especially after 32 years of making it work through very difficult times.

I think the picnic idea is brilliant, also what about something like bowling? We do this from time to time, it’s not my natural environment but it’s good fun for a couple of hours. There is nothIng on at the cinema that takes my fancy, I don’t think they make films for me anymore.

Good luck this morning. 💐

Absolutely go for a walk with your friend @Legs, you need to start filling your life with people who care about you. I bet after first meet-up it will feel absolutely natural, we all need friends to chat to and go out with. Do it and good luck today.

Oh Darling, you have got to stop judging yourself like this. You are projecting imagined failures onto your parents and I can promise you that there is NO WAY they would view you like this. I promise you that if this story played out with one of your kids, you’d be their fiercest champion. I can imagine your parents would be the same. (Especially if you were open enough to tell them the facts about everything - the cheating, the lying, the impotence and the continual blame-shifting.) Nobody would ever see you as a failure. This is you projecting your fears onto others. YOU didn’t fail at all — He did.

Legs, it wasn't you that destroyed your marriage. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and I would hope your parents would agree with me.

I hope you manage to upload the certificate today and can get it submitted. I'm not much good with technology but will willingly try to help if I can in any way.

A picnic sounds a wonderful idea. Some of my happiest childhood memories are of my parents spending time with me rather than places we went to or activities we did.

As for visiting the garden with your friend, why wouldn't you. He has said it's only as friends and you may get some ideas for your garden.

You can do this!

It might be the file type or size or something like that. If you need help maybe ask on here, there will be some tekky Mumsnetters who might be able to help.

Everyone who has commented is right. You didn't fail. Your parents wouldn't see it that way either, they'd only want you to be happy and I bet they'd be so proud of you right now.

Go out an enjoy a day with your friend if you want to. You are not doing anything wrong at all!

A picnic also sounds gorgeous! What would you take food and drink wise? I've always imagined English picnics to be scotch eggs, pork pies, Mayo egg sarnies and pimms (or is it elderflower wine??).

It all must be so emotionally draining, you must feel so tired.

Big hug Legs.

Btw… You can only benefit from a fantastic afternoon with a friend and good food and a glass of wine is never a bad thing either. A laugh and some sunshine might be just what you need in your life right now. It will feel like opening the curtains to to your smile.

It will feel like opening the curtains to to your smile

I love that

Legs as a couple of PPs have said difficulty uploading could be down to file size or type, if you haven't succeeded try uploading as Jpg.

Lovely day to relax out in the garden and admire the work you have done.

Yes legs - one life is over and that must be sad - very sad for a while.
It is also true that another life begins and that it is full of possibilities that are not clear to you yet.

On feeling shame - I hope that doesn't last. It isn't justified of course.
It takes two to tango... but marriage is not a dance. You were no more responsible for your H taking up with additional women than you would be if he took to additonal drink. These things are only in his control and he is entirely responsible.

This was put on another thread and may make some sense with your range of emotions.

It's described on Wikipedia as the "Robert Plutchik Wheel of Emotions" and I thought I'd share it here, as it's rather marvellous to contemplate.

Credit to "Machine Elf 1735" for the design. Thanks Alcemeg for posting it.

The failure is not yours, Legs. When your husband trashes your marriage, you can have no control over that.
If you co-ran a company and your business partner did something to ruin the business, would that be your fault?
One person can single-handedly make any partnership fail, Legs, including a marriage. One person can behave in a way which makes the successful marriage partner want to end the marriage. That is no failure on their part.
The vows are cruelly broken by one spouse, the other no longer has to honour theirs.
His fault, his choices, his failure.
Who failed to keep his vows?
Who failed to try to improve things when they perceived a problem? Who has failed at being a spouse and even a parent?
You have been a loyal, faithful wife over many years, been patient, supportive and caring when he had problems which actively affected your full enjoyment of the relationship, and parented your children to a standard he can’t even comprehend.
You are no failure, Legs. Your strength of character shines through, despite being on the receiving end of his appalling behaviour.
Shine on, Legs. You’ve suffered enough, don’t increase your suffering at your own hands by listening to the chatter spiralling in your brain. Apply CBT, challenge the negative assumptions about yourself and write down an alternative explanation.

EG:

“I couldn’t even do marriage properly”. Evidence?

Were you loving, faithful, supportive? Did you care for him in sickness and in health? For better or worse? Yes.
Did he reciprocate? No.

Alternative thought:

“I did marriage really well. He didn’t. I succeeded at marriage. He failed.”

Shine on, Legs, shine on. XX

Dear, dear MoreLegs, as everyone else has said, by no stretch of the imagination could you be described as an "abject failure" and if this was happening to one of your DDs you would not dream of apportioning any blame to her.

You failed in nothing. He failed miserably. You were, and are, wonderful and you have your five happy DC to prove it. Please don't blame yourself for his betrayals.

And yes, definitely you should accept the invitation to visit a garden with your friend. Some sunshine, beautiful plants and landscaping, a cream tea and pleasant, no-strings-attached company sound a lovely idea and you've had far too few treats lately.

Picnics with the DS sound a great idea too. I can thoroughly recommend New Zealand egg and bacon pie as picnic fare and it's really easy to make too.

Look after yourself. Never forget we think you're admirable and the nest of vipers is not known for empty compliments or mincing its words.

@Thewookiemustgo

Such a good post Wookie.

Yes, shine on.

@Onthedunes thank you. X

Thank you all so much.

I’ve done it. It’s issued. I don’t know how to think right now. It’s like all the good parts are crowded into my head spinning about.

They’ll be lying there now with absolutely no idea what’ll come through the door soon.

I feel scared he’ll hate me which is ridiculous as he clearly has for a long time.

I think tonight will be bad.

Sorry.

x

Definitely go out with your friend! Time to start building a life for yourself x

Cross posted, it will be ok, you've been through the hardest part, as bad as you may feel over the next few days look back at your first thread and see how far you've come

Oh my goodness Legs, how do you feel, I think I,ve just got butterflies reading that.

Try to be calm tonight, you have done what's right for you, no need to feel scared it was an obvious ending that he pushed you to.

You're thinking of their reaction arn't you?
I should imagine it will go like this.... she will be watching his reaction to see if he is upset.

You are in control Legs and you never need to think how he thinks of you again. You are free from his judgement.

I hope you get some sleep, I have a feeling this will make you sleep better.

xx

Breathe through it, Legs. It feels like it flies in the face of everything you ever thought you would be doing, but it is the right thing to do. Your marriage is a book with good chapters and bad ones. The good ones spin in your head because it’s hard to believe that you’re in the position you have been put in. The good ones make it hard to believe that it could have come to this, as you did nothing to deserve it. You carry no blame or shame.
But:
The bad ones were his doing. Finally the bad has outweighed the good. It’s time to close the book and put it away now, so that you can make fresh start and work on yourself and shaping a life that brings you peace, security, and some time in the future, joy.
You will be happy and laugh again, Legs. Your future self is thanking you for the sad but right and brave thing you did today. It’s hard to see now, but this is a forward step into a new and positive future for you, giving you a chance to leave the bad stuff in the past where it belongs. Take care of yourself. X

So he hates you? That means he feels something. At the moment he’s able to turn his feelings totally off. Bet he starts contacting the kids again. You might need to let them know first.

Well done legs, I think you will feel a bit exhausted today, but the weather is going to be good, Why don’t you should pop to the garden centre and start planning how to plant up your new border.

Hope the dc are ok when you tell them the news, do you think fil will prewarn xh you’ve done it?

Just remember his opinion is irrelevant in all this, he certainly did not give you a second thought at Christmas when he did what he did. He’s also set himself on a path he might not be wanting to fully commit to, and still being married to you meant he didn’t have to consider it.

Take a couple of days to chill and process, then get your walk arranged.

Well done legs. Onwards and upwards.